Parent caused a scene in public. AIBU to be so angry

[Celia24]

About 4 years ago I went on holiday with family and my dad caused a huge fall out. There had never been arguments before & it took years to get over. Since then they've been trying to convince me to go on a trip with them again and I've balked due to previous behaviour. But last 2 years have been great.

My mum just had a big birthday so we planned a celebration for her, I bought expensive theatre tickets and my dad covered the cost of really nice accommodation. All this trip she's been very short with both of us (more than usual) but generally ok the rest of the time.

We've been away for nearly a week and tonight is our last night. Went for a nice meal when my mum got angry at something my dad had said. An over reaction imo.

Within ten mins she had attacked both of us, finally throwing her napkin on the table and about to storm out. We begged her not to and she stayed but cried, drawing attention from waiters and others. I quickly got the bill and left my meal. Felt so embarrassed.

I've had a stressful time at work and this was meant to be my respite. I can't believe she would do this, I think it shows a selfishness and disrespect for me, and I'm considering going grey rock with her as soon as this is over. AIBU?

Pagwatch really well said and glad you got to the bottom of it as being slagged off the whole time not nice at all and just shocking that someone takes delight in putting someone so close to them down. Glad you got it sorted and think very good input you have given.

But all of those things are not mutually exclusive. I imagine that, like many of us on MN, one single thread is not enough to unravel a lifetime of complex family dynamics. OP's mum is literally Schroedinger's mother!?

I'm picking up a misogynistic vibe.
Well, it wouldn't be Mumsnet if this didn't rear its head at some point.

It's impossible to tell, as OP is saying so little about it all, other than how much it's ruined 'her' break.

This sounds like it stems from your dad. This woman sounds like a person at their end of their tether possibly due to emotional abuse. It’s alright though because he spent a lot of money. She sounds like a woman completely alone.

I 100% agree with you Pagwatch, interestingly of all the information given by the OP, this comment below stuck out like a sore thumb:

The thing is that both parents assured me it would be a lovely trip. my mum said 'we'll all be nice to each other'

Saying "we'll all be nice to each other" sounds quite goady and puts everyone under inordinate pressure to make everything perfect, rather than just 'going with the flow'

its not unusual for people to have 1 argument on holiday. It doesn’t even sound like a particularly bad one. 1 small argument doesn’t ruin a whole holiday. Particularly since you’ve no need to get involved in the argument. It’s only ruining the whole holiday because you want it to. If they were arguing every day that’s different. Are they expected to never argue because that would be totally unrealistic.

is it possible that by insisting that no one argues your DM may have been holding back on her feelings all week until she exploded at your DDad? I think this no arguing thing is very weird. If the arguments are unhealthy then that’s what needs addressing but you can’t eliminate arguments, every couple argues.

Very little of this seems to be about mum. Da paid for it, didn’t she care how I feel, my downtime etc

Considering this was her big birthday treat, I’m not surprised she was upset.

Where’s her voice in all of this?

Some people find it harder to control their emotions. Some people aren't able to put up and shut up till they are in private.

She's struggling, it's her birthday holiday and she's crying. You only care about you..

What did your dad say that you mum got upset about? And what do you mean when you say that she attacked the two of you? What did she do?

Yes what did the dad say, we are all waiting to hear what he said. He could have been putting her down the whole time on the trip and winding her up and she feels brave enough to react to it when you are there. Ask your mum is she ok and if she needs to talk to someone to do so but do not bring her dad with her as he sounds like he will twist it all so she looks bad.. Had a friend and everyone thought she was the troublemaker in the relationship as he was all nice to everyone and she would lose her temper but the tables turned and people saw what he was doing. I feel sorry for your mum to be honest as you said about your dad's family dynamics growing up and as you said this could be what he is doing.

How old is your mum?

Perhaps she’s not happy with your dad. Perhaps she’s had 40 years of cooking and cleaning and she’s fed up.

Either way it didn’t ruin your holiday, you just had one bad night. It seems like you over-dramatise as much as you accuse your mother of it.

Families though.. , I'm still thinking about her her throwing her napkin on the table..., I think this is quite restrained - one of my family members tipped the whole table up during a meal. Could be worse.

I agree with others though, you could perhaps ask if there's an issue & ask how this sort of situation could be avoided in the future.

According to your recent thread your mum was very relaxed hippy and open and lived on a commune. So something in her marriage/relationship has gone wrong I assume.

If you're a millennial then surely you're old enough to realise that life is complicated?

Obviously your dad said something horrible. Just because you agree with it doesn't make it not offensive. You said your mum's reaction was something like 'I hope you're happy now' and 'you're both something something'. So it sounds like your dad has been digging at her all week and you've been siding with him. It's supposed to be her birthday.

Also which rural, dangerous to walk home alone village has an expensive theatre? I just can't picture being in the middle of nowhere and also seeing a play that costs loads of money, how do they draw in enough people? Or were the theatre tickets not that expensive and it is basically a free holiday piggybacking on your mum's birthday? Was it a play your mum wanted to see? Does your mum like the theatre? Or did she have to spend her birthday week doing things she didn't like with people digging her out.

You say that when you are with just your mum this doesn't happen, I think yabu to grey rock your mum. Just see your parents separately.

All very valid points

If she is always/usually verbally aggressive and short tempered then YANBU to go grey rock.

Your parents are completely dysfunctional and should get divorced. You need to stop going on holiday with them and not set yourself up for a fall when you know what they will be like. Just do things with them individually. And yes you should go and see a counsellor because they will help you to see things from your parents perspective instead of feeling sorry for yourself. Lots of adults would not expect a relaxing holiday with their parents so I don't know why you thought you would have that with yours. Or maybe you are feeling sad more about when they did it when you were kids.

Sounds like you have no idea what's actually going on for your mum and have no desire to find out. Maybe she could do with some support.

And this is why I would never post something like this here. Constructive criticism is v were much part and parcel of putting the situation to others on a forum like this but to take a situation like this and make some arbitrary comment about all parties is just nasty. This isn’t some magazine story you’re reading on a work break to while away time, someone has asked AIBU? They haven’t asked to be completely written off. I can’t judge either parent, no idea who was right or wrong based on this but I’m sorry it didn’t work out. As others have said, it doesn’t sound a recipe for a happy holiday. Going NC is not a decision to be made while angry, I think you probably came for a vent and I hope something helped.

Grey Rock?? Does this mean you throw grey stones at her?? Seems a little extreme!

she sounds like my mum just tell her to do one

This post is some leap.

She wanted to see the show - that's why I bought the tickets. It is both rural and expensive - whether you can picture it is irrelevant because it exists.

I already said I don't side with my father. Ive said it several times.

All the way through in your posts I’m picking up hints of this being your dad.digging digging digging at her.or a relationship break down at the least.and she finally had enough.he’s known exactly what to say to look calm,reasonable but your mum “knows” what he was saying.your dad very good at showing his arguments but silently,cal my,silently pushing her.and that’s why it hurts her more when you seem to stick up for him.yet you are doing so because you can’t see his cleverly underwhispered digs.

What age is your mum? Is she menopause age? I ask because I'm pregnant and where I'm normally very chilled out, I'm a moody, hormonal wreck atm, happy one minute, ready to cry the next. Hormones can really f**k us up.
How's her mental health? Overall health? Stress levels? It's not normal behaviour to do this so I'd want to know what's going on.
I do think making her birthday trip about you is in pretty poor taste, but I won't say much more as I know you've heard that already.