AIBU - my DM and sweets

[Widily]

Caveat - she’s been staying with us for 3 weeks and we can have a rather strained relationship so I MBU and not her.

She has a weird thing with food where she refuses to share with anyone - fine. But she will literally sit in the living room and eat bags of sweets and chocolate bars in front of the children and will not give even one to them. They are kind of used to it now but tonight we’d all gone out for dinner, came home, kids are washed and ready for bed, teeth brushed and she sits down and opens a big share bag of sweets and proceeds to pop one in her mouth every ten seconds.

Youngest starts complaining - told clearly “no these are nannies”. Silence in the living room except for the crunching of bloody sweets every 10 seconds 😡

Why would they be on eggshells?

I just can't understand children being so rude to ask people for their food. I've never even seen it happen let alone have it happen with mine.

If someone offers great. If not you don't go up to them and ask - ghastly

Jesus Christ this thread has gone bonkers.

@Widily Shes being rude. And doing it repeatedly just before bedtime would get right on my wick as well.

This is just a case of entitlement vs generosity!

There is nothing wrong with sitting and scoffing the lot yourself, so long as you don’t mind others watching you and wishing they had some. If you don’t give two hoots about the others in the room - carry right on!

OPs mother is well within her rights to scoff the lot, but I would consider her rude and greedy if she did it in front of me.

I was brought up to be considerate of others, which is what good manners are all about.
I always offer sweets if I am in the company of others, in the theatre, car, living room, in work, in front of the TV. Friends and family, adults and children alike. If I want a lot myself, I will buy a big bag. If I only have a small bag, I will wait until I am alone (or offer anyway - most people will actually not accept if they see you are offering round a small bag of something, especially if there are lots of people - because they also have manners and realise that if everyone take one, I will have none left).

It’s the judgement that’s mildly distressing. Zero tolerance for other ways of thinking. If someone thinks you should always offer food, then those who do not are called rude, entitled, weirdo, bad mannered, inconsiderate, greedy, and told to “do everyone a favour and eat at home alone”
😟

She's being rude.
Yes, it's rude to eat in front of others when they don't have something of their own. If it's sweets or crisps you should offer them. If it was a sausage roll or other unshareable thing (or something you want to yourself) then you could surely wait to eat it later. If I (veggie) am going to a BBQ then I take things to share that I know I can eat, so others can have some too.

The dinner examples don't make sense: this is more like serving yourself Yorkshires and not providing any for anyone else when you are having a roast dinner together.

Would it be awful of the OP just to make dinner for herself and her kids and not offer any to her mother? If they're doing food separately, after all. If it's rude to expect any of what other people are eating, that must go for the grandmother as well.

I'd be tempted to say "Oh, I didn't make you any dinner. I thought you'd want to save the space for your sweets later" 😁.

Does the OP have to offer food to her mother in that case? Or can she tell her to sort her own meals and stuff like biscuits out and buy her own teabags?

Obviously it’s a tongue in cheek joke, we weren’t smacked in our house (v rate for an 80’s upbringing). But I was taught not to be disrespectful and judgemental especially about food and someone’s eating habits. It’s rude AF to ‘pull’ adults on what snacks they enjoy in their lives

The thing is about MN though is that so many posters have deep seated issues about food. It’s sad and seems to be common. On this very thread there are people advocating being deeply concerned about their loved ones snacking too much and talking about setting an example by not snacking. That’s not normal IMO

@Taurine thank you for reading through and writing!! That’s exactly what I meant. Xxx

Ew, imagine having such a passive aggressive household.

People don’t really behave this way do they?!

I thought basic necessity type foods fall under different rules from sweets/treats when it comes to house guests?

No, not in our house at least! Hosts share food, guests share food, and any special treats that people don't want to share with grubby DC are saved for after bedtime.

My Mother did this. When I was 8 she left me in the car for and I found some sweets in the glove compartment. She made sure I never ate anything of hers ever again.

