Can you even call it cheating?

[SlickShady]

Inspired by another trending thread which I didn't want to derail, but actually it's not just that particular thread. How many times do people (usually women) complain their partner was cheating because they had sex outside of the marriage, yet they readily admit there was hardly or no sex within the marriage?

Can you really call that cheating?

I posit that cheating is only when you fulfil your side of the bargain but the other party doesn't. When one partner is always knackered or not in the mood, it's narcissistic to expect the other party just to do without. You can't even call it cheating if they find sex elsewhere.

Sure the favourite response is 'they have the option of leaving before cheating', but why is the onus of leaving on the partner who's deprived rather than the one depriving. Surely if one partner decides to hardly or never have sex anymore, it should be on them to leave.

I can’t tell if this is a troll post

“Your side of the bargain” 😆

You sound like a great husband or wife…

Here’s my opinion on this

First of all there are some reasons such as health problems, pregnancy, stresses, grief, new baby etc that make people less likely to want sex temporary. Any loving partner would understand this and would accept that for now sex is off the cards or less often.

If I point out blank told my husband that I rarely, if ever, wanted sex because it doesn’t appeal to me anymore I would completely understand if he didn’t want to be with me anymore and chose to end the relationship. Sex is an important part of a relationship to some people

What I wouldn’t accept is my husband staying with me whilst having sex behind my back! Yes, of course that is cheating…

Any adult in a relationship should tell their partner that they want to leave before seeing other people

The cheater is always in the wrong in my opinion. If you’ve got a issue in your relationship you should be an adult about it and speak to one another rather than being a snake behind their back.

The promise is to forsake all others but not be forsaken yourself by your partner.

No, it isn't. The promise is to forsake all others. That's it.

Why should there be an expectation of the other party remaining celibate?
Because that's what "forsaking all others" literally means. If you don't like it, don't make the vow.

OMG 😭

WHY DO PEOPLE FEEL ENTITLED TO ENFORCE CELIBACY ON THEIR PARTNER?!

Ffs please listen to yourself

You do realise that 'life' can get in the way, normal people with normal lives and busy jobs won't always feel up to having sex - be it they're tired, have kids etc. etc.

I think you'll find that life gets in the way sometimes, rather than feeling 'entitled to forcing celibacy'

Jesus christ on a bike

I pity your partner, if you even have one

Reading your posts I totally understand why your partner has stopped sleeping with you 😂

If OP was less of dick, he might find his wife actually might want to have sex with him.

Love the fact he’s confident enough to think there’s someone else out there that might want to sleep with him!!!

Interesting perspective OP.

I think you're wrong though.

First off, no one, and I mean NO ONE, is entitled to sex with another.Be that with your spouse, or another. Getting married does not mean you've signed a bargain guaranteeing your spose sexual relations. This isn't 1722.

Secondly, marriage's are supposed to be about teamwork. If one partner is permanently tired and not in the mood, the other should be looking at how to alleviate that. They should both be trying to communicate their needs (and no, sex is a want, not a need) to each other, and trying to work together to get things back to better place for you both.

If that doesn't work, then you either need to look at other solutions, therapy, counselling or perhaps an open marriage arrangment. Still no dice, then you seperate.

Why is the onus on the "deprived" person ? Because they are the one who wants to change something.

But to go outside of your marriage, without having communicated and agreed it beforehand, is cheating.

As a side note, not getting sex doesn't mean you're being deprived. You have no entitlement to sex, and the lack of it isn't damaging.

Of course it's cheating.

I'm extremely lucky to be married to my best friend. We both want sex more than we are actually able to at the minute - and no, it's nothing to do with making time. Sometimes I want it but he's too tired, sometimes he does but I'm tired. Sometimes the stars align, we're both awake and the sleep thief child is actually asleep and and the older child is in bed/at a sleepover with a friend etc etc.

We'd both be heartbroken if the other one just went elsewhere because we weren't getting enough at home.

I struggled massively after DS2 was born by emcs and physically couldn't have done anything for ages after that, should DH have gone elsewhere because I wasn't keeping up my end of the bargain....?

Maybe, if desires change in a relationship - the mature thing to do would be to, er, talk about it?

And yes, the onus is on the person wanting more to decide to leave as the other option would be the person not wanting it to just suck it up an do it anyway "because they should"??

No, you can’t say it’s not cheating. But I definitely think there are some situations where there is a toxic attitude to sex on both sides. There is a post that circulates on Facebook every now and again which is called something grim like Hubby’s Reward Chart and it lists different chores and the sex act the wife is prepared to give as an award. And every time I see it there are hundreds of comments from women joking about this is how they manage their husbands. No, it’s not nice to be pawed at when you are loading the washing machines but this isn’t any better.

