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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband had a private lapdance

727 replies

Skye90 · 14/08/2022 22:07

On a stag do. Says he was so drunk he hardly remembers it. He wasn’t the only one but all the others are single.

Not sure how I feel about it tbh.

AIBU

OP posts:
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5
winterlilies · 14/08/2022 23:26

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Itisasecret · 14/08/2022 23:27

This for me would be a deal breaker. We have a teen daughter, she’s not far off the age some of these women are. If people even tried to suggest paying for her body was ok, I cannot print what I would do. I would divorce my husband for this, no question.

neighboursmustliveon · 14/08/2022 23:27

My dh knows this his a line crossed for me and is close to cheating. It's no different to him dancing provocatively with another woman on a fancy floor. Thankfully he respects my views and doesn't go to strip bars. On his stag do he even 'escaped' when he heard that was the next stop.

Margot78 · 14/08/2022 23:28

Honestly I don’t think I would leave him, he’s owned up quickly and regrets it. I imagine there’s a lot of peer pressure at these things. That said, I would be really unsettled at the thought of my dh paying for a private dance and it would impact on me emotionally. Some women can differentiate between a paid transaction and a one night dalliance but I would find it hard to imagine him getting turned on by another woman, whatever the circumstances. We are all different though and it sounds like you need to process how you feel about it.

theworldhas · 14/08/2022 23:28

@sundayvibeswig22
sure, but let’s be honest. For every man who is engaged in a physical attractiveness/youth for £££ marital exchange, there are ten the opposite way round.

It might be exploitative and misogynistic and terrible etc, but for some reason millions of women seem to not merely tolerate such tyranny but actively pursue it.

BellePeppa · 14/08/2022 23:28

Gardenerboo · 14/08/2022 22:16

Would be a dealbreaker for me.

Really? So you would leave your husband, your marriage, your children would suffer from the split, the hassle of joint custody, the hassle of child support etc all because he had a drunken lap dance on a stag do?

Wheresmymoneytree · 14/08/2022 23:29

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But he didn’t have to accept it? My friend once bought a bag of coke on a night out for “us”. I didn’t have any because my DP doesn’t like it because he’s worried it would lead to me being injured, I would have before we met though.

I would be more annoyed at the money than anything. I’m not overjoyed about a strip club but I can accept it’s what happens at a stag do. I’ve been where there are butlers in the buff etc, but I wouldn’t pay for me to personally because I think that’s “getting off on it” which crosses a line from being a bit of fun.

Cherryblossoms85 · 14/08/2022 23:29

Wouldn't bother me. Next time maybe we can both have one.

Jillybloop393 · 14/08/2022 23:29

I wouldn't be overly happy about it .... but I certainly wouldn't end my marriage over it. If he was going out regularly and doing it, that would be different, but the occasional stag do ... I'd let it pass. After I'd made him suffer a bit, obvs! ;-)

HowcanIhelp123 · 14/08/2022 23:30

For me its a difficult one. Only you can gauge what you think. He came back and told you straight away. Do you believe that was honest?

If you feel it was a genuine 'i got way too drunk, had a lap dance, fucked up, regret massively, won't do it again' then I'd say it's a genuine mistake on his part and people fuck up and he's learnt a lesson.

If it's not the first time and you think he's telling you that much to try to get over his guilt because things went further then that's a different story.

I'd not be happy either way, but if the relationship is usually good and you feel he is genuinely remorseful and gave you full story then imo is not worth ending a happy marriage over.

StreetwiseHercules · 14/08/2022 23:31

BellePeppa · 14/08/2022 23:28

Really? So you would leave your husband, your marriage, your children would suffer from the split, the hassle of joint custody, the hassle of child support etc all because he had a drunken lap dance on a stag do?

Show quote history

Indeed. I would consider that to be far worse behaviour that having lap dance at a stag do or having a cock waved in your face at the Chippendales.

winterlilies · 14/08/2022 23:32

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PutinIsAWarCriminal · 14/08/2022 23:32

We all have different boundaries. If he knows that you aren't okay with this sort of thing, then he has broken a trust.
How would he feel if you got naked and gave a random bloke a lapdance, for example? I shouldn't imagine he would be okay with it. To me this is where the double standard is.
20 years ago lapdancing clubs were standard stag do behaviour, but now we know how many girls are trafficked in and that in many cases it's sexual slavery.
If the private dance was in the main room then its seedy, if it was in a private room then he cheated.

