Page 14 | To be absolutely furious about this and drop DSS off at her house anyway?

CottonCandy11 · 2022-08-15T06:04:45+00:00

It's me, DH, our son and my DSS who is 9. He's a lovely kid this is nothing to do with him personally but his mother. He was due to go back to his mum's last night after being with us the previous 3 nights. She rang in the day and asked if he could stay another night as she had been invited out to something. My husband asked me as he had to start work very early this morning (travelling down south so had to set off at 4am). I said yes on the very strict proviso she comes to get him at 8am as I have a day out planned. My son is 4 and I've planned a mother / son day out. Booked tickets for something and am really looking forward to just spending some fun downtime with him on our own. He's been poorly recently too and just got better last week so it's a nice treat for him (and me!). Anyway, DH has just rang me saying she's messaged him saying sorry she won't be here for 8 as she ended up staying out so won't be home yet until about 11. I'm so angry. I know her partner is at home (they have a baby so he's been in with their DC) and I know DSS has a key if he's still asleep. I'm seriously minded to go and drop him off with her partner. She'll be furious but I literally couldn't give a shit about what she thinks now, she cares about no one else whatsoever. It's always been the same, hers are the only plans that matter. But I'm not missing my day with my son, I've been looking forward to it and I'm not having him and me miss out because she wanted to go on a piss up last night and didn't get home.

HailAdrian · 15/08/2022 10:43

BruceAndNosh · 15/08/2022 10:42

The Mother is begging for the child to be kept away from the stepdad
But OK with her baby being left with him?
FFS

One his biological child, the other not. Hmmm.

Bunty55 · 15/08/2022 10:45

The son has been treated badly by 'grown ups' who are supposed to be looking after him. he has been exposed to pettiness and squabbling and he knows it is all about him. To me it is a form of abuse

KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 10:45

Liz1tummypain · 15/08/2022 10:31

There is no correct in this. If anyone has grandparents close enough to help out and of course everyone uses nurseries etc as it helps kids learn to socialise. Whatever people can get to work is great. It isn’t working in the situation being discussed here though. I don’t know who is responsible but I know who will be the most affected.

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It is working though @Liz1tummypain

DSS is successfully being co-parented between 2 households.
He has time at each, & the only part that has failed to work is the pick up/collection arrangements, which his mother has (deliberately) fucked up twice in a few years.

His mother's fuck-up is that she has form for taking the piss out of OP's time - & expects her to step up for unscheduled childcare but doesn't expect the same of her own DP - not because the co-parenting isn't working for the lad.

Diverseopinions · 15/08/2022 10:45

I would get out of the habit of feeling strong emotions, such as fury, around children, as they can pick up on the vibes and feel sad and anxious.

I would have taken the little boy out with your son and then calmly book a slot to speak to the other mum, face to face, or ask your partner to do it, saying all the reasons her actions were irresponsible and mean.

Diverseopinions · 15/08/2022 10:46

There are many days left of the holiday, and time to do things with the little one, without his brother.

Pinkspice · 15/08/2022 10:47

My friend once asked me if I could look after her poorly child for the day because she had to work. He watched TV with me. I don't think he needed any therapy because of it.

No matter what people are making up, there is literally no evidence that the SF is abusive. Not least because he happily opened the door for the boy and the boy happily went in. It's just used as an excuse to bash the OP.

Why is being with the SF making the SS feel more unwanted than being with the SM. It just makes no sense whatsoever. Unless you start from the sexist viewpoint that DC are better off with women than men. The SS doesn't know the backstory, so he won't feel passed from pillar to post.

Occam's razor suggests that the SM will just get more stick from her DP for changing the plans than from OP due to her past experience rather than there is any sinister back story. That's why she tried to pull this stunt.

Bunty55 · 15/08/2022 10:47

@LuckySantangelo35 · Today 10:30
Bunty55 · Today 10:15
I can't help feeling sorry for the 9 year old boy in all of this. I bet he feels bad.
@Bunty55
'why?
all he knows is that he is to be picked up at 8am
slight change of plan to that as Op is gonna drop him off home to his stepdad in the morning instead
why on earth should he feel “bad”??'

If you can't work this one out then God help you.
Because he will have heard Everything

KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 10:48

Funny how you immediately thought I wanted to bash the step mum. In fact my first thought was for the child and how he might have felt . That actually took priority in my mind, but then I'm a mum and that's how a lot of us think.

Funny how you self-contradict & can't help but "other" stepmums with your "but then I'm a mum" nonsense though innit @dogmandu? 😂

It's almost as if you feel that only people who have experienced parturition have any nurturing feelings toward DC ...

