To be absolutely furious about this and drop DSS off at her house anyway?

[CottonCandy11]

It's me, DH, our son and my DSS who is 9. He's a lovely kid this is nothing to do with him personally but his mother.

He was due to go back to his mum's last night after being with us the previous 3 nights. She rang in the day and asked if he could stay another night as she had been invited out to something.

My husband asked me as he had to start work very early this morning (travelling down south so had to set off at 4am).

I said yes on the very strict proviso she comes to get him at 8am as I have a day out planned.

My son is 4 and I've planned a mother / son day out. Booked tickets for something and am really looking forward to just spending some fun downtime with him on our own. He's been poorly recently too and just got better last week so it's a nice treat for him (and me!).

Anyway, DH has just rang me saying she's messaged him saying sorry she won't be here for 8 as she ended up staying out so won't be home yet until about 11.

I'm so angry. I know her partner is at home (they have a baby so he's been in with their DC) and I know DSS has a key if he's still asleep. I'm seriously minded to go and drop him off with her partner. She'll be furious but I literally couldn't give a shit about what she thinks now, she cares about no one else whatsoever. It's always been the same, hers are the only plans that matter.

But I'm not missing my day with my son, I've been looking forward to it and I'm not having him and me miss out because she wanted to go on a piss up last night and didn't get home.

@Emilylp sorry, I still don't see how he would feel unwanted? He was going home as planned. That's it. Not that he was told any of this, but There's a difference between "sorry Ben, this thing today is for preschool age and it's booked tickets so won't really be suitable" and "no Ben, go home to your real family so I can do what I want without you" which is what seems to be being implied.

Blatantly mum has probably used up all the good will with her own partner which is probably why she has been begging OP to keep DSS?

I expect it's been made very clear to her before she went out drinking that she must be back from her Saturday night out on the Sunday to take over responsibility for her son at the agreed time. Not only has she not done that she's extended it all day Sunday and into Monday morning and hit and hoped that OP could be guilted into doing all day Monday too. She never has any intention of being back for 8am.

Her partner probably has work/errands etc to do as it was Monday and can't be responsible for the 9 year old. At 8.30 am it's perfectly feasible he was about to leave for work/drop the baby at child care. He has probably been told a story that ex is staying another night because OP and her DP have asked to have DSS all Monday too. Rapidly her story started falling apart Monday morning when OP wouldn't roll over and the desperate begging messages are because she's about to be found out.

wouldn't be surprised if her own relationship is in trouble and/or potentially she's developed a bit of a drinking/partying problem. The selfishness fits with that generally too.

Unfortunately these are common issues when you marry someone with children from a previous relationship. Unfortunately bitter adults can't put differences and pride aside and focus solely on the kids. If you read the op thread again you'll see that the mother had stated she couldn't collect him until 11. - I am not saying the ex is in the right here at all! But doing right by your kid is not doormattery, looking after your kids is not doormattery.

What do you suggest.. refuse to ever take him again?

Her partner probably has work/errands etc to do as it was Monday and can't be responsible for the 9 year old. At 8.30 am it's perfectly feasible he was about to leave for work/drop the baby at child care

From the snippets DH has told me I think this was the case so it's probably caused a bit of an issue at hers.

PPs saying I wasn't doing her a favour, I was doing DH a favour, I don't get that. It always gets said on these threads. Of course I was doing her a favour, she was the only one who benefitted from us having DSS another night so she could go out during what was supposed to be her time with her son. My husband would have had to say no due to working so early yesterday if it weren't for me and she'd not have been able to go anywhere so yes it was a favour to her not him.

For those asking we have DSS 50:50. 3 nights one week, 4 the next although it quite often ends up 4 nights both weeks due to some reason or another from her side. Which we never complain about until she takes the utter piss.

I'm not going to feel guilty about wanting a day with my son. I care for DSS but it's not the same relationship and it would have changed the day. Asking what I'd do with a biological child is irrelevant because that's not the situation.

Anyway don't really know what else has happened as I've told DH I'm not interested. I think there has been a bit of back and forth between them and she's in trouble from her DP by the sounds of it but I really don't care.

Yes his stepdad was in. Still neither family
wanted him unconditionally.

What do you suggest.. refuse to ever take him again?

I won't be doing her any favours again no. If DH wants to that's up to him.

I suggest no more favours for mum whatsoever 🤷🏻‍♀️

they may be common issues, but that doesn’t mean OP is somehow contracted to tolerate cheeky fuckery over a child that’s not hers: Shockingly, people are not obliged to swallow absolute bullshit, regardless of any ‘for the kids!’ bleating. Imagine a child learning that you’re not an absolute mug, ‘no’ isn’t a dirty word, and that standing up for yourself is a viable option! Unthinkable(!)

If having a backbone makes someone bitter then I’ll be happily bitter, and indeed upright, all day fucking long.

Basically next time she wants to go out on her time she can ask DH if she likes but if he's not around, I won't be doing it so I guess she won't be going anywhere if she can't ask her partner.

@Liz1tummypain "still no-one wanted him unconditionally" how melodramatic. For god's sake, I don't want my kids around when I'm at work or on a date, or on a planned day out with friends. If there was a dire emergency of course plans change but occasionally having a life that does not involve your kids is not some massive parenting fail. As I said upthread, giving a child of 9 the sense that everyone will drop everything to give them the 100% best preferred outcome is not healthy. And @Emilylp the mum originally said 8am pick up, she only changed it to 11 after the op had agreed to the overnight.

I don't understand this. He was due to go back the previous evening, his father agreed he could stay over another night on condition that he be collected by 8 a.m., his mother agreed to that. She didn't try change the collection time till around 7 a.m the following morning. OP had the option of taking him back home at the agreed time where there was a responsible adult able to look after him, and took that option. It's beyond me why that means she wasn't focussing on his welfare.

