Page 37 | 18yo got his GF pregnant.

SnickersTwix · 2022-08-15T20:08:54+00:00

I’ve changed names for obvious reasons. Background for context:, My DB is considerably younger than me. Despite this we are close and he looks to me for advice and emotional support. My DB is 18 and about to get his A level results. Real high flier offer to Oxbridge if he gets the grades on Thursday. He and his girlfriend (been together 6 months) found out she is pregnant. Not planned at all- she was on the pill. She is also 18 and was due to attend university in a different city. I think she is 2 months pregnant and has ruled out an abortion. Prior to this news DB had confided in me that he was considering ending the relationship. He didn’t see how there relationship would survive long distance (100 miles between their expected universities). Since finding out about the pregnancy my brother has said he will give up his university place and get a job to provide for girlfriend and baby and work towards a deposit for a flat. Part of me thinks that’s lovely and the other part of me knows he’s very naive and has no idea what the reality of his plans would mean. I’m also aware he was considering finishing with her before all this.His salary without a degree will also be low. Our mother has told him he has to go to university. It was his GFs choice to keep the baby and he can’t throw away his future. Meeting between GF’s mum and our mum went terribly. Her mum expected my mum and her mum to bring up the baby to allow her DD and my DB to go to uni etc. My mum having none of it. He feels trapped between his own naive ideas and that of our mothers. So AIBU to encourage him to not go to university or should he listen to our mother? Our home town university isn’t great and no where near as good as his Cambridge offer. GF wants to be at home near her Mother so moving her to Cambridge with him is not an option. School think Cambridge won’t defer the offer and tbh can’t really see how that would help.

LittleBearPad · 20/08/2022 22:51

But it is. You aren’t thinking long term.

ArcticSkewer · 20/08/2022 22:53

achillestoes · 20/08/2022 22:44

‘I look down more on the women who trap men into pregnancy tbh’

So you think he should tell people? Nobody will think worse of him? How he didn’t wear a condom, refused to attend scans, told her not to call anymore and said he’d ‘see’ his baby in the holidays?

Well, if that’s the advice you want to give him, I think it’s not quite the worst suggestion of the evening, but it’s close.

This is a little naive.

Who do you think will be looking down on him? His school friends? They will blame her. Her reputation will already be trash. His peers? Who have sacrificed so much to get a place at medicine at Cambridge? You think they will be thinking 'he could have had a great career in a call centre instead?'. His consultants? They will just think he's an idiot to get caught. His family? Mother has, admirably, made her position clear. Some randomers online? Yes, maybe so. But guess what? Noone cares

LittleBearPad · 20/08/2022 22:53

Tandora · 20/08/2022 22:49

There’s a lot of effort here going into the idea that ‘promising’ and ‘intelligent’ young men should have basically any level of excuses made for dumping their kids on society and looking after number one

100%. Meanwhile of course she should have an abortion. And if she doesn’t it’s her own fault.
The misogyny on this thread is something else.

No

Again for the hard of thinking.

That’s her choice.

It has consequences that she has accept.

She can’t force people to do what she wants.

whumpthereitis · 20/08/2022 22:54

Tandora · 20/08/2022 22:49

There’s a lot of effort here going into the idea that ‘promising’ and ‘intelligent’ young men should have basically any level of excuses made for dumping their kids on society and looking after number one

100%. Meanwhile of course she should have an abortion. And if she doesn’t it’s her own fault.
The misogyny on this thread is something else.

Nope, she should make the choice she wants to make. What she doesn’t get to do is choose for him, and threaten to cry rape because she’s not getting her way.

I don’t believe men or women should be compelled to raise children they don’t want. No one is siding with him explicitly because he is a man.

LicoricePizza · 20/08/2022 22:54

LicoricePizza · 20/08/2022 22:49

www.nhs.uk/conditions/contraception/combined-contraceptive-pill/

for one.

No GP, teacher, health visitor or other has ever advised that the pill must be used IN CONJUNCTION with a condom EVERY time you have sex.

