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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can you even call it cheating?

283 replies

SlickShady · 15/08/2022 14:58

Inspired by another trending thread which I didn't want to derail, but actually it's not just that particular thread. How many times do people (usually women) complain their partner was cheating because they had sex outside of the marriage, yet they readily admit there was hardly or no sex within the marriage?

Can you really call that cheating?

I posit that cheating is only when you fulfil your side of the bargain but the other party doesn't. When one partner is always knackered or not in the mood, it's narcissistic to expect the other party just to do without. You can't even call it cheating if they find sex elsewhere.

Sure the favourite response is 'they have the option of leaving before cheating', but why is the onus of leaving on the partner who's deprived rather than the one depriving. Surely if one partner decides to hardly or never have sex anymore, it should be on them to leave.

OP posts:
Popcorncovered · 15/08/2022 14:59

Yes it's cheating. Are you a man?

Whattodoaboutworknow · 15/08/2022 15:00

Narcissistic 😂😂 really.

PollyRockets · 15/08/2022 15:00

Of course it's still cheating

Also where are these women who state they have no sex on those types of thread

Original poster
SlickShady · 15/08/2022 15:00

Popcorncovered · 15/08/2022 14:59

Yes it's cheating. Are you a man?

Address the post not the poster.

OP posts:
luxxlisbon · 15/08/2022 15:01

Can you really call that cheating?

Yeah… you can.

PollyRockets · 15/08/2022 15:02

@SlickShady

So that's a yes then...

RatherBeRiding · 15/08/2022 15:02

You're a man, yes? Who has cheated?

Yeezytiger · 15/08/2022 15:03

There are other ways to orgasm without cheating

gwenneh · 15/08/2022 15:03

Yes, it's cheating.

Sure the favourite response is 'they have the option of leaving before cheating', but why is the onus of leaving on the partner who's deprived rather than the one depriving. Surely if one partner decides to hardly or never have sex anymore, it should be on them to leave.
The onus to leave is on the partner who wants something different to what they have in the relationship.

Popcorncovered · 15/08/2022 15:03

SlickShady · 15/08/2022 15:00

Address the post not the poster.

Show quote history

Oh really?

Chickychoccyegg · 15/08/2022 15:04

Are you being serious 😂😂😂😂....wtf

Chickychoccyegg · 15/08/2022 15:05

Can we assume then op, that you are cheating, but don't think it's cheating because you don't get enough sex at home, and you don't see why you should leave

Original poster
SlickShady · 15/08/2022 15:06

gwenneh · 15/08/2022 15:03

Yes, it's cheating.

Sure the favourite response is 'they have the option of leaving before cheating', but why is the onus of leaving on the partner who's deprived rather than the one depriving. Surely if one partner decides to hardly or never have sex anymore, it should be on them to leave.
The onus to leave is on the partner who wants something different to what they have in the relationship.

You don't classify stopping intimate relations, the thing that differentiates marriage from friendship, as 'wanting something different'?

OP posts:
Original poster
SlickShady · 15/08/2022 15:07

Chickychoccyegg · 15/08/2022 15:05

Can we assume then op, that you are cheating, but don't think it's cheating because you don't get enough sex at home, and you don't see why you should leave

Assume what you will it's a free country. I made an argument, a coherent one imo. Do your disagree? Why?

OP posts:
PiecesofFive · 15/08/2022 15:07

If you're a man you are a fool.

And if you are a woman you are very gullible.

The post is childish.

Maireas · 15/08/2022 15:08

PollyRockets · 15/08/2022 15:02

@SlickShady

So that's a yes then...

I was thinking the same...

PollyRockets · 15/08/2022 15:09

PiecesofFive · 15/08/2022 15:07

If you're a man you are a fool.

And if you are a woman you are very gullible.

The post is childish.

Why is this split by sex?

Someone of either sex can cheat.

Peanutbuttericecream1 · 15/08/2022 15:10

As soon as I read it I thought:
this is a man

"fulfill your side of the bargain" ewwww marriage is not a transaction you douchebag

doilookremotelyinterested · 15/08/2022 15:10

It's cheating.
If you don't like the lack of sex then talk about it with your partner. They can either say 'let's have more', 'no, I don't want to shag you' (can't think why, you sound delightful) or 'feel free to sleep around'. But if you don't get what you want at home then you leave, unless your OH suggests an open relationship of their own accord.

3peassuit · 15/08/2022 15:10

Of course it’s cheating.

MoonBat · 15/08/2022 15:10

I do think I know where you're coming from on this, but no it's not a winner/the loophole you're clearly looking for.

Unless you're in a relationship where it has been specifically agreed that if the other partner doesn't want sex, it can be sought elsewhere, then it's cheating.

If your partner has stopped having sex with you that's a discussion you need to have with them, as to whether it's the end of the relationship, or time to open it up or whatever.

RustySwitchblade · 15/08/2022 15:10

I think you have a point. If sex has dwindled then you simply aren’t as close as you used to be.

However, sometimes it isn’t that straightforward. Perhaps the ‘cheater’ in your scenario generally doesn’t communicate with the other partner and behaves in a way that causes resentment to the other, so the other half doesn’t want to have sex. In that way, the cheaters behaviour could be the root cause.

I know lots of women who would want more sex, but are resentful of their DH for leaving all the work to them. Means they’re too knackered!

I suppose that’s the thing with relationships- hard to say who’s to blame!

but I left my ex-DH because he was withholding sex from me. ( he was also a controlling creep). I didn’t cheat, but left the relationship. It’s up to both sides in a relationship to maintain or end it.

VariationsonaTheme · 15/08/2022 15:10

SlickShady · 15/08/2022 15:07

Assume what you will it's a free country. I made an argument, a coherent one imo. Do your disagree? Why?

Show quote history

It’s not coherent. It’s one aspect of a marriage. Nowhere in the ‘marriage contract’ does it say you should expect sex on demand or indeed any sex at all. What you do promise is for better or worse. If you don’t want to take the ‘worse’ whatever that might be, then dissolve the legal partnership before you break the contract.

gwenneh · 15/08/2022 15:10

You don't classify stopping intimate relations, the thing that differentiates marriage from friendship, as 'wanting something different'?

Marriage isn't differentiated from friendship by sex, so no, I do not classify stopping intimate relations as wanting something different.

SalviaOfficinalis · 15/08/2022 15:11

Maireas · 15/08/2022 15:08

I was thinking the same...

Show quote history

Definitely.