Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely furious about this and drop DSS off at her house anyway?

934 replies

CottonCandy11 · 15/08/2022 07:04

It's me, DH, our son and my DSS who is 9. He's a lovely kid this is nothing to do with him personally but his mother.

He was due to go back to his mum's last night after being with us the previous 3 nights. She rang in the day and asked if he could stay another night as she had been invited out to something.

My husband asked me as he had to start work very early this morning (travelling down south so had to set off at 4am).

I said yes on the very strict proviso she comes to get him at 8am as I have a day out planned.

My son is 4 and I've planned a mother / son day out. Booked tickets for something and am really looking forward to just spending some fun downtime with him on our own. He's been poorly recently too and just got better last week so it's a nice treat for him (and me!).

Anyway, DH has just rang me saying she's messaged him saying sorry she won't be here for 8 as she ended up staying out so won't be home yet until about 11.

I'm so angry. I know her partner is at home (they have a baby so he's been in with their DC) and I know DSS has a key if he's still asleep. I'm seriously minded to go and drop him off with her partner. She'll be furious but I literally couldn't give a shit about what she thinks now, she cares about no one else whatsoever. It's always been the same, hers are the only plans that matter.

But I'm not missing my day with my son, I've been looking forward to it and I'm not having him and me miss out because she wanted to go on a piss up last night and didn't get home.

OP posts:
bathsh3ba · 16/08/2022 09:53

My boyfriend and his ex have 50-50 care of their son. They have done since he was 3, so it's pretty much all he remembers. He's now 8. He hates the shared care. He doesn't like going between houses all the time, feels he doesn't have a 'proper home' and has said so but there's a court order so that's what happens.

This is in a situation where both parents do keep to their side of the bargain when it comes to days and drop off/pick up times, there is rarely deviation and when there is, it is the other parent who picks it up not me or the ex's partner. This little boy knows he's loved by both his parents but he still struggles with the two houses thing.

I imagine it must be so much worse where the 'plan' isn't stuck to and the kid gets passed around even more.

I have to say I'm glad my ex doesn't have 50-50 shared care. I wish he had more of a relationship with our kids than he does, and saw them more often, but at least my kids are settled and happy with me. Shared care seems to create so many issues.

whumpthereitis · 16/08/2022 09:53

KettrickenSmiled · 16/08/2022 09:35

Were you Head Girl at school @Emilylp?

Because your entire, finger-wagging, patronising little homily is so unnecessary to a woman who has successfully step & co-parented with her DH for years.

This is the real corker though -
DSS may not have been aware of the outing you had planned but kids are smart and know when their not wanted - being packed up and dropped back to mums as soon as he had breakfast - probably didn't feel great.

What are you on about - not wanted?
DSS knew, from the previous day, that he was going to be going home to his mum's at 8am.
The only thing that changed for him was that instead of his mum picking his up, OP dropped him home.

You have really twisted yourself into a pretzel trying to find something to blame OP for & lecture her about, but that nasty little piece of projection doesn't even make any sense. Especially the emotive "being packed up" - of course he was packed up! - he knew he was due to go home at 8am!

Show quote history

It was the patronising ‘you’re amazing, it must be sooooo hard for you! Now step up even harder and be an amazing stepmum!’ for me, framing it likes it’s an attractive proposition that’s preferable to chewing one’s own arm off.

not like OP hasn’t continuously stepped up or anything. No, apparently Emily has detected some levels of elevation in OP’s person, thus she must be encouraged to flatten herself completely.

Admiral Ackbar covered this one.

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 16/08/2022 10:08

@Liz1tummypain unless you know THIS child you are not quoting the words of one who has been in this position. There are a million different scenarios in which a child may feel unwanted, in the way or an inconvenience. This isn't one of them. The only one who is treating this child like that is it's mother, not the OP who is following the arrangements originally put in place. The op had said they do lots with their stepson, have him more than 50/50 and there was no drama or in fact awareness from him at all about any of it. As far as he knew, it was just a regular back and forth.

