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AIBU?

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Original poster

For not pulling my weight

427 replies

Starlightstarbrights · 14/08/2022 12:15

DH and I are currently staying at his parents’ second home, which is in a remote part of a popular tourist destination. Ever since we first got together, we come for a week in August and it’s always just us. We laze around, go down to the beach, go out for dinner or buy something we can shove in the oven and just generally chill.

This year, his parents have been here since the start of July. I don’t know if they discussed it or he simply assumed, but DH thought they would go back home when we arrived, but they’ve haven’t. They’re staying here for our entire stay and we will all head back to our respective homes next week. It genuinely doesn’t bother me that they’re here as I like his parents and I get on well with them. It just means we don’t have the privacy for some intimacy but that’s ok, DC doesn’t spend enough time with paternal grandparents as it is so I’m glad they’re spending that time together.

However, I’m still treating the place as I usually do when we’re on holiday here, which is lazing around, only superficially tidying up after meals and not cooking. We always spend our last day doing a good clean before we leave, which is why I’m not cleaning and we don’t really cook when we stay here, which is why I’m not getting up to cook meals (apart from meals for DC). We’ve had a very stressful and exhausting few months so we needed the downtime, and DH is helping his mum with cooking.

I didn’t see anything wrong with it and DH knows how exhausted I am with DC (been very unwell recently, doesn’t sleep well, very clingy) so he’s happy for me to take it easy. I also don’t think our annual weekly relaxing stay shouldn’t be relaxing because my in laws are now here.

However, I assume MIL must have said something to my SIL, as she text me asking me to help out more, that her mum is getting older and shouldn’t be taking care of us whilst I sit on my arse. I don’t get on with SIL at all, which is why she feels she can text me that. I haven’t responded and don’t plan to but should I be doing more? As I mentioned, DH is helping with the cooking and I am still cleaning up after DC, and the one who is waking up every hour over night. DH doesn’t object at all, and this week away was so overdue I simply don’t want to spend it as though we’re guests.

OP posts:
SallyWD · 14/08/2022 13:43

I couldn't NOT help out if my elderly in-laws were doing nearly everything. I just couldn't sit back and watch them do it and know how I must appear to them. Can't you offer to cook a meal or

SallyWD · 14/08/2022 13:44

To finish my post - can't you offer to cook a meal, do a shop or clean a bathroom or something?

Annaritanna · 14/08/2022 13:44

I would explain to MIL how tired you are. After that, i would do my bit (e.g cook an easy dinner or clear plates or hoover the kitchen). Then i would ask DH and MIL if they could have the baby for a while and I would take a glorious nap without feeling bad for it.
But you need to do your bit first.

Aprilx · 14/08/2022 13:45

I think as you are not there by yourself, you ought to be a little bit more considerate of the other people staying. Particularly as they are older and have kindly allowed you to use their holiday home. How are you not embarrassed to have parents in law cleaning up after you.

It has obviously been noticed that you are the individual that is sitting around all day doing nothing when the others are all helping out, otherwise it would not have been mentioned. I think you need to haul yourself off the sofa and do your bit.

Wombat27A · 14/08/2022 13:45

We went on holiday with friends a bit older than us. Interestingly, it became clear they were in the tidy up as you go along camp and we're firmly in the clean at the end one. It doesn't really work.

But I also suspect they are seeing what you're not doing, eg days and not nights. Plus a hefty dose of why is the man lifting a finger...

My mum is horrified DH "helps me" with housework. He's actually retired now and sat about all day and she doesn't appreciate what I do.

dottiedodah · 14/08/2022 13:46

I can see why you are needing a break .However does MIL know you are up at night with the baby? Or SIL for that matter (not anything to do with her though) Its hot weather and maybe MIL is feeling the strain .If DH is helping her thats one thing .Is he actually doing a whole meal though ? Can she grab a rest at all.She is an older lady and seems like shes doing quite a lot to be fair! Maybe take it in turns with DH for the night shift and Offer to cook a night or two?

Original poster
Starlightstarbrights · 14/08/2022 13:46

FFS of course I’m making our beds and doing shopping as and when needed.

And did you miss the bit where I said we do a big clean at the end. That involves changing the bed sheets and washing the towels and sheets.

We have separate bathrooms.

And of course FIL is doing absolutely nothing of course.

OP posts:
TokyoTen · 14/08/2022 13:47

I would nicely has MIL if there is a problem because SIL has messages you, and explain that you usually clean up on the last day and relax the rest of the time. It could be that SIL has made complete assumptions and MIL hasn't said anything, it maybe that MIL feels put upon. If you ask her you'll know.

Bunty55 · 14/08/2022 13:47

Your in laws should have told you what they were planning to do so you could have given the holiday a swerve and gone when they were not there.

I am assuming you always leave the place clean and tidy or they would not have let you stay?
They are the ones at fault here and not you. Plus of course your husband is a dick

Original poster
Starlightstarbrights · 14/08/2022 13:48

It’s also definitely not hot here at the moment. Wet and miserable!

OP posts:
WimpoleHat · 14/08/2022 13:48

and this week away was so overdue I simply don’t want to spend it as though we’re guests.

But you are guests. You may not have expected to be, or wished to be - but you are. You’re in their home and of course it’s different. Maybe think again about next year and book somewhere else independently, but for this year, you have to accept that you’re not having the week that you planned. That’s unfortunate- but clearly your PILs are entitled to be there in their own house!

bloodyunicorns · 14/08/2022 13:52

Talk to your MIL! Tell her your usual routine with dh, say you're exhausted and taking it easy.

