To be sick of seeing "cool girl" or "cool wife" used as an insult

[11GrumpsaGrumping]

I have been on a few threads recently where some posters have been really quite cruel to other posters, including me, for having different boundaries and preferences than they do.

The terms "cool girl" or "cool wife" are slung at them, with the implication made (sometimes directly) that said "cool" person doesn't really do/feel/enjoy the way the say they do, and are just trying to be cool.

Everyone has different boundaries, experiences, cultural influences, relationships, ages, backgrounds, etc- why is it not okay for one person to find for example strippers okay within their marriage and others not to, without the former being accused of being part of the "cool wives brigade".

Is it really that hard for people to understand and accept that we all have different boundaries and lines in the sand?

It really makes me angry and I find it just another way in which woman choose to tear other women down, when what we need to do is support one another.

Great Post- I wholeheartedly agree

@djdkdkddkek I must admit that the ‘cool girl’ monologue in Gone Girl was a bit of a lightbulb moment for me, personally. As a younger women, I had often bitten my tongue, blurred my own boundaries and put up with a lot of shit so that men would like me.

But I’m not suggesting that all women who have different boundaries to me are in that same boat. I suspect some are, but I’m not inside other people’s heads so I can’t presume to know what’s really going on there.

It’s increasingly used here as a way to shut down other opinions. It’s lazy, reductionist shit. It requires an unthinking, obedient conformity with a particular set of views being espoused. I read it and think ‘idiot’.

Yes, this is exactly it. There is a certain type of Mumsnetter who thinks anyone who doesn't feel the same way as them about certain things must somehow be brainwashed by the patriarchy. It's incredibly patronising and it reeks of internalised misogyny.

There have been literally no personal attacks against you. There was a very disingenuous description of the other thread, and then you being upset when you were politely corrected.It is exactly as described; the people saying they enjoyed it were responding to a poster categorically stating that no-one did.

It’s increasingly used here as a way to shut down other opinions. It’s lazy, reductionist shit. It requires an unthinking, obedient conformity with a particular set of views being espoused. I read it and think ‘idiot’.

Yep like all the other monikers.

It’s like everything else we see (such as narcissist, gaslighting) where it has an actual meaning but people start throwing it around everywhere instead.

@NCHammer2022 Good post.

I'm 48 today ! I feel a bit confused ... so if you're calling someone a "cool girl" it means you're basically saying they're a anything goes type who doesn't mind their partner going to strip clubs, not being at home to help with the kids at night , into porn , drinks a pint sort of thing ?
Is that also like a "pick me" who will do anything to keep / get the partner despite not being
Comfortable ?
So if say I would be angry my man is spending all weekend in the pub not helping at home that would make me a "uncool wife "
Wtaf

I haven't noticed that.

Really @11GrumpsaGrumping ? You've never seen posters who are fine with porn telling women who are not that they are just uncool, pearl clutchers? You've even admitted you've seen the term Pearl Clutcher used against other posters, I fear you are being deliberately disingenuous.

You said this:

Is it really that hard for people to understand and accept that we all have different boundaries and lines in the sand?

and can't seem to see the glaring irony in that statement when those whose boundaries encompass porn and strippers attempt to shame posters who don't into accepting their view by insulting and dismissing them.

Happy Birthday @foxlover47!

I think it’s gender stereotyping. You can’t honestly like football? You’re just pretending to appease your man and be seen as a ‘cool girl’ I think it’s quite regressive actually.

It’s increasingly used here as a way to shut down other opinions.

I agree.

The same women also say the views are misogynistic to try and shut you down and make you feel ashamed for not being a good enough women.
When actually its misogynistic to think women should all have the same boundaries.

I’m not a fan of other terms that are thrown around either and I think they’re too overused but things like ‘pearl clutcher’ just means you’re a bit uptight whereas ‘cool wife’ means you basically have no boundaries and let your partner walk all over you, which is really offensive.

I agree with PPs that have said they’ve been called a cool wife and prude multiple times, depending on what boundary it is and what poster replies.
So as PPs have said these terms are never helpful.

@waterlego thank you :) x

I’ve never seen it used against a woman who likes football. I agree it’s ridiculous in that context.

It is less ridiculous when it’s used against a woman who appears to accept all manner of bad behaviour from her partner.

