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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely furious about this and drop DSS off at her house anyway?

934 replies

CottonCandy11 · 15/08/2022 07:04

It's me, DH, our son and my DSS who is 9. He's a lovely kid this is nothing to do with him personally but his mother.

He was due to go back to his mum's last night after being with us the previous 3 nights. She rang in the day and asked if he could stay another night as she had been invited out to something.

My husband asked me as he had to start work very early this morning (travelling down south so had to set off at 4am).

I said yes on the very strict proviso she comes to get him at 8am as I have a day out planned.

My son is 4 and I've planned a mother / son day out. Booked tickets for something and am really looking forward to just spending some fun downtime with him on our own. He's been poorly recently too and just got better last week so it's a nice treat for him (and me!).

Anyway, DH has just rang me saying she's messaged him saying sorry she won't be here for 8 as she ended up staying out so won't be home yet until about 11.

I'm so angry. I know her partner is at home (they have a baby so he's been in with their DC) and I know DSS has a key if he's still asleep. I'm seriously minded to go and drop him off with her partner. She'll be furious but I literally couldn't give a shit about what she thinks now, she cares about no one else whatsoever. It's always been the same, hers are the only plans that matter.

But I'm not missing my day with my son, I've been looking forward to it and I'm not having him and me miss out because she wanted to go on a piss up last night and didn't get home.

OP posts:
Marcipex · 15/08/2022 11:15

Good for you. I’m glad you made a stand.
Enjoy your day.

Brefugee · 15/08/2022 11:17

when she took in new hubby he already had a boy with another women. She took on hubby plus one. That was the deal.

(aside of the use of "hubby" which should trigger a ban from the internet) what a complete load of hokum.
Absolute complete and utter piffle. Because it is now the child's time with his mother.

And there is a stepfather who presumably signed up under EXACTLY the same premise.

CatsandFish · 15/08/2022 11:17

Richielogic · 15/08/2022 11:12

Why?

i tell you why, because she signed up to that.

when she took in new hubby he already had a boy with another women. She took on hubby plus one. That was the deal.

i stand by my comment, it doesn’t need to turn into a bitch fest does it. Who can be the bigger - there are children involved.

as for the other reply comment about not being thanked yet by their DSS, that day will come. People ultimately think about these things but it takes time IMO

No she did not 'sign on' to that, at all! Certainly not at the expense of her own child.

One could say his stepdad 'signed on' to it too, so why is it all on OP who has done far, far, far more than her share, at the expense of herself and her son?

When a mother has a child, she signs on to not being a drunken skank who stays out and abandons her child and dumps the child on another woman. His actual mother signed on to put her child first. Which is what she should be doing, and what the OP is doing.

KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 11:18

Bunty55 · 15/08/2022 11:09

I read the initial post. We all did. OP said it was a phone call

Yes @Bunty55

A phone call from his mother, requesting that DSS stay another night with his dad & OP. Which was agreed to. Nothing contentious there.

Everything else - ie DSS's mum's later CF demands to OP - was via text.

CatsandFish · 15/08/2022 11:19

Therealjudgejudy · 15/08/2022 11:13

This thread is unbelievable. Who are all these doormats of woman attacking the op and making her out to be a wicked step mother? Totally projecting their own martyred lives.

You did the right thing OP. Hope you have a lovely day with your son.

Quite.

I think most if not all the ignorant commenters attacking the OP, are CFers and recognise their own self in the stepson's mother so are attacking the OP to make themselves feel better.

There is simply no other excuse or reason that justifies the saint of an OP being attacked.

Goldencarp · 15/08/2022 11:19

Honestly I’ve been a step mum for almost 30 years. I’d just take him with me. Poor kid.

his mum is clearly in the wrong but honestly would it really hurt? Your son might kinky to spend some time with his big brother. Be the bigger person and don’t lowers yourself to her level. My step daughter is 31. She knows now what a nightmare her mum was to me. She also remembers all the nice stuff we done together.

Goldencarp · 15/08/2022 11:21

Omg like not kinky 🤦‍♀️

CatsandFish · 15/08/2022 11:22

Goldencarp · 15/08/2022 11:19

Honestly I’ve been a step mum for almost 30 years. I’d just take him with me. Poor kid.

his mum is clearly in the wrong but honestly would it really hurt? Your son might kinky to spend some time with his big brother. Be the bigger person and don’t lowers yourself to her level. My step daughter is 31. She knows now what a nightmare her mum was to me. She also remembers all the nice stuff we done together.

It's attitudes like yours that create CFs. The OP does NOT need to 'be the bigger person', she has done that more than enough times. The OP is right to put her own son first, for once.

KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 11:22

Goldencarp · 15/08/2022 11:19

Honestly I’ve been a step mum for almost 30 years. I’d just take him with me. Poor kid.

his mum is clearly in the wrong but honestly would it really hurt? Your son might kinky to spend some time with his big brother. Be the bigger person and don’t lowers yourself to her level. My step daughter is 31. She knows now what a nightmare her mum was to me. She also remembers all the nice stuff we done together.

