To be sick of seeing "cool girl" or "cool wife" used as an insult

[11GrumpsaGrumping]

I have been on a few threads recently where some posters have been really quite cruel to other posters, including me, for having different boundaries and preferences than they do.

The terms "cool girl" or "cool wife" are slung at them, with the implication made (sometimes directly) that said "cool" person doesn't really do/feel/enjoy the way the say they do, and are just trying to be cool.

Everyone has different boundaries, experiences, cultural influences, relationships, ages, backgrounds, etc- why is it not okay for one person to find for example strippers okay within their marriage and others not to, without the former being accused of being part of the "cool wives brigade".

Is it really that hard for people to understand and accept that we all have different boundaries and lines in the sand?

It really makes me angry and I find it just another way in which woman choose to tear other women down, when what we need to do is support one another.

As for not judging me, I really couldn't care less what you think of me.

Likewise Lass.

I am now 100% convinced that some kind of Cool Girl (or I'm not like Other Girls or Pick Me Girl) bat-signal has gone out. And now there is a discussion from a 20something about how much better men are as friends because girls are airheads or something.

And i see all the admissions here about how posters were Cool Girls in their 20s and i wonder if that poster will have a period of self-reflection and revelation about how harmful Gender Stereotypes are.

I digress.

Maybe it's a phase that we go through?

I'm just astonished at the inability of the "cool" posters to see the bigger picture. It's depressing really- "la,la,la can't hear you, can't see anything"

Maybe if you stop calling them names- cool used in a derogatory way- they might be more likely to pay attention to what you say. And that was the point of the thread I thought. But it appears if you think you are righter than other people its ok to call them names.

From what I've seen of this thread being thoroughly unpleasnt to those who disagree seems to be a real issue for the 'cool' gang, but apparently that doesn't count for Reasons...

By which I mean the cool ones being thoroughly unpleasant to others

Why does the existence of your boundaries mean that you don't have to think about all the women in the porn your OH/your friends watch who weren't allowed to have boundaries ?

You must be able to see that affects those women too - but you don't give a fuck about them.

As I said, I'm all right Jack.

I put quotes round "cool" as it isn't a word I personally would use. However,there are posters on here who have adopted it to describe themselves and/ or say they are "cool" with porn, stripping etc. I was using their own term.

*Why does the existence of your boundaries mean that you don't have to think about all the women in the porn your OH/your friends watch who weren't allowed to have boundaries ?

You must be able to see that affects those women too - but you don't give a fuck about them.

As I said, I'm all right Jack.*

Following this thread, but I'm getting confused now as to what you are asking for from this poster?

What more do you think she should be doing or saying given her OH/friends might watch Porn?

I'm a bit confused myself to be fair.

Think about the wider picture?

The possibility these women she is gawping at for cheap kicks aren't doing it voluntarily?

Even if were, the wider societal implications for all women of normalising the idea that women's bodies can be bought to use as a masturbation tool?

I put quotes round "cool" as it isn't a word I personally would use. However,there are posters on here who have adopted it to describe themselves and/ or say they are "cool" with porn, stripping etc. I was using their own term.

That's very disingenuous. The whole thread is about 'cool wives' and 'cool girls' I have never seen anyone on here say they are 'cool' with stripping etc. They may say they have no problem with it. It's used as an insult and so my point still stands- name calling is not on.

*Think about the wider picture?

The possibility these women she is gawping at for cheap kicks aren't doing it voluntarily?

Even if were, the wider societal implications for all women of normalising the idea that women's bodies can be bought to use as a masturbation tool?*

No she doesn't watch porn.

But her OH/ friends might. That's what she said.

So knowing the wider picture. What should she do? In your mind? That's what I don't understand.

And 'cool girl' has only been used as a negative on this thread. Even by posters describing how they used to be 'cool girls'.

The only woman I gawp at is meself in the mirror and curse the shed load of choc I ate the week before.

I don't watch porn in any form.

My friends that do watch porn watch it for the men so the same could be said for buying men's bodies as a masturbation tool.

Exactly this.

Thank you.

I would be interested in what Lassie suggests I do?

