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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - my DM and sweets

266 replies

Widily · 13/08/2022 22:05

Caveat - she’s been staying with us for 3 weeks and we can have a rather strained relationship so I MBU and not her.

She has a weird thing with food where she refuses to share with anyone - fine. But she will literally sit in the living room and eat bags of sweets and chocolate bars in front of the children and will not give even one to them. They are kind of used to it now but tonight we’d all gone out for dinner, came home, kids are washed and ready for bed, teeth brushed and she sits down and opens a big share bag of sweets and proceeds to pop one in her mouth every ten seconds.

Youngest starts complaining - told clearly “no these are nannies”. Silence in the living room except for the crunching of bloody sweets every 10 seconds 😡

OP posts:
whalleyt · 14/08/2022 00:09

If your kids wanted half your chips at dinner would you give them to them?

well yes, if I didn't give them dinner & was eating in from of them.

BadNomad · 14/08/2022 00:09

But she didn't buy them to share. She bought them for herself. If they were for sharing, she would have offered them around. If someone isn't sharing their food, it's very rude to ask for some of it. Like I said earlier, I know adults who do this. They'll have their own food and want to try yours. Or worse, they finish theirs then turn their beady eyes to your plate and want to try it. It's unpleasant to eat with people staring down your throat. No one should have to share their food to be left alone.

toomuchlaundry · 14/08/2022 00:11

Do you eat a whole cake by yourself?

Discovereads · 14/08/2022 00:13

toomuchlaundry · 14/08/2022 00:11

Do you eat a whole cake by yourself?

Fairy cake? Yes.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/08/2022 00:14

@Discovereads i think the advice to hide chocolate and sweets is weird and just breeds an unhealthy relationship with food.

But apparently we have to give our precious sweets away so we can’t win

toomuchlaundry · 14/08/2022 00:14

Big chocolate cake, Victoria sponge, traybake?

BadNomad · 14/08/2022 00:14

Me? If I bought a cake for myself, yes I would eat it myself. But I don't buy cake for myself. If I bought chocolate for myself I would expect to eat it by myself. People are welcome to go get their own chocolate from the kitchen. I'm not their momma bird.

rainyskylight · 14/08/2022 00:14

OP how often is she doing this? Every night? It sounds like an awful lot of sugar, that can’t be good for her. She really doesn’t sound like she has a healthy relationship with food.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/08/2022 00:16

toomuchlaundry · 14/08/2022 00:11

Do you eat a whole cake by yourself?

No because I’m not the honey monster. That would be a bit much.

Cake is a ‘proper’ dessert I’d get in for the family, it’s too big for one person. Unlike a pack of sweets (and if it says sharing I’ll have half another time). Cake also goes stale easily so it’s a waste of it’s not shared out. Those sticker tabs on M&M’s meanwhile, exist for a reason 😂

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/08/2022 00:17

rainyskylight · 14/08/2022 00:14

OP how often is she doing this? Every night? It sounds like an awful lot of sugar, that can’t be good for her. She really doesn’t sound like she has a healthy relationship with food.

🤣🤣 there’s always one!

Taurine · 14/08/2022 00:18

BadNomad · 14/08/2022 00:09

But she didn't buy them to share. She bought them for herself. If they were for sharing, she would have offered them around. If someone isn't sharing their food, it's very rude to ask for some of it. Like I said earlier, I know adults who do this. They'll have their own food and want to try yours. Or worse, they finish theirs then turn their beady eyes to your plate and want to try it. It's unpleasant to eat with people staring down your throat. No one should have to share their food to be left alone.

Why are you describing entirely incomparable scenarios as if it’s somehow relevant to the thread?

This is not a case of everyone having their own food, but one diner also wanting some of somebody else’s.

This is a case of one person, a guest in someone else’s home, buying large amounts of treats for themselves only, not offering to share, and eating them in full view of everyone. It would be extremely rude behaviour if everyone were unrelated adults, add in that it’s a grandmother and her grandchildren and it’s also very unkind.

whalleyt · 14/08/2022 00:18

Now this thread is saying it’s rude to not share sweets/chocolate with your family?

if you are eating in front of others & they don't have anything yes it is rude. Certainly in my culture.

Discovereads · 14/08/2022 00:20

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/08/2022 00:14

@Discovereads i think the advice to hide chocolate and sweets is weird and just breeds an unhealthy relationship with food.

