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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband had a private lapdance

727 replies

Skye90 · 14/08/2022 22:07

On a stag do. Says he was so drunk he hardly remembers it. He wasn’t the only one but all the others are single.

Not sure how I feel about it tbh.

AIBU

OP posts:
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5
Boobsakimbo2 · 14/08/2022 22:47

I’d be posted right off if my DW pulled that stunt. The whole drunk/ don’t remember it thing is a ‘reason’ I’ve heard from many friends re their DHs ! The boys though, when they talk about it, seems like they were just have fun playing daddy big bollocks and remember pretty well…

UnicornMumcraft · 14/08/2022 22:47

The ‘meh, it’s a tradition thing’ really bugs me. There are plenty of things that are traditional (a huge number of which not so coincidentally have a negative impact on women) that are shit and should be done away with. I’ve been called a ‘cool wife’ on here on other topics but not on this. My husband knows my opinion, shares it, and I’d struggle to move on if he crossed that line (though quite frankly I’d be amazed!).

Viviennemary · 14/08/2022 22:49

It is so infantile and silly I don't think I could be too bothered beyond mild irritation.

Fancydancer1934 · 14/08/2022 22:50

Gardenerboo · 14/08/2022 22:16

Would be a dealbreaker for me.

Me too. Chose to be sexually arosed by another woman ie, not you. He'll be wanking on this for ages. And seeing her when he's fucking you. Absolute bastard.

toomuchlaundry · 14/08/2022 22:50

For the posters who think it is fine, what if the women have been trafficked? No moral objections there?

GG1986 · 14/08/2022 22:51

I'd be pissed off, but wouldn't be a dealbreaker.

LindyLily · 14/08/2022 22:51

Are the DPs on the other end of the dealbreaker comments aware their life partner already has caveats on their relationship?

ALL relationships with romantic partners contain caveats. I'm confused why you are surprised by this?

ked89 · 14/08/2022 22:53

P.S. I think what is clear from this thread is that many people have different opinions on the matter which is a very healthy thing. Don't be swayed one way or another- the emphasis isn't on what a bunch of us strangers think or what the norm is. It varies hugely depending on age, culture, previous experiences and preferences, sexuality and so on. Some people are more open to experiences and some are more conservative. Both are fine!

What is important is how you feel about it. How you are as a couple and what your ideas and values are. Though of course it's understandable that you have reached out to help you understand how you feel about it! Try and listen to your feelings and take time to work through them. Best of luck to you either ways.

CounsellorTroi · 14/08/2022 22:53

HappyHappyHermit · 14/08/2022 22:28

For me this would change everything, I don't think any truly decent man does this sort of thing, no matter how tempting it might be.

This. Decent men don’t go to strip clubs or lap dancing clubs.

Hopeandlove · 14/08/2022 22:56

Skye90 · 14/08/2022 22:07

On a stag do. Says he was so drunk he hardly remembers it. He wasn’t the only one but all the others are single.

Not sure how I feel about it tbh.

AIBU

Being drunk is not an excuse. Totally over the line and cheating with someone who he used as meat and paid for it. Disgusting

dmask · 14/08/2022 23:00

Absolutely does not matter what other people think. Are you annoyed? Do you think less of him? He couldn’t have been that drunk that he ordered and paid for a dance. If you’re both happy with each other paying for someone to erotically dance for them, then it’s not really a problem.

Discovereads · 14/08/2022 23:01

If a woman has sexual contact with a man when she is so drunk she hardly remembers it, it’s accepted she was not capable of consent and is a victim.

But when a man has sexual contact with a woman when he is so drunk he hardly remembers it, he’s a disgusting, cheating indecent bastard.

So why the double standard?

LottaLuxa · 14/08/2022 23:02

The "everyone else did it too", and "I was drunk so I don't really remember" make him sound like a child. I couldn't bear to be with someone who a) bases his choices on what his friends are doing; and b) pulls the "I was drunk" card. When did you last get drunk and pay a man to get his dick out, OP?

Though I couldn't bear to be in a relationship with the kind of man who goes to stag parties full stop, so I'm at the absolutely opposite end of the scale here.