Whitehorsegirl · 14/08/2022 23:32

This was a stag do: lots of alcohol and a group of young men daring each other to do stupid things. Frankly I don't think I would get upset over this.

It would be different if he had a habit of visiting strip clubs or of paying for sex, that would be unacceptable.

Also remember this is a business for these women. They have no interest in your partner whatsoever, only in his wallet!

Do people really think that stag dos and hen nights don't routinely involve outrageous behaviour? Has anyone never been to places like Amsterdam and see what people get up to? in which case I think some people are living very sheltered lives....

StoneofDestiny · 14/08/2022 23:33

It's a bit of fun at a stag do

Its grim, sordid and low class all round. If a man can't enjoy himself without paying a sex worker it's pretty desperate.

AlwaysCommenting · 14/08/2022 23:33

Unless he touched her in a sexual way.

I worked with a man - for his 40th birthday he sat on a stage and 4 women gave him a group lap dance...all was going well but he made a foolish decision and leant forward and touched a dancer's breasts with his mouth. The dance stopped and she slapped him across the face...

He was recently married then & we found out soon after - he was having an open affair.....and his wife was pregnant - he was later sacked for showing his manhood to female co-workers.....

The lap dance by comparison was a small detail....his wife never knew a thing...

Judelawswife68 · 14/08/2022 23:34

OP, he only told you cos he's afraid one of the other stags would tell you.
I would be slightly pissed off so would rather not have known about it.

Discovereads · 14/08/2022 23:34

Do people really think that stag dos and hen nights don't routinely involve outrageous behaviour? Has anyone never been to places like Amsterdam and see what people get up to? in which case I think some people are living very sheltered lives....

Agree completely. It’s not a refined garden cocktail party with string quartet.

homarr · 14/08/2022 23:35

I would be gutted and feel like he had disrespected me but I would get over it in time.

StreetwiseHercules · 14/08/2022 23:36

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ked89 · 14/08/2022 23:36

Whitehorsegirl · 14/08/2022 23:32

This was a stag do: lots of alcohol and a group of young men daring each other to do stupid things. Frankly I don't think I would get upset over this.

It would be different if he had a habit of visiting strip clubs or of paying for sex, that would be unacceptable.

Also remember this is a business for these women. They have no interest in your partner whatsoever, only in his wallet!

Do people really think that stag dos and hen nights don't routinely involve outrageous behaviour? Has anyone never been to places like Amsterdam and see what people get up to? in which case I think some people are living very sheltered lives....

Not all stag and hen dos do. I went for a dinner and then went to see an ABBA musical. Didn't get drunk. Didn't feel hangover the next day. Didn't have anything I regretted. I was 29 on my hen do so hardly an old lady. Different people have different preferences for their stag and hen dos. Please don't put everyone in the same category. Also I find the whole idea of stag and hen dos wrong but that's a different thread altogether.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 14/08/2022 23:36

Only you can decide what how you feel about it. You know him, your relationship and how he treats you.

I wouldn't leave my partner over a one off lap dance on a stage do but that's just me. He's told you about it, rightly or wrongly I would be far more upset if he hadn't and I found out from someone else.

I don't understand the jealousy thing people are referring to either. She doesn't mean a thing to him, he doesn't care about her or having feelingsfor her. She was just there. I have zero reason to be jealous of a stripper and don't see why anyone would be.

ked89 · 14/08/2022 23:37

Discovereads · 14/08/2022 23:34

Do people really think that stag dos and hen nights don't routinely involve outrageous behaviour? Has anyone never been to places like Amsterdam and see what people get up to? in which case I think some people are living very sheltered lives....

Agree completely. It’s not a refined garden cocktail party with string quartet.

It can be!

SunnyD44 · 14/08/2022 23:37

I’ve not voted as this wouldn’t bother me personally but it’s ok for it to bother you.

Did he know before this happened that you would have a problem with it?

If he did then you are of course not BU but if he didn’t know you’d have an issue with it then YABU as he’s not a mind reader.

BellePeppa · 14/08/2022 23:40

StreetwiseHercules · 14/08/2022 23:31

Indeed. I would consider that to be far worse behaviour that having lap dance at a stag do or having a cock waved in your face at the Chippendales.

Show quote history

I went to a Male strip club once, years ago, with a bunch of female work mates. It wasn’t for me, I hated every second of it but the majority of the women absolutely loved it and were shrieking with joy at having these guys waving their dicks in their faces. These were all mainly married women, I doubt their husbands left them and broke up their families because of it.

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