To not understand why some couples have to do everything together

[cadburyegg]

I see this SO often. Examples

• both parents coming to another child's birthday party with their only child
• both parents coming to school pick up
• my ex in laws won't do anything separately - mil won't go shopping without fil
• at an info evening for reception, several children had both parents there, which meant their (often multiple children) were there too, causing disruption and making it tricky to hear what was being said
• refusing to make plans with friends at the weekend because it's "family time"
• when I was on maternity leave with DC2 I took both children out for the day and saw someone I know. She couldn't believe my bravery at taking both of the children out by myself
• on more than one occasion I have met up with a friend and their partner has also been there or has shown up half way through lunch etc, which I wasn't aware of. Totally changes the dynamic
• I see it on Mumsnet too - one person not wanting to go to a family meal and leave the other with the children

I know it's nice to have family time of course but I struggle with the idea that some people can't do anything on their own.
I'm a single parent AND an only child and so I'm used to doing things on my own with or without the children! My children are NOT easy either before anyone comments, DC1 is hypersensitive and very clingy whilst DC2 had delayed motor skills which means he still struggles with some physical stuff. So AIBU? I don't get it. I'm sure there are valid reasons but what are they?

I agree with you OP, it's weird to do everything together. Me and DH do lots of things together, but if he goes to meet his friends one night I'm happy to have a night in to myself! Sometimes we l visit our parents alone without eachother. I'd rather meet my friends without DH there so we can properly chat. I've had friends before that would bring their boyfriend along to every night out, it was so annoying. My sibling and partner have to go everywhere together, they won't even be in different rooms to eachother and I think it's unhealthy.

I think there is a happy medium. Doing everything together is weird but never doing anything together probably means you don't like eachother!

Thinking back, when I saw this when my DC was younger it was usually families where both parents worked f/t and their DC were in f/t nursery til 6PM every day so I can understand more the mentality of feeling that everything had to be done together as there enormous chunks of time when the DC were with neither parent.

Some of your examples are fine OP, imposing uninvited people on an evening is dodgy, but you undermine them thinking you have the right to decide what constitutes a valid reason for someone to be in a public space.

i Do get your point but I’ve definitely done a few of those with DH when we’ve been elsewhere and decided to pop into Tesco for example.

the scenarios I have an issue with is husbands/partners turning up on a girls night out and those who bring the whole family to A&E

😂 yeah what dicks we are coming up with “excuses” like that, you know, we might actually love our partners ?

I used to think this was sweet and for many of those occasions listed (e.g.parents eve) I think it's OK and perfectly normal to both be cheering your DC on. I go with my ex even now.
But over the years I've actually discovered that with a lot of couples who do everything together it's a lot about control. Why do you need to shop together? Occasionally or on the way back from somewhere yes..but once a week? Who is controlling the finances? How exciting is a trip to tescos/sainsbo?!?
In some cases I look back (with an educated eye from work training and life experience) and think there's a bit of cohersion and control going on there with the 'everything together' lot. A few cases all out Domestic Abuse. I had a 'toddler group' mum friend whose husband turned up to everything half way through to check she got home OK. That's not kind that's controlling. I noticed she couldn't freely spend money either (talking £2 for a cake type thing. And no not skint. He just wanted to know what she spent. Every penny. We used to giggle about it. I don't now).
In the older long term couples a lot of codependance. Older men I find are quite old fashioned and jealous (talking my DPs generation).
It isn't that sweet at all. It's terrifying and insidious.
If your DH wants to come everywhere with you then alarm bells should be ringing.
And
If you can't take your kids out on your own, man or woman then you need to start (of course not including issues such as disability of either carer or child). It should be something every parent can do health and time permiting. It's essential parenting. Other examples- people who cant log into their bank and get a partner to do money, people who expect to be driven around but don't learn to drive, people who don't know who supplies utilities etc to their home and what they cost. Independence is vital. You never know when you'll need it.

Got a couple of retired neighbours. The men sulk if their wives go off to an exercise class or with a girlfriend for lunch

My husband and I are more of a divide and conquer couple. Kids are a lot of work, so it would drive me bonkers if he tagged along for every errand, kid party, etc. as I would think of all the things he could be getting done if we weren't together. We do the important stuff together when we can and when we are together, it's much nicer as I've missed him a bit. I don't think I'd like him half as much if we spent every second joined at the hip...we're much more interesting to each other if we spend time away as then we have more to talk about!

The supermarket thing annoys me as often the family take up loads of room & kids look really bored. Surely one parent could take them to the park instead? Obviously a single parent can't do that.

The one that drives me bonkers is M&S underwear department. So many men stood right in the way gawping at all the underwear. I would prefer to shop for underwear with no men hanging about. I was trying to look at pants yesterday & a man was stood in front of display & so I said excuse me. He moved a couple of inches & I had to ask him to move again he says 'oh I seem to be in the way' 'well it is the ladies department'. I don't understand women needing a husband to help choose pants. You never see women hanging about by the men's undies? 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Womblingforfree you hit the nail on the head about the control aspect. That's exactly what's going on in the case of my sibling. Control and jealousy.

