To not understand why some couples have to do everything together

[cadburyegg]

I see this SO often. Examples

• both parents coming to another child's birthday party with their only child
• both parents coming to school pick up
• my ex in laws won't do anything separately - mil won't go shopping without fil
• at an info evening for reception, several children had both parents there, which meant their (often multiple children) were there too, causing disruption and making it tricky to hear what was being said
• refusing to make plans with friends at the weekend because it's "family time"
• when I was on maternity leave with DC2 I took both children out for the day and saw someone I know. She couldn't believe my bravery at taking both of the children out by myself
• on more than one occasion I have met up with a friend and their partner has also been there or has shown up half way through lunch etc, which I wasn't aware of. Totally changes the dynamic
• I see it on Mumsnet too - one person not wanting to go to a family meal and leave the other with the children

I know it's nice to have family time of course but I struggle with the idea that some people can't do anything on their own.
I'm a single parent AND an only child and so I'm used to doing things on my own with or without the children! My children are NOT easy either before anyone comments, DC1 is hypersensitive and very clingy whilst DC2 had delayed motor skills which means he still struggles with some physical stuff. So AIBU? I don't get it. I'm sure there are valid reasons but what are they?

@DirectionToPerfection I was just trying to explain why some couples do share their hobbies together or be at the same clubs so it might appear that they do everything together just because of how much they do together.

there is nothing wrong or unhealthy about it if you are lucky enough to share the same hobby and interests as your partner to choose to do almost everything together

@Arbesque friends yes unless the friend oked it don't bring or don't go easy, book club again unless it is a women only or men only no problem in both going if it is something both enjoy. as long as they choose an appropriate event where both are welcome nothing wrong with that

gp and shopping again having some company might make a grueling task less boring, often if one of us does tag along we combine it with getting a coffee or grabbing lunch or a meal out

@DirectionToPerfection sorry meant to tag you

Amen to this!

Why do you need a women only reading group? Are you sitting around in the altogether?

The book group I joined is women only. It wasn't planned that way, but no men were interested.

So is it women only or simply a group where no men have joined?

We were in a book group pre covid, OH came as well (shock horror), he was the only man but it was daytime and as were both retired convenient.

Both retired?

bloomin heck, I would have thought you would have wanted a bit of space from one another for the evening!!

I agree things like turning up unannounced at a lunch / night out or coming along trailing loads of kids to an event where that's not appropriate is odd.

That said, I know more couples who I think are quite the opposite.
All they do together is about the house / essentials.

The fun stuff?
He's out doing sports / drinking with his mates. She's out for cocktails with 'the girls'.
Fancy weekends away with friends, but maybe a self catering break on a wet campsite together.

That seems to me a bit sad:
like you selected a person who would make a competent life partner, but you don't actually enjoy their company all that much.

And I know someone will probably mention childcare, but most of the couples I've seen like that started out that way and / or have continued long beyond the 'small children' stage. But as they say, horses for courses.

Both retired?

bloomin heck, I would have thought you would have wanted a bit of space from one another for the evening!!

Maybe they haven't seen each other all day

My husband and I were like this for a bit when our kids were tiny for several reasons.

The biggest reason was I was assaulted & raped, left as a bloody mess, and it took me ages to regain my confidence, even longer to feel comfortable with others without essentially having him as back-up.

Strangers treated me better when he was around than when I was on my own, and we found the same was reversed too when our kids were involved. This may have improved, but some people were downright vile to him being a man with tiny kids without a woman involved.

We married as teens, had kids young, don't live near either of our families, and for a few years didn't really have anyone else in our daily lives we could rely on. I kept trying and would get knocked back to the point I'd go through periods of depression and not trying. I didn't have people to go to coffee mornings or lunches with for several years, not because I went out with my husband, but because when I went out alone to the toddler groups or even to the bloody shops, I'd get mocked for my age, or my accent and dialect, or my mobility devices, or that I wore a headcovering. I've been followed around shops having people shout shite at me. I ended up moving areas, but that's just having to start over again.

We also both have disabilities, some of which were new then that we were still working out. What was easy for other people wasn't so easy.

