To be sick of seeing "cool girl" or "cool wife" used as an insult

[11GrumpsaGrumping]

I have been on a few threads recently where some posters have been really quite cruel to other posters, including me, for having different boundaries and preferences than they do.

The terms "cool girl" or "cool wife" are slung at them, with the implication made (sometimes directly) that said "cool" person doesn't really do/feel/enjoy the way the say they do, and are just trying to be cool.

Everyone has different boundaries, experiences, cultural influences, relationships, ages, backgrounds, etc- why is it not okay for one person to find for example strippers okay within their marriage and others not to, without the former being accused of being part of the "cool wives brigade".

Is it really that hard for people to understand and accept that we all have different boundaries and lines in the sand?

It really makes me angry and I find it just another way in which woman choose to tear other women down, when what we need to do is support one another.

How about you let the op talk to him/herself?

It's from Gone Girl, isn't it? A big rant about the effort and work that some women put in so that they can appear 'cool' to men. That it's mostly an illusion

god no - it has been around since i was a teenager back in the Middle-ages (or the 1980s as i like to call it)

The point is that women are not an autonomous glob they are individuals with individual lives, wishes and boundaries. Thanks to (mostly 2nd wave at this point) feminism this is not a controversial opinion. And yet there are plenty of women/girls who are completely prepared/willing to throw any other woman under the bus if they are of a different opinion, or who seem to be encroaching on "their territory".

Some of the Cool Girls/Wives are being abused. They put up with, say, painful rough sex because it is more important for them to keep the man interested than look out for their own safety. Often it's just about "territory" or even unrequited "love". Who knows? but it is a well researched phenomenon.

Other social phenomena are available.

Shit in your opinion, which to another couple is literally worthless.

Concentrate on your own marriage, not on trying to police others, no matter how important you think you are.

Everyone has different boundaries, experiences, cultural influences, relationships, ages, backgrounds, etc- why is it not okay for one person to find for example strippers okay within their marriage and others not to, without the former being accused of being part of the "cool wives brigade".

Is it really that hard for people to understand and accept that we all have different boundaries and lines in the sand?

It seems very hard for the ones who find strippers okay within their marriage to refrain from telling those who don't that they are not cool, not enlightened, prudish, etc So who is failing to accept different boundaries and lines in the sand here? Why do they need to come on thread where an OP clearly doesn't accept strippers are okay within her marriage and lecture the OP as how she should change her boundaries and accept it?

From what I have seen on here the ones who are cool with porn and strippers are the ones who are the most sneery and judgemental of those who are not and think everyone should adhere to their standards.

Concentrate on your own marriage, not on trying to police others, no matter how important you think you are.

Good advice perhaps those who like to tell OPs that they are all fine and dandy and cool with strippers and porn in their marriages might like to do the same.

YANBU.

In the lap dancing thread it was the “morally superior” posters who started throwing around the “cool wife” insult first.

Not everyone has to have the same opinion. Bizarre.

But there’s no need to “defend” a man against doing something that their partner thinks is fine but which you don’t.

sorry missed this.

Then you aren't one of the Cool Wives are you? The lapdance thread is interesting, but i haven't yet got to accusations of Cool Wivery so it could get boring soon, because what it does show is that there are a whole range of what a whole load of women find acceptable behaviours.

Cool Wives will jump in and defend some really shitty behaviour. Why? who knows, I'm not one and never will be. But i do have very different boundaries in my relationship with my DH than other women do. Part of that is down to our personalities. Part of it is that we have been together for decades and priorities and boundaries do tend to shift and change over time.

As for Cool Girls and Pick Me Girls being different - they are not exactly the same but there are lots of overlaps. Not least in the way that these women often centre the men in their lives to the detriment of their own interests.

I don't use the term often, because, frankly, i've spent too long fighting for women not to be reduced to their body parts or against gender stereotyping. At this stage I'll tend to be "well, you do you". But i do sometimes use it when i see it happening.

Fully agree with this but I’m sure someone will be along to tell us soon that we’re just insecure harridans who can’t handle our husbands having female friends.

Nah, YABU.

It’s a good and usefull description of certain kind of women who pander to men.