Suggest having separate meals?

Who's clearing up after meals??

And why does FIL do nothing? How is that fair?

Clymene · 14/08/2022 13:52

Yeah, if you're just getting up after dinner and walking away, it's rude. It's their house. You can do what you like when they're not there but they are.

I wonder if they're making a point by staying all summer.

ToDoListAddict · 14/08/2022 13:57

Is your MIL one of those martyr women that do everything, and let the men do nothing at all?
And therefore is horrified her son is helping out rather than you running around after everyone?

If she really felt like you are taking advantage of her and your DH then she could have spoke to you directly rather than shitty messages via your SIL that is only getting one side of the story.

Twillow · 14/08/2022 13:57

Bit of a nuisance but the dynamics are obviously going to be different with them there. I'd guess MIL has said something for SIL to be texting you. Appreciate you're on holiday and hoping to relax but you are being a bit precious to only do work that involves DS.

cansu · 14/08/2022 13:57

I think you probably shouldn't have gone there while they were there. As it is yes you do need to get up and do more. It is essentially their second home and therefore it is up to mil how clean it is. Leaving the place messy is fine in your own house or when alone but not in someone else's.

ManateeFair · 14/08/2022 13:58

Starlightstarbrights · 14/08/2022 13:46

FFS of course I’m making our beds and doing shopping as and when needed.

And did you miss the bit where I said we do a big clean at the end. That involves changing the bed sheets and washing the towels and sheets.

We have separate bathrooms.

And of course FIL is doing absolutely nothing of course.

If you’re tidying up after your kids, making the beds, shopping for food, have your own bathroom and DH is helping with the cooking then absolutely YANBU. Your SIL is a twat for messaging you and not your DH, and FIL does nothing either so she can fuck right off.

I’m also kind of baffled about how the misunderstanding about who was staying when actually arose. Would the PILs normally stay there at the same time as you? Have they ever done that before? If the previous arrangement has always been that you stay separately unless otherwise agreed, it’s quite odd that they didn’t think to mention they intended to stick around.

AlisonDonut · 14/08/2022 13:59

Can you another place to go for a week's holiday?

Clymene · 14/08/2022 13:59

A lot of old men don't do anything. It's shit but it's irrelevant.

It's not the OP's house and while she's staying in their house while they're there, she's a guest. It's not up to her to impose her rules on the people who own the house.

I suspect you're not leaving it as clean and tidy as you think you are when you stay on your own if you think changing the sheets and washing sheets and towels is in some way a heroic act.

Onandupw · 14/08/2022 14:02

The problem will be that it’s your DH doing it and not you

i disagree thst just because you’re in their house you have to accept their beliefs of the division of labour between you and your husband

badgerstink · 14/08/2022 14:03

Starlightstarbrights · 14/08/2022 13:46

FFS of course I’m making our beds and doing shopping as and when needed.

And did you miss the bit where I said we do a big clean at the end. That involves changing the bed sheets and washing the towels and sheets.

We have separate bathrooms.

And of course FIL is doing absolutely nothing of course.

This sounds pretty entitled and ungrateful to me. MIL isn't complaining about her husband, she's complaining about you. Even the title of your post acknowledges you're not pulling your weight.

They have every right to behave however they wish in their own home. You and DH as non paying guests should be respectful and contribute to the chores. Why would you/DH just routinely ask if there's anything they would like a hand with. It's irrelevant how you would normally behave if they weren't there. They are there and you therefore have to fit in with their rules and expectations. As the old adage goes 'you pays your money you take your choice'. If you want a free holiday you don't get to choose your terms

lamaze1 · 14/08/2022 14:03

I'd forward to DH and let him address with his mum. Don't bother replying to SIL.

Phineyj · 14/08/2022 14:03

The main issue here is that you thought you'd have the house to yourself and you don't - and because that wasn't known there was no chance to set ground rules.

Unfortunately you get what you pay for though!

I suggest not taking up this free accommodation again unless you, DH and MIL can have a more open conversation about who does what, expectations etc.

We had multigenerational holidays a few times (my DPs though not inlaws) and when there were disturbed nights the people who got up were cut a lot of slack the next day - that's only fair.

Regarding your interfering SIL, we had a delightful email from BIL a year or so back ordering us to be better guests when we stay with PIL (we do loads! Including getting up 2-3 hours before them and sitting on DD). But I feel uncomfortable barging in to cook in someone else's kitchen if I've offered and they've said no repeatedly, or insisting that we are having takeaway etc.

We recently visited them to find them in the middle of a two week stint looking after BIL's indoor cat at their house...no doubt SIL's not perfect either...

Lindasllama · 14/08/2022 14:04

lamaze1 · 14/08/2022 14:03

I'd forward to DH and let him address with his mum. Don't bother replying to SIL.

This ^ with bells on. !

Iloveacurry · 14/08/2022 14:06

Sounds like you’re doing enough, along with your DH. If I was you, I’d say something to your MIL. Discuss it with your DH first, then have a chat with her. MIL is a bit out of order to have mentioned it to your SIL, it’s not really any of her concern. Also mention you’re worried about her doing too much, perhaps your FIL could help out, as he’s not doing anything by the sounds of it!!