There is a lot out there on how a significant part of the population is isolated. Mine wore me down to the bone and yeah, I'd get to points where I'd give up trying to be more social when trying was hurting too much. That habit can get ingrained, many areas have few spaces for people to try again socially for adults, and people get stuck.

Well maybe

but let’s be honest - on a balance of probability… unlikely!

This may have improved, but some people were downright vile to him being a man with tiny kids without a woman involved.

come again?

I have friends like this. For a night out they will only come out together. If babysitter cancels then they both stay home instead of 1 out and other stay home.

Well we do see a lot of each other during the day but after years of working it's actually nice to sound time together doing not a lot. We actually get on well and have similar tastes, we even occasionally get an audio book and listen to it together.

We don't always go out together but if I go out for a meal he'll drop me off and pick me up so I don't have to drive.

I think the difference is wanting to do things together because the couple like to.
Or because one or both of them have to be together for most things.

We very rarely pick up the children together, when we do it's either because we had to go somewhere before or because sometimes it's just bloody nice, and the kids love it as well.

Shopping we mostly go together luckily we have an adult son who will watch the younger children (and to be quite frank it's a break for me esp when you have children with sen).

Parties nope unless its a close family or friend and they have invited us all.

We do lots apart and have our own friends as well as mutual.

Each to there own.

There's a big difference between enjoying each others company and doing lots of things together, and being so incapable of doing anything separately without it causing drama and upset. I think the OP is referring to the latter.

We have both gone together to do school pickups this week as it was our son's first week at school. We wouldn't do normally but the children like it when we do. We don't tend to do the food shop together unless we are on the way somewhere and need to do a quick shop. As for parents evening we now have a baby so wouldn't be able to go together but ours I'd online now anyway. We did have an information day for our son starting primary school and we both went. The reason was because we both wanted to, it's a special moment for us both but baby slept had she been a toddler one of us would have stayed at home. Neither of us tends to make plans separately on the weekend because I work on Saturdays so Sunday is our only full day as a family. When I had two under two I didn't take them to parks on my own as they would run on opposite directions and it was dangerous, much easier to take them to softplay when on my own.

The only issue I would have is interrupting a lunch date by bringing a partner. I would never do that, nor would my husband. We actually both agree that it is nice to do things on your own sometimes but we try to strike a balance. It helps that we are friends as well as spouses and we have a laugh together so spending time together isn't a chore.

Yeah, like the eejits who all troop into the supermarket together - maw, paw and all the kids.

I think it’s fine if you both like that. I was 40 when I got married. Casual boyfriends before that, always liked my own company. Me & DH do loads of things separately.
We have our own social lives, and do our own activities at the weekend. We suit each other, as we’re not codependent types. He had LTRs that he left, to have independence.

So is it women only or simply a group where no men have joined?

Just one that no men have joined. It is open to all, and the age range is about 40 to mid 80s.

Any of those things on their own is fine. It's the couples who go everywhere together, including crashing things they're not invited to, who are the subject of this thread.

A couple joining a mixed sex book club together is fine.

A couple joining a book club together and a choir together and a tennis club together and coming along to each others University reunions and insisting on shopping together even during Covid and both hanging around at every party their child is invited to makes me wonder if either is capable of doing anything alone.

I agree with the OP that it’s slightly worrying (and antisocial) when couples become so codependent they can’t function socially without their “other half” (and I hate this phrase).

But the examples she picked are singularly bad. Going to the supermarket together is just a matter of practicality and two parents showing up at school events is just a show of commitment really. And as for both parents turning up to kids parties I just couldn’t care less.

I think the reason this thread has taken off so much and the accusations of jealousy have Coke out is in large part because the examples are so irrelevant and poorly picked..

People bringing husbands or boyfriends to girls only events is rude and controlling and I would think poorly of a friend who did this repeatedly. Two parents going together to a parents information evening I really couldn’t give a rats arse.

I agree. Those examples aren’t very illustrative of the “never apart” couples. One of my examples upthread was when mil died, and dh was there and his db…. and sil. So some might say, “Oh, she was there to support bil”, but they were sitting together , with sil whispering as usual and they had their own sandwiches. Dh was very hurt as on that one occasion he thought it should be he and his db.

Well said!!