But apparently we have to give our precious sweets away so we can’t win

I agree a key symptom for several eating disorders is secret eating…it’s not healthy. I also think the offering of food is weirdly pressuring you to eat? Like if I were hungry, I’d have my own snack, I don’t want to feel impolite by saying “no” to someone’s dodgy signature lemon drizzle cake or to sampling an Aztec pink box of chocolates.

BadNomad · 14/08/2022 00:20

Taurine · 14/08/2022 00:18

Why are you describing entirely incomparable scenarios as if it’s somehow relevant to the thread?

This is not a case of everyone having their own food, but one diner also wanting some of somebody else’s.

This is a case of one person, a guest in someone else’s home, buying large amounts of treats for themselves only, not offering to share, and eating them in full view of everyone. It would be extremely rude behaviour if everyone were unrelated adults, add in that it’s a grandmother and her grandchildren and it’s also very unkind.

Show quote history

Because children who think it's ok to ask for your food grow up to be adults who think it's ok to ask for your food.

Discovereads · 14/08/2022 00:22

whalleyt · 14/08/2022 00:18

Now this thread is saying it’s rude to not share sweets/chocolate with your family?

if you are eating in front of others & they don't have anything yes it is rude. Certainly in my culture.

Cultures are just different brands of a society brainwashing rules into you, doesn’t mean those rules make sense or should be obeyed.

Taurine · 14/08/2022 00:22

BadNomad · 14/08/2022 00:20

Because children who think it's ok to ask for your food grow up to be adults who think it's ok to ask for your food.

Show quote history

Better than growing up as a weirdo adult who takes shareable sizes of food or drink to other peoples houses then scoff the whole lot in front of everyone.

BadNomad · 14/08/2022 00:23

Taurine · 14/08/2022 00:22

Better than growing up as a weirdo adult who takes shareable sizes of food or drink to other peoples houses then scoff the whole lot in front of everyone.

Show quote history

Or maybe their mother could have given them something from their own supply instead of sitting watching them beg their grandma.

whalleyt · 14/08/2022 00:23

Cultures are just different brands of a society brainwashing rules into you, doesn’t mean those rules make sense or should be obeyed.

😆

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 14/08/2022 00:23

Discovereads · 14/08/2022 00:22

Cultures are just different brands of a society brainwashing rules into you, doesn’t mean those rules make sense or should be obeyed.

Show quote history

Good point!

Discovereads · 14/08/2022 00:24

Taurine · 14/08/2022 00:22

Better than growing up as a weirdo adult who takes shareable sizes of food or drink to other peoples houses then scoff the whole lot in front of everyone.

Show quote history

What? You mean like that “weirdo” vegan family at every summer BBQ?
Still not getting why it’s ok to not share in certain circumstances, but being a weirdo in others? It just seems so arbitrary really.

whalleyt · 14/08/2022 00:25

Better than growing up as a weirdo adult who takes shareable sizes of food or drink to other peoples houses then scoff the whole lot in front of everyone.

it's likely they don't have much opportunity to visit other peoples houses! 😆

Taurine · 14/08/2022 00:26

BadNomad · 14/08/2022 00:23

Or maybe their mother could have given them something from their own supply instead of sitting watching them beg their grandma.

Show quote history

What makes you think they have their own supply?

Discovereads · 14/08/2022 00:26

whalleyt · 14/08/2022 00:25

Better than growing up as a weirdo adult who takes shareable sizes of food or drink to other peoples houses then scoff the whole lot in front of everyone.

it's likely they don't have much opportunity to visit other peoples houses! 😆

They don’t have to. Apparently it’s still rude in your own home with family! So strange.

BlodynGwyn · 14/08/2022 00:27

A woman I knew would sometimes drop her little boy (aged about 7) with me for a few hours. She'd leave him with snacks, crips and such. He'd sit and eat them in front of my dogs as they drooled. I thought that was very rude. The dogs did as well.

Taurine · 14/08/2022 00:27

Discovereads · 14/08/2022 00:24

What? You mean like that “weirdo” vegan family at every summer BBQ?
Still not getting why it’s ok to not share in certain circumstances, but being a weirdo in others? It just seems so arbitrary really.

Show quote history

Someone catering to their own restricted requirements is entirely different (as should be plainly obvious to anyone not being purposefully obtuse).