Liz1tummypain · 15/08/2022 10:48

KettrickenSmiled · 15/08/2022 10:45

It is working though @Liz1tummypain

DSS is successfully being co-parented between 2 households.
He has time at each, & the only part that has failed to work is the pick up/collection arrangements, which his mother has (deliberately) fucked up twice in a few years.

His mother's fuck-up is that she has form for taking the piss out of OP's time - & expects her to step up for unscheduled childcare but doesn't expect the same of her own DP - not because the co-parenting isn't working for the lad.

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Yes a fine example of Co-parenting. Not.

Pinkspice · 15/08/2022 10:49

Bunty55 · 15/08/2022 10:45

The son has been treated badly by 'grown ups' who are supposed to be looking after him. he has been exposed to pettiness and squabbling and he knows it is all about him. To me it is a form of abuse

This is made up too as he knows nothing about the situation. It was all done by text.

Richielogic · 15/08/2022 10:49

Think about the bigger picture here, there are children involved. How is DSS going to feel, his birth mum doesn’t want to pick him up and his SM wants to go off and play with her DS excluding him. Shame on you.

Two wrongs don’t make a right. Don’t get me wrong the mum is a bloody disgrace, I would walk over hot coals to ensure I was there for my children, but not everyone has a moral compass do they. Don’t bring yourself down to her level.

some people are so bloody selfish.

i can see the thread has moved on already and you have taken action but I think next time, step back, take big breaths and just take DSS with you, it’s not his fault he didn’t ask for an irresponsible mum and he will appreciate you more in the long term. Fck the other mother and her games, be the bigger person.

A true mother is not the one who gives birth, it’s the one that makes the sacrifice to be there for them. I feel sorry for DSS in all this, the parents should behave better

wast542 · 15/08/2022 10:49

Diverseopinions · 15/08/2022 10:46

There are many days left of the holiday, and time to do things with the little one, without his brother.

Yes but she specifically bought tickets for something to do today.

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/08/2022 10:49

dogmandu · 15/08/2022 10:32

Funny how you immediately thought I wanted to bash the step mum. In fact my first thought was for the child and how he might have felt . That actually took priority in my mind, but then I'm a mum and that's how a lot of us think.

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@dogmandu

In fact my first thought was for the child and how he might have felt . That actually took priority in my mind, but then I'm a mum and that's how a lot of us think.

well the thing is Op is a person just as much as the child, and she has feelings too.

So you can consider both of their feelings and needs and still be a mum. And that’s what a lot of us mums think.

op doesn’t cease to be a person with feelings just because she has a stepchild who has feelings too

CatsandFish · 15/08/2022 10:49

Bunty55 · 15/08/2022 10:45

The son has been treated badly by 'grown ups' who are supposed to be looking after him. he has been exposed to pettiness and squabbling and he knows it is all about him. To me it is a form of abuse

The stepson DOESN'T EVEN KNOW about the text argument. He is none the wiser. You are inventing a false narrative that doesn't even exist!

The OP did the right thing, any mother would. She dropped the stepson back to his stepfather, and attended to her own child who needed her more.

CrappyJob · 15/08/2022 10:50

Bunty55 · 15/08/2022 10:45

The son has been treated badly by 'grown ups' who are supposed to be looking after him. he has been exposed to pettiness and squabbling and he knows it is all about him. To me it is a form of abuse

How has he been exposed to squabbling?

His dad isn't there. All the conversation seems to have been done by text message.

Are you saying op has been telling him what has been happening? Because I see no indication of that - in fact she's pretty much stated that he's unaware.

LetHimHaveIt · 15/08/2022 10:50

' . . . and then calmly book a slot to speak to the other mum'

Great idea. I'm sure a woman who has asked for a last-minute favour, then attempted to push back collection by three hours before finally abandoning all pretence of being a decent human being by asking OP if she can take her SS out on her and her son's planned day out, would be very amenable to a scheduled sit-down about her pisspoor behaviour.

CatsandFish · 15/08/2022 10:51

Richielogic · 15/08/2022 10:49

Think about the bigger picture here, there are children involved. How is DSS going to feel, his birth mum doesn’t want to pick him up and his SM wants to go off and play with her DS excluding him. Shame on you.

Two wrongs don’t make a right. Don’t get me wrong the mum is a bloody disgrace, I would walk over hot coals to ensure I was there for my children, but not everyone has a moral compass do they. Don’t bring yourself down to her level.

some people are so bloody selfish.

i can see the thread has moved on already and you have taken action but I think next time, step back, take big breaths and just take DSS with you, it’s not his fault he didn’t ask for an irresponsible mum and he will appreciate you more in the long term. Fck the other mother and her games, be the bigger person.

