To be sick of seeing "cool girl" or "cool wife" used as an insult

[11GrumpsaGrumping]

I have been on a few threads recently where some posters have been really quite cruel to other posters, including me, for having different boundaries and preferences than they do.

The terms "cool girl" or "cool wife" are slung at them, with the implication made (sometimes directly) that said "cool" person doesn't really do/feel/enjoy the way the say they do, and are just trying to be cool.

Everyone has different boundaries, experiences, cultural influences, relationships, ages, backgrounds, etc- why is it not okay for one person to find for example strippers okay within their marriage and others not to, without the former being accused of being part of the "cool wives brigade".

Is it really that hard for people to understand and accept that we all have different boundaries and lines in the sand?

It really makes me angry and I find it just another way in which woman choose to tear other women down, when what we need to do is support one another.

I've been called a cool wife on here because I'm happy for my DP to stay the night/s at his ex wife's house when he visits his kids. I'm more than happy that he and his ex have a good relationship because it's great for the kids to see. They are both being very mature in my eyes.

I don't have low standards or low self esteem.

WELL DONE! You have basically proven me, (and everyone who dislikes 'cool girls' and 'cool wives') to be right.

Because you assume that women who don't have anal sex, or don't want their men going to strip joints (or wanking off to porn,) or don't want him to share a hotel room with a female colleague, or wouldn't be happy with him having a hobby where he spends loads of time with a female friend, have 'boring, miserable lives.'

Utterly pathetic. And very typical of the cool wives on here, who claim they're OK with anything their man does. (As I say, I bet men LOVE being with these kind of women. They can get away with whatever they want!)

@Brefugee hit the nail on the head AGAIN. 😜(You are welcome to the compliment BTW, your posts are enjoyable to read, and make much sense...)

There is a wide spectrum between "anything goes, whatever my man wants to do is fine by me" and "he isn't allowed even to think about looking at another woman or I'll LTB" and most posters, i daresay most women, move along the central part of the sliding scale at various times and under various circumstances.

That's true. Most women are somewhere along that sliding scale. Just coz I wouldn't accept my husband sharing a hotel room with a female colleague, that doesn't mean I will beat him around the back of the legs with a rolling pin if I find out he has spent more than 30 seconds talking to Charlotte who works at the hairdressers, which is the kind of thing these insufferable 'cool wives' seem to imply.

And for the record, my DH wouldn't tolerate ME staying in a hotel room with a MALE colleague. When some women (on here) say they would be OK with this, or their DH taking up a hobby and spending a lot of time on it with a female friend, I don't believe them.

@WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps

And you're exactly the type of person this post is about

Have your boundaries

But don't state you don't believe women who have different boundaries to yours

It's really quite sad

Is sharing a hotel room with a female colleague really a thing?

WELL DONE! You have basically proven me, (and everyone who dislikes 'cool girls' and 'cool wives') to be right.

This made me laugh. reminds me of my very opinionated elderly aunt who at the end of everything she says remarks 'And it just goes to show I was right'. When it very much doesn't. Nuanced she aint.

@BeautPomiander

You’re right there is a definite lack of nuance. I think the anal sex debate is an interesting one because it refers to the poster and their preference and not their partners behaviour necessarily. ( with the right toys it could be a solo activity). I haven’t seen the current thread that’s been referenced here but I’ve seen posters attacked for stating they enjoy it. ( anti feminist etc). I seriously don’t care if other people indulge in any particular sexual practice or not but I won’t be lectured and told that any sexual
practice I choose to indulge in anti feminist. No one owns feminism. (That being said I would never start a thread about it here and expect dozens of posters to be “ you go girl - just use lube” - this isn’t the place for balanced sex advice)

I think one reason that cool girl behaviour is so apparent to feminists is that a lot of us spent our twenties doing it ourselves. I certainly did - my MO was being sassy and outspoken and smartly arsey in a way that a certain kind of man finds atractive. I had a very cool girl job. It was only when I had children that I looked around and saw that both I and all my sassy friends were somehow... doing all the shitwork. And it took most of us a while to admit that it was not a one-off, not 'just more practical' because he earns more, but broadly universal (in other words, structural, not individual, oppression) because we felt like fucking fools. Some of us never have admitted it.

WELL DONE! You have basically proven me, (and everyone who dislikes 'cool girls' and 'cool wives') to be right.

I've noticed you do always seem to be right about everything.

I do now wonder do men do this to each other?
Call other’s names when they don’t have the same views / boundaries / don’t fall in line?

Although I guess they don’t have to (at least this much) think about things like women exploiting men, doing painfull sex acts, lower their standars to women’s level etc….

Really? It’s interesting that you should say that, I always just thought that they are confident in their situation.

There is the 'pussy whipped' trope with men

You think that men even discuss this sort of thing?

You know that funny meme where the woman is tearing herself apart over her partner being distant, not responding when she said she lived him etc, and he’s wondering why his motorbike won’t start?

It’s funny because it’s true.

@TinySophie

Yeah, like I said in my comment…
Men really don’t have to worry about these kind of things.

Kind of like first date, men can’t understand why woman wouldn’t want a first meet to be at his place…
They don’t have to worry women hurting men and they don’t have a long history of the opposite sex oppressing them.

And here we are, women arguing with each other.
While men must be laughing.

I do now wonder do men do this to each other?
Call other’s names when they don’t have the same views / boundaries / don’t fall in line?

Are you serious? They’re not higher beings…. They take the piss out of each other, they hurl abuse and they fight depending on the subject. Let’s face it they can start a riot over a missed penalty.

I am ok for a one off lap dance, would not be into it on a regular basis. No way Jose.
I have no issue with my DH watching porn.
I wouldn't even TRY anal, ughh just no. Never. Ever.
If my DH came home drunk and vomited everywhere I would lose my mind and I would actually leave the house.

We all have different boundaries. I think when you are judged for either..that is when women let each other down.

Be you a "pearl clutcher" or a "pick me" girl. You are who you are and you allow what you allow.

My goalposts might be a million miles from yours but it doesn't make me uptight, repressed and frigid and nor does it make me submissive, gaslit or have no self esteem.

We are all different and that's ok.

You seem unable to see the wider picture. You being personally ok , or cool if you like, has societal implications way beyond your personal arrangements with your husband.

Are you serious? They’re not higher beings….

too bloody right 😁

I am ok with what I am ok with and that is that. You can judge me on it and it will not change how I feel nor will it make me widen or narrow the area between my own personal goalposts. You can bring in all the societal implications you like and it will not matter a jot. My boundaries are my boundaries as yours are yours.

In other words, fuck you all, I'm all right Jack.

I do now wonder do men do this to each other?Call other’s names when they don’t have the same views / boundaries / don’t fall in line?

Please read a history textbook. Twentieth century will do but you can go further back if you like.

Me and my friends refer to this as a 'gone girl'.

I have my own moral compass. There are things that get by it and there are things that absolutely do not and that includes a porn filter. Take from that what you will and judge me anyway.

Many of my girlfriends watch porn, I am not a fan of it myself and don't watch it but I do not mind if my husband watches it. When he suggests we watch together, I am not up for that...those pesky boundaries again.

So you're all right Jill and who cares about anything else. Yes I do judge you. If you were my daughter I'd be very disappointed by you and in myself.

And that is your prerogative. I won't judge you for that.

I'm just astonished at the inability of the "cool" posters to see the bigger picture. It's depressing really- "la,la,la can't hear you, can't see anything"