Of course it's cheating. If one half of the relationship isn't happy with the amount of sex they're having though the good news is they can end the relationship!

But some women don't want sex and have made it clear they'd happily end the relationship but the man is refusing to or makes it very hard for the woman to do it (threatening acrimonious separation, kids etc) but then moans they're not getting any sex. Sometimes the man doesn't want to leave even when the woman wants him to.

If you're not getting it at home, you split before you dip elsewhere.

Of course it's cheating.

If the relationship changes in ways one partner is not happy with then it's up to them to start a conversation about it. If a compromise can't be reached then the relationship needs to end for the sake of both partners. Not getting what you want all the time is not a justification for deceiving a partner in order to have your needs met elsewhere.

It's possible that partners may reach an agreement which permits one partner to have their sexual needs met outside their primary relationship so that there is no need for deception.

Shock horror. Man asks a question, doesn't get the response he wants and tries to dictate the conversation

Surely you can't expect the other party to be celibate

No, you can expect the other party to tell you that they want to end the relationship.

If a woman married a man who had agreed he wanted to have children with her, but he later changed his mind, thereby going back on his commitment, do you think that it would be fine for her to unilaterally stop using birth control, or poke holes in their condoms, or just go and get pregnant by someone else? Or do you think the best thing would be for her to discuss it with him, decide whether she was willing to stay with him anyway, and if not, end the relationship?

It's not his fault he's realised he doesn't want children. Hemade the commitment in good faith amd didn't know he'd end up feeling this way. It's not fair for him to expect her to remain childless. But none of that means it's ok or remotely necessary for her to deceive him.

Literally, can tell he's an arrogant misogynistic arse who feels 'entitled' to sex with his partner whenever, wherever he pleases lol

Sex isn't an entitlement.

Even if it were, as you seem to think, then the problem with your argument is that you are assuming if sex isn't happening then the party who says 'no' is responsible for that.

So many scenarios the woman stops wanting sex because she is utterly exhausted from carrying far more of the labour and mental load of managing the house and having children. Or the man makes no effort with their fitness, appearance or hygiene. Or the man is a selfish, boring lover who basically wants to come then roll over and isn't interested in therapy or making an effort to actually please their partner. Or perhaps there is illness or loss of sex drive - very commonly related to the physical and mental costs of having borne the man's children.... There are a million reasons the drying up of sex is not just the responsibility of the person who finally says 'no'. If you don't see that then it sounds like you think regardless of all of the above, a human is obliged to deliver sex just because they are married which is seriously fucked up.

Then in the far, far rarer scenario of the woman having an utterly wonderful, unburdened life, with a magical, caring attentive loving partner - and that woman randomly deciding to stop having sex for ever and ever..... even in that scenario, the mature ethical thing to do is talk with that partner, and decide together - do we both stay celibate, do we open the marriage so we maintain our romantic lifelong partnership but allow the sexually active one to seek pleasure elsewhere, or do we break up. The option of "I feel deprived so will secretly go fuck other people" is always a shit, unethical option. It is cowardly and undeniably deceptive way to get what you want (which is the definition of cheating).

Perfectly said ! 👏🏼

Yes it's cheating.

Sex in a marriage or long term relationship is consensual. Consent can be removed and given at will. Sex as an expectation removes that consent. Other parts of a marriage include "forsaking all others" and "in sickness and in health". So yeah. All sex outside of marriage is cheating.

Of course it's cheating. Being in a partnership with someone means forsaking all others.

If you are no longer getting what you 'want' from the partnership - be a decent human being and end the partnership before being intimate with someone else.

Anything other than this makes you a massive arsehole. HTH.

One of my best friends is a bloke. He can fuck whoever he likes because he's not in an intimate relationship with me.

My partner and I are exclusive which means if he's not happy with the amount of sex he's getting them he should try talking to me first, and if he's still not happy he should initiate a split before he fucks someone else.

What is hard to understand about that?

Yes I agree - actually I think I know of more women that have cheated than men

"Deprived" 🤣🤣🤣 When one person in a marriage doesn't want to have sex with their spouse there's usually a very good reason or more accurately several good reasons.

Also. I'm not married. Does this mansplaining only apply to marriage?

I don’t know which thread you’re referring to but they’re have been posts on here where the responses are in line with your view. A woman posted she was shocked her husband was having an affair and people were sympathetic till she said they hadn’t had sex in a decade, she’d told him it was never happening again, and the consensus changed to what did she expect, of course it was inevitable he’d go elsewhere and she shouldn’t be at all surprised.

So you want to screw around but also don't want to leave.

So you wish your wife to remain faithful whilst you get your rocks off elsewhere.

I'd be looking closer in your own home, a wife whose seriously pissed off with something, won't let you touch her, I bet she's been getting it elsewhere for ages.

All married women do.

But if it doesn't bother you ....