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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU - my DM and sweets

266 replies

Widily · 13/08/2022 22:05

Caveat - she’s been staying with us for 3 weeks and we can have a rather strained relationship so I MBU and not her.

She has a weird thing with food where she refuses to share with anyone - fine. But she will literally sit in the living room and eat bags of sweets and chocolate bars in front of the children and will not give even one to them. They are kind of used to it now but tonight we’d all gone out for dinner, came home, kids are washed and ready for bed, teeth brushed and she sits down and opens a big share bag of sweets and proceeds to pop one in her mouth every ten seconds.

Youngest starts complaining - told clearly “no these are nannies”. Silence in the living room except for the crunching of bloody sweets every 10 seconds 😡

OP posts:
Discovereads · 14/08/2022 00:47

Taurine · 14/08/2022 00:43

Christ, are you so incapable of judging what is socially acceptable in any given scenario that you need a whole rule sheet covering every possibility?

Just eat alone at home, for everyone’s sake.

And here it is the intolerance for being ND. Typical really. Yes. I do need a rule sheet and apparently that’s impossible as there’s no consensus on what exactly the rules are?

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/08/2022 00:49

ilyx · 14/08/2022 00:43

Yes, not sharing sweets is the sign of an abusive, terrifying mother with petrified traumatised children. Polly shall I give you the name of this foster home? We can drop them off together! And then we can go and get some Maoams to share from the Co-op 😂😂😂😂

You love hyperbole don’t you? They’re clearly on eggshells if they’re too scared to ask Nanna for a sweet. Very defensive aren’t you.

Not really I just think the pearl clutching and sympathy for children over other peoples sweets is very, very funny

Gagaandgag · 14/08/2022 00:49

Yes it is rude but I think the children need to know that people don’t always have to share.

What other habits does she have? Did she do this to you?

Blev2022 · 14/08/2022 00:50

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/08/2022 00:39

@Blev2022 i think she 3 is an exception to most rules as they haven’t quite grasped what is polite yet!

but YABU to eat cinnamon rolls. Yak! What posted you? And to share with your child - poor thing! Wink

My husband made them I was being supportive 🤣 my DD after tasting it not so much 😉

Biggestjulie · 14/08/2022 00:50

It is rude, in any social setting, including family settings, and whether it includes children or not, to eat or drink without offering to share.

Imagine a guest comes round and you fancy a cup of tea. Of course you also offer your guest one. If you don’t, and drink it in front of them, you are shockingly rude. Same if you open a packet of biscuits. (Or sweets.)

I was taught that manners begin at home. Any small civilities you would offer your guest you should also offer your family (like always saying please or thank you. Manners are not just for outsiders!). If you opened a bag of sweets in front of guests folks would be shocked if you ate them all yourself. Your family should be treated with the same courtesy. This is especially important when there are children at home. They learn first from their family.

This is not bringing children up to be rude, as some PP declared. This is modelling good manners in the home.

As for the specific issue, if your MIL has a particular aversion to sharing her food, then it would be appropriate to ask her in a quiet moment to wait until the children were in bed to bring out the sweets - you could perhaps say that it is too tempting for them to see them when they have already brushed their teeth.

If your MIL won’t agree to this, I think since you want to teach your children manners you really need to say something privately to them like, “Well, of course it is good manners to share, but you must always wait until you are invited to have some, even if you want them very much.” (Not saying such a thing in front of Granny, of course - because that would be very rude indeed. Grannies must never be seen to be rebuked in front of grandchildren!)

That will, of course, be very puzzling to children who are repeatedly told to share, and it is odd and confusing not to see their elders doing the same. Manners can be difficult to navigate, especially for children who are just learning.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/08/2022 00:50

rainyskylight · 14/08/2022 00:45

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet to be honest, I didn’t need you letting me in on that little “secret” thanks.

I raised a perfectly reasonable question to the OP about whether this was happening every night or just a couple of times. Despite reading your helpful description of eating crisps, I doubt you would honestly believe it’s fine and normal to polish off a large bag of Haribo every night for three weeks. OP’s mum may be doing this at home every night as well. No need to leap on me for enquiring and making a whole lot of assumptions about me. Back off.

I genuinely wouldn’t give a shit what other people ate because again I don’t have an unhealthy relationship with food

Gagaandgag · 14/08/2022 00:51

Discovereads · 14/08/2022 00:47

And here it is the intolerance for being ND. Typical really. Yes. I do need a rule sheet and apparently that’s impossible as there’s no consensus on what exactly the rules are?

Yes I was thinking ND here too

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/08/2022 00:51

And fancy telling me to ‘back off’ when I answered a question you asked

Taurine · 14/08/2022 00:53

Discovereads · 14/08/2022 00:47

And here it is the intolerance for being ND. Typical really. Yes. I do need a rule sheet and apparently that’s impossible as there’s no consensus on what exactly the rules are?

Well I have no way of telling if a poster is ND or not, but I’m here to discuss the scenario in the OP and not to provide flowcharts of acceptability covering every possible scenario, where food might be present, that you decide to introduce.