This what I thought it meant. I thought it was using ‘cool’ as a sarcastic term, hence the quotation marks. It’s not actually cool to pander to your partner obviously. It’s trying to be cool but you’re not? Something like that.

YANBU. Everyone has their own boundaries in relationships. This needs to be remembered by everyone commenting. One persons boundaries are not wrong, just different. Neither 'side' should be throwing insults at the other for the boundaries they have.

Usually, in my experience, posters get accused of being 'cool girls' precisely because have turned up on a thread and mocked other women as being naïve, prudish or 'not living in the real world' for having a decently high bar for the behaviour of the man in their life.

So it seems a little unreasonable or dusingenuous to paint the 'cool girls' as being the ones who aren't allowed to have different boundaries.

Funny how the really nasty, personal and inaccurate stuff in this thread is all being posted by the poor victims of this alleged slur.
It's almost as if they're unsure they're right and have to attack other women to be certain. Awfully telling, in my 'worthless' opinion.

*disingenuous

@NCHammer2022

Oh don't worry, they're already in full cry. Quelle surprise.

No way does Cool Wives equate to misogyny- it's the polar opposite.

It's saying that a Cool Wife is willing to have such a low bar and set such a low expectation for their relationship that they have no issue in their partner getting their entertainment at a stag do in the form of a lap dancer/pole dancer. It's setting the bar so low that perpetuates misogyny, men being entitled to their "bit of fun" for a few quid, and using women as a commodity for their casual entertainment, but still reaping all the benefits of a stable relationship "back home". If that isn't misogynistic I don't know what is.

Not sure it's an "alleged" slur, tbh, since it's not used as a compliment, is it?

It is definitely used to tell a woman that you think her boundaries are fucked up (the truth of that isn't always clear)

Fully agree with this but I’m sure someone will be along to tell us soon that we’re just insecure harridans who can’t handle our husbands having female friends.

No doubt, @NCHammer2022 blow their tiny minds if they knew my husband and his female friends.

YANBU

It's such a pathetic way to conduct an argument too

Plus it's always said with such a nasty twist that makes it even worse

Everyone has different boundaries, experiences, cultural influences, relationships, ages, backgrounds, etc- why is it not okay for one person to find for example strippers okay within their marriage and others not to, without the former being accused of being part of the "cool wives brigade".

Because by being OK with strippers you are giving the message to your daughters (and my daughters if you come into contact with them) that strippers are a valid use of family money; that it is a valid behaviour in a long term relationship; and that ‘sex work’ (being prostituted) is a valid ‘career’.
And you are sending your sons out to be ‘partners’ or husbands with that mindset.
Your attitude is absolutely repulsive, possibly be a you haven’t given a thought about the message it sends to others. You have to be nice about pimps and Johns because what else can you do.

In a consumerist society our purchases demonstrate our values. Those are you values, and the decent thing to do would be to own them- rather than whining “you’re being mean to me”

because I am not a cool girl, I can discuss with openness and transparency that fact that pimps and their customers are an abomination, and to be avoided at all costs. I don’t have to lie about my actions or my opinions.
Implicit in that is that husband is an abomination- correct, and I own that.

I've also seen 'cool mum' branded about this weekend, again as a slur against different parenting styles.

There is nothing cool about someone being so desperate to hang on to their man that they will put up with anything.

What do you class as putting up with anything? A partner watching porn, lap dance? These things are acceptable to some. It's not about being desperate, it's about having different boundaries.

I remember reading it in Gone Girl it was like holding up a mirror I had been that woman

I wouldn’t use the term but I certainly think it’s fits a pattern of behaviour that puts men’s need and happiness before a women’s

I suppose some women think the sex industry is exploitative, harmful and misogynistic. Women who think it's OK are complicit with the abuse of other women. I have never called anyone 'cool' as an insult, but I understand the frustration of those who use the term.

You can disagree with other posters without being nasty. It's not difficult.

Hmm not on Mumsnet.

Chucked about with Pearl clutching, Hand Maidens , Yummy Mummy.

Everyone has to be the same. Can never get over the way posters think that.

The same = the same as them

Even on threads about tree boundaries. 😂