"Imagine a child learning that you’re not an absolute mug, ‘no’ isn’t a dirty word, and that standing up for yourself is a viable option! Unthinkable(!)"

what exactly has the child done here??

I think you are right OP. Keep her blocked. Let her interact with her ex only over this.

I went down this rabbit hole years ago and I ended up the default parent as my then partner was abdicating his kids onto me when he had access so he could swan off to various social events (lodge).

I arranged to get 'called in' to work to break the cycle of the pair of them treating me like the unpaid help but ultimately my relationship broke up because I pushed back and neither of them liked it.

It was upsetting at the time but I'm glad I walked away from that shitshow. I missed the kids though.

@ilkleymoorbartat in your rush to claim the moral high ground for yourself, did you miss the fact that OP has already done everything in her power to avoid conflict for DSS, & has ensured there was no angst & drama for him to witness?

Not sure how you are deducing that OP has been anything other than adult about the unfortunate fact that the kid was let down by his own mother - but sanctimony often leads the sanctimonious to demonise the innocent, so maybe that's it ...

I think you’ve handled this spectacularly well, OP. And it’s good to see.

@ForfuckssakeEXHstopbeingatwat I’m quoting the words of a child who has been in this position. I didn’t grow up as a step child so I’m trying to imagine what it’s like to be passed around from A to B and using the words of a person who has been. You can call them melodramatic if you want but it’s their words.

Did I say the child did anything? No. You’re saying a kid witnessing this would invariably be traumatised, instead of perhaps learning that adults don’t actually have to accept being treated like a mug.

I too think you've handled this in an amazingly mature and calm way.

If you read the op thread again you'll see that the mother had stated she couldn't collect him until 11

She should have said that at the outset, picked her DS up at the regular time and found alternative care that matched the times she needed.

She was totally wrong to accept an offer conditional on an 8am pick up, then flake at 7am

Were you Head Girl at school @Emilylp?

Because your entire, finger-wagging, patronising little homily is so unnecessary to a woman who has successfully step & co-parented with her DH for years.

This is the real corker though -
DSS may not have been aware of the outing you had planned but kids are smart and know when their not wanted - being packed up and dropped back to mums as soon as he had breakfast - probably didn't feel great.

What are you on about - not wanted?
DSS knew, from the previous day, that he was going to be going home to his mum's at 8am.
The only thing that changed for him was that instead of his mum picking his up, OP dropped him home.

You have really twisted yourself into a pretzel trying to find something to blame OP for & lecture her about, but that nasty little piece of projection doesn't even make any sense. Especially the emotive "being packed up" - of course he was packed up! - he knew he was due to go home at 8am!

Unfortunately these are common issues when you marry someone with children from a previous relationship. Unfortunately bitter adults can't put differences and pride aside and focus solely on the kids. If you read the op thread again you'll see that the mother had stated she couldn't collect him until 11. - I am not saying the ex is in the right here at all! But doing right by your kid is not doormattery, looking after your kids is not doormattery.

Thankfully step parents are not obliged to focus "solely on the kids". Even normal parents don't have to focus "solely" on the kids and should hold on to a themselves as individuals and hold their coparents accountable for fucking them over, why on earth would anyone sign up to be a STEP parent being unable to do that FFS. Do you think step parents get into the position because of a desperate desire to adopt a child (that already has two parents) and focus entirely on them? No. Focusing on them somewhat is more than enough.

Doing the favour of childcare for one of the ACTUAL parents, being dicked around over timings and just allowing your plans to be sidelined rather than taking the available option to put your foot down IS doormattery.

This thread veers so hard into the Victorian melodramatic that all it’s missing is smelling salts, Spring Heeled Jack, and crinolines.

The Catholic Church is much pretty covered when it comes to martyrs. No one needs to fall over themselves volunteering others

If you read the op thread again you'll see that the mother had stated she couldn't collect him until 11.

If you read the OP thread again you will see that the mum wanted to go out and asked OP and husband if the child could stay another night and she would pick her son up at 8am. At 7am she let her ex husband know she wouldn't pick her her son up until 11am. OP dropped the child off with his step dad at 8.30am.

The issue for some posters seems to be that OP had a planned a day out with her child and didn't want to alter that plan. The OP could easily have had work, would posters think she should take the morning off to accommodate her step sons mums social life? Apparently OP has to prioritise the needs of her step son but the child's own mother doesn't. Why is it OK to expect the OP to change her plans when the man the mum married and had another child with shouldn't have to?

"Won't somebody think of the children", is nearly always a stick to beat women with when they refuse to be doormats.

I completely understand the pov of op, I really do but how the ex behaves is not DSS fault. On going conflict between his mother and stepmother will lead to drama.

Hard to stage manage ongoing conflict when one party (OP) refuses to engage with it, & sensibly blocks the other party @Emilylp

Or will you now find reasons that it's also wrong for the OP to minimise contact with DH's Ex?

Poor OP can't put a foot right here can she? DSS's mum has a lot of form for flaking out on her son, but PP are avid to make OP to blame for the kid being unwanted ... one absolute belter even claimed that DSS will be on anti-depressants by the time he's 19 ... now THAT's creating drama!

juat saw this thread, OP you sound like you handled it really well and I’m glad you got your day out. I can’t believe anybody is giving you a hard time for this

You really haven't RTFT have you @Emilylp ?

DH told OP that he was perfectly happy to say "no" to the request for the extra night, because of his extra-early start.
OP told DH that it was fine, & that she'd look after DSS until 8am when his mother was due to collect him.

The fact that the mother then flaked out AGAIN is hardly DH or OP's fault, is it?
There's only one parent who has refused their responsibility here.