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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely furious about this and drop DSS off at her house anyway?

934 replies

CottonCandy11 · 15/08/2022 07:04

It's me, DH, our son and my DSS who is 9. He's a lovely kid this is nothing to do with him personally but his mother.

He was due to go back to his mum's last night after being with us the previous 3 nights. She rang in the day and asked if he could stay another night as she had been invited out to something.

My husband asked me as he had to start work very early this morning (travelling down south so had to set off at 4am).

I said yes on the very strict proviso she comes to get him at 8am as I have a day out planned.

My son is 4 and I've planned a mother / son day out. Booked tickets for something and am really looking forward to just spending some fun downtime with him on our own. He's been poorly recently too and just got better last week so it's a nice treat for him (and me!).

Anyway, DH has just rang me saying she's messaged him saying sorry she won't be here for 8 as she ended up staying out so won't be home yet until about 11.

I'm so angry. I know her partner is at home (they have a baby so he's been in with their DC) and I know DSS has a key if he's still asleep. I'm seriously minded to go and drop him off with her partner. She'll be furious but I literally couldn't give a shit about what she thinks now, she cares about no one else whatsoever. It's always been the same, hers are the only plans that matter.

But I'm not missing my day with my son, I've been looking forward to it and I'm not having him and me miss out because she wanted to go on a piss up last night and didn't get home.

OP posts:
Dibbydoos · 16/08/2022 11:47

Hope you decided to drop him off. That's it now too, she's blown any future favours and be clearing her about it too. What a CF.

aSofaNearYou · 16/08/2022 11:49

So if this is happening frequently, why is the man she shares a child with not thinking 'what can be done to resolve this issue?' Maybe he will now.

FFS why are you so determined that he be the one that is responsible for her wrongdoings?

HailAdrian · 16/08/2022 11:51

aSofaNearYou · 16/08/2022 11:46

I wouldn't disagree for a moment that OP has done nothing wrong. In my eyes, that doesn't mean everyone should be lining up to call her partner's ex a shit mum, etc. She could very well be struggling and maybe the fathers of her kids should be doing more. Again, speculation.

But that's MORE speculation than criticising the ex is speculation. Because what is definitely happening is that she is being a CF right now.

She's also allegedly going out, drinking too much and staying out all night when she has a baby at home and a little boy to be there for. It's not a massive reach to suggest she might be finding things difficult.

HailAdrian · 16/08/2022 11:54

aSofaNearYou · 16/08/2022 11:49

So if this is happening frequently, why is the man she shares a child with not thinking 'what can be done to resolve this issue?' Maybe he will now.

FFS why are you so determined that he be the one that is responsible for her wrongdoings?

Because his kid should be his priority, no matter how wrong she is.

FOJN · 16/08/2022 11:54

She could very well be struggling and maybe the fathers of her kids should be doing more.

The father (and the OP) of the child in this thread has his son 4 days most weeks, instead of 3 one week and 4 the next because the mum always seems to have one issue or another. The father of her second child was at home looking after his child whilst mum went out for the night and stayed out all night, there's no reason why she shouldn't do that. Sounds like the father's are doing their bit.

She should have been home to collect eldest child and look after youngest child so his dad could go to work but she wasn't. Given the history of unreliability I have no problem saying she's selfish and unreliable, neither of which are great traits in a parent or conducive to harmonious co-parenting arrangements.

The OP does not become responsible for picking up all the slack no matter what the reason for this mums piss taking unreliability.

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 16/08/2022 11:55

Yeah I think it is actually. Going for a big night out when there is another responsible adult at home is not a sign of a problem. People don't stop enjoying themselves when they become parents, you just can't overdo it and expect everyone else to sort it for you. That's just coming or garden piss taking.

KnockedInn · 16/08/2022 11:57

Sounds like your DH could get full custody of his son if the boy's mother is unfit. And the woman with the hangovers, who disappears overnight and can't be there to pick up her son when she's supposed to, would be out of your hair. Especially if she's uncomfortable with her son being left alone with her partner. He has his own baby with her now. Just like you do with him. But he seems less interested in the extra kid than you do.

