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AIBU?

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Original poster

For not pulling my weight

427 replies

Starlightstarbrights · 14/08/2022 12:15

DH and I are currently staying at his parents’ second home, which is in a remote part of a popular tourist destination. Ever since we first got together, we come for a week in August and it’s always just us. We laze around, go down to the beach, go out for dinner or buy something we can shove in the oven and just generally chill.

This year, his parents have been here since the start of July. I don’t know if they discussed it or he simply assumed, but DH thought they would go back home when we arrived, but they’ve haven’t. They’re staying here for our entire stay and we will all head back to our respective homes next week. It genuinely doesn’t bother me that they’re here as I like his parents and I get on well with them. It just means we don’t have the privacy for some intimacy but that’s ok, DC doesn’t spend enough time with paternal grandparents as it is so I’m glad they’re spending that time together.

However, I’m still treating the place as I usually do when we’re on holiday here, which is lazing around, only superficially tidying up after meals and not cooking. We always spend our last day doing a good clean before we leave, which is why I’m not cleaning and we don’t really cook when we stay here, which is why I’m not getting up to cook meals (apart from meals for DC). We’ve had a very stressful and exhausting few months so we needed the downtime, and DH is helping his mum with cooking.

I didn’t see anything wrong with it and DH knows how exhausted I am with DC (been very unwell recently, doesn’t sleep well, very clingy) so he’s happy for me to take it easy. I also don’t think our annual weekly relaxing stay shouldn’t be relaxing because my in laws are now here.

However, I assume MIL must have said something to my SIL, as she text me asking me to help out more, that her mum is getting older and shouldn’t be taking care of us whilst I sit on my arse. I don’t get on with SIL at all, which is why she feels she can text me that. I haven’t responded and don’t plan to but should I be doing more? As I mentioned, DH is helping with the cooking and I am still cleaning up after DC, and the one who is waking up every hour over night. DH doesn’t object at all, and this week away was so overdue I simply don’t want to spend it as though we’re guests.

OP posts:
lamaze1 · 14/08/2022 14:06

I get what people are saying re it's their home, but as their second home they've offered it's use for a holiday. It doesn't sound like the OP is say doing nothing. There is no harm in her husband helping out.

Phineyj · 14/08/2022 14:06

I agree, don't engage with SIL, especially if she thinks she's the boss of you.

I've never got anywhere trying to engage with my BIL

Goldbar · 14/08/2022 14:08

Onandupw · 14/08/2022 14:02

The problem will be that it’s your DH doing it and not you

i disagree thst just because you’re in their house you have to accept their beliefs of the division of labour between you and your husband

I somewhat agree with this. If MIL is annoyed that you and your husband (collectively) aren't pulling your weight, that's one thing. If she's upset that a man, her precious son, is having to cook and clean while you, a woman, sit resting, that's another thing. She is perfectly entitled to complain about the overall amount of work she has to do, but not to dictate how you and your DH split jobs between you. But your DH does need to be doing a fair share of cleaning as well as cooking.

Anniefrenchfry · 14/08/2022 14:11

The issue I think is the fact it is now irrelevant it’s their second home. You are know a guest in their home with them and with that you don’t get to act like you do when they aren’t thete.

it’s fine for you do do nothing if your husband does enough for both of you and covers your share like that, but it doesn’t appear he is. So tell him to step up if you don’t wish to.

Peakypolly · 14/08/2022 14:14

I would go straight to my MIL and show her the text I had received from SIL. Explain honestly, as you have here, your point of view.
I think you should immediately shut down the petty bitching behind your back. Do not give SIL any control over the relationship between you and your MIL. It could well be your MIL has no idea about your SIL's interpretation of the events.

Bubbafly · 14/08/2022 14:15

Starlightstarbrights · 14/08/2022 13:46

FFS of course I’m making our beds and doing shopping as and when needed.

And did you miss the bit where I said we do a big clean at the end. That involves changing the bed sheets and washing the towels and sheets.

We have separate bathrooms.

And of course FIL is doing absolutely nothing of course.

You have not even washed a towel the whole time you are there? So in laws have to live in your squalor until the last day when you decide to do a BIG CLEAN at the end.

There should be NO BIG CLEAN at the end because you have let the pace get so bad when you are sharing with family, fine when you are there on your own but very slovenly and lazy when there are other people in the mix.

YouSoundLovely · 14/08/2022 14:15

I don't get the 'clearing up after the dc but not us'. Don't you (you, dh and the dc) eat together, at least at some meals? And does it mean there are some meals where you leave crumbs, dishes etc lying around/surfaces in a mess? if that's the case, I'd be annoyed too, sorry. You (= you and dh, between you) need to be doing basic clearing up after yourselves. The cooking sounds OK, as your dh has cooked (presumably for everyone?) and helps one when your MIL cooks. I'd be taking them out for dinner one evening to say thank you for their hospitality, though.

BMW6 · 14/08/2022 14:15

TokyoTen · 14/08/2022 13:47

I would nicely has MIL if there is a problem because SIL has messages you, and explain that you usually clean up on the last day and relax the rest of the time. It could be that SIL has made complete assumptions and MIL hasn't said anything, it maybe that MIL feels put upon. If you ask her you'll know.

Yes, this. Get it out in the open, talk it over.

Viviennemary · 14/08/2022 14:15

I think both you and your DH should be pulling your weight around the house. Not on to expect an elderly couple to do it all.

