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Original poster

Can you even call it cheating?

283 replies

SlickShady · 15/08/2022 14:58

Inspired by another trending thread which I didn't want to derail, but actually it's not just that particular thread. How many times do people (usually women) complain their partner was cheating because they had sex outside of the marriage, yet they readily admit there was hardly or no sex within the marriage?

Can you really call that cheating?

I posit that cheating is only when you fulfil your side of the bargain but the other party doesn't. When one partner is always knackered or not in the mood, it's narcissistic to expect the other party just to do without. You can't even call it cheating if they find sex elsewhere.

Sure the favourite response is 'they have the option of leaving before cheating', but why is the onus of leaving on the partner who's deprived rather than the one depriving. Surely if one partner decides to hardly or never have sex anymore, it should be on them to leave.

OP posts:
PiecesofFive · 19/08/2022 17:16

From the POV of the cheating partner is where it gets more complex. The
simplistic view, which seems to be the predominant one here, is that
they should first leave the relationship before pursuing sex elsewhere.
And I don't necessarily disagree with that, but I think it's more
complex and nuanced. After all this partner isn't the one who
unilaterally changed the situation, so why should they be the one to
suffer?

At a guess I would say your wife is suffering in some way at the moment.
Very rarely do women not have sex just "because', there is always a reason and it sounds as though you don't really want to get to the bottom of why she doesn't.

Have you actually asked her why she no longer feels safe to have sex with you anymore?
And have you told her about your views on this subject and your view that you are going to be actively looking for sex outside the marriage or is that only for us to hear.

You say you did nothing to change the situation and you are suffering, do you really believe that between two people in a marriage that you have not contributed to this change in your wife.

Blossomtoes · 19/08/2022 17:20

I really wish I hadn’t opened this thread, it’s beyond awful.

PiecesofFive · 19/08/2022 17:31

You are doing what every immature man child does in a relationship when he is not getting his own way.

Instead of trying to 'fix' things you are stubbornly digging your heels in and acting like you want to wreak vengance on your wife for daring to not to fawn over you, even though you may not deserve sex.

In other words we don't know how much of a twat you've been.

Whatever your motives for the contract changes to wish to implant, it will backfire, you are going to make things worse, but go ahead, you will end up with the marriage you deserve.

Hopefully your wife will get the finacial settlement she deserves and a new partner who does not blackmail her into sex and maybe even a lovely stepfather to your children, someone who doesn't play games, is mature and makes his wife dream about him through the day. Yes it's possible for her life to change immeasurably instead of being with someone who whines about lack of sex and hasn't a clue how to make a woman feel desired, safe and loved.

Grow up, but you won't.

Blizzardbeach · 19/08/2022 17:38

SlickShady · 15/08/2022 14:58

Inspired by another trending thread which I didn't want to derail, but actually it's not just that particular thread. How many times do people (usually women) complain their partner was cheating because they had sex outside of the marriage, yet they readily admit there was hardly or no sex within the marriage?

Can you really call that cheating?

I posit that cheating is only when you fulfil your side of the bargain but the other party doesn't. When one partner is always knackered or not in the mood, it's narcissistic to expect the other party just to do without. You can't even call it cheating if they find sex elsewhere.

Sure the favourite response is 'they have the option of leaving before cheating', but why is the onus of leaving on the partner who's deprived rather than the one depriving. Surely if one partner decides to hardly or never have sex anymore, it should be on them to leave.

TBH I'd say it's more narcissistic if one partner doesn't want sex because they are leavened after being the default parent, default cleaner, default cook who still goes to work then is cheated on.

I think that the relationship getting to the state where one is doing everything is the problem, then instead of the problem being worked on, one strays.

That seems completely narcissistic to me.

And no, that's not my excuse to not fuck my husband

Crikeyalmighty · 19/08/2022 17:48

If it's such a dealbreaker for you OP - why haven't you initiated divorce??

HTH1 · 19/08/2022 17:54

No offence @SlickShady (who I’m guessing is a lawyer) but your attitude is likely to be proving quite a turn off for DW! Most women probably would dig their heels in if told it’s their job to sleep with you and failure to do so will result in their being blamed and cheated on. Have you really tried to make your marriage work and to keep the romance and doing your bit around the house, with the DC etc?

If not, perhaps the two of you are incompatible and it’s time to call it a day, even if that does mean sacrifices on your part.

PiecesofFive · 19/08/2022 18:02

Crikeyalmighty · 19/08/2022 17:48

If it's such a dealbreaker for you OP - why haven't you initiated divorce??

Because of the money, the house, the pension, the pot washing, the clothes washing, ironing, the childcare, the breakfast, tea and dinner, the house admin, the housekeeper, all that shit for nothing that goes on which you can't even begin to know what she does for you.

Not having to be grateful, respectful, kind or atentative to the woman who carried and gave birth to his children and put him and her family before everyone else.

Meanwhile he wants to shag other women, take your job and and your lack of emotional understanding and f off with some random vagina and say hello to being an absent father.

Write back on here when you're 70, tell us how it's gone.
Regrets.

endofline · 19/08/2022 18:07

PiecesofFive · 19/08/2022 17:31

You are doing what every immature man child does in a relationship when he is not getting his own way.

Instead of trying to 'fix' things you are stubbornly digging your heels in and acting like you want to wreak vengance on your wife for daring to not to fawn over you, even though you may not deserve sex.

In other words we don't know how much of a twat you've been.

Whatever your motives for the contract changes to wish to implant, it will backfire, you are going to make things worse, but go ahead, you will end up with the marriage you deserve.

