To be sick of seeing "cool girl" or "cool wife" used as an insult

[11GrumpsaGrumping]

I have been on a few threads recently where some posters have been really quite cruel to other posters, including me, for having different boundaries and preferences than they do.

The terms "cool girl" or "cool wife" are slung at them, with the implication made (sometimes directly) that said "cool" person doesn't really do/feel/enjoy the way the say they do, and are just trying to be cool.

Everyone has different boundaries, experiences, cultural influences, relationships, ages, backgrounds, etc- why is it not okay for one person to find for example strippers okay within their marriage and others not to, without the former being accused of being part of the "cool wives brigade".

Is it really that hard for people to understand and accept that we all have different boundaries and lines in the sand?

It really makes me angry and I find it just another way in which woman choose to tear other women down, when what we need to do is support one another.

I haven’t seen that one yet . I do seem to get called a Pearl clutcher a few times here, presumably because I must sound old-fashioned. I don’t know what else.

I tend to think the people responding in threads can get over-excited and end up being more rude to each other than they would be in real life. Certain women in the situations described by Op’s are often ignored, or in fact insulted somehow as part of a defence of the women posting the question. All in the name of feminism somehow. And we are supposed to not be door mats, even if it means we don’t help out others. All a bit weird

I don't disagree with anything that you have said. I just feel that there seems to be boxes that we have been put into and I don't see how we can't have debate or education on these subjects based on the ideas brought to the table rather than just lowering it all by introducing more misogynistic put-downs. I have never been called a "cool wife", but I could imagine it doesn't feel great. It's an attempt to project to other posters that this persons opinion doesn't matter. That they are in the different box. Why can't there just be more of a norm to challenge the ideas/attitudes than diminish the person? Because (in my opinion) calling a person a "cool wife" is intended to make that person feel small.

@AdamRyan

Thank you for saying that, I have massive brain fog and my cognition isn't great at the minute, so I am really glad to hear the post was understandable. I can go round the houses a bit explaining anything!

Because (in my opinion) calling a person a "cool wife" is intended to make that person feel small

but no less small than someone posting their concerns about their partner's porn use and being told meh, doesn't bother me.

perhaps we all need to get better at not diminishing the concerns of others, whatever those concerns happen to be.

Agreed there is a lot of this going on but again there is a lot of stuff just normal folk put up that they make themselves on pornhub

Hmm, heard about Rose Kalemba? Raped at 14 and the video of it put on Pornhub by her attackers and despite her pleading with Pornhub to take the video down it remained on there for over a year, they finally removed it when Rose pretended to be a Lawyer and emailed then threatening legal action. And Rose is NOT the only young girl or woman this has happened to.

Pornhub the company that settled a lawsuit brought by 50 women who were victims of a sex trafficking operation, that Pornhub?

You have NO idea of the provenance of the stuff put up by 'normal folk'.

However it is labeled, it all centres around men and their often selfish and cruel behaviour towards women.
How women are mocked and shamed to put up with such behaviours just to have a man, any man.

How many men would put up with his partner/wife regularly going to male strippers and getting lap dances?
How many men would do painful and degrading sex acts that he got nothing from just to please her?
How many men would put up with her having many overly friendly and intrusive male friends?

OP, why would you care what anon people online call you? Cool girl isn't vile or offensive. If you're not, then who cares.

Again, my statement stands. There is a LOT of stuff just normal folk put up on Pornhub that they make themselves, there are also a LOT of disturbing uploads on Pornhub and Youporn ( they are the only 2 I know). Depends on what you are into watching. I am sure there are hundreds if not thousands of porn websites. There will always be a demand for porn, porn will always sell no matter what. It is there for the long haul and a lot of it will keep pushing the boundaries further and further until there is nowhere left to go.

If someone comes on posting their concern about their partner watching porn, they are asking for opinions. If someone says...meh it doesn't bother me. That is just that person's opinion. If they say, don't be so uptight, my husband watches it all the time, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it, you need to chill...that is a whole other story.

If someone comes on posting their concern about their partner watching porn, they are asking for opinions. If someone says...meh it doesn't bother me. That is just that person's opinion.

It adds exactly what to the discussion? The inference is always there that because it doesn't bother that person then the poster should just 'lighten up'.

If they say, don't be so uptight, my husband watches it all the time, there is absolutely nothing wrong with it, you need to chill...that is a whole other story.

More often than not this is what is said and if not said directly implied very strongly, frequently accompanied by we watch porn together, our sex life is amazing.

If someone comes on posting their concern about their partner watching porn, they are asking for opinions. If someone says...meh it doesn't bother me. That is just that person's opinion.

It adds exactly what to the discussion? The inference is always there that because it doesn't bother that person then the poster should just 'lighten up'.

This is what I find tricky tbh. That this women above needs to be silent.

If they were to go on to criticise or put down others, call them prudes or tell them to chill or lighten up etc I'd be very critical.

For example on this thread a poster has said she is OK with OH watching porn. But has no judgement whatsoever if others choose not to do that.

I have felt no inference there tbh. And I feel it does add to this discussion. It has made me consider what my own boundaries are.

It adds exactly what to the discussion? The inference is always there that because it doesn't bother that person then the poster should just 'lighten up

More oft than not this is in AIBU so it actually asking an opinion...would YOU be annoyed at this. People answer no, it does not bother me.

More often than not this is what is said and if not said directly implied very strongly, frequently accompanied by we watch porn together, our sex life is amazing

I don't agree with this. By all means answer it doesn't bother you but telling people they need to lighten up or that they are uptight or even worse, the shared porn watching/great sex life....that is out of order but I do think people should be allowed say something does not bother them if people are allowed say something does bother them with either party belittling the other's preference.

I think that was me. I have not got issue with my husband watching porn BUT I would fully back a woman who DOES have an issue with it. I don't think she is uptight or frigid or matronly, I admire her for upholding her values and boundaries. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having different boundaries.