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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of seeing "cool girl" or "cool wife" used as an insult

313 replies

11GrumpsaGrumping · 15/08/2022 11:08

I have been on a few threads recently where some posters have been really quite cruel to other posters, including me, for having different boundaries and preferences than they do.

The terms "cool girl" or "cool wife" are slung at them, with the implication made (sometimes directly) that said "cool" person doesn't really do/feel/enjoy the way the say they do, and are just trying to be cool.

Everyone has different boundaries, experiences, cultural influences, relationships, ages, backgrounds, etc- why is it not okay for one person to find for example strippers okay within their marriage and others not to, without the former being accused of being part of the "cool wives brigade".

Is it really that hard for people to understand and accept that we all have different boundaries and lines in the sand?

It really makes me angry and I find it just another way in which woman choose to tear other women down, when what we need to do is support one another.

OP posts:
RainOnMySkin · 15/08/2022 11:11

I think YANBU and the 'cool' wives have different boundaries and expectations /standards with men. However, why should we "support one another", because we are women?

Topgub · 15/08/2022 11:12

I disagree with both cool girl as an insult and the idea that women should unilaterally support other women's choices

KilljoysDutch · 15/08/2022 11:13

YANBU it stinks of misogyny, How dare women not be a perfect imitation of one another.

Harridan1981 · 15/08/2022 11:14

I think the 'cool wife' term is more tondo with motivation than action. As in, not the mere fact that someone is cool with a behaviour from their partner, but thinks of themselves as being cooler than others because they're 'ok' with it. If that makes any sense.

So people who trumpet on about being cool with something in order to make themselves sound good

ScarlettOHaraHamiltonKennedyButler · 15/08/2022 11:14

I haven't seen this tbh but if the conversation goes something like:

OP:
"I have just found out my partner has been looking at porn and this upsets me greatly what should I do?"

reply:
"why are you so bothered I have zero issues with my partner looking at porn, you need to relax"

Then the second person is being a twat, not appreciating the OP's boundaries and perhaps deserves a not so nice response.

Plus there really are some women who will put up with anything to please their partner/DH etc. and will pretend to be fine with it. Not saying that is the case for everyone before you jump down my throat but it will be the case for some.

TrashPandas · 15/08/2022 11:15

Meh, it's only used by the insecure, paranoid, stalk-y types who check their partners' phones and scream and shout if they get within 3 feet of another woman. I can't find it in myself to care what those people think!

UglyNameChange · 15/08/2022 11:18

Nah, YABU.

It’s a good and usefull description of certain kind of women who pander to men.

It’s goob, because we have a very long history of women having to just go along with what men want / to be okey with hiw men behave / tolerate all kinds of bullshit.
It’s really good that at least some women have woken the fuck up.

If you are talking about the lap dance thread, you can perfectly see hiw many are there right now, trying to errode women’s boundaries.
That you have to be okey with a man going into a stip club, apperently women who don’t like it are now ” conservative”.

If you are confused, read the Gone Girl monologue, it’s perfect.

TinySophie · 15/08/2022 11:19

You are right. We have what some people on here would feel are “relaxed” boundaries, and I’ve seen people quite unpleasantly insulted for being OK with things which I’d view as fine.

Brefugee · 15/08/2022 11:19

YABU. I'm sick of the Cool-Girls (or Cool Wives, or I'm Not Like Other Girls/Women or Pick Me Girls/women) showing up to defend indefensible behaviour by men.

This is the internet so YMMV. But maybe you might want to think about why this shorthand is used so often.

Hobbesmanc · 15/08/2022 11:20

meh. It's just like the yummy mummies, Hand Maids, Serena Joys, Pearl Clutchers. Meaningless clichés that we use to put down women

I think it shows a lack of imagination to be honest

housemaus · 15/08/2022 11:20

The original meaning of it (as a PP has pointed out, where it's used to make an OP feel shit for their response to a situation) had a use, but you're right - now it's just used to slag off anyone who doesn't have an 'appropriately' buttoned-up response to something.

I've seen it on threads about everything from parenting choices to sexual preference to how people communicate and the message seems to be: if you do things differently to the MN general consensus, you're obviously doing so to pander to men. Which is far more regressive than they realise, I think, and just says "I don't believe women have agency".

TinySophie · 15/08/2022 11:20

UglyNameChange · 15/08/2022 11:18

Nah, YABU.

It’s a good and usefull description of certain kind of women who pander to men.

It’s goob, because we have a very long history of women having to just go along with what men want / to be okey with hiw men behave / tolerate all kinds of bullshit.
It’s really good that at least some women have woken the fuck up.

If you are talking about the lap dance thread, you can perfectly see hiw many are there right now, trying to errode women’s boundaries.
That you have to be okey with a man going into a stip club, apperently women who don’t like it are now ” conservative”.

If you are confused, read the Gone Girl monologue, it’s perfect.