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 16/08/2022 11:58

@HailAdrian he has the child more than 50/50 and had to leave for work at 4am which only became a problem when the ex changed the arrangements 3 hours later. But yes, absolutely, let's blame the man because otherwise we're not feminists....or something 🙄

KettrickenSmiled · 16/08/2022 11:58

Endlesslypatient82 · 16/08/2022 11:35

@KettrickenSmiled
out of pure nosiness, I know you have 27 years of SP experience but do you have any children yourself?

37, & yes @Endlesslypatient82

HailAdrian · 16/08/2022 11:58

KnockedInn · 16/08/2022 11:57

Sounds like your DH could get full custody of his son if the boy's mother is unfit. And the woman with the hangovers, who disappears overnight and can't be there to pick up her son when she's supposed to, would be out of your hair. Especially if she's uncomfortable with her son being left alone with her partner. He has his own baby with her now. Just like you do with him. But he seems less interested in the extra kid than you do.

Agree with this.

HailAdrian · 16/08/2022 12:00

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 16/08/2022 12:00

@KnockedInn oh bugger off..if you read all of the ops post there is literally nothing to suggest she is uninterested in this lad. Why do these threads always end up dissolving into pre-rehearsed rants from various perspectives instead of actually reading and responding to the specific op?

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 16/08/2022 12:02

@HailAdrian what would you like? That he becomes RP and she sees the kid 4/26 days? Like loads of "fathers"? And you think that wouldn't result in a load of shouting that she's been robbed of her child? Exactly what, in your made up scenario of this woman struggling with parenthood do you think would be right?

KnockedInn · 16/08/2022 12:14

Somebody needs to calm down before they have a stroke. We're all just outsiders looking in after all.
And both step parents do enjoy their one-on-one time with their own children. But the op can better handle being alone with the extra kid. My suggestion was for the op. Not for someone else with an opinion that differs, to lose their mind over.

aSofaNearYou · 16/08/2022 12:19

Wow, 50/50, dad of the year.

What is your problem? He's done absolutely nothing wrong here and yet you are sarcastically dismissing him whilst defending the one person who HAS done something to let their child down until your dying breath.

It's coming across as really ridiculous.

MeridianB · 16/08/2022 12:31

aSofaNearYou · 16/08/2022 12:19

Wow, 50/50, dad of the year.

What is your problem? He's done absolutely nothing wrong here and yet you are sarcastically dismissing him whilst defending the one person who HAS done something to let their child down until your dying breath.

It's coming across as really ridiculous.

@HailAdrian is clearly the mother.

whumpthereitis · 16/08/2022 12:32

HailAdrian · 16/08/2022 10:38

Really, I'm totally going for the faux naivety there. Very convincing. It's great to bash strangers online, isn't it!? 😄

Show quote history

LOL. Have you read ANY thread on here before? 9/10 they involve ‘slagging off’ a stranger.

Speaking of faux naïveté…

HailAdrian · 16/08/2022 12:33

ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat · 16/08/2022 12:02

@HailAdrian what would you like? That he becomes RP and she sees the kid 4/26 days? Like loads of "fathers"? And you think that wouldn't result in a load of shouting that she's been robbed of her child? Exactly what, in your made up scenario of this woman struggling with parenthood do you think would be right?

The whole bloody thread is made up. All sorts of assumptions going on. If I had 50/50 care of my kid and their other parent was constantly asking me to have them more, too right I'd be looking at making it permanent. Kid probably doesn't know if he's coming or going ffs.

Marotte · 16/08/2022 12:36

On the one hand, you are not being at all unreasonable to be very annoyed at the way this women behaves and views your role in the co-parenting set-up and arguably, dropping him off at the family unit where he spends most of his time, with his stepfather (who has childcare experience because they have a baby) isn't unreasonable. With caveats others have given.