The whole thread is about 'cool wives' and 'cool girls' I have never seen anyone on here say they are 'cool' with stripping etc. They may say they have no problem with it. It's used as an insult and so my point still stands- name calling is not on.

Then you haven't seen many MN threads. Referring to the Cool Wives/Girls isn't name calling. It is identifying a phenomenon. And as previous pp here and elsewhere have said, giving it a name caused them to realise their own internalised misogyny and work on that.

Then you haven't seen many MN threads. Referring to the Cool Wives/Girls isn't name calling. It is identifying a phenomenon. And as previous pp here and elsewhere have said, giving it a name caused them to realise their own internalised misogyny and work on that.

No I realise people say "I'm cool with that" on other threads. I thought the poster was referring to what's been said on this thread.

I don't like Cool Girl personally but neither do I like Pearl Clutcher etc. Or any name that just reduces the discussion and polarises talk into a tit for tat war.

I get that these tropes are very useful as a sort of 'shorthand ' for something. And what Cool Girl is shorthand for has been explained on here. And the implications. Very well .

But has no one noticed that the definition already on this thread has been pushed past that?

"They" are unpleasant to those that disagree
"They " are brainwashed
"They" will put up with anything

What all of them ? all the time? As a definitive?

Then what is that definitive Cool Girl line? Someone needs to lay it out.

But in reality As @Brefugee says there is probably a sliding scale of what people tolerate.

And using Cool Girl/wife etc has just slipped into abuse like Pearl Clutcher. Cool Girl is chucked about indiscriminately on MN, Regardless of the boundary being breached. I think it's come to mean mean something very different to the Gone Girl thing.

It's very easy though to successfully rebut claims of being the Cool Wife by pointing out what a Cool Wife is.

Like all the people who use the term gaslighting when it isn't.

I'm not trying to rebut anything tbh.

i'm genuinely trying to understand how there is so much abuse of other women around this word.

Which wouldn't be tolerated in another context.

What i meant is that if you make a comment and someone comes back with "oh the Cool Girls are here" and you're not indulging in Cool Girl behaviour you can
a) ignore it, they are obviously not speaking to you or point out that it's not cool girl stuff
or
b) have a quick look at what you wrote, is it cool girl stuff? then either own it or carry on

It is not abusing someone as such to call out their Cool Girl behaviour. That is a very clear phenomenon reported on by enough sociologists that people understand what the shorthand means. Quite the opposite: the cool girls are indulging in misogynistic behaviour.

Ohhh yawn.

WHO gets to say what constitutes as "cool girl stuff"? Me not minding my DH watching porn doesn't make me "cool", nor does it mean I am indulging in mysogynistic behaviour...what absolute clap trap. Same way as the fact I don't watch porn and think anal sex is gross doesn't make me a pearl clutcher.

Have a look at what you wrote...it is cool girl stuff..then own it?

Get a GRIP!

So sick at tired of being called a "cool girl" in a derogatory way because I am ok with my husband having a hand shuffle and watching a bit of porn by woman who find it abhorrent that I am ok with it whilst their husbands are more than likely doing the same behind their backs.

I would never tell a woman she is wrong for not allowing her husband to watch porn. I would not judge her for that. They are her boundaries, Her rules for HER marriage.

None of my business.

It is not abusing someone as such to call out their Cool Girl behaviour. That is a very clear phenomenon reported on by enough sociologists that people understand what the shorthand means. Quite the opposite: the cool girls are indulging in misogynistic behaviour.

I understand that there is this sociological phenomenon. And that refers to cool girls indulging in misogynistic behaviour.

But It's used repeatedly on MN to refer to posters who step outside another posters OWN personal boundaries. And we know boundaries are fluid.

The cool girl boundaries are very very blurred on MN. So it has become abuse.

a) ignore it, they are obviously not speaking to you or point out that it's not cool girl stuff
or
b) have a quick look at what you wrote, is it cool girl stuff? then either own it or carry on

I'm fine with how to react tbh.

But my argument is it's just a knee jerk reaction now.
and a way to "other" as in
" they are always unpleasant, brainwashed etc" on this thread.