Husband had a private lapdance

[Skye90]

On a stag do. Says he was so drunk he hardly remembers it. He wasn’t the only one but all the others are single.

Not sure how I feel about it tbh.

AIBU

they're just saying they'd really rather their DH/DP not behave that way

No they’re not. That’s what several of us have said, and we were called ‘cool wives” for saying that.

They’re saying they not only don’t want their DH/DP to behave this way, they are also saying that a one off drunken error in judgement is a dealbreaker and advising the OP destroy her family by ending the marriage.

@Discovereads There is something inherently and obviously female about making up fake statistics to justify destroying the family stability your DC depend on. It’s almost selfish.

There is also something vile about a man that goes against his wife's wishes and employing a third party to satisfy his deviant sexual needs and then expecting his wife to "not destroy the family stability" and accept it. It makes the wife justifying his deviancy quite abhorrent and desperate to maintain a LTR, which you have knocked PPS as not being able to maintain (without justification or reason).

I think it's awful that you'd advocate your DDs to either become lap dancers or partners of men that abuse women.

I've drawn the conclusion that you're one of "those" wife or partner that's had to accept such awful treatment.

I sort of feel sorry for you, but your knocking of women that choose to have self respect or morals makes me judge you as totally selfish.

I wonder how the male half of the couple would feel about a shared dance with a male dancer?

@LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
There is also something vile about a man that goes against his wife's wishes and employing a third party to satisfy his deviant sexual needs and then expecting his wife to "not destroy the family stability" and accept it. It makes the wife justifying his deviancy quite abhorrent and desperate to maintain a LTR, which you have knocked PPS as not being able to maintain (without justification or reason).

First, a one off drunken lap dance isnt a “deviant sexual need”. Secondly, breaking up a family is a nuclear option for holding him accountable for a single mistake that he has genuinely regretted and apologised for (and is not in any way abuses. And yes I did say that if the women advising immediate breakup actually did this for everything on the same scale, I can’t imagine they’d have many LTRs. I stand by that statement. And btw, before I said that I had been knocked and questioned by prior posters regarding my relationships. So there is provocation and justification that if I’m knocked, I can knock back.

I think it's awful that you'd advocate your DDs to either become lap dancers or partners of men that abuse women.

Yes that would be awful if it were even remotely true but it’s not. It’s also batshit. Oh yes, I’d love for my DD to swing around a pole every night and go home to a raping, beating boyfriend! Who “advocates” for that!? No one ever! You are unhinged to even have written this about me.

I've drawn the conclusion that you're one of "those" wife or partner that's had to accept such awful treatment.

Your powers of deduction are truly underwhelming.

I sort of feel sorry for you, but your knocking of women that choose to have self respect or morals makes me judge you as totally selfish.

Yes the most selfish people are the ones caring more about their DC than their ego and pride taking a hit.

Didn't it used to be a tradition for men to have sex with a prostitute on their last night of freedom? Great - all harmless fun and a wonderful start to marriage. I'm an old bird now but if I ever get a proposal I'll be spending my last night of freedom ...... With my pals because I've got respect for my partner and SELF respect. It's not just sex if it upsets your partner. The exploitation aside.

First, a one off drunken lap dance isnt a “deviant sexual need”. Secondly, breaking up a family is a nuclear option for holding him accountable for a single mistake that he has genuinely regretted and apologised for (and is not in any way abuses. And yes I did say that if the women advising immediate breakup actually did this for everything on the same scale, I can’t imagine they’d have many LTRs. I stand by that statement. And btw, before I said that I had been knocked and questioned by prior posters regarding my relationships. So there is provocation and justification that if I’m knocked, I can knock back.

Stop the shit with you've not had many LTRs, you've done that previously! You're taking shit about people to suit your narrative. You've knocked other PPs.

It all starts with a "one off" doesn't it? It all starts with a single mistake, a single lap dance, a single hand job.

