For not pulling my weight

[Starlightstarbrights]

DH and I are currently staying at his parents’ second home, which is in a remote part of a popular tourist destination. Ever since we first got together, we come for a week in August and it’s always just us. We laze around, go down to the beach, go out for dinner or buy something we can shove in the oven and just generally chill.

This year, his parents have been here since the start of July. I don’t know if they discussed it or he simply assumed, but DH thought they would go back home when we arrived, but they’ve haven’t. They’re staying here for our entire stay and we will all head back to our respective homes next week. It genuinely doesn’t bother me that they’re here as I like his parents and I get on well with them. It just means we don’t have the privacy for some intimacy but that’s ok, DC doesn’t spend enough time with paternal grandparents as it is so I’m glad they’re spending that time together.

However, I’m still treating the place as I usually do when we’re on holiday here, which is lazing around, only superficially tidying up after meals and not cooking. We always spend our last day doing a good clean before we leave, which is why I’m not cleaning and we don’t really cook when we stay here, which is why I’m not getting up to cook meals (apart from meals for DC). We’ve had a very stressful and exhausting few months so we needed the downtime, and DH is helping his mum with cooking.

I didn’t see anything wrong with it and DH knows how exhausted I am with DC (been very unwell recently, doesn’t sleep well, very clingy) so he’s happy for me to take it easy. I also don’t think our annual weekly relaxing stay shouldn’t be relaxing because my in laws are now here.

However, I assume MIL must have said something to my SIL, as she text me asking me to help out more, that her mum is getting older and shouldn’t be taking care of us whilst I sit on my arse. I don’t get on with SIL at all, which is why she feels she can text me that. I haven’t responded and don’t plan to but should I be doing more? As I mentioned, DH is helping with the cooking and I am still cleaning up after DC, and the one who is waking up every hour over night. DH doesn’t object at all, and this week away was so overdue I simply don’t want to spend it as though we’re guests.

I would forward that message on to your husband and ask him to deal with it.

What a pity your MIL felt the need to complain and spoil the holiday.

Tell your MIL that you are up ALL night and ask EXACTLY what she would like you to do as your husband is covering it as YOU are up every hour during the night.

Oh and block your SIL.

This.

Your MiL can't bear her precious son doing his bit.
🙄

Definitely let her know your SIL has been onto you.

I think it’s gross what you’re doing to the environment with your daily towel washing.

I think I would show the SIL message to your DH and let him deal with it and what else you both should be doing. Let him speak to his DM about it.

The cook should never have to clean up as well, so whether it is your DH, FIl or you, someone needs to do that.
Other than that Id say there is some sexism going on here if FIL does nothing but MIL is getting grumpy that you aren't doing as much as your DH.
Tricky though as staying with parents/inlaws is never the relaxing holiday it would be without them. Hopefully the upshot will be that you get to come again and they decide not to be there, and not that you don't get invited again. Could go either way.
In your shoes I would get my DH to have a little heart to heart with his mum about how he is trying to give you a break after a really difficult year, and that his sister has really upset that, and what more can he do as he wants to be the one to step up.

It's rubbish really they they are there as you need this holiday BUT they are there so yes you are being quite rude. Next time check and adjust your holiday accordingly. Hope you get some rest OP.

I voted YANBU as your DH is doing his bit, you're doing your bit and if MIL wants you to do a bit more then why not just ask - 'Ooh, could you just peel these potatoes/stick the kettle on/chop this veg ? Thanks everso much !'
I'd deffo let them know that your stick up her behind SIL has been stirring pot !

Unfortunately since pil are there you cant really treat it like a holiday home as its pil second home. You and your dh need to be cleaning a bit more and think about cooking a couple of meals for everyone on an evening

It's her house and she's living in it.

She doesn't want to have to wait all bloody week for you to clean it, and if you pull your weight now, you won't have to spend your last day cleaning.

Her house, her rules and you're causing extra work for her as your SIL pointed out.

agree with this, have a chat, choose your time, how bad can it go?
and be prepared to compromise, as a team with DH of course.