I am NC with her now - I believe she is sociopathic.

Yea really mean of her. But my mum is the same and gets angry if anyone asks for some. If I open anything I offer them around. It's greedy and selfish not to.

So you would have your mum, your actual mum, round your house and when cooking dinner you’d exclude her and tell her when serving “Oh well I haven’t made you a meal but it means a you have enough room for sweets later” all because she kept a bag of sweets to herself?

You’d actually react like that?

I just think everyone should be more relaxed and tolerant regarding food. Less judgemental. I agree some posters have deep seated issues around food re the advising people to eat sweets in secret if offering to share results in what they think is too little left for them. The same with the requirement to always offer food and not understanding this can be very pressuring and some people are uncomfortable being offered treats/sweets because in some situations you offend the other person by politely declining, and not eating with them. The idea that in any social situation you always offer food…there is a counter expectation that those offered the food should have a bite “to be polite” and rarely can you decline with an excuse without offending. But often you don’t want what’s being offered at all. Yet you have to eat some. No wonder we have an obesity crisis.

What's the definition of 'necessity' though? For instance, if we agree that the OP has to share dinner with her mother (for example, a roast dinner), does that extend to pudding if it is being offered? What if the OP brings out a box of chocolates after dinner? Does she have to offer these? And is the mother allowed free rein in relation to the biscuit tin?

It just seems very odd to me. If we have a guest, we share everything that is brought out with them - tea, coffee, biscuits, cheese, chocolates. Whatever we have, we will offer to them. My DC is usually in charge of offering the box of biscuits or chocolates to guests before DC can choose one themselves. So I do find the OP's mother's behaviour very odd, especially assuming that she is being offered whatever the DC and OP are having.

No, I wouldn't. But then my mother wouldn't dream of eating large quantities of sweets in front of my DC and not offering to share. She's far more likely to turn up with food and treats to share with all of us, and she's welcome to anything we have in our house that she fancies.

When I first knew my MIL, it bothered me they if we gave her a box of chocolates as a present, she'd immediately hand then round to everyone. Inside I'd be thinking "but I bought them for YOU".

It took a while for me to register the happiness it gave her to share with people, and that keeping anything to herself would make it much less enjoyable for her. And now I'm that way too.

She was the best person I've known, and I'm a much better person for having lived with her example of warmth, love and generosity for forty years

Maybe other adults aren’t as selfish as you with food.

My kids would ask there nanny for a sweet if she was eating some and she wouldn’t say no because she doesn’t have weird issues around sharing a few sweets/chocolates.

totally bizarre to be so uptight about giving a child a few sweets.

Dear god, it’s a minefield. You mentioned not sharing tea & biscuits. Now it’s pudding? You see, my point is there are too many scenarios for there to be majority cultural/social agreement and having harsh judgement on anyone who thinks slightly differently on different scenarios…is just too much. We should all be more relaxed and tolerant. A you do you attitude. Share, not share, ask, not ask, accept offer not accept offer….right now it’s too complex and too strictly judged.

There are some special biscuits which I take a friend of mine whenever I visit her. One of the reasons why they are so special is because my friend's little DD loves them as well. At some point during the visit, my friend will offer them round, including one for each of the children. If my friend's DD thinks that her mother is taking too long to do this, she will ask her mother, very politely, "Mummy, do you think everyone would like one of the biscuits that Goldbar brought?" What she really means is 'I would like one and I don't want to wait any longer'. It makes us both laugh 😁.

Bless!

I remember my eldest doing that kind of thing when we had friends round. "Mummy, do you think (visitors) would like a biscuit?"

She also liked to be the one offering the plate of biscuits around, which is also sweet.

@Christmasiscominghohoho

It's rude to ask for other peoples food if not offered

I'd never go up to my colleague and ask for one of her crisps, or sweets

My children have their own shit to eat. Maybe the issue here is parents depriving their children of treats so they have to beg relatives for scraps