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Original poster

Can you even call it cheating?

283 replies

SlickShady · 15/08/2022 14:58

Inspired by another trending thread which I didn't want to derail, but actually it's not just that particular thread. How many times do people (usually women) complain their partner was cheating because they had sex outside of the marriage, yet they readily admit there was hardly or no sex within the marriage?

Can you really call that cheating?

I posit that cheating is only when you fulfil your side of the bargain but the other party doesn't. When one partner is always knackered or not in the mood, it's narcissistic to expect the other party just to do without. You can't even call it cheating if they find sex elsewhere.

Sure the favourite response is 'they have the option of leaving before cheating', but why is the onus of leaving on the partner who's deprived rather than the one depriving. Surely if one partner decides to hardly or never have sex anymore, it should be on them to leave.

OP posts:
tinplantpot · 15/08/2022 15:43

I can assure you op. If I found my partner was dipping his wick elsewhere I'd have his balls for earrings.

Does that answer your question?

continueorterminate · 15/08/2022 15:45

I can't find the contract I signed when I got together with my dp, so I can't remember how often I'm expected to shag him. Sometimes its daily, sonetimes its once amonth. Where are you going to draw the line? Is sex once a year still a sexually active relationship? I mean, I had sex a few days ago, but if he sleeps with someone else today is that OK because I haven't slept with him today? Is that me not fulfilling my duties?
Ridiculous man.

Marvellousmadness · 15/08/2022 15:46

You are something that rhymed with hole.

You really got nothing better to do eey...

Samanabanana · 15/08/2022 15:48

So, a husband is permitted to find sex outside the marriage when a women is recovering post partum? A wife is permitted to cheat on her husband when he suffers erectile disfunction? There's plenty of reasons why sex in a marriage ebbs and flows, it doesn't mean that the other party then gets a free pass to fuck around. If you feel like the relationship is not satisfying your needs, you have a conversation about it like grown ups. You then get to decide if you want to stay or move on. It isn't a licence to have your cake and eat it, imho.

DahliaDreamer · 15/08/2022 15:50

Peanutbuttericecream1 · 15/08/2022 15:17

Another man.
when I read my marriage vows I don’t recall anything in the deal about frequency of sex?????
there was stuff about for richer for poorer, sickness and in health…. But can’t remember committing to sex three times a week.

Show quote history

^^ This sums it up perfectly

PiecesofFive · 15/08/2022 15:54

It's a little known fact to men that women biologically cannot go with without sex for longer than 4 days.

This creates problems for women who live with selish arseholes that do not deserve any kind of sexual intimacy.

Fortunately there is a number we can call.
Check the phone bill.

I'd be worried sick if I were you.

VioletInsolence · 15/08/2022 15:54

What if she ‘fulfilled her side of the bargain’ but cried afterwards because she hated it? Because her partner doesn’t really care how she feels. And then she feels resentful and starts to hate you, which results in even less sex. And then you spend days sulking and ignoring her until you get what you want….then you’re nicer for a few days until the pressure starts to build and you’re back to your pathetic sulking.

You threaten to leave or cheat but in the end she leaves you, and you blame her because of the lack of sex and she blames herself too because she doesn’t yet fully understand the dynamics of relationships. And because of this she tortures herself for years and lets you get away with treating her like crap. After a while she realises that you’re an arrogant twat.

Unfortunately modern society isn’t really in synch with women’s desires. Men can generally have sex with anyone because they have higher sex drives and they’re not picky because they can have many children. Women are more selective because they have fewer children so they need to pick a fit partner. It’s a safer bet genetics-wise to choose different fathers. Maybe if you were really nice to her she’d stick with you.

Kashmirsilver · 15/08/2022 15:57

VariationsonaTheme · 15/08/2022 15:10

It’s not coherent. It’s one aspect of a marriage. Nowhere in the ‘marriage contract’ does it say you should expect sex on demand or indeed any sex at all. What you do promise is for better or worse. If you don’t want to take the ‘worse’ whatever that might be, then dissolve the legal partnership before you break the contract.

Show quote history

Marriages are voidable if no sex has taken place since the wedding date.
This implies that sex is part and parcel of the marriage.

Fladdermus · 15/08/2022 15:58

Tell me you're a man without saying you're a mam ...

PollyRockets · 15/08/2022 15:59

@Kashmirsilver there are many areas where you can claim an annulment

Not consummating the marriage is just one

Plus, key there it's possible, not enforced

Fladdermus · 15/08/2022 16:00
  • man obviously
PumpkinClementina · 15/08/2022 16:03

You've been listening to too much Andrew Tate OP.

orbitalcrisis · 15/08/2022 16:04

I don't think that most humans were built for lifelong monogamy but I would still say yes, it is cheating.

When two people enter into a partnership they agree on certain rules. Those rules can change as the dynamics of the relationship change. If you want to make a change such as this, you talk it through and agree it with the other partner. It's not a partnership if you don't include the other partner.

It is not part of the marriage contract that you allow the other to have sex with you whenever they feel like it, but it is part of the contract that you only have sex with each other for the duration of the marriage.