Yes that would be awful if it were even remotely true but it’s not. It’s also batshit. Oh yes, I’d love for my DD to swing around a pole every night and go home to a raping, beating boyfriend! Who “advocates” for that!? No one ever! You are unhinged to even have written this about

But it's ok for you mr DH to degrade other peoples daughter and you turn a blind eye because it makes your like easier

Yes the most selfish people are the ones caring more about their DC than their ego and pride taking a hit.

Care about other peoples DCs and then when yours are lap dancers, they may care about yours?

If every woman drew a hard line of no your not going to abuse other women, in the name of fun and didn't leave it for others to do, maybe no women would have to endure it?

But meanwhile you let your DH/DP and ignore it because currently it's best for your DD?

Shameful.

Start standing up to your partner and stop playing along.

Previous poster said her and DH were laughing about strippers, bet they wouldn't be fucking laughing if it wax their DD!

Vile!

And if top of all that @Discovereads I'm sure the "dancers" always say it's a one off to pay a bill or settle a debt....

Hope you're still happy with your DP wanking over that and you ignoring it!!

Just…no. I don’t even need to reply to that. 🤪

@Discovereads of course you don't... it's must easier to ignore and save your Life and DCs!

Sod everyone's DDs, and potentially yours!

*lifestyle

You had it right the with first post. Being a bit forgiving can be lifesaver for the DC. And there’s a lot of options between “ignore” and “divorce”

Long-term effects of parental divorce on mental health - A meta-analysis

In total 54 studies were included in the meta-analysis resulting in 117 effect sizes as well as a total sample of 506,299 participants. A significant association between parental divorce and every aspect of mental health was found with the following pooled ORs (95% CIs): Depression 1.29 (1.23-1.35), anxiety 1.12 (1.04-1.12), suicide attempt 1.35 (1.26-1.44), suicidal ideation 1.48 (1.43-1.54), distress 1.48 (1.37-1.6), alcohol 1.43 (1.34-1.53), smoking 1.64 (1.57-1.72) and drugs 1.45 (1.44-1.46) could be estimated.

pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31622869/

”You've knocked other PPs.”
Youve said far worse to me than I have with my one comment of re some women and how many LTRs they may or may not have had. You’ve even knocked other posters with your own “some women” comment. So it’s a bit rich for you to think you have any higher moral ground here.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL · 15/08/2022 21:17
@Discovereads I know your naïve but come on! Sometimes you have to set your own boundaries and say I'm not putting up with your sexual needs upstaging my feelings. Some women do it much better than others, clearly.

( calling me naive and implying I have terrible boundaries)

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL · 15/08/2022 21:37
Which explains why you think lap dancers should be treated as they are!
They're just their to give you/your partner sexual gratification.

(also to me, insinuating I advocate the abuse of women and my DH and I go to strip clubs)

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL · Yesterday 23:15
I think it's awful that you'd advocate your DDs to either become lap dancers or partners of men that abuse women. I've drawn the conclusion that you're one of "those" wife or partner that's had to accept such awful treatment.

( again some really nasty insinuations about me and my family).

“But it's ok for you mr DH to degrade other peoples daughter and you turn a blind eye because it makes your like easier”

You're taking shit about me to suit your narrative

“Care about other peoples DCs and then when yours are lap dancers, they may care about yours?”

You're taking shit about me to suit your narrative

“But meanwhile you let your DH/DP and ignore it because currently it's best for your DD?”

You're taking shit about me to suit your narrative

there think that covers the rest of your “points”

"said he regretted it the minute he got out, will never happen again etc"

Haha yeah right.
And the fact he was "too drunk "to remember it properly.. haha yeah right too.

You do realise that every time he goes out now
or
. On a stag due, you will be sad angry and insecure if it is going to happen again
And wondering why he did it. And wondering if it turned him on....

