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Original poster

To be absolutely furious about this and drop DSS off at her house anyway?

934 replies

CottonCandy11 · 15/08/2022 07:04

It's me, DH, our son and my DSS who is 9. He's a lovely kid this is nothing to do with him personally but his mother.

He was due to go back to his mum's last night after being with us the previous 3 nights. She rang in the day and asked if he could stay another night as she had been invited out to something.

My husband asked me as he had to start work very early this morning (travelling down south so had to set off at 4am).

I said yes on the very strict proviso she comes to get him at 8am as I have a day out planned.

My son is 4 and I've planned a mother / son day out. Booked tickets for something and am really looking forward to just spending some fun downtime with him on our own. He's been poorly recently too and just got better last week so it's a nice treat for him (and me!).

Anyway, DH has just rang me saying she's messaged him saying sorry she won't be here for 8 as she ended up staying out so won't be home yet until about 11.

I'm so angry. I know her partner is at home (they have a baby so he's been in with their DC) and I know DSS has a key if he's still asleep. I'm seriously minded to go and drop him off with her partner. She'll be furious but I literally couldn't give a shit about what she thinks now, she cares about no one else whatsoever. It's always been the same, hers are the only plans that matter.

But I'm not missing my day with my son, I've been looking forward to it and I'm not having him and me miss out because she wanted to go on a piss up last night and didn't get home.

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 10:57

The OP is describing the partner as angry, someone who doesn't take shit, someone who doesn't view his stepson as his family member.

And today's prize for putting words she never said into OP's mouth goes to ...

Clymene · 15/08/2022 10:57

Good on you OP. Hope you have a great day out with your kid.

Wheresthebeach · 15/08/2022 10:58

It really isn't a big deal for SS to be dropped at home to be with his half sibling and SD for a few hours. It's only a big deal, if the adults all kick off about it.

Hydrangeatea · 15/08/2022 10:59

Sharrowgirl · 15/08/2022 07:08

Do it but I’d be concerned about making your DSS feel unwanted by the adults in his life. You’ll need to manage that.

Exactly this.

Poor chap 😕

LavenderfortheBees · 15/08/2022 11:00

Good for you showing some spine!

CatsandFish · 15/08/2022 11:01

Diverseopinions · 15/08/2022 10:56

Well, the dad obviously that that there was a chance of the request being accepted, because he passed it on, so now there will be another to and fro while he corrects the positive/hopeful reception he gave before, and turns it into a negative , and cross words all round.

Surely just nicer to take both boys out and deal with the adult conversation later.

No, it's not 'nicer'. It might be easier for gutless people, but it's certainly not nicer for her own son and all it does is reward the CF mother.

CFers exist, because gutless people who won't stand up to them enable them.

CherieBabySpliffUp · 15/08/2022 11:01

Just because the mother's partner was there at 8 doesn't mean he's going to be there for the rest of the morning. Maybe the mother has dropped him in it with regards child care for the baby and he was going to drop the baby off with someone so he could go to work himself? 🤷‍♂️

MichelleScarn · 15/08/2022 11:02

HailAdrian · 15/08/2022 10:52

No matter what people are making up, there is literally no evidence that the SF is abusive. Not least because he happily opened the door for the boy and the boy happily went in. It's just used as an excuse to bash the OP.

Actually, the little 'evidence' suggests the relationship between sf and ss is not great. Mum would rather he stayed with OP than the man she lives with and had a baby with. In fact, she seems quite desperate. Plus, OP never said he went in 'happily' that's just pure speculation.

Is it not 'mum would rather be out on the piss than do what she agreed to'?

(Although I do like your name.. Rosemary or Sir TP inspired?)

Hopeandlove · 15/08/2022 11:02

Tell you DH the answer is no from now on unless he is there.

CatsandFish · 15/08/2022 11:02

CherieBabySpliffUp · 15/08/2022 11:01

Just because the mother's partner was there at 8 doesn't mean he's going to be there for the rest of the morning. Maybe the mother has dropped him in it with regards child care for the baby and he was going to drop the baby off with someone so he could go to work himself? 🤷‍♂️

And none of that is OP's fault or business....

Clymene · 15/08/2022 11:03

It's not going to make the boy feel any different about his useless mum if he's dropped off at 8 or she collects him at 11.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 15/08/2022 11:03

CherieBabySpliffUp · 15/08/2022 11:01

Just because the mother's partner was there at 8 doesn't mean he's going to be there for the rest of the morning. Maybe the mother has dropped him in it with regards child care for the baby and he was going to drop the baby off with someone so he could go to work himself? 🤷‍♂️

maybe
but presumably the op would know?
however the step dad can make arrangements for his step son as well as his own offspring

KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 11:04

Bunty55 · 15/08/2022 10:45

The son has been treated badly by 'grown ups' who are supposed to be looking after him. he has been exposed to pettiness and squabbling and he knows it is all about him. To me it is a form of abuse

Only in your fevered imagination @Bunty55

Back in the real world, OP suppressed her feelings about his feckless mother, & calmly ensured that the updated plan DSS knew about - being taken home at 8am today - was carried out.

Unless there is a row between his mother & stepdad when his mother finally drags her sorry arse home today, DSS will remain oblivious to the pettiness of his mother & has witnessed zero squabbling from OP or his dad.

KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 11:05

Bunty55 · 15/08/2022 10:47

@LuckySantangelo35 · Today 10:30
Bunty55 · Today 10:15
I can't help feeling sorry for the 9 year old boy in all of this. I bet he feels bad.
@Bunty55
'why?
all he knows is that he is to be picked up at 8am
slight change of plan to that as Op is gonna drop him off home to his stepdad in the morning instead
why on earth should he feel “bad”??'