Yes if you are sick, on certain meds etc etc.

Neither of which apply here.

Nobody asked

OMG!! The whole of this thread has been about people finding your reasoning on this completely unreasonable!!

That you haven’t picked up on that yet says a lot.

So I’m formally asking you - what are the ethics of forcing a person to become a parent & change their life considerably to do so, when the life being created is being done for deception & to keep a teenage relationship going - when it would likely run it’s natural course.

Pray tell - I’m all ears?

@achillestoes fya

Snoozer11 · 20/08/2022 22:55

@achillestoes He is not abandoning the unborn child. How many times do it have to be said?

Being a father does not mean having to do everything the child's mother wants him to do.

How would you feel if he stayed, met another girl and had a child with her? I imagine you'd not be happy.

You've done nothing but criticise him, simply because he dared to have sex! Is the problem that he isn't married?

You haven't said a word about the ex-girlfriend.

Was my father abandoning me when he went to work? No he wasn't.

It's very clear that you have some deep issues and your constant posting in this thread has triggered something. Perhaps you should seek help.

@lovelyboneslove I don't know what planet you're living on, but in 2022 you can't just walk into a career with a few A levels. I'm surprised you haven't suggested he print off his CV and hand it to the main desk in all the local businesses.

LittleBearPad · 20/08/2022 22:57

ArcticSkewer · 20/08/2022 22:53

This is a little naive.

Who do you think will be looking down on him? His school friends? They will blame her. Her reputation will already be trash. His peers? Who have sacrificed so much to get a place at medicine at Cambridge? You think they will be thinking 'he could have had a great career in a call centre instead?'. His consultants? They will just think he's an idiot to get caught. His family? Mother has, admirably, made her position clear. Some randomers online? Yes, maybe so. But guess what? Noone cares

Show quote history

The most he’ll be is a salutary tale to his mates not to trust girls who say they’re on the pill. Which won’t be the worst outcome!

lovelyboneslove · 20/08/2022 22:57

@Snoozer11 please don't be rude to me. There is no need for it. Not everyone goes to Uni. There are other ways to get a 'career'.

LittleBearPad · 20/08/2022 22:58

lovelyboneslove · 20/08/2022 22:57

@Snoozer11 please don't be rude to me. There is no need for it. Not everyone goes to Uni. There are other ways to get a 'career'.

They pretty much do these days or do an apprenticeship.

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/08/2022 22:59

Tandora · 20/08/2022 22:39

Oh my god I’m absolutely appalled by this thread and the advice. How awful and this poor girl 😡

@Tandora

what do you think the advice should be?

HarrietPierce · 20/08/2022 23:02

If she knew she had missed a pill then she could have taken the morning after pill. But she didn't. Because she wanted tohold on to this young man and had concocted a fantasy life in her head. It's sad , but he needs to become a doctor which will allow him to support the child .

Tandora · 20/08/2022 23:03

LittleBearPad · 20/08/2022 22:53

No

Again for the hard of thinking.

That’s her choice.

It has consequences that she has accept.

She can’t force people to do what she wants.

Show quote history

“She doesn’t get to choose for him”. Absolutely she doesn’t.
If she does not have an abortion, he will have biologically father a child. A person will be here regardless of his choices. A person he was responsible for co- creating. Of course how he chooses to act in light of that - is nobody’s choice - and nobody’s responsibility- but his own. And he must and will be held accountable for his choices. This poor young girl cannot choose for him; she is absolutely not to blame; and should NOT be required to shoulder any of his responsibility.

Tandora · 20/08/2022 23:04

*fathered

CecilyP · 20/08/2022 23:04

lovelyboneslove · 20/08/2022 22:28

@LittleBearPad
E.g He could work for local government. Work in social housing. Start as a trainee housing officer on £20k work up to Housing a manager £35-40k.

Police officer

Call centre - work your way up

Start his own business

Lots of other careers. Not everyone goes or can afford to go to Uni.
He can discuss his career options with a career advisor.

