For not pulling my weight

[Starlightstarbrights]

DH and I are currently staying at his parents’ second home, which is in a remote part of a popular tourist destination. Ever since we first got together, we come for a week in August and it’s always just us. We laze around, go down to the beach, go out for dinner or buy something we can shove in the oven and just generally chill.

This year, his parents have been here since the start of July. I don’t know if they discussed it or he simply assumed, but DH thought they would go back home when we arrived, but they’ve haven’t. They’re staying here for our entire stay and we will all head back to our respective homes next week. It genuinely doesn’t bother me that they’re here as I like his parents and I get on well with them. It just means we don’t have the privacy for some intimacy but that’s ok, DC doesn’t spend enough time with paternal grandparents as it is so I’m glad they’re spending that time together.

However, I’m still treating the place as I usually do when we’re on holiday here, which is lazing around, only superficially tidying up after meals and not cooking. We always spend our last day doing a good clean before we leave, which is why I’m not cleaning and we don’t really cook when we stay here, which is why I’m not getting up to cook meals (apart from meals for DC). We’ve had a very stressful and exhausting few months so we needed the downtime, and DH is helping his mum with cooking.

I didn’t see anything wrong with it and DH knows how exhausted I am with DC (been very unwell recently, doesn’t sleep well, very clingy) so he’s happy for me to take it easy. I also don’t think our annual weekly relaxing stay shouldn’t be relaxing because my in laws are now here.

However, I assume MIL must have said something to my SIL, as she text me asking me to help out more, that her mum is getting older and shouldn’t be taking care of us whilst I sit on my arse. I don’t get on with SIL at all, which is why she feels she can text me that. I haven’t responded and don’t plan to but should I be doing more? As I mentioned, DH is helping with the cooking and I am still cleaning up after DC, and the one who is waking up every hour over night. DH doesn’t object at all, and this week away was so overdue I simply don’t want to spend it as though we’re guests.

Is your husband helping out? I assume SIL sent the same message to her brother. His mother shouldn’t be taking care of you though and if they’re there in their own home then you should be treating it as they treat it and you should all be pulling your weight equally.

I know what you mean but it is their house, and they are there, so I don’t think it’s right for you to just not clean at all till the last day. Obviously his parents will be doing it in the meantime and you (and your DH) should do something to contribute.

Its fine to say you’ll sit in mess all week and clean at the end when there on your own, but you aren’t.

meh - if MIL wants help she can ask her son. And if he wants OP to help he can ask her.
And SIL (who is presumably nowhere near the place) can keep her neb out.

Yeah I think you (as a couple) are being unreasonable. Annoying that you didn't know they would be there but it's their home and it's not fair for it to be left messy just because that's what the pair of you would do if you were there solo. You aren't. Why isn't your husband doing more? What did he say to the message from SIL?

I agree with this. It is their house, which they are kindly letting you use.

Maybe this is a communication issue? Do they know that you normally do a big tidy on they last day rather then add you go along? If this have be communicated to then I can see why they might be unimpressed, feeling you are just leaving it for them.

But you are guests. Clearly they see it as their home and treat it as such. I'd be pretty pee'd off if I had guests who didn't offer to help whilst staying for a week or so, particularly if kids are involved which tends to create more mess.

Could you not just ask if there's anything she'd like you to do? Surely that's just good manners. And I include your DH in that

So to clarify, DH is doing plenty, and between you you're keeping it reasonably tidy? What more would your mil be expecting? Is she tidying thoroughly every day, making cups of tea for you etc?

Yanbu

Also sounds like you have a very little one of you're up a lot in the night.

Just to clarify, DH is definitely helping out. He’s cooked a couple of evenings and helps his mum with cooking when she’s taking the lead.

I am also tidying up after DC - so clearing up the toys throughout the day, cleaning the floor after a meal, clearing everything away after a bath.

But I’ve not cooked at all for anyone apart from DC. And it’s more the general cleaning throughout the day - the kitchen after a meal, crumps from the living room floor (when it’s not DC’s mess. When it’s DC’s mess, I clean it up).

SIL obviously messaged just me rather than DH because it’s me that she has an issue with. But I did worry she has a point, which does seem to be the case.

You're being rude.

This (for whatever reason) is not like your normal holiday, as the elderly house owners are with you.

Clean up the crumbs for God sake, it'd take a minute.

Also sounds like you have a very little one of you're up a lot in the night

Not very little, under two years old. But very unwell lately with a hospital stay and struggling to adapt to new place. So very unsettled at the moment.

The two of you need to get up off your arses and clean up after you. You are staying for free in their holiday home and you are being slobs. The mother MUST have complained for the sis in law to text you. Have some manners!

Depends on age I think, my grandmother was horrified DH cooked made tea, changed nappies, played with the kids and would declare it’s not a man’s job! I wouldn’t be surprised if this is more about DH doing ALL the work and less about the general lazy holiday.

You're doing the night shift. You can't do the day shift as well.

Just be aware that if they think you're being disrespectful to their property/belongings they are well within their rights to not give you a free holiday every year so it might just be worth sucking it up

Honestly - you are staying in their home ( for free I assume) and MIL probably feels obliged to treat you as guests, since she's there. So it's relaxing for you and a job for her. Get off your butt and cook them a meal and clean it all up afterwards. She probably doesn't like the idea of having to do a huge clean up on the last day, even though you have no problem with that. So yes, I think you should be a bit more respectful of the fact you are in their home with them, even though normally you can do what you want there as ILs are elsewhere.

You’ve mentioned your DH is helping with the cooking but what about the cleaning? Who is clearing/washing up after you’ve eaten?

And if you’re up every hour in the night your DH should be doing more to help clear up after the children (and frankly should be anyway)

And I'm sorry about unwell DC, but I do think you can still chip in, in between time off!

Why don't you do more of what you usually do - I.e. go out for dinner/convenience food - so you take care of some of the meals but don't need to cook.

The level of cleaning up you're doing sounds fine TBH but I don't have super high standards!

I'd go home. I cant be doing with that kind of pressure on holiday. Older people an be really set in their ways and insist on three meals a day and everything I'm.aculate at all times. Put children and a baby into that and it's a nightmare.

Yes, YABU. It's their house, they are entitled to be there, but it's not fair that the burden of looking after you is falling to MIL.

It is up to DH to negotiate that though, it's a bit nasty for the message to come via SIL.

Although it sounds like there is no love lost there so maybe that is influencing how you feel about it.

Instead of getting defensive, I would just ask DH to engage in constructive discussions around ground rules and what might be helpful for you to do to help.

I agree with this. It's about the poor man being made to do domestic work.

Also - this is why staying with parents in law isn't a holiday really, cesp with little ones.

It's a very politically dynamic, not necessarily relaxing.

MIL shouldn’t be looking after you - you shouldn’t be part of her wifework in any way .

Either your husband steps up or you do. Maybe you could just talk to her straight which shouldn’t be that difficult if you get on?

Self catering for mums [generally] means same shit different kitchen. YANBU to buck that trend and relax on your holiday. They moved the goalposts, not you. Next year if it's likely to happen again and if you can, go all inclusive and have a real rest.

It’s annoying because it’s not what you had planned, but it is what it is now. They are there and it is their house. So YABU. Although I agree, it’s more your DH’s problem than yours.