18yo got his GF pregnant.

[SnickersTwix]

I’ve changed names for obvious reasons. Background for context:,

My DB is considerably younger than me. Despite this we are close and he looks to me for advice and emotional support.

My DB is 18 and about to get his A level results. Real high flier offer to Oxbridge if he gets the grades on Thursday. He and his girlfriend (been together 6 months) found out she is pregnant. Not planned at all- she was on the pill. She is also 18 and was due to attend university in a different city. I think she is 2 months pregnant and has ruled out an abortion.

Prior to this news DB had confided in me that he was considering ending the relationship. He didn’t see how there relationship would survive long distance (100 miles between their expected universities).

Since finding out about the pregnancy my brother has said he will give up his university place and get a job to provide for girlfriend and baby and work towards a deposit for a flat. Part of me thinks that’s lovely and the other part of me knows he’s very naive and has no idea what the reality of his plans would mean. I’m also aware he was considering finishing with her before all this.His salary without a degree will also be low.

Our mother has told him he has to go to university. It was his GFs choice to keep the baby and he can’t throw away his future. Meeting between GF’s mum and our mum went terribly. Her mum expected my mum and her mum to bring up the baby to allow her DD and my DB to go to uni etc. My mum having none of it.

He feels trapped between his own naive ideas and that of our mothers.

So AIBU to encourage him to not go to university or should he listen to our mother?

Our home town university isn’t great and no where near as good as his Cambridge offer. GF wants to be at home near her Mother so moving her to Cambridge with him is not an option. School think Cambridge won’t defer the offer and tbh can’t really see how that would help.

Yea thank you , you’ve just proved my original point by saying she’s to blame for not having an abortion. Disgusting attitude.

@achillestoes

once he explains about how she lied and trapped here they will all be very sympathetic

But the girl’s the one choosing to keep the child.

Also not clear what his gm has to do with anything

@Tandora

Her right to keep the pregnancy is her right yes. But she has no rights over her ex bf beyond child maintenance. She is choosing to be a single parent.

what do you think should happen then? He marry her? Not go to uni? Take the first job that comes along to put food on the table

Is it still 'suffering' if the mother has to redo her life plans?

Her plan seems to be having a baby! She’s also living in a fantasy world of playing happy families with him ‘getting a little flat together’. She’s certainly not OMG, I’m pregnant what am I going to do? She’s already choosing names and booking private scans that aren’t medically necessary.

@Tandora Nope.

She is exercising her right to choose - and so is he. He can’t have an abortion, or make her have one, but he can say “fuck this” and walk away.

Is it shit? Yes. Is it reality? Also yes.

This is a scenario where the woman does not get to unilaterally make a decision that fucks up someone else’s life - she can continue the pregnancy by all means, but she cannot and should not expect someone else to submit all autonomy over their own life to her, just because of her choice.

@lovelyboneslove

yep what?

You haven’t even read the thread, have you? There’s been no mention of his grandmother. And you reckon this girl is some hard done by innocent when she lied about taking the pill, hid her pregnancy from her own mother and accused him of rape when he finished the relationship. At least read OP’s posts before you pontificate.

lovelyboneslove · Today 23:10
HarrietPierce · Today 23:09
lovelyboneslove ·
'He can discuss his career options with a career advisor.'

His career is going to be medicine. It is a vocation.

'Yes you are right.'

Glad you agree. His future career is medicine.

This poor young girl? That’s the same age as him, yet he has agency and she’s a victim
that’s somehow not responsible for the situation she’s in? He’s responsible for not using a condom, he will be held responsible in supporting the child financially if/ when it’s born. She is responsible for the choices she has made, and will make going forward.

This is a ‘poor young girl’ that lied to him about contraception, that threatened to accuse him of rape to try and force him to give in. That’s not disgusting, then? He’s a villain because he’s a man, and it’s misogyny for thinking a woman should be responsible for her own shitty behaviour that’s landed her in the situation she’s now facing?

The interesting thing is that I haven't read one post on this thread saying "He should walk away and pretend the ex GF and the baby she's carrying don't exist, just go to Cambridge [or University College of Royston Vasey, it shouldn't matter] and forget her and the child"

Most of us are saying that if she goes ahead with the pregnancy, he needs to take responsibility and do everything he possibly can. Some of us just don't think cloud cuckoo land ideas about call centre jobs and the like to support all of them (while being some kind of penance) are sensible or necessary, when she has made her choice and will have numerous options herself. It would help no one, including the baby.

As I was interested, I plugged the numbers he’d have to pay if on a 40 hour week minimum wage and as a trainee electrician. The numbers are not high. Weekly £31 ish minimum wage, £39 ish on a trainee salary of just over £17k.

With top class A levels and a prestigious place at medical school, he can easily earn the maintenance amount and far more private tutoring to school students studying for GCSE and A level during the 22 weeks he isn’t at university. My dd incidentally is being tutored by a medical student.

So we agree- your attitude is that she is responsible for this child because she could have had an abortion?

Absolutely. I agree with you. Just so you get off my back and stop quoting me and putting me down. It's starting to get to me a bit so I think it's easier to agree with you. Xx

He’s responsible for providing maintenance. That’s it. If she didn’t want the child and he did, she would also only be responsible for providing maintenance in the event that she gave birth. You cannot force anyone, male or female, to parent a child they don’t want.

no one is holding anyone to a different standard based on their sex.

@lovelyboneslove

its because of the lack of ambition and aspiration in your posts

it’s depressing

Legally that is the case in the UK yes and it’s totally fucked up that people apologise for that.

@lovelyboneslove

and your view of jobs Careers work etc is sooooooo removed from reality

'So we agree- your attitude is that she is responsible for this child because she could have had an abortion?'

She could have taken the morning after pill like any sensible 18 year old planning on going to university would have done.

@@LuckySantangelo35 Thankyou.
#bekind

Again Thankyou.
I'm finding the way you are responding to me to be quite nasty and uncalled for.
I'm happy to have a healthy debate but you are taking it to a different level.
I explained in a previous post that it was getting to me however you seem to think it's okay to continue.

No one has to be responsible for a child they don’t want. Not in the UK, and not in any country where they can access abortion or state care. As it happens there may be a lot of unwanted pregnancies, but there are very few unwanted births. It stands to reason that that the person who wanted the birth is going to be the one taking responsibility, with or without a partner equally involved.

She has to choose between having an abortion, giving the baby for adoption, or raising the child. If she wants to have the baby then she is going to be the one with the majority of the responsibility, by virtue of being the one that wanted the baby. It’s not the situation she wants to be in, but it is the reality.

A question fo those, who think he should shelve his career. Would you say the same if he were in the military or worked on an offshore oil rig?

He will be at home as much time for the latter and probably more for the former. He may even be able to find a training placement in a hospital nearish to the ex.

Why is he responsible for maintenance then? Should men ever be made to pay maintenance ? after all women can just chose to get abortions - if they don’t that’s On them right ?

Should either of these young people let an unintended baby stop them from attaining a degree? No.

is it ok for a father to absolve himself of any physical responsibility to a child and pay a pittance in support just because he is in school? No.

Pulling off studying medicine and not being a complete loser who barely sees his child and barely supports his child is going to be a Herculean task. This is a defining moment of his life. He needs to be looking at every possible scenario of how to do both things well, even if it means making compromises.

since we only have one interpretation of this scenario, I’m trying not to read too much into the mother’s side right now. If she were my own dd, I would hope she would be making a very different choice in this scenario. If she insisted on proceeding to parenthood, I would be doing everything in my power to get her to university, short of taking over her parenting job for her.