A true mother is not the one who gives birth, it’s the one that makes the sacrifice to be there for them. I feel sorry for DSS in all this, the parents should behave better

No! NO! 'being the bigger person' means her own son is hurt. 'being the bigger person' means the mother is enabled and will continue to take advantage.

It is not on for the OP, of all people, to 'be the bigger person' when she already has COUNTLESS TIMES.

HailAdrian · 15/08/2022 10:52

No matter what people are making up, there is literally no evidence that the SF is abusive. Not least because he happily opened the door for the boy and the boy happily went in. It's just used as an excuse to bash the OP.

Actually, the little 'evidence' suggests the relationship between sf and ss is not great. Mum would rather he stayed with OP than the man she lives with and had a baby with. In fact, she seems quite desperate. Plus, OP never said he went in 'happily' that's just pure speculation.

CrappyJob · 15/08/2022 10:52

If you can't work this one out then God help you.
Because he will have heard Everything

Ah. Those audible text messages. Such a problem for the children. Always knew tech would be the downfall of civilisation.

LuckySantangelo35 · 15/08/2022 10:52

Richielogic · 15/08/2022 10:49

Think about the bigger picture here, there are children involved. How is DSS going to feel, his birth mum doesn’t want to pick him up and his SM wants to go off and play with her DS excluding him. Shame on you.

Two wrongs don’t make a right. Don’t get me wrong the mum is a bloody disgrace, I would walk over hot coals to ensure I was there for my children, but not everyone has a moral compass do they. Don’t bring yourself down to her level.

some people are so bloody selfish.

i can see the thread has moved on already and you have taken action but I think next time, step back, take big breaths and just take DSS with you, it’s not his fault he didn’t ask for an irresponsible mum and he will appreciate you more in the long term. Fck the other mother and her games, be the bigger person.

A true mother is not the one who gives birth, it’s the one that makes the sacrifice to be there for them. I feel sorry for DSS in all this, the parents should behave better

@Richielogic

nah!

why should OP make the sacrifice?

the child has a mother, a father and a stepfather as well as her.

why should it fall on the step mum to put her own wants and needs on the back burner?!

Fuck “being the bigger person” that just equates to women being doormats whilst everyone else takes advantage of them.

women are sick of this and are making a stand

Soproudoflionesses · 15/08/2022 10:52

Richielogic · 15/08/2022 10:49

Think about the bigger picture here, there are children involved. How is DSS going to feel, his birth mum doesn’t want to pick him up and his SM wants to go off and play with her DS excluding him. Shame on you.

Two wrongs don’t make a right. Don’t get me wrong the mum is a bloody disgrace, I would walk over hot coals to ensure I was there for my children, but not everyone has a moral compass do they. Don’t bring yourself down to her level.

some people are so bloody selfish.

i can see the thread has moved on already and you have taken action but I think next time, step back, take big breaths and just take DSS with you, it’s not his fault he didn’t ask for an irresponsible mum and he will appreciate you more in the long term. Fck the other mother and her games, be the bigger person.

A true mother is not the one who gives birth, it’s the one that makes the sacrifice to be there for them. I feel sorry for DSS in all this, the parents should behave better

I have to disagree that the DSS will thank her in the long run.

Still waiting for my DSS to appreciate things l did but as l am wicked stepmum (always been lovely to him by the way),, sadly l don't think that day will ever come.

LetHimHaveIt · 15/08/2022 10:53

'If you can't work this one out then God help you.
Because he will have heard Everything'

Oh, rubbish. Just because you seem bent on turning this child's life into a series of tortured black and white images from an NSPCC ad, doesn't mean it's true.

SD1978 · 15/08/2022 10:54

You were not unreasonable in the slightest! You had plans, and offered to help out. Her trying to change the goal posts is on her, not you. I fail to see how you continuing with your previous plans means he has no adults in his life who want him.....his mother let him down, you didn't! Congrats on blocking- absolutely let your DH deal with her from now on!

ApolloandDaphne · 15/08/2022 10:56

Good for you sticking to your guns. She is a CF especially as her DP is at home anyway.

Diverseopinions · 15/08/2022 10:56

Well, the dad obviously that that there was a chance of the request being accepted, because he passed it on, so now there will be another to and fro while he corrects the positive/hopeful reception he gave before, and turns it into a negative , and cross words all round.

Surely just nicer to take both boys out and deal with the adult conversation later.