Hydrangeapetals · 15/08/2022 16:07

SlickShady · 15/08/2022 15:20

@MaybeIWillFuckOffThen

Thanks for your long reply. You're quite right that marriage isn't a promise of sex on demand or whatever, but marriage/cohabitation can be - at least partly - defined as a sexual relationship. Barring that aspect, it lacks one of the fundamentals of marriage.

I guees what I really want to tease out is the indignation. In so many cases you'll have one partner (usually the woman) admitting that she was rarely up to sex, yet she still feels betrayed and extremely hurt when she finds out her husband sought it elsewhere? Why? Surely you can't expect the other party to be celibate, much less so feel hurt if they sorted themselves out. Why do people feel, for lack of a better word, entitled to enforce celibacy on their partner?

I’m unsure why you think it’s usually the woman who decides the relationship will not include sex - multiple posts on here daily of women who have a male partner who doesn’t want sex. One Reddit sun dedicated to this topic is mostly women and there are several other ‘support’ places eg Facebook groups for women in this situation.

IReallyLikeCrows · 15/08/2022 16:08

Sometimes marriage is hard to differentiate from friendship, sex notwithstanding, because if you're not friends, if you don't have mutual respect and love, which one also has with the very closest of friends, then your marriage is only going one way. If you see sex as the only thing that makes a marriage different to a cohabiting friendship then, well, I don't know quite how your logic works but it's a bit fucked up.

Sex ebbs and flows throughout a long relationship, married or living together and mature adults understand this. Would it be cheating if a man decided that because his wife had just had a child and didn't want/really couldn't have sex for a period of months, then he was entitled to stick his dick in anyone who would have it? I mean seriously what on earth are you thinking?!

I know the thread you're talking about. There wasn't no sex, there was sex just not as often as he wanted, despite the fact that she also initiated sex ... at what point does one person's need for sex around the clock make another's lack of desire for that much sex become "fuck you, you don't give out on demand ergo I can have sex outside the marriage without telling you and it's not cheating because my logical process tells me that it's all about me and I can do what I want!" ?

If one partner wants more sex then it's a sit-down and talk about it situation. Funnily enough, that's what really holds a relationship together, the ability to communicate and not making every issue that comes up in the relationship to be all about you. I would hate to be your friend or your partner because you seem to have the most fucked up moral compass I've ever come across and I've known some real arseholes.

FOJN · 15/08/2022 16:11

I guees what I really want to tease out is the indignation.

Indignation? That's one way to trivialise the betrayal of infidelity.

Agree with PP you sound like a through and through misogynist regardless of whether you are male or female.

InTheFridge · 15/08/2022 16:12

Oh wow.

Cheating is cheating whatever way you try and dress it up.

SleepingStandingUp · 15/08/2022 16:14

Ok, lets pretend you're right. I have an obligation to provide DH with sex and if i won't he's entitled to go elsewhere.

who decides how much? Say we settle on once a week and four times over the weekend, how do you re negotiate for say late pregnancy, an emergent medical need, post birth etc?

If we settle on a post birth number of 7 per fortnight, and i get flu what happens then? If I'm just not feeling it can i just lie there like a piece of meat whilst he fucks me or do I have to feign interest?
.
If we're averaging one day less oer week than agreed can he only cheat on me once a week or could he save them up over a month and then use them all together on one person or a few prostitutes?

DarkShade · 15/08/2022 16:14

Hilarious OP, goadiest thread of the week I think. Assume you're in England and the school holidays are still in swing.

Yes obviosuly it's cheating. The person should leave. The "onus" is on them because the "onus" is on the person who is unhappy, not the person who is happy, obviously.

xogossipgirlxo · 15/08/2022 16:19

Well, it is cheating despite the background.

houseonthehill · 15/08/2022 16:26

Sure, you can hold this view, although 'cheating' is probably the wrong word. As long as you are clear and open with your partner/spouse about your Very Clever Philosophy on sex and relationships and don't hide it... because why would you?

RealBecca · 15/08/2022 16:27

At least a strong friendship does 50% of the effort. I think the real question is why would someone want to shag you? (The general "you" notamed at OP. Are you doing your fair share, not just brining in a higher salary. Are you making cups of tea? Are you taking a load off and making things easier? Are you making your would-be lover feel special and relaxed and in the mood for sex?

Sounds rapey to want your lover to put out when they dont want it. Does anyone enjoy that sort of sex? I know if my DH wasnt in the mood and i was groping an unenthusiastic body it wouldn't do it for me. Would it do it for you?

RealBecca · 15/08/2022 16:29

If the husband cheats because he isnt getting what he thinks is enough, can she cheat because there is another man who makes her feel special?

FloydPepper · 15/08/2022 16:31

SlickShady · 15/08/2022 15:00

Address the post not the poster.

Show quote history

Doesn’t matter if you’re a man or woman tbf

Yes still cheating, clearly so.

RealBecca · 15/08/2022 16:31

Is this another installment of the incel threads this week

Swipe left for the next trending thread