Same. That's actually reasonable, whereas complaining because you've decided other people have less right than you to be in the supermarket or at an event is twat territory.

Maybe they like each other!

DH and I have separate nights out with friends and do work things etc alone but when we’ve no plans we like being together! Doing something boring like shopping is more fun with someone who you like chatting to and who makes you laugh. As for the weekend being family time, do you work full time? Surely if you do then you will understand that the weekends are precious as there isn’t a lot of hours in the day for quality time during the week?

I’ve seen people post about how they genuinely can’t be apart from their partner. Where they’ve been WFH and if their partner is away for more than 3-4 hours they ‘can’t cope’.

I love my DH but the idea that some people are unable to function without someone else is ridiculous.

I see plenty of women hanging out in the mens undies

As most of the time it's the women who do clothes shopping for everyone in their household, especially basics

My dad got the hump when my DM joined University of the 3rd age...she went once! She didn't go again.. they're both late 70s..
It's control. Took me a long time (whole life) to realise he does it with everything and is a controlling twat. (I'm on the OT too!). But like lobsters or frogs is it, your boiling in the pot until it's too late.

My husband and I do a lot together with the kids but we also do things separately when one isn’t available. We prefer to be together as a family when we can though. Don’t see the issue.

Each to their own tbh. Before my DH got sick we always did things on our own and we both go out separately with friends etc. Parents evenings and other kids stuff we did in the main together however he did rugby on a sunday as he was a coach and i took the others swimming. My DH has been ill for a few years so having maintained my own friendship group has been good for me.

My mum on the other hand became a widow at 50, her and my step dad did absolutely everything together, she didnt have friends that she saw. When he died she didnt know what to do with herself, She struggled for about ten years and only then did she start doing things with one of my step aunties. She is very reliant on family to help her with things and keep her company.

“Ah a jealousy comment, bingo! I didn't spend all this time getting rid of my ex and working my arse off to support my kids to feel jealous of people who can't do anything by themselves. Single mums aren't all jealous of couples or uncomfortable around them. Weird I know.“
So I ask again: why do you find that couples always seemingly doing stuff together irritating? I mean, you can’t really know whether their relationship is co-dependent or not. I’ve worked abroad a lot over the past 15 years, so we’ve spent quite a lot of time apart. We’ve also known people who have lost their partners young, and have regretted that they hadn’t spent more time together and now weren’t able to.
I don’t pity single parents or judge them otherwise, they mostly appear to be doing a great job bringing their children up, so I’m really not comprehending why you feel so strongly irritated by people getting along with each other?

🤣🤣🤣

The supermarket thing annoys me as often the family take up loads of room & kids look really bored. Surely one parent could take them to the park instead? Obviously a single parent can't do that.

I think children should learn to partake in normal activities that don't excite them, rather than going from being airlifted from park to park, to adulthood.

But over the years I've actually discovered that with a lot of couples who do everything together it's a lot about control. Why do you need to shop together? Occasionally or on the way back from somewhere yes..but once a week? Who is controlling the finances? How exciting is a trip to tescos/sainsbo?!?

I do see what you’re saying, but DH and I usually food shop together once a week. We don’t share money, I pay for food and he pays other bills. I’m quite particular about eating well and he isn’t, so I do the meal planning and cooking, therefore I like to do the weekly shop. He WFH and makes his own breakfast and lunch so he likes to come and put what he wants in the trolley.

During lockdown, I managed shopping alone just fine (he gave me a list) but I’d really rather he was there to deal with his own needs. If he’s busy when I’m food shopping, he goes alone at a different time, but then that’s a waste of petrol.

We both manage to go out with our own friends quite regularly without the other one there, but we do actually like to spend much of our free time with one another. That’s kind of why I married him.

Reading your thread title I was ready to say YANBU. I know what you mean, there are some couples who are weirdly joined at the hip and a little too co-dependent.

But pretty much everything you described are just things people like to do together. The whole point of being with someone you love is enjoying each other’s company - including the seemingly little things.

@Womblingforfree totally agree!

It also baffles me, I have a friend who sort of makes out that she's being controlled. But actually she doesn't want to work so she does this weird roll over I'm a helpless puppy thing and it drives me mad . I've spent time with both of them and it's not him. It's just a bizarre co dependant weird situation.

I have many married friends who do all sorts of things alone and together, they have good healthy relationships .

I guess it's horses for courses? Some people like being co dependent and some don't, and some are being controlled and abused and don't know or are you scared to do anything.

The 2 couples I know like this I would say the men are co-dependant.

One of them always hated being left alone with his own children.
The both worked in the same shop. During the holidays if he was the one at home he would go for the shop and hang around until she finished with the kids.
He spoiled a few days out I had with friend as he had a tantrum about being left for the day so they were called off. He would also come along to soft play, parties etc and then look annoyed at being there.

My MIL hated being left. Even when she was much younger she would ring DH to complain FIL had gone out for a few hours. Then ask why he couldn’t come home and go to the shop for her etc.

I think it’s a bit creepy when the other partner tags along where they are clearly not wanted - for example a man coming to a female friends get together or vice versa. I mean, their own partner might love their company but in all likelihood no one else does and they are just being polite!