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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely furious about this and drop DSS off at her house anyway?

934 replies

CottonCandy11 · 15/08/2022 07:04

It's me, DH, our son and my DSS who is 9. He's a lovely kid this is nothing to do with him personally but his mother.

He was due to go back to his mum's last night after being with us the previous 3 nights. She rang in the day and asked if he could stay another night as she had been invited out to something.

My husband asked me as he had to start work very early this morning (travelling down south so had to set off at 4am).

I said yes on the very strict proviso she comes to get him at 8am as I have a day out planned.

My son is 4 and I've planned a mother / son day out. Booked tickets for something and am really looking forward to just spending some fun downtime with him on our own. He's been poorly recently too and just got better last week so it's a nice treat for him (and me!).

Anyway, DH has just rang me saying she's messaged him saying sorry she won't be here for 8 as she ended up staying out so won't be home yet until about 11.

I'm so angry. I know her partner is at home (they have a baby so he's been in with their DC) and I know DSS has a key if he's still asleep. I'm seriously minded to go and drop him off with her partner. She'll be furious but I literally couldn't give a shit about what she thinks now, she cares about no one else whatsoever. It's always been the same, hers are the only plans that matter.

But I'm not missing my day with my son, I've been looking forward to it and I'm not having him and me miss out because she wanted to go on a piss up last night and didn't get home.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 16/08/2022 11:11

Not sure what point you are struggling to make @Endlesslypatient82?

You are happy with your family set-up. That's great.
What makes you think your opinion of stepfamilies makes any difference to everybody else's chosen family life?

Endlesslypatient82 · 16/08/2022 11:12

And I hold my hands up…. My children are head and shoulders above anyone and everyone in terms of where my love is directed.

it would be nothing short of selfish for me to be a SM knowing that someone else’s children living me would be never come close to what I would do for my own children

Mississipi71 · 16/08/2022 11:12

Sharrowgirl · 15/08/2022 07:08

Do it but I’d be concerned about making your DSS feel unwanted by the adults in his life. You’ll need to manage that.

I agree with that. Poor kid is in the middle.

Mississipi71 · 16/08/2022 11:15

Endlesslypatient82 · 16/08/2022 11:03

The idea of living with, holidaying with, sharing a bathroom with and so much other stuff with children other than my own is utterly and completely unappealing on every level! I can’t fathom why anyone would want to.

And I would be awful as a SM. My children would get my last Rolo every time.

Insular way of thinking.

YouDoYouHun · 16/08/2022 11:19

LydiaDeets · 15/08/2022 09:14

I don't know why but the reluctance she has for her partner to be alone with her son is worrying me greatly 😞

Exactly this. Not sure why more people haven't picked up on it

Yousee · 16/08/2022 11:20

To be fair, it's a very poor mother indeed who would say that anyone comes close to her children in terms of where her ultimate priority lies, in my opinion.
That said, I'll still be teaching my sons to take turns with their (half) sister for my last Rolo as I'll be bringing them up to value and love their sister and not be entitled little dicks.
I love them far too much to do anything less.

HailAdrian · 16/08/2022 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Very original. Anyone who doesn't agree with you must be male. Very cutting.

HailAdrian · 16/08/2022 11:23

YouDoYouHun · 16/08/2022 11:19

Exactly this. Not sure why more people haven't picked up on it

Show quote history

Agreed. What a great chap he sounds.

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 16/08/2022 11:25

@YouDoYouHun it was, much earlier in the thread and dealt with by later ops posts. There is no safeguarding issue or anything of that nature. That's not the issue here and @Mississipi71 so has your point..the kid has two homes that he goes between. He went back to mums as planned. That's literally it, he wasn't in the middle of anything.

KettrickenSmiled · 16/08/2022 11:26

YouDoYouHun · 16/08/2022 11:19

Exactly this. Not sure why more people haven't picked up on it

Show quote history

Loads of PP have picked up on it.

Most reckon that she's also taken the piss out of her partner's time, & he has had enough of it. Or that she lied to him about when she was coming home as well as to her Ex.

Original poster
CottonCandy11 · 16/08/2022 11:27

To be honest Endlessly, I do agree now I've had DS. I didn't think of it the same way before he was born, now I've had him though and understand just how vastly different the relationship is between step child and my own child, I wouldn't do it ever again if me and DH split.

OP posts:
LindaEllen · 16/08/2022 11:29

Sharrowgirl · 15/08/2022 07:08

Do it but I’d be concerned about making your DSS feel unwanted by the adults in his life. You’ll need to manage that.

Nah. His PARENTS need to manage that, and his MOTHER needs to manage it by picking him up when she says she will, rather than making stupid excuses.

