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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband had a private lapdance

727 replies

Skye90 · 14/08/2022 22:07

On a stag do. Says he was so drunk he hardly remembers it. He wasn’t the only one but all the others are single.

Not sure how I feel about it tbh.

AIBU

OP posts:
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5
Freckl · 14/08/2022 23:12

I would leave. Staying would prolong the inevitable as I would fall out of love with my DH eventually due to him viewing women as sex objects. Hideous behaviour.

StoneofDestiny · 14/08/2022 23:12

How can anybody suggest it being jealous if you expect higher standards from your husband than him getting blind drunk and buying sexual titillation from some sex worker they couldn't really care less about?

Its primitive and tragic all round.

secretllama · 14/08/2022 23:12

My husband had a private dance(s) at his stag and I dare say also when he’s been on other people’s stags. It doesn’t bother me in the slightest. It’s just not something that really registers with me.

Same. I just can't imagine in real life a friend telling me she'd left her husband over going to a strippers on a mates stag do.

StreetwiseHercules · 14/08/2022 23:12

LiarLiarKnickersAblaze · 14/08/2022 22:37

I am slightly perplexed at the volume of dealbreaker comments. It makes me feel sad there’s lots of relationships out there ready to be chucked out at a hypothetical scenario. Are the DPs on the other end of the dealbreaker comments aware their life partner already has caveats on their relationship? (Discounting DA scenarios, etc).

Most of them are just acting hard/showing off on the internet.

InTheFridge · 14/08/2022 23:14

With my 50 yr old head on, I'd be annoyed that he had used and exploited a sex worker.

With my 30 yr old head on, I'd be insanely jealous.

winterlilies · 14/08/2022 23:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ked89 · 14/08/2022 23:16

I think it's unfair to say people are showing off because their opinion is different to yours. Would I divorce my husband if he went to strip club? No, but it would most likely be the beginning of the end. But that has everything to do the trust we built and the ground rules and boundaries we both set early on.
Please remember that everyone is different. Some people are more open to sexuality, to different experiences etc and some are not. There is nothing wrong with either end of the spectrum. What matters is what the two people have agreed their boundaries are and if in that instance any trust is broken.

di2004 · 14/08/2022 23:17

For me, just setting foot in a strip club would be enough to put me off him. Don’t believe his excuses, send him on his way.

StreetwiseHercules · 14/08/2022 23:17

It’s just what I think. I don’t think fairness comes into it.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/08/2022 23:17

Grim.

Paying money for sexual services is not a consensual transaction. It’s doing it in the basis money is exchanged, it’s coercive. I wouldn’t touch a man with a shitty stick who thought that was ok

Discovereads · 14/08/2022 23:17

CounsellorTroi · 14/08/2022 23:09

So it’s the lap dancer’s fault for doing the lap dance while he was drunk? He must have been sober enough to get his wallet and credit card out.

Show quote history

Im not saying it’s anyones fault per se, but rather the presence of lots of alcohol is a mitigating factor that would have affected his capacity to consent.

So a woman “sober enough” to get her purse and card out to buy (yet another) drink for herself, is always not too drunk to consent to sexual contact with a man? That’s not the test for sobriety and you know it.

theworldhas · 14/08/2022 23:18

This. Decent men don’t go to strip clubs or lap dancing clubs.

Virtually every man, decent or otherwise, has done some fairly questionable shit at some point or other in their life. The only distinction is between those men who admit to it - be it with pride or embarrassment - and those who lie about it.

Tigofigo · 14/08/2022 23:18

Being drunk is no excuse for it. Don't get so pissed that you do things against your morals.

Personally I'd struggle to get past it. But that's partly because it's so not something my husband would ever do, that I'd question if I really knew him at all. I also don't like the idea of objectifying women sexually and the intimacy of a naked woman performing alone for my DH. Just ick.

sundayvibeswig22 · 14/08/2022 23:19

I wouldn't particularly like it if my dh did it but it wouldn't be a deal breaker and he did tell you about it. I've been to numerous hen do's where a stripper turned up and stripped fully right next to bride to be. Not my style (I was adamant I didn't want it) but I saw no harm in it.

theworldhas · 14/08/2022 23:19

Paying money for sexual services is not a consensual transaction.

Tell that to the millions of women who marry for money.

sundayvibeswig22 · 14/08/2022 23:20

Paying money for sexual services is not a consensual transaction.

Tell that to the millions of women who marry for money.

^^ or the men who have done the same. I know a few...

Discovereads · 14/08/2022 23:21

Pumperthepumper · 14/08/2022 22:34

They do the minimum they need to to get paid - so how could you possibly respect someone who pays them, knowing they wouldn’t do it otherwise?

Would you do your job if you weren’t paid to do it?

InquiringMinds · 14/08/2022 23:21

Broadswordcalling · 14/08/2022 22:11

Nope you are NBU. I would be furious and reconsidering my future. For me personally it steps over a line. I'm sure he wouldn't be happy if you had a dick swinging away in front of you would he.

@Skye90 this is how I feel too! When my ex fiancé and I were at Uni, he went to Holland on a stag weekend. He told me the same thing you were told, but it kept on bothering me as I felt betrayed! No man who truly respects there other half would do that! I am sorry this happened to you. I left the jerk who did this to me.

FangsForTheMemory · 14/08/2022 23:21

Because he paid.

Freckl · 14/08/2022 23:22

Are the DPs on the other end of the dealbreaker comments aware their life partner already has caveats on their relationship?

A romantic relationship does have caveats and loads of them 🙄

Cheating, gambling, whether to have kids or not, calling mw a C word, not supporting my career, being physically or verbally abusive to me, our pets or kids, getting so drunk he regularly shit the bed, lying about being made redundant, repeatedly not helping with the housework, deciding he wanted a sexless marriage... all of these "caveats" are reasons I'd leave DH, and we are in a very loving and mutually beneficial relationship. Using sex workers (and I personally visiting lap dancers in that definition) is just another "caveat" on a huge list.

The point is OP that it is ok to be anything from angry to jealous to totally non plussed by this situation. If you still don't know how you feel that is ok too.

MissTicPizza · 14/08/2022 23:22

I doesn't bother me at all. My DH had a couple of lap dances that his mates paid for on his stag do. He was very embarrassed by it but I wanted to know all about it as I was curious what it was like and what they did! I think he may have had one at another stag do at some point as well.

I'm astonished that people think it's cheating! A lap dance at a stag do is perfectly normal. I guess if your partner was going to lap dancing clubs regularly and not as part of a stag do/special occasion then that would be different. In the OP's situation I wouldn't give it a second thought!

Ohhhhladz · 14/08/2022 23:23

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

It's always a "LTB" situation if someone wants to leave their B. There's no universal rule book. No one is saying you and your partner have to leave each other because you've had lap dances, but hush with the condescending "like to claim". People who aren't you will prioritise, believe, do, say, think, and write things that you wouldn't. No amount of furious keyboard-banging will change it. 😀

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 14/08/2022 23:24

All the others aren't single, at least one is now married or very close to being married.

Pumperthepumper · 14/08/2022 23:25

Discovereads · 14/08/2022 23:21

Would you do your job if you weren’t paid to do it?

Show quote history

Yes. But my job doesn’t involve taking my clothes off in front of men who wouldn’t piss on me if I was on fire. Paying a woman for her body is not the actions of a decent human being.

Stylishkidintheriot · 14/08/2022 23:26

Personally I couldn’t get too upset at this; for me it’s not a ltb scenario. Would be a bit pissed off at the amount of money spent though