To not understand why some couples have to do everything together

[cadburyegg]

I see this SO often. Examples

• both parents coming to another child's birthday party with their only child
• both parents coming to school pick up
• my ex in laws won't do anything separately - mil won't go shopping without fil
• at an info evening for reception, several children had both parents there, which meant their (often multiple children) were there too, causing disruption and making it tricky to hear what was being said
• refusing to make plans with friends at the weekend because it's "family time"
• when I was on maternity leave with DC2 I took both children out for the day and saw someone I know. She couldn't believe my bravery at taking both of the children out by myself
• on more than one occasion I have met up with a friend and their partner has also been there or has shown up half way through lunch etc, which I wasn't aware of. Totally changes the dynamic
• I see it on Mumsnet too - one person not wanting to go to a family meal and leave the other with the children

I know it's nice to have family time of course but I struggle with the idea that some people can't do anything on their own.
I'm a single parent AND an only child and so I'm used to doing things on my own with or without the children! My children are NOT easy either before anyone comments, DC1 is hypersensitive and very clingy whilst DC2 had delayed motor skills which means he still struggles with some physical stuff. So AIBU? I don't get it. I'm sure there are valid reasons but what are they?

I'm sorry you find DH and me such inadequate humans 😂We meet many of your criteria. I don't think we're weirdos; have a glimpse into our world and see what you make to it ☺️

Kids parties are really dull on your own, especially when conversation runs dry with the other parents. Those parties in Reception were loooong. And very, very regular.

We do pick up on the way home from work. It would feel really odd for one of us to sit in the car and gaze out of the window/at the phone whilst the other went to pick her up (in Y3/4 we still have to go over to where their classrooms are to get them rather than wait in the car park for them to come to us).

During term time, we generally go to the supermarket before we go and pick her up from a sports match on Saturday mornings. We both want to see her play a bit (but not necessarily the whole match, see above re other parents and parties). During the holidays I suppose it's just habit to go together and DD enjoys ticking things off the list. To be honest I'd never really thought about it.

We went together to the Reception info evening because we were both really excited about her starting school - it seemed a huge step and we wanted to soak it all in. We're over that one now 😂.

I don't think we would ever say we refuse other plans, but we do prioritise family time. During the week we only see her for a couple of hours max in the evenings as she has to be in school by 0810 and goes to after school club so we can work. We don't usually pick her up until 1745, she's in bed at 1930 and has to have dinner and do music practice in that time.

I wouldn't have commented that you were amazing for taking your kids out and I wouldn't show up at DH's function (unless it was joint friends or something).

We're only ever invited to family things as a family, so that means all three of us. That might be influenced by the fact that neither DH nor I have much in the way of extended family, so it's mostly the GPs plus us.

I guess we might look very insular to you as you'd see us together a lot. It's not that we can't do anything apart it's governed more by convenience and our particular circumstances.

I don't hate the other school parents by the way, they are nice people and I am quite friendly with some of them. We don't have a huge amount in common with them besides school though, and there's only so many times I can discuss whether Miss Jones is more strict than Mr Brown!!

Do you know anyone who actually waits for their partner before they go and get some milk?

but just because you choose to go to shops with your partner does not in any way mean you can't go on your own if needed/you want to?

one or other of us often goes on way home from work. But if both home together then we'd probably both go together, assuming no one had anything else they'd rather do (go to gym next to Aldi for example so one gyms/one shops, gets us both out of the house and some fresh air)

Those things are hardly enjoyable activities for the whole family though - they're chores. Trip to the zoo or the farm park? A fun family activity. Dropping your child at school or doing the weekly shop? Who honestly WANTS to do that?

Do you know anyone who actually waits for their partner before they go and get some milk?

yep, my ex mil as I mentioned in my OP won't go to a shop without her husband.

I never actually said I thought it was weird for couples to go to the supermarket together so idk why people are latching onto that.

My brother and sister in law are like this. I think it's because she doesn't trust him.

We always used to go together for school pick up/drop off when at primary and it was walking distance. It was nice for DCs to have us both there and wee we'd would have a chat on the way. Didn't realise we shouldn't!

wee we'd would
Mumsnet auto correct t is the best!

I’m part of a couple that generally does things together, but that doesn’t mean always… E.g. DH (retired) meets up with old workmates several times a year while I’m at work, and I go out with workmates and friends without him. If we’re visiting families (both mine and his) we tend to go together because we get on with all family members and enjoy their company.
I wonder why this irritates the OP? Is there possibly a hint of jealousy there?

it is probably noticeable to have two parents whose work schedule allows them both to be free mid afternoon.