Are you really that naïve? Thousands of people work in local government or call centres, they can’t all work their way up. Promoted posts come up rarely and these days are more likely to go people with degrees. And as for starting your own business; do you know how many new businesses fail?

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/08/2022 23:05

lovelyboneslove · 20/08/2022 22:42

He started his business with nothing. Didn't say about qualifications. It was in reference to someone mentioning about cost.

@lovelyboneslove

well there you go - qualifications do matter don’t they

I really can’t believe you think it’s possible that this lad will think - hmmm I could go to uni Cambridge no less and become a dr or I could get a job in a call centre in order to see a kid he didn’t even want for a few contact hours on a Saturday. Wow that latter option sounds fab, it’s moral and me taking responsibility and I’m gonna do that! yeah, no

Tandora · 20/08/2022 23:05

Tandora · 20/08/2022 23:03

“She doesn’t get to choose for him”. Absolutely she doesn’t.
If she does not have an abortion, he will have biologically father a child. A person will be here regardless of his choices. A person he was responsible for co- creating. Of course how he chooses to act in light of that - is nobody’s choice - and nobody’s responsibility- but his own. And he must and will be held accountable for his choices. This poor young girl cannot choose for him; she is absolutely not to blame; and should NOT be required to shoulder any of his responsibility.

Show quote history

Sorry quoted the wrong person here, but what I’ve said applies to your comment as well.

lovelyboneslove · 20/08/2022 23:05

@LuckySantangelo35 yep

LittleBearPad · 20/08/2022 23:06

Tandora · 20/08/2022 23:03

“She doesn’t get to choose for him”. Absolutely she doesn’t.
If she does not have an abortion, he will have biologically father a child. A person will be here regardless of his choices. A person he was responsible for co- creating. Of course how he chooses to act in light of that - is nobody’s choice - and nobody’s responsibility- but his own. And he must and will be held accountable for his choices. This poor young girl cannot choose for him; she is absolutely not to blame; and should NOT be required to shoulder any of his responsibility.

Show quote history

He is being held accountable for his choices.

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/08/2022 23:07

Tandora · 20/08/2022 23:03

“She doesn’t get to choose for him”. Absolutely she doesn’t.
If she does not have an abortion, he will have biologically father a child. A person will be here regardless of his choices. A person he was responsible for co- creating. Of course how he chooses to act in light of that - is nobody’s choice - and nobody’s responsibility- but his own. And he must and will be held accountable for his choices. This poor young girl cannot choose for him; she is absolutely not to blame; and should NOT be required to shoulder any of his responsibility.

Show quote history

@Tandora

well she could have took her pill or a morning after pill or had any abortion if she didn’t want to be a single mother so yeah she is actually to blame
shes made her choices
she can’t make her ex bfs choices for him as much as she may want to

lovelyboneslove · 20/08/2022 23:08

@CecilyP yes sorry. You are right.

LuckySantangelo35 · 20/08/2022 23:08

lovelyboneslove · 20/08/2022 23:05

@LuckySantangelo35 yep

?

LittleBearPad · 20/08/2022 23:08

This poor young girl cannot choose for him; she is absolutely not to blame

For knowingly having sex without effective contraception in place and getting pregnant?

I think she’s got a fair amount of responsibility for her predicament

HarrietPierce · 20/08/2022 23:09

lovelyboneslove ·
'He can discuss his career options with a career advisor.'

His career is going to be medicine. It is a vocation.

Tandora · 20/08/2022 23:10

LittleBearPad · 20/08/2022 23:06

He is being held accountable for his choices.

Show quote history

hes certainly not being held responsible. he’s getting away with much less than 50% of the load. Enabled by his mother, his grandmother and the broader machinations of the patriarchy/ deep seated misogyny embedded in our society.

lovelyboneslove · 20/08/2022 23:10

HarrietPierce · 20/08/2022 23:09

lovelyboneslove ·
'He can discuss his career options with a career advisor.'

His career is going to be medicine. It is a vocation.

Yes you are right.