On the other hand, there is a clearly a very strange set-up at your stepson's main residence and there are a lot of risks there to how this little boy feels and will develop at the very least, and whether he will feel able to come to you or even to ask to live with you if he needs to later. He is part of your family all the time, not only on contact hours, because you have chosen to be with and have another child with his father.

So I would recommend taking him on this day out, always making him feel part of your family rather than a sort of quasi-visitor who is neither the one thing or the other, and not batting an eyelid about it in front of the children. Let your partner deal with issues with contact etc. away from the children. (If you have partner issues yourself too, that's a separate topic. None of this is your stepson's fault. It's the fault of one or more adults in his life.)

(I do have experience of dual-family parenting, and the amazing good a great step-parent can do, and the opposite. One of my children effectly has 3 parents because of the good one (and not exactly 4, because of the not-so-good one.))

HailAdrian · 16/08/2022 12:36

whumpthereitis · 16/08/2022 12:32

LOL. Have you read ANY thread on here before? 9/10 they involve ‘slagging off’ a stranger.

Speaking of faux naïveté…

Show quote history

Well, that does say a lot about the site tbh. It's a weird thing to enjoy getting stuck into.

Liz1tummypain · 16/08/2022 12:37

@ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat yes I do not know the child in this position. I’m quoting the words of another person who believes they have been in this position. You can choose to ignore it or you can choose to imagine that person is not accepting some valuable life lesson that they were meant to have taken on. They’re
now more grounded, more whatever you want to think. Whatever. The words seem reasonable to me and I wouldn’t want to invalidate them.

HailAdrian · 16/08/2022 12:39

aSofaNearYou · 16/08/2022 12:19

Wow, 50/50, dad of the year.

What is your problem? He's done absolutely nothing wrong here and yet you are sarcastically dismissing him whilst defending the one person who HAS done something to let their child down until your dying breath.

It's coming across as really ridiculous.

He's the child's actual parent and there hasn't been much said about him actually but if she is frequently trying to palm the child off, why isn't he offering to have him more? Plenty of evidence to suggest 50/50 isn't a great arrangement for children.

PixieLaLa · 16/08/2022 12:41

It’s ridiculous how many people are missing the point that if anyone is making the boy feel ‘unwanted’ it’s his own Mum who palmed him off an extra night so she could get pissed and then couldn’t even be bothered to pick him up the next morning at the time arranged! That is the issue here.

RedWingBoots · 16/08/2022 12:44

PixieLaLa · 16/08/2022 12:41

It’s ridiculous how many people are missing the point that if anyone is making the boy feel ‘unwanted’ it’s his own Mum who palmed him off an extra night so she could get pissed and then couldn’t even be bothered to pick him up the next morning at the time arranged! That is the issue here.

Yep and its stated many times throughout the thread.

It's common for fathers to do it but mothers do it as well.

I guess most people have only met children of stereotypical separated parents.

ImAvingOops · 16/08/2022 12:44

Imo there's no perfect way to parent in a family where the parents are separated. Either the dc spend not enough time with one parent or in 50/50 splits the kids are constantly moved between houses and find it unsettling. Mostly people just do the best they can with what they have!

There's also nothing wrong in not being able to love a child which isn't your own and therefore deciding never to marry someone who already has children. The real wrong doers are the ones who know this and marry the person anyway!
I do have the capacity to love a child which isn't mine, but it is absolutely not comparable with the level of emotion and commitment I feel to my own dc. I think that's pretty normal for parents.

OP did the right thing imo. If mum is struggling, it's not the OPs job to fix it. And not everyone who displays cf tendencies is struggling - sometimes a cf is just a cf and there's no hidden depth to it.

If a dad was out all night on the piss and his wife had their baby all night and needed to go to work in the morning, we'd all say that said wife shouldn't then be stuck with childcare for the stepson in the morning while dad was still out/hungover. That's probably what the mum's dp has said no to. Hence her trying it on with the OP. She's taken a view to just dump and run and present OP with no option, but this has backfired and rightly so.