Husband had a private lapdance

[Skye90]

On a stag do. Says he was so drunk he hardly remembers it. He wasn’t the only one but all the others are single.

Not sure how I feel about it tbh.

AIBU

Grubby 🤢

He was honest and told me when he got back. He’s apologised and said he regretted it the minute he got out, will never happen again etc

Ive asked him to give me some space as I do feel hurt just now, it’s the lack of respect for me, our marriage and the idea of him and another woman (topless/naked) alone in a room makes me shudder.

This would be a deal breaker for me. Don't know if I could get past it.
Probably not.

How did you find out? I wouldn’t consider it cheating or a dealbreaker at all, particularly if he told you himself. It’s not being a “cool wife”. It’s just perspective.

Crossposted.

@Skye90 i think this says it all, it’s about how YOU feel about it and as you can see on this thread lots of people feel differently. He told you, he apologises and has said he won’t do it again - perhaps a conversation about how practically with his single mates does he pull out of scenarios like this in the future.

good luck to you both op x

Ach, if that’s it and you have no other areas of concern, I wouldn’t get worked up about it. It’s standard stag do behaviour. Women also go to make stripper events. It’s not admirable but as a drunken one off it’s not a huge deal.

They aren’t necessarily fully naked and they do not (unless you pay a lot extra and the place allows it and many don’t @QuandaleDingle ) grind their arses anywhere, why the fuck would they? They do the minimum they need to to get paid.

How's the rest of your relationship? If this is a 1-off, he realises he screwed up so please try to move on. If you're a flakey couple, only you can decide if this is the straw to break the camel's back.
For what it's worth, a surprisingly high proportion of (mainly younger) men endulge in lap dancing clubs so perhaps he was suckered in.

They do the minimum they need to to get paid - so how could you possibly respect someone who pays them, knowing they wouldn’t do it otherwise?

I wouldn't be overly impressed but it wouldn't affect our relationship;tbh I'd probably take the Micky out of him and tell him to imagine the amount of other men the lap dancers sweaty bits must have been dangled in their faces too that night.

Aside from all of the above comments which I agree with I think I’d also be really upset about him spending OUR money somewhere that goes against female empowerment and equality. You never know maybe before the lap dance he had a nice chat with the girl and confirmed that she wasn’t being exploited - maybe she was the rare case of a young lady who lapdances despite having many other option just cos she loves it so much 🫤: I’d be really upset to think my DH was part of something exploitative and seedy - would make me question how well I knew him.

I have many stripper friends and I’m a no. He paid for that private dance.

Well if you don't know how you feel what do you want from this?

For some it's a deal breaker

For others it's fine

It depends on your personal boundaries on this issue

For me personally a private dance would be too far and a dealbreaker for me. Just going to a strip club I wouldn't get too worked up about

But then again DH is more against them than I am, so not sure how much I'd be ok with it, if it was a realistic issue.

I am slightly perplexed at the volume of dealbreaker comments. It makes me feel sad there’s lots of relationships out there ready to be chucked out at a hypothetical scenario. Are the DPs on the other end of the dealbreaker comments aware their life partner already has caveats on their relationship? (Discounting DA scenarios, etc).

Wouldn't bother me at all

DP goes to lap dancing clubs with clients / work related shit

He tells me he's been, I don't ask if he has a private dance because I don't really care

No, it’s a case of not wanting a fully naked girl/woman dancing and grinding on your husband/partner and shoving her privates right in his face.

Personally I'd feel betrayed but would eventually get past it I think - only you know really 💐

Its cheating in my book and is a deal breaker. Plus a man willing to purchase a woman's body is so unattractive.

I think the cool wives club are just insecure in themselves.

Actually on reflection if it was private I think it would be a deal breaker tbh 😓

He’s been completely upfront about it, it was purely situational, he’s not presumably going on a lot of stag dos/to strip clubs on normal evenings. In my younger foolish days we would often end a party evening at a strip club and in Vegas we did all of them as a tourist thing as a mixed sex group and I really don’t think there is cause to worry or be threatened, they’re professional women and it’s really not an intimate setting, it really is just a laugh most of the time, particularly if you are in a big group.

I think you can be a bit peeved but ultimately it’s better for your relationship to just forgive and move on. No one in real life is leaving their husband because of something like this.

I’m in the no drama club with this one, sounds like it was a heat of the moment thing which he regretted and apologised for immediately

I'm not one of the "cool ones" either, I would look at it as cheating. We had a conversation about stag dos early in our relationship and both agreed that neither of us would go to a place with female or male strippers. That was a rule for our hen and stag dos and our friends ones.

However, what really matters here is how you feel, whether you had had a conversation about this before and was any trust broken, what your boundaries are etc.
all I can say I feel for you, a very difficult situation to be in. Take your time to listen to your feelings and heal.

It's just gross.

Getting sexual (in person) gratification from someone else when you're in a comitted relationship and fucking PAYING FOR IT is just wrong.

What is wrong with people that think this is OK??
I honestly despair.