For not pulling my weight

[Starlightstarbrights]

DH and I are currently staying at his parents’ second home, which is in a remote part of a popular tourist destination. Ever since we first got together, we come for a week in August and it’s always just us. We laze around, go down to the beach, go out for dinner or buy something we can shove in the oven and just generally chill.

This year, his parents have been here since the start of July. I don’t know if they discussed it or he simply assumed, but DH thought they would go back home when we arrived, but they’ve haven’t. They’re staying here for our entire stay and we will all head back to our respective homes next week. It genuinely doesn’t bother me that they’re here as I like his parents and I get on well with them. It just means we don’t have the privacy for some intimacy but that’s ok, DC doesn’t spend enough time with paternal grandparents as it is so I’m glad they’re spending that time together.

However, I’m still treating the place as I usually do when we’re on holiday here, which is lazing around, only superficially tidying up after meals and not cooking. We always spend our last day doing a good clean before we leave, which is why I’m not cleaning and we don’t really cook when we stay here, which is why I’m not getting up to cook meals (apart from meals for DC). We’ve had a very stressful and exhausting few months so we needed the downtime, and DH is helping his mum with cooking.

I didn’t see anything wrong with it and DH knows how exhausted I am with DC (been very unwell recently, doesn’t sleep well, very clingy) so he’s happy for me to take it easy. I also don’t think our annual weekly relaxing stay shouldn’t be relaxing because my in laws are now here.

However, I assume MIL must have said something to my SIL, as she text me asking me to help out more, that her mum is getting older and shouldn’t be taking care of us whilst I sit on my arse. I don’t get on with SIL at all, which is why she feels she can text me that. I haven’t responded and don’t plan to but should I be doing more? As I mentioned, DH is helping with the cooking and I am still cleaning up after DC, and the one who is waking up every hour over night. DH doesn’t object at all, and this week away was so overdue I simply don’t want to spend it as though we’re guests.

@Starlightstarbrights

i think you will have to tolerate your son getting upset in the night when his father sees to him.

It’s only way he will learn that his dad can provide comfort too.

At the moment he knows that if he cries eventually you’ll relent and go to him

you are equally as important as your son op and you need rest. It will not hurt your son to get a bit upset (he’s safe after all and getting comfort it’s just not what’s he used to) but it will have such a good impact on you all in the long run

Sorry struggling with this … tried to delete the post which was aimed at someone who said the original poster sounded like a lazy DIL from hell 🤷‍♀️

You're staying in someone else's house while they're there- you're guests...of course you clean and tidy up after yourselves.

Nightmare. I hope the nights improve and I hope your next holiday is much better. What an awkward position to be in.

@Starlightstarbrights - you and your husband sound like a great team. Don’t beat yourself up about the sleep thing, everything goes out the window when they have a long stay in hospital.

I'm really sorry OP. Firstly for the rough ride you've had on this thread. People (myself included) shoot from the hip and give a flippant answer based on limited info. You've shown extraordinary resilience even to get this far with some of the comments.

Onto the real life situation. This really sucks, yet so many of us know just what you're going through.

Mothers think the sun shines out of their sons' arses and they perpetuate the patriarchy with their expectation that we are going to carry on exactly where they left off. I wonder whether part of it is a kind of competition to see who cares for their son better, them or us. But we aren't in the competition in the first place, and have no desire to win it. They're welcome to be champion doormats.

All of this passive agressive bullshit is the last thing you needed, when you've had an exhausting time with your dc.

You're being incredibly stoic by focusing on their good qualities and just chalking the whole thing down to experience. Very wise, and in the long run, so much better than having a bust up with them.

But don't comply with their bullshit.

💐💐💐💐💐💐

IMO That's ridiculous

If I were the OP's MiL who knew the situation with the DGC, I would be expecting my DiL to be resting and spending time with her child, not cleaning my house.
Mind you, my DH wouldn't be sat on his backside either

Absolutely this.

Husband is doing the very bare minimum and his wife's sleep disturbed for months.

Both MIL and husband are very poor.

Poor OP.

I agree with @Nanny0gg, @anon666 and @billy1966 - you do not deserve any of the crap you are getting on this thread. My family (including my inlaws) would be doing their best to help in this situation. The only thing that is unreasonable is - perhaps - you describing the scenario of you waking up with your child all night and then doing most of the daytime childcare as "not pulling your weight" in the thread title. You are more than pulling your weight.

Are you paying to be there? I think this would influence answer. If your paying to be there then your MIL and FIL have no right being there as you are paying for the privilege. If you aren't and they've just decided to join you on a free holiday, then yes I do think you should be cleaning up after yourselves and offering to help with cooking. Sil might have commented but actually what would you be doing? Rules have changed in that your there with your DC and while you might have all cleaned at the end, you can't do that when the owners are there. Good manners state u ou offer to help more irrespective of circumstances. I would stop streaming your PILS as a free holiday and if you want the licence to behave like you are, then pay for exclusive use of the cottage rather than using your PILs second cottage and acting annoyed when they turn up and demand you help more. 2

Please at least read OPs follow up posts.

I'm.sorry OP, I'd replied without RTFT. Gone through it roughly now and I am so sorry. I'm changing my verdict to YANBU. Broken sleep and hospital stays. My family would know this and try to help where they could. Your MIL and SIL could do the same. Sorry again OP. I just read the OP and posted. Lesson learnt

To be honest I would say you are being rude. You need to remember that you are using their second home for free every year. Most of the time you are lucky and are on your own as a family but this time it hasn't been like that so you need to see it from their point of view instead of basically complaining like a child.