KyaClark · 16/08/2022 10:18

CottonCandy11 · 16/08/2022 08:53

Her partner probably has work/errands etc to do as it was Monday and can't be responsible for the 9 year old. At 8.30 am it's perfectly feasible he was about to leave for work/drop the baby at child care

From the snippets DH has told me I think this was the case so it's probably caused a bit of an issue at hers.

PPs saying I wasn't doing her a favour, I was doing DH a favour, I don't get that. It always gets said on these threads. Of course I was doing her a favour, she was the only one who benefitted from us having DSS another night so she could go out during what was supposed to be her time with her son. My husband would have had to say no due to working so early yesterday if it weren't for me and she'd not have been able to go anywhere so yes it was a favour to her not him.

For those asking we have DSS 50:50. 3 nights one week, 4 the next although it quite often ends up 4 nights both weeks due to some reason or another from her side. Which we never complain about until she takes the utter piss.

I'm not going to feel guilty about wanting a day with my son. I care for DSS but it's not the same relationship and it would have changed the day. Asking what I'd do with a biological child is irrelevant because that's not the situation.

Anyway don't really know what else has happened as I've told DH I'm not interested. I think there has been a bit of back and forth between them and she's in trouble from her DP by the sounds of it but I really don't care.

But, but, but we want to know!

🤣

HailAdrian · 16/08/2022 10:29

Hmm one thing I've taken from this thread is that lots of you see yourselves as feminists but only when women are behaving as you think they should. We know very little about her but we've decided ex = villain of the story. And no, I'm not the ex, before someone very witty and hilarious asks.

KettrickenSmiled · 16/08/2022 10:36

HailAdrian · 16/08/2022 10:29

Hmm one thing I've taken from this thread is that lots of you see yourselves as feminists but only when women are behaving as you think they should. We know very little about her but we've decided ex = villain of the story. And no, I'm not the ex, before someone very witty and hilarious asks.

Not sure how you have arrived at that contorted & non-evidenced theory, but DO feel free to keep mansplaining feminism to women @HailAdrian.

It will go SO well for you 😂

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 16/08/2022 10:37

Well we can ever go by what the op tells us so what we have is ex asks a favour, is granted it on condition x which she then breaks. The op has to deal with it rather than the DH because he had already left for work, which would not have been an issue under the original agreement. Who else is meant to be the "villein" here? Not sure what it has to do with feminism really?

HailAdrian · 16/08/2022 10:38

KettrickenSmiled · 16/08/2022 10:36

Not sure how you have arrived at that contorted & non-evidenced theory, but DO feel free to keep mansplaining feminism to women @HailAdrian.

It will go SO well for you 😂

Show quote history

Really, I'm totally going for the faux naivety there. Very convincing. It's great to bash strangers online, isn't it!? 😄

Countdown2023 · 16/08/2022 10:39

Some people just do not understand boundaries when it comes to childcare and keep pushing them. MN is littered with threads about CF and this is one of them.

well done @CottonCandy11

HailAdrian · 16/08/2022 10:40

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 16/08/2022 10:37

Well we can ever go by what the op tells us so what we have is ex asks a favour, is granted it on condition x which she then breaks. The op has to deal with it rather than the DH because he had already left for work, which would not have been an issue under the original agreement. Who else is meant to be the "villein" here? Not sure what it has to do with feminism really?

Neither did i until people started announcing that women were sick of this, etc.

FOJN · 16/08/2022 10:45

We know very little about her but we've decided ex = villain of the story.

I wouldn't use the word villain but who else is responsible here? Ex asked for a favour, favour was granted with the agreement ex would pick up at 8am, an hour before pick up she changed that to 11am even though the step dad was at home with their youngest child.

Who fucked up here?

HailAdrian · 16/08/2022 10:45

I've said nothing untrue either, this thread is basically "go OP, you're a LEGEND" and "let's all slag this unknown woman off on mumsnet even though we know virtually nothing about her."

HailAdrian · 16/08/2022 10:47

FOJN · 16/08/2022 10:45

We know very little about her but we've decided ex = villain of the story.