Blev2022 · 14/08/2022 00:53

Discovereads · 14/08/2022 00:42

She has on occasion asked if she can taste her friends ice cream if she has a different flavour and then offers hers.

Not saying this is the case with your DD but I cannot stomach people licking each other’s ice cream cones. 🤢

I feel you. Very grim. But she also licked a window today so I can't envision it changing anytime soon 😶

rainyskylight · 14/08/2022 01:09

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet you literally quoted my post and made a joke out of laughing at me, and then followed up with several posts making a whole load of assumptions about me. So yes, back off. And in honesty if you do not truly care (which I doubt, because you’re really just delighting in being anonymous catty to strangers) about the “shit other people eat” then that’s pretty sad, because the original example here was OP’s own mother. Personally I think that families should look out for how other members look after themselves, particularly when they get older or are on their own a lot. No one asked about whether your kids are healthy despite eating a sharer bag of Walkers in front of the box 👍🏼.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/08/2022 01:17

Erm, you asked if you thought I set a healthy example to my kids. I answered. You seem to delight in making up that I eat a sharer bag of walkers in front of the ‘box’ in ‘one sitting’. Why have you made this up?

Are you always so anal about what other people eat? That’s not normal. you also seem to be very focussed on ‘unhealthy food = bad example/diadaster/need to look out for someone’ aka associating certain types of food with negative connotations. Also it a healthy attitude to have. At all.

And no I’m not an interfering weirdo so I don’t care about what other people eat, I assume other adults can take responsibility for their own diets. And if I ever dared challenge my mum why she was eating so many Haribo I think I’d be picking them out my anal cavity for being such a judgmental bitch.

Taurine · 14/08/2022 01:25

Erm, you asked if you thought I set a healthy example to my kids.
No she didn’t.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/08/2022 01:35

@Taurine yes she did.

00:31

Do you also think that that scale of regular sweet snacking is setting a good example to children?

Taurine · 14/08/2022 01:42

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/08/2022 01:35

@Taurine yes she did.

00:31

Do you also think that that scale of regular sweet snacking is setting a good example to children?

Unless you’re the OP’s DM, she wasn’t asking about your snack consumption.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/08/2022 01:49

Taurine · 14/08/2022 01:42

Unless you’re the OP’s DM, she wasn’t asking about your snack consumption.

Um, yes she was. At 00:31 like I said. After I said I have sharer bags/packs to myself

Taurine · 14/08/2022 02:07

Rainyskylight asked the OP:

”OP how often is she doing this? Every night? It sounds like an awful lot of sugar, that can’t be good for her. She really doesn’t sound like she has a healthy relationship with food.”

You interjected with a bunch of laughing smileys and “there’s always one”

Rainy replied, “Sorry what? You think it’s normal and healthy to regularly eat through an entire bag of sweets or large bar of chocolate in one sitting? Do you also think that that scale of regular sweet snacking is setting a good example to children?”

She is plainly talking about OP’s DM’s eating habits, particularly with respect to the apparent regularity of it.

Mamai90 · 14/08/2022 02:11

PollyRockets · 13/08/2022 22:24

@applegrumbles sometimes yeah

I really don't get the fuss

Although my children have never been entitled so maybe that's the difference here

Bore off 🙄

CloudCatz · 14/08/2022 02:21

He'd sit and eat them in front of my dogs as they drooled. I thought that was very rude. The dogs did as well.

It's rude to let your dog's sir staring and drooling at a guest eating in your home. My dogs would get told off and moved away for that. You might not mind begging behaviour from dogs but it's not fair for guests to feel guilty for eating or pressured into sharing with your dog.

Felicity42 · 14/08/2022 02:44

If the kids are very young then yeah of course it's mean.

They'll always remember her as mean Nana who doesn't share.
It's a peculiarity that's for sure.

It'd be the same as if she sat down in someone else's house and opened a bottle of wine she bought and didn't offer the grown ups any.

PoppyLupin · 14/08/2022 03:04

Yanbu. I wouldn't want my kids to go off to university having been brought up to think it's fine to sit chomping their way through bags of sweets without offering to others in the room. The other students would rightly think they were rude and odd.

JennyForeigner · 14/08/2022 04:41

Is she cos playing as Mrs Twit?

Stick her to the ceiling.

Shoxfordian · 14/08/2022 07:15

Have you spoken to your mil about it at all op?
It does seem a bit rude on both sides really- rude of her to not offer a sweet but rude of them to expect it or be hanging around her looking starving

whalleyt · 14/08/2022 07:24

Well I have no way of telling if a poster is ND or not, but I’m here to discuss the scenario in the OP and not to provide flowcharts of acceptability covering every possible scenario, where food might be present, that you decide to introduce.

😆

whalleyt · 14/08/2022 07:31

And if I ever dared challenge my mum why she was eating so many Haribo I think I’d be picking them out my anal cavity for being such a judgmental bitch.

😆, if that's what discipline looked like in your house that would explain a lot!