For not pulling my weight

[Starlightstarbrights]

DH and I are currently staying at his parents’ second home, which is in a remote part of a popular tourist destination. Ever since we first got together, we come for a week in August and it’s always just us. We laze around, go down to the beach, go out for dinner or buy something we can shove in the oven and just generally chill.

This year, his parents have been here since the start of July. I don’t know if they discussed it or he simply assumed, but DH thought they would go back home when we arrived, but they’ve haven’t. They’re staying here for our entire stay and we will all head back to our respective homes next week. It genuinely doesn’t bother me that they’re here as I like his parents and I get on well with them. It just means we don’t have the privacy for some intimacy but that’s ok, DC doesn’t spend enough time with paternal grandparents as it is so I’m glad they’re spending that time together.

However, I’m still treating the place as I usually do when we’re on holiday here, which is lazing around, only superficially tidying up after meals and not cooking. We always spend our last day doing a good clean before we leave, which is why I’m not cleaning and we don’t really cook when we stay here, which is why I’m not getting up to cook meals (apart from meals for DC). We’ve had a very stressful and exhausting few months so we needed the downtime, and DH is helping his mum with cooking.

I didn’t see anything wrong with it and DH knows how exhausted I am with DC (been very unwell recently, doesn’t sleep well, very clingy) so he’s happy for me to take it easy. I also don’t think our annual weekly relaxing stay shouldn’t be relaxing because my in laws are now here.

However, I assume MIL must have said something to my SIL, as she text me asking me to help out more, that her mum is getting older and shouldn’t be taking care of us whilst I sit on my arse. I don’t get on with SIL at all, which is why she feels she can text me that. I haven’t responded and don’t plan to but should I be doing more? As I mentioned, DH is helping with the cooking and I am still cleaning up after DC, and the one who is waking up every hour over night. DH doesn’t object at all, and this week away was so overdue I simply don’t want to spend it as though we’re guests.

Agree. I bet the OP is doing more than FIL but her SIL wouldn't dream of texting him

What’s FIL doing?

importsnt sitting around work?

Just read she messaged you and not your DH

yeah it’s because you’re not womaning properly

id reply to say that you’ve passed the message on to DH

I'd be annoyed and unable to relax if the house is not properly clean and tidy, and your MIL is probably like this too. It's her house, you really should make an effort.

It’s THEIR house. You sound entitled and rude. Apart from cleaning up properly you should see if there is any maintenance you could do as a thank you for staying there for free every year.

Quite

@OctopusBreath @Muddypigeon why is this for the op to sort and not her op - ie the son and brother???

Have a conversation with mil to clear the air.

If you usually go out for dinner or buy something "to shove in the oven" then invite pils along to eat out, or buy something easy and cook it for everyone.

Explain what you usually do for dinner on holiday. You could still go out for dinner and give pils a break.

Maybe you're not the only one who needs a rest. It's very hot and presumably mil is much older than you and feeling tired too.

I would not advise holidaying together in future. There seems to be massive communication issues with all of you!

At the moment you're eating the meals prepared for you and not helping clear up.

I can see why mil feels this is unfair.

I think you as a couple are doing your bit and no wonder you haven't any energy if you are up every hour overnight. Nothing whatsoever to do with SIL, no reply is the best reply to that!

It’s for both of them just as much obviously.

the only direct communicating about this I'd be doing with MIL is "why did you whine to your daughter and not your son? or me" and then I'd carry on doing what i'd been doing before.

If your MIL or DH is cooking all the meals, who is clearing them away? Washing up?

YANBU. I think if your PIL have an issue they should speak to you directly, not send a message via SIL. But it's their house and they are there too, so probably the only way to avoid it in future is to book somewhere else. You'll pay more but can do what you like!

I think cleaning up after meals and cleaning crumbs up is pretty important in the environment. We're in a family holiday home at the moment and if you don't clean up the kitchen after meals, we get ants and mice and things. I keep the kitchen here cleaner than at home. It's obviously not just up to you at all but sounds like you and DH need to pitch in more and, if there's mess in front of you, clean it up.

Just be honest. Explain that you expected to be on your own and how you use the time to unwind every year. Say that you are exhausted after DC's illness and had planned to recharge your batteries.

Mention what SiL has said to you and that you didn't realise that you were now expected to do cooking and cleaning.

There's no point in simmering about it. Get it out in the open.

I also think it changes it hugely if they are there, and if that’s the case you all need to pitch in. So yes you are being unreasonable

If they're there you're their guest and this isn't your normal holiday.

I think you'd come across as incredibly selfish and entitled to expect presumably free accommodation and also be waited on.

Get DH to help out with the night shifts.

It’s not just meal prep though is it. Are they hosting you? Who made up the beds? Who bought the food? Who makes the teas / coffees / G&Ts? Who puts the bins out? Washes up? Who will strip the beds and wash the towels when you’re done? I definitely would have been disappointed by the change in circumstances but you’ve obviously put them in a situation where they feel a bit miffed about the lack of contribution. Whether it’s about you specifically or the pair of you who knows but they obviously felt they couldn’t address you directly about that. I certainly hope you’ve got a table booked in a nice restaurant to thank them for their hospitality.

I think it should have been made more upfront that they were going to be staying on. But yes you probably do both need to do more as it's not like previous years.

I think under the circumstances where your in laws are actually there with you in their home, then you need compromise and not just please yourself all the time. I appreciate that is not how you usually spend this holiday but people usually adapt to circumstance in order to get on amicably .

I think you're being an ungrateful cf tbh, they're allowing you to use their holiday home for free. The least you can do is clean up and cook at least one meal as a grateful guest. It's not your home, it's someone else's and you're treating it like your own.

And I agree with a PP.

If you're happy to come across as bone idle while everyone else pulls their weight, you're very unlikely to be allowed to use their home again.

If you’re eating the meals that your DH and DM are cooking, you could be doing the cleaning up afterwards. It’s rude to expect them to do both the cooking and the clearing.

Your DH needs to do more cleaning. It sounds like he's cooking, but is he helping clear up, doing the dishwasher, cleaning bathrooms and running the hoover round? Or is MIL doing this all?

I agree with pp that it is different to when you're there by yourself and if MIL is having to do additional cleaning (or just has higher standards), then unfortunately you either have to help out or go home. But if you're up with LO and your DH is happy for you to have a rest (which is lovely), he needs to step up and help his mum.

I agree SIL messaging you is annoying. I'd go back to her and tell her to contact her brother if she has a problem.

I’d just go home
Doesn’t sound fun or relaxing and I wouldn’t be able to be around MIL and play happy families after she’d text someone else slagging me off if I were you