Why would you think she’s confused? You’re the one struggling to understand that not everyone thinks as you do

You seem actually offended that what upsets you doesn’t upset others.

TinySophie · 15/08/2022 11:22

Brefugee · 15/08/2022 11:19

YABU. I'm sick of the Cool-Girls (or Cool Wives, or I'm Not Like Other Girls/Women or Pick Me Girls/women) showing up to defend indefensible behaviour by men.

This is the internet so YMMV. But maybe you might want to think about why this shorthand is used so often.

But there’s no need to “defend” a man against doing something that their partner thinks is fine but which you don’t.

Catriona898 · 15/08/2022 11:22

Well it's not like mumsnet generally support women who make different choices is it? There aren't many long threads that I have read recently that haven't turned into a bun fight when it comes to attitudes about sexual fidelity. Should you be able to go onto a website and say "I would be fine with my partner going to a stripper", absolutely. But it's a forum and people can and do disagree. The "cool wives" thing is annoying I agree, but not any more annoying than the many and varied insults that people use to describe women. The people saying "I wouldn't be fine with my husband going to a stripper" aren't getting unilateral support either. Getting angry about hearing about the "cool girl brigade" , while not mentioning the other, many and varied misogynistic terms to describe women is unreasonable. It seems you are only concerned with a comment that affects your lifestyle. That's not really supporting women as a whole is it?

Brefugee · 15/08/2022 11:23

But if the term is used and you aren't one of those who really do just excuse everything men do because you want men to like you - then nobody is talking to you and you can ignore it, surely?

It is an observed phenomenon, and a lot of the time older women have said "shit, i used to be an '"I'M not like other girls' because i wanted the guys to like me, and it was stupid and shitting on other women."
I wasn't going to read the lapdance thread, but i think i will now.

sunshineandstrawberryjam · 15/08/2022 11:23

It's a deeply misogynistic term that is basically used to deny women agency or the ability to make their own decisions or analysis of a situation. At this point I tend to just switch off if someone uses it and refuse to pay them any attention from that point onwards as it's such a twatty term to use.

entropynow · 15/08/2022 11:23

TrashPandas · 15/08/2022 11:15

Meh, it's only used by the insecure, paranoid, stalk-y types who check their partners' phones and scream and shout if they get within 3 feet of another woman. I can't find it in myself to care what those people think!

And this kind of thing illustrates perfectly why it's an accurate description not an insult🙄

Strawberries86 · 15/08/2022 11:23

@Brefugee has it nailed. And the other poster who commented on the motivation.
Misogynist allies is who you are and I don’t have to support you because you’re a woman. Lots of women support the patriarch, Iv every right to think they are part of the problem and challenge them appropriately.

littlepeas · 15/08/2022 11:24

It's from Gone Girl, isn't it? A big rant about the effort and work that some women put in so that they can appear 'cool' to men. That it's mostly an illusion.

If a relationship is mutually 'cool' then fair enough.

Plenty of deluded women out there though, who put up with all sorts of crap in order to hold onto a man though.

entropynow · 15/08/2022 11:25

TinySophie · 15/08/2022 11:22

But there’s no need to “defend” a man against doing something that their partner thinks is fine but which you don’t.

Show quote history

The personal is political. Because women sometimes put up with absolute shit is no reason not to call it shit.

TrashPandas · 15/08/2022 11:26

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Suprima · 15/08/2022 11:26

11GrumpsaGrumping · 15/08/2022 11:08

I have been on a few threads recently where some posters have been really quite cruel to other posters, including me, for having different boundaries and preferences than they do.

The terms "cool girl" or "cool wife" are slung at them, with the implication made (sometimes directly) that said "cool" person doesn't really do/feel/enjoy the way the say they do, and are just trying to be cool.

Everyone has different boundaries, experiences, cultural influences, relationships, ages, backgrounds, etc- why is it not okay for one person to find for example strippers okay within their marriage and others not to, without the former being accused of being part of the "cool wives brigade".

Is it really that hard for people to understand and accept that we all have different boundaries and lines in the sand?

It really makes me angry and I find it just another way in which woman choose to tear other women down, when what we need to do is support one another.

lol absolutely not

feminism isn’t supporting other women’s shitty choices, stances or opinions

keep your lapdance loving husbands- thank christ I’m not in your boat 😂

entropynow · 15/08/2022 11:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

100 pc wrong, but I'm sure it's immensely comforting for you to pretend that's true.

Sunnyqueen · 15/08/2022 11:30

There is a massive difference between being a pick me girl and pick me behaviours and being cool. Some women are so uptight they can't tell the difference.

NellyNothing · 15/08/2022 11:30

YABU and yanbu - the phrase is unkind and only twats would call someone that. However there is nothing wrong with kindly pointing out that you shouldn't pander to someone.

You can disagree with other posters without being nasty. It's not difficult.