Hopefully your wife will get the finacial settlement she deserves and a new partner who does not blackmail her into sex and maybe even a lovely stepfather to your children, someone who doesn't play games, is mature and makes his wife dream about him through the day. Yes it's possible for her life to change immeasurably instead of being with someone who whines about lack of sex and hasn't a clue how to make a woman feel desired, safe and loved.

Grow up, but you won't.

Excellent post.

Except for the bit about us not knowing how much of a twat OP has been.

Its pretty clear he has been a total twat and it’s not at all surprising that his wife has gone off sex with a man with the attitude displayed in his posts.

Tigofigo · 19/08/2022 18:10

So by the same token would it be ok to cheat if one partner didn't orgasm often, as the quality of sex wasn't up to scratch?

And how much does the frequency have to drop for it to be ok to cheat?

If my partner wants it 10 times a week but I'm ok with once a fortnight is it ok for them to cheat?

It's a slippery slope.

Crikeyalmighty · 19/08/2022 18:14

@PiecesofFive Summed it up far better than me I think. !!

MiseryWIthAStent · 19/08/2022 18:34

Well yes because you're an adult and you make choices, you could talk to your partner about the lack of sex, think about couples counselling, ask if there's a problem physically and would they feel better on their own at the doctors or would they like their partner there.
You could wank. You could go without. You could talk about the possibility of an open relationship. You could break up.

SkirridHill · 19/08/2022 19:42

Coo, it smells like incel over here. Withholding sex indeed. 😂

PumpkinClementina · 19/08/2022 19:42

What a nauseating, condescending tone you have OP. No wonder your poor wife doesn't want to shag you, it must be terribly off putting.

EverydayIsPJday · 19/08/2022 20:03

Sorry OP, your posts might sound 'all grown up', big words, fancy tones, but quite frankly it reeks of a (pardon the pun) giant knob.

Fwiw I wouldn't shag you either, so good for her I say 👏

3peassuit · 19/08/2022 20:20

Just do the poor woman a favour and leave. Does she have to endure you banging on like this all the time?

pointythings · 19/08/2022 20:30

@EverydayIsPJday I think the knob in question might not actually be gigantic at all.

EverydayIsPJday · 19/08/2022 20:45

@pointythings not the one in the pants no...

Honestly. A painful read.

Hira3 · 19/08/2022 20:48

Looks like hairy hand here is not getting the messsge. Therefore anyone in their right mind here should just abandon the thread. Guarenteed this thread will make it to some rag on a slow news day.

ThankYouVeryMuchGerry · 19/08/2022 20:50

I feel dirty reading this thread. Intel central, really OP, will we be reading about you in the papers soon?

CFLandlordStory · 19/08/2022 21:02

I get it.

In a perfect world you can discuss this freely and express your desires or how your needs aren't being fulfilled. Its not always that easy though. Conversations aren't always straightforward transactions and saying to a partner that you don't feel fulfilled won't always be met with a rational response. No one wants to hear that they aren't enough and its easy to get defensive rather than talk properly.

It is cheating, of course. Its breaking an agreement to only get intimacy from each other.

However, a relationship is an agreement to fulfill each others emotional, romantic and sexual needs and if you change your side of that by withdrawing from intimacy that had been there previously then you have changed the agreement. If this happens without a proper discussion it is ALSO a form of breaking the agreement. Anyone has a right to reject physical intimacy but you're not being fair to then expect the partner to go without.

Yes there are many reasons for someone to lose interest and some of these may be influenced by the partner, not doing their share etc.

The fact is without proper discussions, open and honest conversations, none of it is fair. Not the lack of intimacy/withdrawing or the cheating.

In my experience both sides tend to be guilty of refusing to talk about it.

When the person who wants sex tries to talk about it they are often blamed for being pushy. This is true for both sexes i assure you.

CFLandlordStory · 19/08/2022 21:05

Just to clarify though, still cheating and if you cant talk about it and you cant put up with it, you should leave.

ihatebojo · 19/08/2022 23:07

Engaging in sexual behaviours outside of a marriage is cheating. It's a blanket term.

You can attempt to justify it however you wish, but it is still cheating.

Taking something that doesn't belong to you but belongs to someone else is stealing, no matter what the motives.

The main issue here, as I see it, is communication. If someone has a basic fundamental need that is not being met, and communicates that with their significant other, then most of the time the parties will work together until a satisfactory solution is found. If communication or a desire to find a compromise/solution is found to be lacking, there is a more serious issue as the relationship is essentially flawed.

But cheating is still cheating. You can't put a spin on that.

BitOutOfPractice · 19/08/2022 23:12

Posit? Ugh. Wanky.

I know that’s such a childish response but posit? Really? This isn’t the trial of Mary queen in Scots or something. You lost me there.

SpaceyCake · 19/08/2022 23:36

PiecesofFive · 19/08/2022 17:31

You are doing what every immature man child does in a relationship when he is not getting his own way.

Instead of trying to 'fix' things you are stubbornly digging your heels in and acting like you want to wreak vengance on your wife for daring to not to fawn over you, even though you may not deserve sex.

In other words we don't know how much of a twat you've been.

Whatever your motives for the contract changes to wish to implant, it will backfire, you are going to make things worse, but go ahead, you will end up with the marriage you deserve.

Hopefully your wife will get the finacial settlement she deserves and a new partner who does not blackmail her into sex and maybe even a lovely stepfather to your children, someone who doesn't play games, is mature and makes his wife dream about him through the day. Yes it's possible for her life to change immeasurably instead of being with someone who whines about lack of sex and hasn't a clue how to make a woman feel desired, safe and loved.

Grow up, but you won't.

Brilliantly put. I also wish I hadn't read this thread. 😤

InsertPunHere · 20/08/2022 11:17

Every post by the OP makes it blindingly obvious why his wife won't shag him.