There are some women on Mumsnet who seem to think that you are some sort of 'Cool Wife' who desperately wants men to like her if:

You don't hate porn
You don't mind your partner having female friends
You don't think it's a big deal if your partner goes to a strip club
You share your partner's keen interest in football
You don't expect your partner to keep in constant contact with you on a stag weekend

Never seen the football one and of course husbandd can have female friends.

However I personally think porn , strip clubs , the "sex industry" harms all women. I won't call women who think these are fun / "empowering" "a choice" , insert cliché of choice -"cool girls".

I will however criticise such misguided and dangerous views and certainly won't support women who hold these views just because they are women.

I used to be a very'cool wife' 100% not bothered about female friends, would have said porn didn't bother me etc

However at 60 I'm afraid I'm not so cool these days simply because I myself and friends too have been on the receiving end of some behaviour from men and husbands that was upsetting, unkind and downright disrespectful - and from men you would least expect it from too- consequently I'm far more cynical of certain behaviours because I have far more to lose in life materially than when I was far 'cooler'

In my case age and experience has changed my view.

I also think it's fine to have your own boundaries that are different to mine, but not to belittle those boundaries.

I agree with your point about excepting bad behaviour. I thought the ‘cool girl’ trope was coined in the Gone Girl book, which just seemed to be taking a swipe at women who drink beer and other things society deems ‘male’. I’ve probably got the wrong end of the stick though, I often do 😂

Reducing it to liking football is a very easy way of trying to sweep the whole concept under a rug. It’s minimising it without actually engaging in the topic.

Yes it’s true many women will pretend they are fine with various personal issues because thei don’t want to alienate themselves from men and also want to be seen as so much more englightened than other women

it’s not just about supposedly enjoying football and I think we all know that

Accepting* I’m not that dense I promise 🥴

Reducing it to liking football is a very easy way of trying to sweep the whole concept under a rug. It’s minimising it without actually engaging in the topic.

I wasn’t actively trying to reduce it, see my comment above. I think I’ve misunderstood the meaning.

I think it’s gender stereotyping. You can’t honestly like football? You’re just pretending to appease your man and be seen as a ‘cool girl’ I think it’s quite regressive actually.

that is not correct use of the term Cool Girl though and would be roundly laughed at (I like football, i love beer, i love heavy metal and so on. I am not a cool girl because i don't insist that women who don't like that are stupid, type of thing)

Cool Girl (Cool Wifes) is a good shorthand to describe something that takes a couple of paragraphs, in 2 words.

And seeing it next to "Karen" up there has made me think a bit more about it. Because while i understand what "Karen" is shorthand for - i am very much against it being used, since while i know the origin is that it's about entitled white women especially shitting on black staff in shops, now it is used in an ageist and sexist and a way to put down women who have boundaries. So while i don't use Cool Wife often, i think i won't be using it again.

I've only seen the phrase used on MN, and I've only seen it used on threads where the OP has asked if they're UR for being upset with their partners behaviour.

It's usually along the lines of:
AIBU to be upset that DP went to a strip club?
Several posters saying no, that would be a deal breaker for me.
Some posters saying they'd have problem with it, it isn't cheating, so the OP should relax.
Those posters then get called "cool wives" etc

In that context, I'm ok with it being used. You don't get to imply that someone else's boundaries are wrong, then get huffy when your own get challenged.

Fact is, neither boundary is wrong. They're personal.

@SunnyD44

Do you think mysoginy doesn't exist? Or sexism?

When a poster says they are unhappy with their partners use of porn or prostitutes or visiting strip clubs or having lap dances or wanting anal sex or rough sex which the poster doesn't want/enjoy exactly what is the point of other posters coming on and saying how happy they personally are with any or all of the above and perhaps the poster complaining should stop being such a prude?

Frankly posters who do that are just bragging/showing off and wanting adulation for being so, um cool, enlightened, not like those stuffy vanilla pearl clutchy types. They make the thread about them and their preferences/boundaries and dismiss the poster's preferences/boundaries out of hand - that is my issue. I'm not interested in their preferences or boundaries I'm interested in supporting the poster in upholding their boundaries and preferences and not being shamed or ridiculed for doing so.