For not pulling my weight

[Starlightstarbrights]

DH and I are currently staying at his parents’ second home, which is in a remote part of a popular tourist destination. Ever since we first got together, we come for a week in August and it’s always just us. We laze around, go down to the beach, go out for dinner or buy something we can shove in the oven and just generally chill.

This year, his parents have been here since the start of July. I don’t know if they discussed it or he simply assumed, but DH thought they would go back home when we arrived, but they’ve haven’t. They’re staying here for our entire stay and we will all head back to our respective homes next week. It genuinely doesn’t bother me that they’re here as I like his parents and I get on well with them. It just means we don’t have the privacy for some intimacy but that’s ok, DC doesn’t spend enough time with paternal grandparents as it is so I’m glad they’re spending that time together.

However, I’m still treating the place as I usually do when we’re on holiday here, which is lazing around, only superficially tidying up after meals and not cooking. We always spend our last day doing a good clean before we leave, which is why I’m not cleaning and we don’t really cook when we stay here, which is why I’m not getting up to cook meals (apart from meals for DC). We’ve had a very stressful and exhausting few months so we needed the downtime, and DH is helping his mum with cooking.

I didn’t see anything wrong with it and DH knows how exhausted I am with DC (been very unwell recently, doesn’t sleep well, very clingy) so he’s happy for me to take it easy. I also don’t think our annual weekly relaxing stay shouldn’t be relaxing because my in laws are now here.

However, I assume MIL must have said something to my SIL, as she text me asking me to help out more, that her mum is getting older and shouldn’t be taking care of us whilst I sit on my arse. I don’t get on with SIL at all, which is why she feels she can text me that. I haven’t responded and don’t plan to but should I be doing more? As I mentioned, DH is helping with the cooking and I am still cleaning up after DC, and the one who is waking up every hour over night. DH doesn’t object at all, and this week away was so overdue I simply don’t want to spend it as though we’re guests.

I also think PILs are rude for offering a week at the house for their DS and DIL to have a holiday and then turning up as well.

Regardless of the fact it is free and it's also their home, how can they not see that it's not a holiday any more if they are there?

If that was my son and his wife, I wouldn't be turning up to spoil his holiday dynamic. If I was too tone deaf to appreciate this and turned up anyway, I'd be bloody spoiling them rotten.

Are you really blaming MIL for expecting people to clean up after themselves and cook a couple of meals or even just a little bit of gratitude when she's giving them regular free holiday accommodation?

Perhaps both MIL and FIL can help out a bit seeing as their son had a young family with a DC awake a lot at night. What kind of gratitude should they expect? They should be grateful for the family time.

I'd be telling the SIL to feck right off and then I'd be bringing that text up in front of DH and the IL's.

Clearly your MIL has been whinging and thinks your DH should be sitting with his feet up and doing sweet FA like his Dad. All very 1950's, especially as you're the one who's been getting up all hours of the night with your sick DC.

Your DH needs to help you shut this down, OP. This is YOUR holiday too.

MIL has been waiting on them and clearing up after them.

OP's having a free holiday. She'd find things easier if her DH was helping with nights.

Message SIL ‘thanks, I’ll forward your message to dh. He’s doing all the housework on behalf of our family this trip.’

i had something VERY similar, complaints from the top female of the household on holiday. I did loads, but not obviously and was desperately sick (which they knew) with pregnancy sickness so went to bed early every night. No complaints about the men of the household of course! It’s misogyny.

Tbh this is exactly why it's a nightmare accepting things from people - money, favours holidays - can make for exactly this sort of awkward situation.
I do think it's a bit unfair for the PIL to have unexpectedly hung about and then complained that you're holidaying wrong.

This.

I bet it's because your dh is doing it and not you. My MIL proclaims herself a feminist and yet still thinks I don't do enough childcare/cleaning/shopping and her son is a saint...she fails to recognise it's all 50/50 in our household with the exception of who earns more (which is me by a long chalk). I'd guess this is what's going on with your MIL.

As for SIL I'd text her back saying you've forwarded her message on to your dh as that's who it was obviously for...cheeky fucker.

The in laws were already there.

Kind of them to let you stay but wouldn't go again if they were also staying, not so much of a holiday for you. Had similar recently staying with MIL for a few weeks between house moves ( no affordable/available alternative as it is peak season). We paid towards bills/food, alternated days for cooking, cleaned up after ourselves. She hated me being in the kitchen, would hover behind me, rearrange anything I touched, refused all my offers to do laundry, help with cleaning etc. I can only imagine my SIL was told all about how idle I am (DH was working full time).

I'd go home or book somewhere else. That is not a holiday, that is staying with relatives. There are different expectations.

So DH is putting in effort and FiL is doing nothing, and MiL “hosts” you and FiL to her standards but expects you to step up and be part of the effort even though FiL does nothing?. But it’s you your MiL has moaned about to SiL and you SiL has badgered?

