To be absolutely furious about this and drop DSS off at her house anyway?

[CottonCandy11]

It's me, DH, our son and my DSS who is 9. He's a lovely kid this is nothing to do with him personally but his mother.

He was due to go back to his mum's last night after being with us the previous 3 nights. She rang in the day and asked if he could stay another night as she had been invited out to something.

My husband asked me as he had to start work very early this morning (travelling down south so had to set off at 4am).

I said yes on the very strict proviso she comes to get him at 8am as I have a day out planned.

My son is 4 and I've planned a mother / son day out. Booked tickets for something and am really looking forward to just spending some fun downtime with him on our own. He's been poorly recently too and just got better last week so it's a nice treat for him (and me!).

Anyway, DH has just rang me saying she's messaged him saying sorry she won't be here for 8 as she ended up staying out so won't be home yet until about 11.

I'm so angry. I know her partner is at home (they have a baby so he's been in with their DC) and I know DSS has a key if he's still asleep. I'm seriously minded to go and drop him off with her partner. She'll be furious but I literally couldn't give a shit about what she thinks now, she cares about no one else whatsoever. It's always been the same, hers are the only plans that matter.

But I'm not missing my day with my son, I've been looking forward to it and I'm not having him and me miss out because she wanted to go on a piss up last night and didn't get home.

@HailAdrian

it blatantly is a “feminist issue” when you look at what is being expected of the OP as his stepmother compared to what is being expected to his mothers partner I.e the child’s stepfather

what is so hard to understand about that?!

So no 9+ year old children suffer abuse or get murdered?

Yeah, that's what I said...

She didn't ask for 11 am at all. At approximately 7am she said she wouldn't be picking him up at 8.

All the OP has done is drop the boy off with his other step parent and half sibling.

No such thing as a part time parent if you care about your kids and step kids. The mother is in the wrong for putting drinking above her own child. The OP is in the wrong for excluding her step child.

If it was her biological child who was meant to go to his dad but that dad flaked would she be posting this, or would she be including him I'm her day out with her other son?

The step father sounds no better than OP right now as he won't take the boy either. The only one I have no idea about is the boys father as he went to work thinking his child was going back to his mothers at 8am.

Whatever they have done over last 3 days is irrelevant you don't stop being a parent and step parent as your alloted days come to an end. If the boy is in need you deal with it. Maybe dad should think about discussing the custody agreement with the mum who also doesn't seem to want the boy and he should live a greater % of his time with dad.

@Bunty55

why?

all he knows is that he is to be picked up at 8am

slight change of plan to that as Op is gonna drop him off home to his stepdad in the morning instead

why on earth should he feel “bad”??

OP and her DH haven't excluded him They've just looked after him for four nights. OP perfectly reasonably made plans for a day when, so far as she knew, her DSS would be with his mother. That isn't either excluding him or treating him differently to her own child.

There is no correct in this. If anyone has grandparents close enough to help out and of course everyone uses nurseries etc as it helps kids learn to socialise. Whatever people can get to work is great. It isn’t working in the situation being discussed here though. I don’t know who is responsible but I know who will be the most affected.

She'll be at home won't she? Just hungover, so can't pick up at 8am, rather 11am. So drop him off, she'll just need to get out of bed and deal with him herself.

That's a massive stretch. You don't even know if the mum travelled by train, but suddenly she's decided on an impulse to stay somewhere where she is dependent on public transport which only operates a three hourly service? Time for her to call a taxi, I'd say.

don't be soft. There is so much stretching on this thread about the current DP and how he is likely a child-abuser, that the possibity that the mum has had a transport fail is barely extending my hand towards the idea.

Aside of the fact that OP seems to have indicated the mum is a bit of a CF over things like this (and thus is now blocked) there is no evidence of any of the scenarios. What i painted as a possible scenario is pretty much an Occam's Razor approach: what is more likely.

Funny how you immediately thought I wanted to bash the step mum. In fact my first thought was for the child and how he might have felt . That actually took priority in my mind, but then I'm a mum and that's how a lot of us think.

What are you talking about?? Expected by whom? We have fuck all idea why the mum would prefer OP to her own partner. Some of us think that's concerning, even. So who is 'expecting' OP to do it because she's the woman, exactly?

