18yo got his GF pregnant.

[SnickersTwix]

I’ve changed names for obvious reasons. Background for context:,

My DB is considerably younger than me. Despite this we are close and he looks to me for advice and emotional support.

My DB is 18 and about to get his A level results. Real high flier offer to Oxbridge if he gets the grades on Thursday. He and his girlfriend (been together 6 months) found out she is pregnant. Not planned at all- she was on the pill. She is also 18 and was due to attend university in a different city. I think she is 2 months pregnant and has ruled out an abortion.

Prior to this news DB had confided in me that he was considering ending the relationship. He didn’t see how there relationship would survive long distance (100 miles between their expected universities).

Since finding out about the pregnancy my brother has said he will give up his university place and get a job to provide for girlfriend and baby and work towards a deposit for a flat. Part of me thinks that’s lovely and the other part of me knows he’s very naive and has no idea what the reality of his plans would mean. I’m also aware he was considering finishing with her before all this.His salary without a degree will also be low.

Our mother has told him he has to go to university. It was his GFs choice to keep the baby and he can’t throw away his future. Meeting between GF’s mum and our mum went terribly. Her mum expected my mum and her mum to bring up the baby to allow her DD and my DB to go to uni etc. My mum having none of it.

He feels trapped between his own naive ideas and that of our mothers.

So AIBU to encourage him to not go to university or should he listen to our mother?

Our home town university isn’t great and no where near as good as his Cambridge offer. GF wants to be at home near her Mother so moving her to Cambridge with him is not an option. School think Cambridge won’t defer the offer and tbh can’t really see how that would help.

I'm beginning to wonder how many women have (cough) pulled the same stunt as this girl from some of the replies

You are talking out your hat (politer term chosen) because you have no idea what you’re talking about.

@LittleBearPad
E.g He could work for local government. Work in social housing. Start as a trainee housing officer on £20k work up to Housing a manager £35-40k.

Police officer

Call centre - work your way up

Start his own business

Lots of other careers. Not everyone goes or can afford to go to Uni.
He can discuss his career options with a career advisor.

"His responsibility to his child should come first. There are loads of careers he could choose without going to Uni."

But he wants to be a doctor. He's got a place at Cambridge. He doesn't want another career. We need more doctors. The girl can still go to uni if she wishes but she doesn't seem interested in doing so.

She isn’t the one proposing leaving the baby with him and going off to pursue her solo plans. That’s him.

Yeah right. She is "proposing" he stays in a relationship with her, threatening to say he raped her if not, and forbidding him to date anyone else. Does she have the moral high ground to you because she doesn't have a penis?

@LittleBearPad I think it's you who has the issue.
I've given you loads of examples.

He could also run off and live wild in the Appalachian mountains.

Lots of things he could do. Lots of things he won’t do though, like any of the above. Because he’s going to Uni. Doesn’t matter if other people don’t go because they don’t want to of because they can’t afford it. He does want to, he can, and he is.

Start his own business

Now I know you’re on the wind up 😂

Start his own business

I hear it's dead easy to do this with £500 capital.

'Call centre - work your way up'

Great alternative to medicine ...Not

@HarrietPierce we all want to do stuff in life. But plans and dreams change due to circumstances.
In this case he is going to be a Dad. He need to prioritise his role as father.

I thought the call centre suggestion was particularly inspired!

Bit you’re right because starting his own business will be a piece of piss!

So sorry that you look down on people that work hard in call centres.

If he wants to. He still has a choice to make for his future. The pregnant ex doesn't get to decide his future.

@LittleBearPad might be easier that studying medicine for 5 years and missing out on seeing your child.

@achillestoes
Because he made a baby, and that’s where the man’s decision-making part of this lies.

At no point in any of theses exchanges have you answered the question about how ethical & moral it is for someone to be tricked into being a parent?

Why not?

Your stance is that the pill is not sufficient he should have used a codon when this goes against all contraceptive advice.

What about the ethics of bringing an unwanted child into the world for the sake of keeping a teenage relationship going?

What about the ethics of knowingly not seeking emergency contraception?

It seems being pro choice you believe regardless of the circumstances life - regardless of how it is conceived & created must be protected at all costs.

God help you if someone you know or love is forced into carrying a child to full term of rape or abuse.

What are the ethics of that?

Yes, but not before demanding he give up uni, house and provide for her.

It’s not surprising he stepped back under the belief that being there would feed her fantasy of them being together, or that it would be an unpleasant and stressful experience for them both as she continued to pressure him into doing what she wants, and throwing tantrums when he didn’t budge.

Many many men want to attend those parts of a pregnancy regardless of relationship status. It can assist with bonding and feeling part of the child’s life early.

I have a feeling she’ll become a ‘pay per view’ parent at some point so it’ll become irrelevant. I just feel that in a way he’s going to miss out on the bits that he might actually enjoy as a Dad.

It depends how hard you want to do it. Look at Joe Wicks. He started with nothing.

No, @DashboardConfessional. Those actions are very wrong. But they don’t change the fact that he’s responsible for the baby that’s coming.

This whole “but he’s going to be a doctor” “but he’s so bright” “but morality is subjective” thing is a load of rubbish. He’s not going to stand up in his ethics seminars at Cambridge and say he abandoned his child and it’s fine because there’s no such thing as objective morality. He’s going to do everything he can to make sure it doesn’t get out, because in the real world people look down on men who leave other people to raise their children so they can achieve personal success.

I don’t say that without sympathy for him. It’s a high price to pay for a mistake. But that’s why it’s such a serious mistake.

On the plus side it will be a crash course in obstetrics.

In this case he is going to be a Dad. He need to prioritise his role as father.

He needs to prioritise his future career in a role that this country is desperate for.
He will be in a better position then to provide for the child then.

At no point in any of theses exchanges have you answered the question about how ethical & moral it is for someone to be tricked into being a parent?

Why not?

I didn’t think anyone asked.

Your stance is that the pill is not sufficient he should have used a codon when this goes against all contraceptive advice.

Who are you getting your advice from?

No he didn't. He started as a TA. With a Sports Science degree, from, surprise! University.

NO HE DOESN’T

He is allowed to go to university and become a doctor. He can do that and be part of his child’s life.

But he doesn’t have to sacrifice his life for that child. No one does. Not even you