Its not inherently female though, is it? We don't need stats, real or otherwise, to know that for all sorts of reasons, children's welfare being just one of them, women are generally highly invested in maintaining the family unit. Whatever your experience with a woman has taught you @Discovereads women typically don't leave the security and stability of a relationship for no good reason, to carry the burden of dependent children alone.
You can spend as long as you like justifying your desire to use strip clubs, but you won't change the minds of women who see it as a deal breaker. You, and the other men who want to use them will just have to come to terms with that, and accept that unless you can control yourselves, you won't be able to remain in a relationship with women who feel this way.

I have no desire to use strip clubs, nor do I or my DH use them. I’m not justifying the use of strip clubs. I don’t even like the tradition of stag/hen dos.

I would ask that though that you and others stop making up awful shit like this about me or what I’ve said.

My point has always been it is bad to go to a strip club as a drunken one off on a stag do, but it’s not so bad it would be a dealbreaker to me.

Statistics on the effects of divorce are very useful in making a judgement call in terms of risk of such a decision to everyone involved especially the innocent children. I’m all about informed decision making and while yes you can make decisions without statistics if you want to, it can only be to the advantage of women to make such a major life decision with more facts rather than fewer facts in their possession.

Maybe the men who use strip clubs should think about their children too

Imagine!

But still on here you get men and women saying the "woman" split up the family because she wasn't subservient enough to bow down to accepting his actions.

This type of attitude keeps women well in their place and is awful in 2022, women still have to accept this shite.

Will it ever end?

If it wouldn't be a deal breaker for you, that's entirely your perogative. However I'm assuming that some 'drunken one offs' might be? Sex with a friend of yours? Violence? Drink driving? Taking drugs? Being abusive to your mother? Blowing the mortgage money on a horse? Maybe you could forgive some or all of these things too. Maybe you couldn't, but others could.
The point is, no matter how much a woman may want to maintain her family unit, there will be some things that she simply can't condone, that make her view her partner in a different light, that destroy trust, and there will be differences in opinion as to what these actions are.
Just as you are entitled to overlook a drunken lap dance, others are entitled not to. It doesn't make them anymore selfish or less caring of their children than someone who can't overlook drug use or a one night stand.

Well, clearly it doesn’t happen then 🙄** 🤷‍♀️

You asked if people had ever seen male strippers, etc.
I answered that I hadn't and neither had those in my friendship group.

I didn't say no women ever see them. I said I hadn't.

Clearly some women go and see them else they wouldn't exist. I would rather they didn't exist tbh and cringe when you see videos of some women behaving in certain ways when watching them.
However, I also don't believe male strippers are 'as bad as' female strip clubs and lap dancing bars. There is a reduced risk of those men being taken advantage of and being vulnerable to abuse. I've never heard of a male lap dancing bar offering women private lap dances - maybe they exist, but they certainly aren't anywhere near as common as female ones.

Has the OP been back? Job done.

wouldn't happen though. the female gender has way more power and energy

Haha all the silly people saying you should leave him and throw away your life together. Just because the feel insecure with themselves it doesn’t mean you should. It was just a lap dance. Don’t make a big thing of it. There’s bigger problems in the world. At least he was honest to tell you about it. Move on with your life..

It's very funny that you think the women who have strong boundaries and principles about this are 'insecure with themselves', rather than the women who want to hang onto their man in spite of his sleazy behaviour.

If I dumped a man for something like this, it would not be because I was in any way insecure. As if I'd feel threatened by some lapdancer . It would be because I am would not lower myself to being with a man who thought this was an ok way to behave.

I have never said either way whether you should or shouldn't break up over it.

But 100% you're entitled to be angry, and if that anger is enough to break a couple up then that's their choice, nothing silly about it. Why put up with behaviour you detest in fear of looking 'silly?'.

It's gross and goes against the values of a comitted relationship, and I personally would not be able to look at my partner the same way. Nothing to do with being insecure...how far can you take that? ...should I be ok with him hiring a hooker because its fine because I'm so secure with myself?

If they break up over this the only one responsible is the man.