I've been a step parent, that little boy that came as an extension to my partner was so loved and adored probably more than own children

You and your partner loved and adored his child over and above your own child? That's just a tad fucked up in itself, @Sooveritallnow

I have. I wouldn't treat any child like this no matter what relation they were to me or not.
It's mean and nasty and horrible and petty and smallminded and selfish.. you get it ??

You wouldn't drop your stepchild off at their home, at the time he was expecting to be going home, when his stepfather and and sibling were there? Because that's pretty much all that happened.

What I wouldn't do is expect someone else to look after my child at short notice, and then unilaterally decide that I wouldn't be there at the time I was supposed to be. That's the mean and selfish act here.

@CrappyJob it is what you said. You said he was 9 so therefore would speak out. The OP is describing the partner as angry, someone who doesn't take shit, someone who doesn't view his stepson as his family member. Coupled with the OP happy to drop, run and block, that 9 year old won't be speaking out.
The child's father should be checking up on things. In most of the high profile cases if the dad's had have been slightly more involved, they wouldn't have gone on for so long. This child is sharing his home with another adult who doesn't want to care for him, even though he has a half sibling. As an ex CP SW that is ringing alarm bells. Were do you think all these angry young men stem from? The Mother is begging for the child to be kept away from the stepdad. She may not have gone home for good reasons.

bit childish to bloke her! but i guess people do this
you could have just said No on the phone

Well, the whole situation is a bit fucked, don't you think?

I did read all of OPs posts thanks. And I still pity that poor boy.
ut OP has all her MN cheerleaders like you so she'll feel content treating that child differently to her own, whilst you all blame the step father for doing exactly what OP is doing. Woo hoo go OP, go cheerleaders yayyyyyy. All the adults keep excluding that little boy.

Logic is not your strong suit is it @Sooveritallnow?
OP looked after her DSS for an extra day & night on his mother's request.
All she asked in return was that he be collected at 8am so that her plans today - a NON CONTACT DAY for her DSS - could go ahead.

He has not been "excluded" from anything today.
The day out for a 4 year old was never on his schedule.

As to "treating that child differently from her own" what are you harping on about?
ALL parents treats their 9 year old differently from their 4 year olds.
Whether they are bio or step makes no odds to that fact.
DSS would have been bored shitless at an activity for 4 year old. He's much better off back at home with his own comforts & entertainments, & OP has quietly & competently arranged for that to happen for him.

All he is aware of is that instead of being collected by mum, he was dropped off by stepmum. The only way he could have been made to feel "unwanted" would be if OP kicked off about it, caused a row, or otherwise let him witness her feelings about his mother's pisstaking.
OP took pains to not allow that to happen, & if that makes me a cheerleader, hurrah for common sense.

'It's mean and nasty and horrible and petty and smallminded and selfish.. you get it ?'

Mean and nasty and horrible and horrible and petty and small minded and selfish to . . . have your stepson for an extra night before returning him to his home, where there is a responsible adult, at the agreed time?

Are you ok?

She'd already said no to a later return. Mum doesn't seem to respond to that word terribly well, does she?

To be honest I’d personally be concerned as to the reason her partner can’t look after him but will look after their own baby. Poor child sounds as though he’s seen as a nuisance- he must notice it too.

Maybe for similar reasons that OP can't look after him

it is what you said. You said he was 9 so therefore would speak out

No, I didn't.

Op clearly said that he is happy to be with his stepfather. I'm pretty sure that it would be fairly obvious if that wasn't the case - words are not needed for that. Body language, being reluctant to go back, trying to stay for longer - are all things that a 9 year old would try if they were unhappy and didn't want to say anything.

It's not all about words.

How has DSS been "treated" @Bunty55 ?

Where - exactly - has OP been mean and nasty and horrible and petty and smallminded and selfish. ?

Her own DH - the child's father - advised her that she could say 'no' to the extra night. But she didn't say no. She was welcoming, & said yes - with the proviso that DSS be picked up at 8am, as she had other plans for her day.
HER day - a NON-CONTACT day for DSS, remember?

The only selfish party here is DSS's mother.

The Mother is begging for the child to be kept away from the stepdad
But OK with her baby being left with him?
FFS