LindyLily · 14/08/2022 23:03

Discovereads · 14/08/2022 23:01

If a woman has sexual contact with a man when she is so drunk she hardly remembers it, it’s accepted she was not capable of consent and is a victim.

But when a man has sexual contact with a woman when he is so drunk he hardly remembers it, he’s a disgusting, cheating indecent bastard.

So why the double standard?

What?

LottaLuxa · 14/08/2022 23:05

@Discovereads You missed out one quite crucial bit here. The man in this situation paid for a private lapdance. It would be hard to claim you are a victim if you've actively paid for the privilege. The same would be true if a drunk woman paid a man to swing his dick around under her nose.

ked89 · 14/08/2022 23:05

Discovereads · 14/08/2022 23:01

If a woman has sexual contact with a man when she is so drunk she hardly remembers it, it’s accepted she was not capable of consent and is a victim.

But when a man has sexual contact with a woman when he is so drunk he hardly remembers it, he’s a disgusting, cheating indecent bastard.

So why the double standard?

I understand the point you are trying to raise, but how does this help the OP? Too many threads here just move into completely different directions on this site.
On that subject however, OP could ask her husband if he felt in any way violated, did he feel he did not consent to it etc to establish what happened and signpost to further support.

Tanktop · 14/08/2022 23:06

Honestly couldn't and didn't care. Hubby's boss paid for lap dances for some of the guy at a works mens night out. All professionals so not your typical lads lads. I knew they were going to a lap bar and he told me as soon as he got home. I was more curious to find out what happened than annoyed. I am sure some of the other wives may have felt completely different about it but I didn't see it as a massive deal.

mummy2903 · 14/08/2022 23:07

Tell him boyyyy byeeeee

vroom321 · 14/08/2022 23:08

To be honest a few of the women on here saying it's a deal breaker. Odds are some have done it but won't let on.

Pumperthepumper · 14/08/2022 23:08

Tanktop · 14/08/2022 23:06

Honestly couldn't and didn't care. Hubby's boss paid for lap dances for some of the guy at a works mens night out. All professionals so not your typical lads lads. I knew they were going to a lap bar and he told me as soon as he got home. I was more curious to find out what happened than annoyed. I am sure some of the other wives may have felt completely different about it but I didn't see it as a massive deal.

What did the female employees get?

StreetwiseHercules · 14/08/2022 23:09

Broadswordcalling · 14/08/2022 22:11

Nope you are NBU. I would be furious and reconsidering my future. For me personally it steps over a line. I'm sure he wouldn't be happy if you had a dick swinging away in front of you would he.

I don’t think either case is a big deal, especially if both parties are secure in their relationship.

CounsellorTroi · 14/08/2022 23:09

Discovereads · 14/08/2022 23:01

If a woman has sexual contact with a man when she is so drunk she hardly remembers it, it’s accepted she was not capable of consent and is a victim.

But when a man has sexual contact with a woman when he is so drunk he hardly remembers it, he’s a disgusting, cheating indecent bastard.

So why the double standard?

So it’s the lap dancer’s fault for doing the lap dance while he was drunk? He must have been sober enough to get his wallet and credit card out.

Wombat100 · 14/08/2022 23:09

My husband had a private dance(s) at his stag and I dare say also when he’s been on other people’s stags. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest. It’s just not something that really registers with me.

Having said that - mine is a minority view; most of my friends would be very upset about it (which to my mind is ridiculous but to each their own).

So my point is- it doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks. He’s your husband and so it’s your personal feelings that you need to listen to x

Discovereads · 14/08/2022 23:09

LottaLuxa · 14/08/2022 23:05

@Discovereads You missed out one quite crucial bit here. The man in this situation paid for a private lapdance. It would be hard to claim you are a victim if you've actively paid for the privilege. The same would be true if a drunk woman paid a man to swing his dick around under her nose.

Are you sure about that? Never seen a drunk person parted from their money I gather?

Fairislefandango · 14/08/2022 23:10

To be honest a few of the women on here saying it's a deal breaker. Odds are some have done it but won't let on.

No doubt. People can only follow through on making it a deal breaker if they find out about it. Does that mean they should just give up on their principles and boundaries?