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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why some couples have to do everything together

791 replies

cadburyegg · 13/08/2022 16:48

I see this SO often. Examples

  • both parents coming to another child's birthday party with their only child
  • both parents coming to school pick up
  • my ex in laws won't do anything separately - mil won't go shopping without fil
  • at an info evening for reception, several children had both parents there, which meant their (often multiple children) were there too, causing disruption and making it tricky to hear what was being said
  • refusing to make plans with friends at the weekend because it's "family time"
  • when I was on maternity leave with DC2 I took both children out for the day and saw someone I know. She couldn't believe my bravery at taking both of the children out by myself
  • on more than one occasion I have met up with a friend and their partner has also been there or has shown up half way through lunch etc, which I wasn't aware of. Totally changes the dynamic
  • I see it on Mumsnet too - one person not wanting to go to a family meal and leave the other with the children

I know it's nice to have family time of course but I struggle with the idea that some people can't do anything on their own.
I'm a single parent AND an only child and so I'm used to doing things on my own with or without the children! My children are NOT easy either before anyone comments, DC1 is hypersensitive and very clingy whilst DC2 had delayed motor skills which means he still struggles with some physical stuff. So AIBU? I don't get it. I'm sure there are valid reasons but what are they?

OP posts:
tinplantpot · 13/08/2022 17:02

My partner works away during the week. Sometimes he's away for months at a time.

Damn right we spend weekends together as much as we can.

What's it got to do with anyone else?

UglyNameChange · 13/08/2022 17:02

I know you’re comming from very different place,but….

As a lifelong single I just kept smiling through your list, because it sounded so nice.
It would have been amazing if someone would have wanted to do all that with me.

Better that than having to do everything (although I don’t have anywhere near as much to do) all alone….

ilovesooty · 13/08/2022 17:03

Aquamarine1029 · 13/08/2022 16:54

Of course you're being unreasonable. It has fuck all to do with you and doesn't impact you whatsoever. Why would you even care?

It impacts her if partners turn up to a social event she'd planned with one other person.

Hugasauras · 13/08/2022 17:04

MomwasCasual · 13/08/2022 16:58

Hmm me and DH have separate and very different hobbies, meet ups and nights out with our own friends etc but most of the time I guess we're together. We both WFH for example, and without wanting to sound too twatty, he really is my favourite person to hang out with.

And like fuck am I going supermarket shopping on my own.

Yes, this really. We do plenty apart but we enjoy doing nursery pick-up together and round here it's common for both parents to go to birthday parties 🤷‍♀️ I took DD to a soft play party on my own recently and was very much in the minority for not having my husband with me! Chores and stuff like supermarket shopping I'd much rather do together because it's just nicer and more enjoyable that way.

But we have our own interests, we go on trips away without the other, etc.

TokyoTen · 13/08/2022 17:04

Newsflash: some couples enjoy being together! I've been with DP 27 years, still love being with him. Yes of course I can do anything by myself and so can he but we choose not to.

namechangetheworld · 13/08/2022 17:04

I agree with you OP, aside from the school info evening part - we do both go to those because we know there would be a lot to remember. I'm happily married and really love spending time as a family, but I do find adults who can't do things without their significant other a bit pathetic. Both parents going to school pick up or a birthday party makes me cringe for them, and family outings to the supermarket simply give me the rage. They're not jobs that require two fully grown, able bodied adults carry them out for goodness sake.

munchiemarie · 13/08/2022 17:05

litlealligator · 13/08/2022 16:58

Some people actually like their partners and enjoy spending time together as a family?

Well yes, of course. You'd hope so.I love spending time with my DH, he's my favourite person.

But it's situations where you're invited out with girlfriends and 1 brings their DH. When half of a couple can't possibly do anything without the other. That's when it's very annoying.

MynameisJune · 13/08/2022 17:07

Well we have small kids so I’d never take DH supermarket shopping unless I absolutely had to because that means they come. Supermarkets are hell at the best of times without extra people milling about like it’s a day at the beach or something.

We’ve been together 18 years, I quite like him 😁 but I also like doing things on my own and I think it’s healthy to not live in each other pockets

Hugasauras · 13/08/2022 17:07

pathetic. Both parents going to school pick up or a birthday party makes me cringe for them, and family outings to the supermarket simply give me the rage. They're not jobs that require two fully grown, able bodied adults carry them out for goodness sake.

See this really baffles me. Okay the birthday party thing but both parents picking up their child from school? Confused in the supermarket? Of course those things don't need two people, a lot of stuff doesn't, but why does one person have to sit at home doing something else if they actually want to come alone? I find it so odd.

MynameisJune · 13/08/2022 17:08

The only time we do school runs together are if we’re going out somewhere after or have been out together beforehand otherwise we both work.

aSofaNearYou · 13/08/2022 17:08

Me and my DP do most things together. The main reason is that I can't drive, so it's usually more practical for him to drive me places. But also a lot of the time we'd just both like to go, and in the only example you've given that might affect others - the open evening - I imagine the logic is that they both wanted to hear the information rather than have it relayed to them by their partner's limited memory.