Rebelmcstreettuff · 14/08/2022 14:17

We had the same issue with in-laws and their caravan, which made us feel uncomfortable.
MIL is very houseproud and she would be hovering about to collect crumbs when the kids had a sandwich etc.
They were never keen for us or DH siblings and kids to go alone so in the end everyone stopped going,they eventually sold it as they felt it was a waste for just them 🙄

RandomMess · 14/08/2022 14:19

Sounds like MIL & SIL see it as woman's work to run around clean, cook, look after the DC etc and they don't get a holiday.

SplendidUtterly · 14/08/2022 14:19

I have a feeling Mil doesn't like her son doing it and not you and has complained to Sil. Also you say Fil is doing nothing so there you have it, the Mil/Sil thinks it's the woman's place to do all this and not the men. Sad.

Tubs11 · 14/08/2022 14:20

When my bil stayed with his parents they left their stuff strewn all over the house and he took the lead on doing all the work around the house and organising outings as, like you, his wife just wanted to relax and do it at the end. My MIL found this hard going tbh, she didn't like sitting in mess and felt her son deserved some downtime too, kids were older mind but it's not unreasonable for her to think that in her own home

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 14/08/2022 14:22

Well thing is, they may not offer you the holiday home again. Bottom line is, it's their home. They want it kept clean and tidy which is fair enough. I don't see why if you're cooking for the kid, you can't put on a bit more for everyone else for one evening.

Quitelikeit · 14/08/2022 14:24

What a shame it has come to this. I’m an absolute sloth on holiday.

ask your DH to ask MiL what is is you aren’t doing that you should be?

what a way to turn things sour - however if you allow it to you will play right into SiLs hands

do update us

Bubbafly · 14/08/2022 14:24

SplendidUtterly · 14/08/2022 14:19

I have a feeling Mil doesn't like her son doing it and not you and has complained to Sil. Also you say Fil is doing nothing so there you have it, the Mil/Sil thinks it's the woman's place to do all this and not the men. Sad.

DH is definitely helping out. He’s cooked a couple of evenings and helps his mum with cooking when she’s taking the lead

Doesn't sound like he is doing very much to be fair.

Sewannoying · 14/08/2022 14:27

Bubbafly · 14/08/2022 14:15

You have not even washed a towel the whole time you are there? So in laws have to live in your squalor until the last day when you decide to do a BIG CLEAN at the end.

There should be NO BIG CLEAN at the end because you have let the pace get so bad when you are sharing with family, fine when you are there on your own but very slovenly and lazy when there are other people in the mix.

Show quote history

Why would they need to wash a towel before the end if they are just there for a week? I’ve just got back from holiday where we each had one towel that we used throughout the week.

Bubbafly · 14/08/2022 14:31

Sewannoying · 14/08/2022 14:27

Why would they need to wash a towel before the end if they are just there for a week? I’ve just got back from holiday where we each had one towel that we used throughout the week.

Show quote history

So you showered every day for a week with the same towel? Em ok.

Sunnyqueen · 14/08/2022 14:33

You are getting a cheap holiday in their house yabu to be messy whilst they are there. Doing a big clean at the end is one thing if they arent there but they are and have every right to be, so it's different. If you wanted to laze around doing nothing you should have booked a hotel.

Scianel · 14/08/2022 14:34

So you showered every day for a week with the same towel? Em ok

What's wrong with that? I use a towel for about a week before I wash it.

Bubbafly · 14/08/2022 14:36

Scianel · 14/08/2022 14:34

So you showered every day for a week with the same towel? Em ok

What's wrong with that? I use a towel for about a week before I wash it.

Different strokes and all that but to me that is just gross.

CinnamonJellyBeans · 14/08/2022 14:36

I wouldn't go again. It doesn't sound like a holiday at all. More like a visit to in-laws with their own cooking, cleaning and washing up habits imposed upon you. It's always a mistake to go self-catering with in-laws if you are a woman. They will never think you do enough housework or cleaning for their sons.

If you and your husband are happy that you are doing your fair share, then that's more important. I would show your husband the text, but not take it any further. It's not worth the aggro.

Cognacsoft · 14/08/2022 14:37

@Starlightstarbrights ignore your sil.
Tell mil how much you appreciate relaxing in the day after being up with dc.
How dh insists you rest. She’ll know you know that she’s grumbled.

We live in a touristy place.
When my ds and ddil stay I don’t expect them to do anything.
Dh and I are retired, we’re very aware that our dc have limited a/l and if they choose to use some staying with us then the least we can do is make an enjoyable break for them.
They do help a bit but I wouldn’t complain if they didn’t.
My dd tells me that my dsil loves staying with us because he’s waited on hand and foot.
If it helps we’re in our 60’s. Definitely not too old to run around after guests for a week.

Brefugee · 14/08/2022 14:38

oh MN is batshit sometimes. I use my towel for a week - i am clean when i towel off, then it gets dried on the towel rail until next time i need it.

OP is doing plenty. I really don't understand how people seem to think she should be mopping floors cleaning windows etc, and not do that at the end of the stay like a normal person was.

It seems on the face of it that MIL (and SIL) is of the opinion that women are there to serve, and somehow, miraculously OPs DH has managed to swerve that and does his share. Unless he is also unhappy with what OP is doing, his family need to butt out.

But OP in your shoes? I'd probably go home, it's not relaxing being oround in-Laws especially when not expecting them.

Scianel · 14/08/2022 14:38

Different strokes and all that but to me that is just gross

I'll benefit with the rise in fuel bills, anyway. But I am drying a completely clean body so it's not like it dirties up very quickly.