He'd only be a "poor kid" if OP dragged him out to an activity for 4 year olds which would not only bore him rigid, but highlight the fact that his mother has - for the second time this visit - deliberately delayed her plans to pick him up when he was expecting her.

rarelyontime · 15/08/2022 11:22

If she was really concerned that her DP might be abusive, she wouldn't have gone on a night out. She'd have made damn sure she'd have been back in time.

If DSS was too irresponsible to be on his own at home, he wouldn't have his own key.

It really does just sound like DSS's DM is just not the world's best mum. Some women aren't abusive, some women aren't amazing, they're just very middle of the road when it comes to parenting.

OP says that the boy is lovely, and that she does spend time with him, so by being nice to him when he's around, she's already doing as much as she possibly can as a step-parent. She's not his actual mum, she can't replace his actual mum, but she's being a positive influence in his life. She's already stepping up.

Separate from that, she's entitled to have her own time to bond with her own DC, especially given the gap in age. The sort of fun things that her DC will want to do right now are very different to DSS, and given there are four adults involved, there's no reason why compromise is needed to the point that the OP's DC misses out on all that.

IncompleteSenten · 15/08/2022 11:29

You did the right thing. She is taking the piss. She can't expect his step mum to do things his step dad won't.

OldFan · 15/08/2022 11:34

YANBU. Enjoy your day out. x

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/08/2022 11:35

Richielogic · 15/08/2022 11:12

Why?

i tell you why, because she signed up to that.

when she took in new hubby he already had a boy with another women. She took on hubby plus one. That was the deal.

i stand by my comment, it doesn’t need to turn into a bitch fest does it. Who can be the bigger - there are children involved.

as for the other reply comment about not being thanked yet by their DSS, that day will come. People ultimately think about these things but it takes time IMO

@Richielogic

will that day come though?!

how do you know? Are you a mind reader? Or perhaps you have a crystal ball? You should charge for your services

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/08/2022 11:36

Soooooo many MARTYRS on here

women! Just cos you have a vagina doesn’t mean you have to put all your wants and needs on the back burner even if you are a stepmum.

being self sacrificing is not all part of the “deal” when you get with a man with kids! Only if you let it be

diddl · 15/08/2022 11:39

Tbh though if she has done this sort of thing before your husband should just have said no-because you had plans & he wouldn't be there if she did piss about.

blockpavingismynightmare · 15/08/2022 11:42

@KettrickenSmiled

Don't get overinvested in threads

HailAdrian · 15/08/2022 11:43

MichelleScarn · 15/08/2022 11:02

Is it not 'mum would rather be out on the piss than do what she agreed to'?

(Although I do like your name.. Rosemary or Sir TP inspired?)

Show quote history

Thank you! Rosemary 😁

There's no doubt that mum is in the wrong but I would expect the step parent who lives with ss to be the natural choice for childcare. The fact that mum is getting upset because ss will be with sd instead is odd to me.

SoupDragon · 15/08/2022 11:43

when she took in new hubby he already had a boy with another women. She took on hubby plus one. That was the deal.

The mother's partner has made the same deal. Thus, by your own logic, there is nothing wrong with the OP having dropped the boy off to his mother's house where it was planned he should be.

Dalaidramailama · 15/08/2022 11:43

I would have dropped him off and had a good day with my son.

I would absolutely be that evil step mother so I just couldn’t do the whole step family thing. Haven’t got it in me.

whumpthereitis · 15/08/2022 11:44

Meanwhile, OP is out having a fantastic day with her child. Good for her!

Fucking lol at some of the comments on this thread. Poor kid is so unwanted that his stepmother happily had him over an extra night, and is doomed to be popping Xanax by 19 because he was dropped home on time.

and then there’s the poster that out-virtue signaled Mumsnet in it’s entirety by claiming to love her stepchild more than her actual children. Sorry kids, mum’s hooked up with a dad and now you’re forever in second or third place in her heart! Spectacular fucking parenting, that one.

Dalaidramailama · 15/08/2022 11:45

@whumpthereitis

Totally agree with you. Word for word. Not her kid not her problem. Simple.

HailAdrian · 15/08/2022 11:46

Someone's doing something right though if he's a 'lovely kid.' At least there's that.

Richielogic · 15/08/2022 11:48

that day will come because, whilst I don’t know your exact situation often children don’t see the fuller picture at the time, perhaps you were the evil women that took daddy away from mommy, perhaps other mommy has been spreading dirt about you to make you out to be the evil one? Who knows but in later adult hood we reevaluate these things, we realise perhaps daddy was in an unhappy relationship and needed to get out, perhaps the dirt mummy was spreading was due to hurt not factual, you get my point.
These things do often come to the surface. It may take a long time but you will get your day in the sun I’m telling you. Life’s complicated you learn that

HailAdrian · 15/08/2022 11:48

Dalaidramailama · 15/08/2022 11:43

I would have dropped him off and had a good day with my son.

I would absolutely be that evil step mother so I just couldn’t do the whole step family thing. Haven’t got it in me.

Neither would I as I don't like don't enjoy being responsible for other people's children.

Batfastard22 · 15/08/2022 11:50

Not read the full thread but why could the boy not have stayed at home with his half sibling, if his stepdad was home?