If you’re tidying up after DC, making beds, doing shopping etc i5 sounds like you’re pulling your weight. Is DH loading dishwashers etc as well as cooking. I think posters who say Mil thinks you aren’t ‘womaning’ enough are right. Let DH deal with her and his sister.

Do people really wash towels after every use? 😲How decadent and wasteful. Ours are changed weekly.

YABVU not to help in the kitchen.
You say usually you eat out or buy oven-ready meals, why don’t you suggest that? If you are happy to eat the meals others are cooking why can’t you say you’ll cook the next day and do some oven-ready meals / easy meal like bread & cheese & deli food?
And also suggest eating out sometimes.
You are happy to enjoy your ILs house yearly, cooking a few meals and vacuuming a few times is really not that much in comparison.

I can only assume they don't wash themselves properly so get their towels filthy

I’m amazed people thing UABU! This is definitely a situation where MIL thinks you should be doing the work not your DH - just as in her marriage. If your DH is supporting MiL you should be able to relax all you want.

Your DH should tell MIL that you need to rest and he is doing the chores. If anything needs doing or anything is annoying her she must come to him and not to you and definitely not talk behind your back to SIL.

Are you eating at home more because of them whereas usually you’d eat out, get takeout or more pre-prepared stuff?

I would probably go home. Your ability to relax is likely ruined.

Knowing that MIL had bee slagging me off behind my back would be enough to pack up and go home tbh. I wouldn't want to spend holiday time with people like that.

Did I say I washed daily?

Are you really blaming MIL for expecting people to clean up after themselves and cook a couple of meals or even just a little bit of gratitude when she's giving them regular free holiday accommodation?

It's not exactly a holiday for her skivvying around after everyone else.

She's not the one ruining the holiday. A little bit of respect and courtesy would've helped it run smoothly

Having clean clothes feels like the priority when you're doing laundry, and it's easy to assume that because you’re freshly showered and clean when you use a towel, it doesn't get that dirty. However, when you dry yourself, you're transferring dead skin cells to the towel - combined with the moisture absorbed by the towel, this can become a breeding ground for bacteria.It may surprise you to learn that bath towels should be washed after every 3-4 uses to keep them hygienic, according to our experts at the GHI. And for towels used at the gym, we recommend washing after every use; not only are your gym towels covered in sweat, but they can also come into contact with airborne bacteria.
After use, don’t just hang your damp towel on the back of the bathroom door. It’ll take longer to dry and will provide a nice breeding ground for bacteria and mould. Try to air the towel on a clothes airer or washing line for speedy drying.

HTH

I don't think it's unreasonable to do things in your way. But you should let the PILs know that this is what you're doing, i.e. that you'll do a big clean-up at the end, so that they don't expect that you'll be leaving it all to them.

Apart from maybe loading the dishwasher after meals (which her DH may be doing, as OP hasn’t said), what is it people are expecting OP to do? Her DH is cooking some nights, and helping out on others. She’s cleaning up after DC, making the beds (something I never bother with) and doing the night shift.

I agree with PP that it’s because MIL’s poor little boy is having to do chores.

'An elderly couple' aren't doing it all. FIL is doing nothing. One half of each couple seem to be doing all the daytime work, it just isn't the right half of the couple, in MIL/SIL's eyes 🤔. Or maybe SIL doesn't know what her DB is doing, that part hasn't been communicated to her......

Talk to MIL . Tell her you got a text that's upset you. Has she been talking about you to SIL while you've been on holiday? What does she feel like you and DH aren't doing? * *

Is this thread full of angry MILs, no wonder everyone hates them. Dear lord, you’re looking after a young child and clearing up after them as and when whilst not using the kitchen but DH is nevertheless helping out. What are you supposed to say, daily bathroom cleans? I wouldn’t holiday there again frankly, it sounds like a nightmare. I wouldn’t expect to have to be Cinderella in a family member’s second home with a young child to look after. Ignore SIL and get DH to speak to his mum and sister, this is such sexist bullshit.

Also, maybe MIL and SIL are not aware that you are up all night with DC?
2yo kids normally sleep over night at that age, maybe let them know that you are covering night shift while DH is sleeping undisturbed (if this is the case) and you have an agreement with DH that you will rest during the day