I wouldn't use the word villain but who else is responsible here? Ex asked for a favour, favour was granted with the agreement ex would pick up at 8am, an hour before pick up she changed that to 11am even though the step dad was at home with their youngest child.

Who fucked up here?

She did but that is literally all we know. I'm not sure it's ok to be criticising someone so harshly based on this one thing. She could be going through anything.

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 16/08/2022 10:52

And could equally well be having a good old night out, on the lash and went a bit further than intended which is absolutely fine, you go girl, no problem at all UNTIL she makes it the OPs problem. The op said she'd asked for the extra night because she'd been invited out and then added on the extra time as she'd "stayed out". By far the most likely scenario is the one stated above. The ex is getting a pasting really in response to those who seem determined to make the op the villain for not dropping everything and rearranging her plans, which is entirely unnecessary.

Countdown2023 · 16/08/2022 10:53

And now the thread is about to be derailed

KettrickenSmiled · 16/08/2022 10:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Endlesslypatient82 · 16/08/2022 11:01

Went out for dinner last night with 4 local friends. I’m a single parent and one other. Neither of us in relationships but both have and would date in further

We were discussing dating / relationships / single parenting. And mumsnet cropped up. 4 of the 5 of us regularly “drop in” and so aware of all the SM threads.

and the consensus was that if any friend ever was considering blessings families with a man with children… we would simply point them in the direction of the SM threads on mumsnet and leave it at that.

Shit show. Every thread. And every thread leaves me thinking - bloody hell that sounds depressing for everyone involved, especially and most depressingly, the children involved.

Endlesslypatient82 · 16/08/2022 11:03

The idea of living with, holidaying with, sharing a bathroom with and so much other stuff with children other than my own is utterly and completely unappealing on every level! I can’t fathom why anyone would want to.

And I would be awful as a SM. My children would get my last Rolo every time.

KettrickenSmiled · 16/08/2022 11:05

Shit show. Every thread.

Yeah because people in happy, functional blended families don't start threads asking for advice on a parenting forum.

Have you heard of confirmation bias, @Endlesslypatient82?

Endlesslypatient82 · 16/08/2022 11:05

Blessings should read blending

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 16/08/2022 11:06

I don't think it's necessarily blending / step stuff that causes the issues but just the fact of split parenting. It will necessitate back and forth, it will necessitate glitches and tension because life is messy. Blending just adds a layer of complication and is why I won't do it. In a great long term relationship but not blending ever. And yes, @HailAdrian mansplaining feminism on p29 of a thread ..do jog on.

KnockedInn · 16/08/2022 11:06

CottonCandy11 · 15/08/2022 12:31

Don't know if DH has spoken to her more, I've told him I don't want to know.

C'mon, we're in it this deep, and so are you. I think we all want to hear about the grand finale. Haha

Please find out what happened when she finally got home, and spill the tea. (aka: share the info)

Inquiring minds want to know. 🤣🤣

KettrickenSmiled · 16/08/2022 11:08

Endlesslypatient82 · 16/08/2022 11:03

The idea of living with, holidaying with, sharing a bathroom with and so much other stuff with children other than my own is utterly and completely unappealing on every level! I can’t fathom why anyone would want to.

And I would be awful as a SM. My children would get my last Rolo every time.

Which is a commentary on YOUR ability to share & love.
Other people, & other families, are not you, & most manage just fine.

Endlesslypatient82 · 16/08/2022 11:09

Tbh

every thread could be like the Brady Bunch and I would still be scratching my head in bafflement at the thought of sharing my life with children other than my own.
Especially as given the fact right now my teen daughter is sprawled on sofa with just her pants and bra on. It would impact their hone life so much too.

Endlesslypatient82 · 16/08/2022 11:10

KettrickenSmiled · 16/08/2022 11:08

Which is a commentary on YOUR ability to share & love.
Other people, & other families, are not you, & most manage just fine.

Show quote history

Love

is very very different to live with

Swipe left for the next trending thread