If you can't work this one out then God help you.
Because he will have heard Everything

It's a miracle!
DSS can hear texts!

AnotherForumUser · 15/08/2022 11:05

Ponoka7 · 15/08/2022 10:24

@CrappyJob

"I don't know why but the reluctance she has for her partner to be alone with her son is worrying me greatly 😞
The child is 9. I would think that if he really didn't want to be alone with the partner, he would have said something."

So no 9+ year old children suffer abuse or get murdered?

The DH should be asking what the issue was with her partner looking after him. This is his son who he should be safeguarding. Stepparents, especially stepdad can be great until the biological children come along, then the stepchild is a spare part. Everyone is making assumptions that it's because the Mother is a CF. This is the second incident in three years, that isn't CF territory. Also the OP said that there's been some concerning behaviour from the partner, but it was rare. Perhaps it was rare because the Mother keeps the child away from alone time with the partner. In every recent abuse case there were unquestioned signs. If the partner won't look after the son, were is this going to go once he's a teen. The OP hasn't stated how access is split, so we don't know if this is deserved time off for the Mum, hoping for her to be read the riot act is disgusting, in light of the missing information. The boy's father should be worried about the son witnessing the wished for arguments.

No. The OP didn't claim there has been concerning behaviour. Like Chinese whispers one early comment has been misread then gleefully twisted by certain posters. Please read her response from 7:50 as posted below

CottonCandy11 · Today 07:50

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · Today 07:49

@lollipoprainbow I read it as him having done a small amount of childcare in the past, like the odd bit here and there but not a regular thing, not sure if that's the correct take though!

Yeah that's what I meant.

LetHimHaveIt · 15/08/2022 11:07

'It's a miracle!

DSS can hear texts!'

In a minute she'll claim he's somehow got wind of this thread . . .

Bunty55 · 15/08/2022 11:09

I read the initial post. We all did. OP said it was a phone call

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 15/08/2022 11:10

The over night thing is ok as it probably just made sense for him to stay another night but it is concerning that she wanted her DS to join OP and not go to his home with his step dad

Or maybe his Mum knows he'll spend the day with his face on his screen playing whatever game 9yo are into and would rather he tags along with a 4yo in fresh air (getting bored out of his brain)

Hardly sinister but maybe she'd rather incovenience the OP than have her DP monitir the 9yo screen time .

KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 11:11

Richielogic · 15/08/2022 10:49

Think about the bigger picture here, there are children involved. How is DSS going to feel, his birth mum doesn’t want to pick him up and his SM wants to go off and play with her DS excluding him. Shame on you.

Two wrongs don’t make a right. Don’t get me wrong the mum is a bloody disgrace, I would walk over hot coals to ensure I was there for my children, but not everyone has a moral compass do they. Don’t bring yourself down to her level.

some people are so bloody selfish.

i can see the thread has moved on already and you have taken action but I think next time, step back, take big breaths and just take DSS with you, it’s not his fault he didn’t ask for an irresponsible mum and he will appreciate you more in the long term. Fck the other mother and her games, be the bigger person.

A true mother is not the one who gives birth, it’s the one that makes the sacrifice to be there for them. I feel sorry for DSS in all this, the parents should behave better

This is so overwrought it's unreal.

I'll tell you how DSS is going to feel.
He's going to feel he had an extra night with his dad, & that he went home today at 8am, exactly as he was expecting as per the updated arrangement.

And suppose OP had sucked this up & taken him with her?
Tell us all how DSS would feel @Richielogic - being dragged out on an activity for 4 year olds, instead of going home to his own stuff & his own fun, as he was expecting to?

I'm hazarding he'd have just been bored, pissed off, & longing to go home.

Marcipex · 15/08/2022 11:11

Drop him off, obviously checking that
mums partner is actually home.
Why wouldn’t you? It seems to me to be the obvious course of action.

CrappyJob · 15/08/2022 11:12

Bunty55 · 15/08/2022 11:09

I read the initial post. We all did. OP said it was a phone call

One phone call between her and her DH. I guess op could have been squabbling with him (although it's not his fault so I'm not sure why she would). The messages between her and the mother have been by text.

Richielogic · 15/08/2022 11:12

Why?

i tell you why, because she signed up to that.

when she took in new hubby he already had a boy with another women. She took on hubby plus one. That was the deal.

i stand by my comment, it doesn’t need to turn into a bitch fest does it. Who can be the bigger - there are children involved.

as for the other reply comment about not being thanked yet by their DSS, that day will come. People ultimately think about these things but it takes time IMO

CrappyJob · 15/08/2022 11:13

Marcipex · 15/08/2022 11:11

Drop him off, obviously checking that
mums partner is actually home.
Why wouldn’t you? It seems to me to be the obvious course of action.

Can't believe op didn't do that three hours ago... 🤔

BatsAtDawn · 15/08/2022 11:13

Bunty55 - the initial* *conversation was a call, asking if the boy could stay another night. OP agreed, and as agreed dropped him off the next day. As far as he's concerned, there has been no deviation from that extra overnight and early morning drop off.

Therealjudgejudy · 15/08/2022 11:13

This thread is unbelievable. Who are all these doormats of woman attacking the op and making her out to be a wicked step mother? Totally projecting their own martyred lives.

You did the right thing OP. Hope you have a lovely day with your son.