I have done the school pick up for my sister a few times and the only couples I see are retired grandparents. Over the years I have never seen a working age couple together at pick up

I don't make plans with friends at the weekend because it's my time with my partner.

I don't see him all week and sometimes for months.

Why do you care?

Dh works full time and I work part time shifts around his work schedule because we don't have/can't afford childcare. Most of the time we are like ships in the night. When we do have time together or time as a family you better believe we are spending it together even if that means food shopping or school pick up 😂

We wouldn't do a children's birthday party as a family though (unless it was a relative and we were all expected to be there) and neither of us would gatecrash the others meet ups with friends.

It's not that we can't do things separately, dh works weekends so the dc's wouldn't get to do much if I didn't take them out on my own. And we have our own social lives, hobbies and are capable of of running errands without holding each others hands. It's just that, because time together is scarce, we try to do things together when we can.

Also I noticed the same thing happen at the reception information evening I went to recently. I left the dc's at home with dh while I went because it didn't occur to me that you would bring dc's to something like that. But loads of parents brought dc's and it was very disruptive tbh.

I find this weird too. The other day there were two parents waiting to collect 1 DC from swimming lessons. Each parent was holding an end of the towel to wrap her up in 😂 they took up the whole corridor. We take it in turns and every other week is enough for me.

whole family school runs etc also weird. Both parents plus siblings at parties seems normal here- One of us would stay at home with the (uninvited!!) children.

Because most people like their partners and want to spend time with them

It's not a case of not being able to do things alone but some of your list is baffling

Why would one parent go for dinner and leave the other at home with the kids?

It's ridiculous.

Shows they are insecure either in themselves, in their partner, or both. Like they want to keep an eye on the other at all times, or don't like to make decisions by themselves, or want to drag the other out for the sake of it.

Or perhaps it is a fear of missing out. All equally rather pathetic reasons.

There is absolutely no reason at all for both people to go to everything.

I never get this. My husband is my best friend and partner, he is the person I want to spend most time with. We both work full time so weekends are family time, where we do stuff together as a family.

we also go to parents evening together, didn’t realise there was anything wrong with that?

I don’t get all this ‘cringing for them’ because a couple are doing things together.

why can’t a couple go shopping? What’s so cringey about that? Maybe people like to do it together so they have equal input into what they’re going to be eating.

I don’t have kids, but why would I want to go to the supermarket alone?! We’re shopping for both of us, why wouldn’t we both be there. I don’t want to have to carry all the bags etc myself either, it’s an easier task with both of us.

I CAN go on my own if required, but why would I?!

I do agree that turning up for a meal with friends is a bit odd though.

WTF😭😭
'Dreadful people for spending time together'
And feeling insulted by happy couples
Oh dear

We enjoy each other's company and find things more enjoyable or less arduous together.

Obviously you are completely free to spend your time as you want.

but how do you maintain friendships?

I ontl see my fronds at weekends - not every weekend of course. But weekdays are too busy - we all have careers, work very long hours, some have kids etc. so the weekend really is the only time free to catch up. Partners don’t tend to join. I have about four separate friendship groups who meet up at various towns - it is always weekends.

if a friend said she was only seeing her partner at weekends then that friendship would be over.

it is probably noticeable to have two parents whose work schedule allows them both to be free mid afternoon. I have done the school pick up for my sister a few times and the only couples I see are retired grandparents. Over the years I have never seen a working age couple together at pick up
We had retired so could be there, which is similar to the grandparent reason, I guess. A couple of friends of ours having their own businesses would often go together too.
Now that school is a 30 min drive away we do tend to take it in turns.

Bloody hell, this is so unnecessarily judgmental.

I think it says more about the people that find the simple act of doing things together a sign of insecurity (huge leap) or patheticness than the other way around. HAVING to do things together, maybe. But just tending to? Totally unnecessary to judge this way.

Ah a jealousy comment, bingo! I didn't spend all this time getting rid of my ex and working my arse off to support my kids to feel jealous of people who can't do anything by themselves. Single mums aren't all jealous of couples or uncomfortable around them. Weird I know.

Personally I only have an issue with the ones who have a shared email address.

round here it's common for both parents to go to birthday parties

So if ten children are invited, potentially twenty adults turn up? What a nightmare for the host, and overwhelming for the children. And what if it's a whole class party? Sixty adults filling the party space, none of them invited by the party child.