Endlesslypatient82 · 16/08/2022 11:35

@KettrickenSmiled
out of pure nosiness, I know you have 27 years of SP experience but do you have any children yourself?

FOJN · 16/08/2022 11:35

She did but that is literally all we know. I'm not sure it's ok to be criticising someone so harshly based on this one thing. She could be going through anything.

Well she could but maybe she's just an irresponsible pisstaker.
Ex has form for messing OP's husband around with contact time. OP and husband should have stepson 50% of the time but its often more because of one thing and another going on with child's mum. If the mum had a record of total reliability then I don't think this thread would have been posted.

OP is being judged for putting her child before her step sons mother which is unreasonable.

Endlesslypatient82 · 16/08/2022 11:37

CottonCandy11 · 16/08/2022 11:27

To be honest Endlessly, I do agree now I've had DS. I didn't think of it the same way before he was born, now I've had him though and understand just how vastly different the relationship is between step child and my own child, I wouldn't do it ever again if me and DH split.

I really feel for you Op

it honestly makes me shudder to think about it.

For what it is worth, I love being a single parent. Tough but lovely In many many respects

Endlesslypatient82 · 16/08/2022 11:38

Although brace yourself Op

@KettrickenSmiled thinks it means we have we have limited capacity for love

(although yes I do, for other kids!)

Endlesslypatient82 · 16/08/2022 11:39

Oh and op @Mississipi71 thinks we have an “insular” way of thinking 😂

Dalaidramailama · 16/08/2022 11:40

@Endlesslypatient82

I have zero capacity to love other peoples kids. Zilch.

I’m too busy loving my own kids not bringing up other peoples mistakes.

Endlesslypatient82 · 16/08/2022 11:40

Oh and op @Mississipi71 thinks we have an “insular” way of thinking 😂

HailAdrian · 16/08/2022 11:41

FOJN · 16/08/2022 11:35

She did but that is literally all we know. I'm not sure it's ok to be criticising someone so harshly based on this one thing. She could be going through anything.

Well she could but maybe she's just an irresponsible pisstaker.
Ex has form for messing OP's husband around with contact time. OP and husband should have stepson 50% of the time but its often more because of one thing and another going on with child's mum. If the mum had a record of total reliability then I don't think this thread would have been posted.

OP is being judged for putting her child before her step sons mother which is unreasonable.

I wouldn't disagree for a moment that OP has done nothing wrong. In my eyes, that doesn't mean everyone should be lining up to call her partner's ex a shit mum, etc. She could very well be struggling and maybe the fathers of her kids should be doing more. Again, speculation.

LetHimHaveIt · 16/08/2022 11:42

'She could be going through anything.'

She is going through something. She's navigating the murky waters of being a cheeky fucking mare.

Asking for an additional night at the eleventh hour was low/medium level CF'ery. Attempting to then push back the collection time from 8am to 11 am was very fucking cheeky. Telling OP that having him back at all was now going to be a problem and could she not just take him with her own DS on her planned day out? No longer cheeky. Fucking outrageous entitlement.

Endlesslypatient82 · 16/08/2022 11:43

Dalaidramailama · 16/08/2022 11:40

@Endlesslypatient82

I have zero capacity to love other peoples kids. Zilch.

I’m too busy loving my own kids not bringing up other peoples mistakes.

Agreed

But even if the SC in question has a wonderful mother and is a wonderful child, I still could never ever muster even close to the love and interest I have in my own.

It’s not a “pretty” view but it is my truth!

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 16/08/2022 11:44

@HailAdrian the op and her DH have the lad 50/50, sometimes more. What else would you like? Why are you so desperate for the ex not to be at fault here?

aSofaNearYou · 16/08/2022 11:46

I wouldn't disagree for a moment that OP has done nothing wrong. In my eyes, that doesn't mean everyone should be lining up to call her partner's ex a shit mum, etc. She could very well be struggling and maybe the fathers of her kids should be doing more. Again, speculation.

But that's MORE speculation than criticising the ex is speculation. Because what is definitely happening is that she is being a CF right now.

HailAdrian · 16/08/2022 11:46

LetHimHaveIt · 16/08/2022 11:42

'She could be going through anything.'

She is going through something. She's navigating the murky waters of being a cheeky fucking mare.

Asking for an additional night at the eleventh hour was low/medium level CF'ery. Attempting to then push back the collection time from 8am to 11 am was very fucking cheeky. Telling OP that having him back at all was now going to be a problem and could she not just take him with her own DS on her planned day out? No longer cheeky. Fucking outrageous entitlement.

So if this is happening frequently, why is the man she shares a child with not thinking 'what can be done to resolve this issue?' Maybe he will now.