It sounds like this is mainly good old fashioned sexism at work. Your MiL was probably hoping, with another woman there, that she wouldn’t have to do quite as much work and is disappointed and a little shocked that DH is helping out instead. She may feel more uncomfortable having him do chores than she would you. Seeing you sitting around might challenge her world view a bit. But it may also be that she’s resentful of FiL and you doing the same just rubs it all in a bit more, but she can moan about you without jeopardizing her marriage, not so much FiL. In any case, it’s their home, you want a good relationship with them, You shouldn’t just ignore this.

I would have a word with MiL. Tell her SiL has contacted you so you’ve obviously upset her and your sorry about that. Tell her this is what you normally do on holiday but you hadn’t really thought about how it might upset her and ask if there’s a way to make it up, like hiring a cleaner for an afternoon or taking her out for a meal. Try to make your offers as work free for the two of you as possible.

@Clymene Yeah, I knew they were already there for well over a month. It's the point that they're invading the holiday they offered to their son.

It’s a shame they are there and I suppose that means you can’t do what you usually do. However if DH is helping with the cooking on behalf of you as a couple then it is none of SIL business whether it is you or your DH who is helping - you have decided between you.

They may have said oh my my poor son does all the work while she sits around. However they don’t know that you are taking a break from doing the usual day to day stuff. I wouldn’t worry as long as you are not leaving a load of mess.

It's their house. Even the OP doesn't seem to know if there was a conversation about them still being there when her and her family arrived.

Issue is,usually you’d have the down time to relax and as you say on last day big clean
however this holiday has got a different dynamic

1. it’s their holiday home


2. your in laws are resident and present and they have different expectations regard day to day tidiness

So on balance you are being (slightly) unreasonable

People holiday in different ways. And if it is 'their house' even a second house, makes it different from a holiday anyway. I've been through this with my dad and his wife - including the misogyny.

I would do two things.

1. I would have DH sit his parents down this evening and explain how you holiday when alone AND the issues that mean you are not doing much (and that he fully supports this.), and mentioning that he is unimpressed with the bitching to SIL.
2. Look to leaving early and getting some holiday space for the 3 of you tonactually relax - even if this actually means having your take out etc at home.

I think it was a bit rude of them not to make it clear they were staying when this is not the 'norm'. It's not a favour or a holiday if their expectations (which have been dumped on you, not agreed in advance) make it too uncomfortable for you to relax. In not saying anything they've denied you the choice to opt out and make other plans.

Id show mil the text from sil and say you don't appreciate this - please can she speak to you directly. Explain how you normally do things this week and that you aren't expecting mil to cook for you/wait on you. I do think you should have been offering to get in takeaways or eat out if mil has been cooking and clearing up after meals.

I would honestly leave, it's not a holiday now

Just go home and lazy about there. You'll never feel relaxed staying there with them now that this happened.

The problem is that you see it as your holiday and downtime but they don't - they see it as you're staying in their home and not pulling your weight. But I agree it should be your dh doing the daytime labour, not you.

Id leave, sounds too stressful - and your SIL is a shit-stirring bitch. Also your MIL slagging you off behind your back and probably giving her son a free pass - not nice.

I would put money on it that if it were you helping MIL with the cooking and your DH was mainly sorting out the kids, nobody would have a problem with it and you would not have heard from SIL, in fact they would think he's a saint and you'd be getting all the "He's such a great dad" comments. Lots of women get very funny if another woman won't join in with the competitive housework games.

We used to holiday with another family occasionally and the woman was extremely competitive with domestic stuff. If there was something to be done I'd be about to do it and she'd jump in "I'll do it, I'll do it!" so I'd sit down again. It really bugged her that I wouldn't get into a "No I'll do it" argument. Some women think it's a woman's job to be constantly doing housework.

I'd tell MIL she's doing too much, there's no need, you're on holiday and can eat out, get easy food to heat up etc. Chill out.

It’s their house; you are a guest getting free accommodation. If they like their house kept clean and tidy and you’re happy to let it get a mess and clean on the last day, you’re the one who needs to adapt.

I don’t know why everyone is presuming MIL is sexist, she clearly raised her son to cook and clean.

I do understand to a certain extent. I’ve been going to my parents holiday home for years with my two kids. Sometimes my parents are there and sometimes they arent

defo I’m more relaxed when they aren’t there, as I’m not a domestic goddess and my mother is! She’s one of those women (and nothing wrong with it) who will not sit down at the end of the night until the entire kitchen is spotless, floor mopped etc etc. whereas I’m quite happy to leave the washing up to the morning if I’m not in the mood for it!

Were you invited this year?

Everything's changed because they're there too, and it's their house. You have to help out, by cleaning more and cooking. If you don't want to be involved with the cooking, then get take out. Next time check, before you stay again.

I once went away with my fil, it wasn't a nice and relaxing holiday. We went with the extended family, made up of 3 families and fil. I made our own dinners, cleaned our mess and made ourselves cups of tea. Fil kept telling me it was my turn to make a teapot of tea in the mornings. I did it, but found it strange because I had a baby to feed, with bad reflux. It would take me an hour to sort out the medicine and give milk slowly. I made a teapot a few times and announced, "help yourselves, tea's in the pot. I'm feeding the baby. " That pissed him off further. Never again!