I would always prefer a day out with the kids with my DP over alone, as I do find it stressful, and with two adults you can actually carve out times to relax a little and actually enjoy yourself.

As for "family time" - some people might feel that's their only opportunity for quality time with the kids that week. It totally depends how busy your life is.

thinking123 · 13/08/2022 17:09

HundredMilesAnHour · 13/08/2022 16:54

Totally agree with you OP. Some people are co-dependent and then use excuses like "we like each other" to cover up their weaknesses whilst managing to insult everyone else at the same time. Dreadful people.

And that's not at all insulting!

burnoutbabe · 13/08/2022 17:10

bringing boyfriend/hubby along to a pre-arranged girls nighgt out is strange - unless agreed in advance (enthusiastically)

the rest seems fine. Me and boyfriend went supermarket shopping together in the pandemic as we have to walk, no car, so needs 2 of us to carry stuff. if a small store, one waited outside, if a big sainsburies we both went in and went round with our own lists.

bringting lots of extra people to a party could be considered rude, depending on how the invite was worded and impact on other guests.

Hugasauras · 13/08/2022 17:10

Is this a post-Covid thing where bringing more people than strictly required to something is now seen as weird or causing some sort of problem for other people? Everything that can be done solo has to be done solo for some unquantifiable reason?

And my DD loves going to the supermarket so we go en familie and if we irritate people then it's unfortunate to be them I suppose Grin

notreallynoo · 13/08/2022 17:12

We will sometimes go to kids party if we don't know the parents because we will sit and chat. If it's a friends kids party il go alone as dh wud be sat on his lonesome while I'm with my friends. We do parents evenings together if we can get a babysitter otherwise one goes. We go out on day trips together but will do single if one of us is busy. But if I'm meeting a friend no way would I bring dh! I was a single parent for a couple of year never thought anything of taking kids out . Also use to be a childminder would often take 6 kids out!!!

Hugasauras · 13/08/2022 17:12

The friend thing is super weird, granted, but I don't know anyone who would do that thankfully!

Original poster
cadburyegg · 13/08/2022 17:15

It's not people spending time together that I have an issue with - it's people refusing to do things without their partner that baffles me. Of course it makes sense that a couple might go to a supermarket together if they both want different things but I think it's quite sad if you have to wait for your partner to get home if you want to go out for a pint of milk.

OP posts:
nicknamehelp · 13/08/2022 17:15

Certain things I can see is annoying like both parents dropping/picking up at activities and both have to be right at entrance every time is annoying as it blocks up the entrance when it only really needs 1 to go to actual entrance and perhaps just leave the other for a few mins in the car. Or the really good one is the same family of mum,dad 2 younger siblings all having to be in the small changing room at dance every week for older sibling taking up lots of space so others can't get in.

If both together fair enough but actual handover timing only 1needs to step forward.

My other pet hate is whole families in supermarkets taking up whole aisle. 😒

But things like meals etc I can see its nice to do altogether.

Cactusprick · 13/08/2022 17:16

Life’s too short. Some people want to enjoy the company of their husband/ wife all the time. just spending time with your best friend, what’s wrong with that if they both want to?
going to information evening about school - I wouldn’t expect anything other than both parents going.

BigFatLiar · 13/08/2022 17:17

We're retired and although we don't do everything together we do do a lot together. Shopping together is more fun than alone, we argue over all the extras we're adding to the cart and often go for tea/coffee after.

RaininSummer · 13/08/2022 17:21

Pretty pathetic to always do this but I do understand the weekend family time to a degree if they wotlrk in the week. Nice to have friends round or meet too though with the children.

burnoutbabe · 13/08/2022 17:21

i mean you get to an age when you both wfh all week and going to the supermarket together is actually an excting way to spend your time! you can even have a coffee in the supermarket cafe as well! plus a cake if feeling decadent.

couples going to the supermarket together seems a weird thing to be annoyed about to be fair.

Stripedbag101 · 13/08/2022 17:24

I used to work With a woman who would go on business trips alone! She would only go if her husband could go to.

career limiting and just really odd.

while I understand enjoying the company of your spouse, I can’t imagine being so co dependent that I couldn’t go out with friends, travel with work or go to the shops without my other half.

the world must become quite small.

sunsoutmumsout · 13/08/2022 17:24

It does seem like on MN that many posters struggle / are incapable of parenting on their own as evidenced by the amount of threads where mums on maternity leave insist their working husband wakes all through the night too.

Tesoroxx · 13/08/2022 17:25

I have mental health problems that mean I struggle to do stuff alone my husband coming with me means I don't miss out on things for my children like taking them to school, he does take them to parties alone though as we have more than 1 child and siblings wouldn't be attending but just because my brain wont let me go and do the shop alone doesn't mean I don't want to do it it just means I need support. Maybe you shouldn't be so quick to judge