You need to look at it from MIL's viewpoint. She is probably thinking you treat her place like a slob after watching you this week and this may have repercussions as to whether you are allowed to stay again. The SIL may have some sway over that. I personally wouldn't use the same towel for a week (especially if going don the beach) and YES I have children also.

I would approach MIL and discuss it with her - you need to communicate about the night shifts you are doing, explain about the last few weeks, etc so that she knows what is going on - instead she just sees you being 'lazy' and is complaining to your SIL. You need to discuss etc so you can make sure you minimize the damage that SIL will cause in you and your MIL relationship because saying I'll leave it to DH is just being pure lazy simply because it's his family when you already stated that you have a good relationship with them - you won't after this if you don't talk to them. Have DH there if it helps you.

@algreaves1987 I assume you haven’t read the follow ups.

You say you have children? Imagine them being hospital for an extended time gravely unwell. You can’t imagine unless it’s happened to you. The all night beeping, the screams, the holding your child down as they become more and more distressed. Imagine trying to help them recover from that. Imagine trying to recover from that yourself but not being able to because you are up every hour with said sick child once they are home.

Most people would be doing less that the OP during the day. My family (including in laws) would be trying to get me to rest as much as possible.

ChristmasSirens - Firstly you don't know a thing about me at all so don't presume because in this case you will look really stupid. I spent 2 years in and out of the hospital with a sick child and by in and out we pretty much lived there. I never expected anyone to clean up after me or my children, no matter how sleep-deprived I was. My PIL have 3 spare houses and we always discussed who went at what times, etc. The only time we all went together was the year after my daughter died. So I know exactly what OP is going through - that doesn't mean BAD communication is OKAY!

1. They are her's and DH's children - Not PIL.
2. It's the PIL's house
3. The SIL sending the text is a direct result of the MIL complaining to the daughter - would that have happened if OP and DH had sat and talked with MIL and FIL on the first day and explained everything? no, she just walked around doing the bare minimum and waited for the crap to hit the fan. That's awful in someone else's house.

I think your husband has to do some overnights, whether your DS screams the place down or not. Because how you are living is utterly unsustainable right now and you will end up collapsing yourself soon, if things don't change. It will be horrific for a while but it really does need doing.
I had a child who wouldn't sleep, would scream and cry for hours if I went downstairs after putting her to bed. There wasn't anything wrong with her, she just wanted what she wanted. I had years of this - she was about 7 or 8 before I could get her into bed to sleep. She had just got used to coming in with me or getting up again and doing something she considered more interesting than sleeping.
She's a typical teen now - could lie in for England! But you must break this cycle.

Your in-laws all sound fucking horrible. I would no longer holiday with them. If your dh really loves this place then perhaps you can book somewhere close by, but I'd absolutely refuse to stay with them again. I think they were awful not leaving you be to have the holiday you thought you were getting. I've said it before but they aren't doing you a favour letting you stay there, if they make it so awful to do so that you need a holiday to recover!

@ChristmasSirens - Firstly you don't know a thing about me at all so don't presume because in this case, you will look really stupid. I spent 2 years in and out of the hospital with a sick child and by in and out we pretty much lived there. I never expected anyone to clean up after me or my children, no matter how sleep-deprived I was. My PIL have 3 spare houses and we always discussed who went at what times, etc. The only time we all went together was the year after my daughter died. So I know exactly what OP is going through - that doesn't mean BAD communication is OKAY!

1. They are her's and DH's children - Not PIL.
2. It's the PIL's house
3. The SIL sending the text is a direct result of the MIL complaining to the daughter - would that have happened if OP and DH had sat and talked with MIL and FIL on the first day and explained everything? no, she just walked around doing the bare minimum and waited for the crap to hit the fan. That's awful in someone else's house.

The SIL sending the text is a direct result of the MIL complaining to the daughter - would that have happened if OP and DH had sat and talked with MIL and FIL on the first day and explained everything? no, she just walked around doing the bare minimum and waited for the crap to hit the fan. That's awful in someone else's house.

Its actually because the non-DC work was done by OP’s DH and MIL didn’t like it. She’s sexist.

And presumably MIL knows her gs has been in hospital and one assumes hears him at night. A little empathy wouldn’t have gone amiss but no - men sit whilst women run round after them

I'm also sorry for getting the wrong end of the stick. I hope your baby feels more settled soon and your husband can pick up some of the care.

Exactly.

MIL doesn't give a shit about OP and how exhashe is while her son gets unbroken sleep.

She just can abide the idea of her son doing even the absolute minimum.

Both MIL and husband are a complete disgrace, not to mind the SIL......funny they are all family🙄.

I really hope the OP wakes up to how selfish they are.

@algreaves1987 - the assumption i made was because you are showing a complete lack of empathy. I am sorry for your loss but you don’t get to be crappy to someone else at breaking point and not be called on it.

And your post hasn’t factual - she’s doing loads, so is her DH. The MIL (and SIL) are actually angry because her DH isn’t getting to sit around!

Wow. I had thought that the issue was that MIL felt rightly or wrongly that her relatives staying was putting her to extra work and they weren't doing enough to relieve her; but it now seems to be a matter of 'why should my son have to do women's work?' That is very bigoted and sexist.

I think I'd broach the subject of the SILs email and bring the issue out into the open. Explain your usual way of doing stuff and ask genuinely what her expectations of you are.