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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why some couples have to do everything together

791 replies

cadburyegg · 13/08/2022 16:48

I see this SO often. Examples

  • both parents coming to another child's birthday party with their only child
  • both parents coming to school pick up
  • my ex in laws won't do anything separately - mil won't go shopping without fil
  • at an info evening for reception, several children had both parents there, which meant their (often multiple children) were there too, causing disruption and making it tricky to hear what was being said
  • refusing to make plans with friends at the weekend because it's "family time"
  • when I was on maternity leave with DC2 I took both children out for the day and saw someone I know. She couldn't believe my bravery at taking both of the children out by myself
  • on more than one occasion I have met up with a friend and their partner has also been there or has shown up half way through lunch etc, which I wasn't aware of. Totally changes the dynamic
  • I see it on Mumsnet too - one person not wanting to go to a family meal and leave the other with the children

I know it's nice to have family time of course but I struggle with the idea that some people can't do anything on their own.
I'm a single parent AND an only child and so I'm used to doing things on my own with or without the children! My children are NOT easy either before anyone comments, DC1 is hypersensitive and very clingy whilst DC2 had delayed motor skills which means he still struggles with some physical stuff. So AIBU? I don't get it. I'm sure there are valid reasons but what are they?

OP posts:
LondonWolf · 13/08/2022 17:43

when I was on maternity leave with DC2 I took both children out for the day and saw someone I know. She couldn't believe my bravery at taking both of the children out by myself

I'm a single parent too and get this a lot. I have two children and was a lone parent with no support from when they were 2 & 5. It was fine, great at times actually. Honestly I find people who can't manage their children alone a bit pathetic tbh.

AlwaysLatte · 13/08/2022 17:43

Personally I only have an issue with the ones who have a shared email address.
Now that is odd!

doyourememberwhen · 13/08/2022 17:46

I had a friend like this, they did everything together at the weekend which would involve the exact scenario you described - all four of them turning up at a birthday party for a three year old then sitting there looking bored.

As far as I'm concerned sitting through someone else's child's 3rd birthday party was a chore, so why on earth would both parents put themselves through it. It's not quality family time it's just strange.

Ditto things like B and Q "we do everything as a family". But why? Why doesn't one of you hop in the car and go get hardware instead of dragging the kids out etc etc. I'd feel suffocated if I lived my life like that.

My friend used to think it was incredibly weird that I would do things like socialise without my DH or go to the gym at the weekend. Her DH actually buggered off and left her for another woman when the kids were about 5 and 7 which was really fucking sad and awful so I'm not convinced these limpet couples are all coming from a sound relationship base.

luxxlisbon · 13/08/2022 17:46

Some very bizarre comments on this thread. We chose to spend a lot of time together, including going to the supermarket together, nursery pick up if we are both free, even kids parties. We got married because we actually like each other and enjoy spending time together.
No insecurity in myself, partner or relationship and certainly not wanting to keep an eye on him.

LondonWolf · 13/08/2022 17:47

Jealousy?! Honestly I mostly pity and roll my eyes at the co-dependent couples around me. It blows my mind the crap that some of my friends and family put with from their significant others because they can't deal with being alone. Every couple I know has issues within their relationship I couldn't stand to have to deal with. I've done my time in the LTR lifestyle thanks.

AlwaysLatte · 13/08/2022 17:48

We never both took them to parties though unless we were invited. We and our friends tended to invite the parents for a glass of wine though, but that's different of course.

HikingforScenery · 13/08/2022 17:48

DH and I hardly do things together when it comes to school, apart from parents’ evenings because we’ve to balance childcare. I think it’s nice when families do things together.
Perhaps, you’re finding it unusual because you’re a single parent?
The parent info example , I’m glad both parents went. Makes a good chance from it being all mums.

corblimeym8 · 13/08/2022 17:49

Kids parties are really dull on your own, especially when conversation runs dry with the other parents. Those parties in Reception were loooong. And very, very regular.

Exactly. Always honour 1 adult only is on the invite. Otherwise, I will attend along with DP and baby. Other families do the same, and yes, we all socialise and make a 'day out' for the babies, sorry🥲.

I can only imagine some people bitterly dislike they're partner or are unhappily single to bothered about some of these things (when the actual participants are fine with it themselves). Going to the supermarket with a partner is pathetic? I've never even heard of that.

Original poster
cadburyegg · 13/08/2022 17:50

Why would one parent go for dinner and leave the other at home with the kids?

Lots of reasons. If a child is sick, if the meal is at bedtime etc etc. so because the parents decide the children can't go, both of them miss out on the meal too, instead of just one of them.

OP posts:
dmask · 13/08/2022 17:51

I think you’re confusing a lot of things there. Yes it’s unreasonable to take your whole family to a party if only one child is invited. That’s not the same as two parents working full time and wanting to spend weekends together to have family time as they don’t get much of it in the week.

middleager · 13/08/2022 17:51

MiL and FIL are like this. She doesn't drive either, so they go everywhere together. Even the dentist and GP.
They say: "We like" rather than "I like" or "we think" etc. Very odd.

tinplantpot · 13/08/2022 17:51

I see my friends during the week or at weekends when he is away for months at a time @Stripedbag101 But when he's home I don't see friends on the weekend.

Echobelly · 13/08/2022 17:51

DH and I are pretty independent, but I've never cared if other people like to do everything together.

Re: school information nights and stuff like that - I think it's good for both parents to go. Rather than one parent (usually mum, let's face it) having to feed back to another and being more likely to end up sole parent responsible for school stuff they both get the full picture; it's a sensible thing to do if you are able.

ilovesooty · 13/08/2022 17:51

I have a friend who used to refer to "going to the dentist as a family" as though this was quality family time 😁

TreacheryPepper · 13/08/2022 17:51

Whilst I do do some things without DH, I prefer it when we're together. I quite like him. He's my best friend as well as my lover.

ClottedCreamAndStrawberries · 13/08/2022 17:51

I dunno, because I adore my DH and I love being with him 🤷‍♀️

SquirrelCity · 13/08/2022 17:52

Well the party and school pick up one are easy - DH and I really like each other and we get to spend time talking to each other either DC are playing in the party, or on the way to the school pick up together. Then we get a nice cycle home together (commute by bike) with DC too. It's a way of making a nice event from a mundane task.

Mally100 · 13/08/2022 17:52

HikingforScenery · 13/08/2022 17:48

DH and I hardly do things together when it comes to school, apart from parents’ evenings because we’ve to balance childcare. I think it’s nice when families do things together.
Perhaps, you’re finding it unusual because you’re a single parent?
The parent info example , I’m glad both parents went. Makes a good chance from it being all mums.

Agree. We do alot together. Why? Because we enjoy each others company and weekends are mostly the only time we get to spend together. We do things separately on the odd occasion. Maybe as we are both introverts as well.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 13/08/2022 17:53

My PiL do their grocery shopping to help each other.

Family meals - well maybe they all want to see each other. Maybe family want to see the dc? Maybe the parents have no other childcare?

Info evenings/school events - brilliant that both parents want to go. Haven't you seen all the posts about dads not being engaged in school?

hamsterchump · 13/08/2022 17:53

@cadburyegg I know you saw the jealousy comment as a bingo but honestly you wouldn't even notice this as a thing if you weren't at least a little jealous, it's written all over every single one of your posts.

warofthemonstertrucks · 13/08/2022 17:54

I do r do EVERYTHING with DP-we have our our own friends that we see separately but generally we do most stuff together at weekends etc because we love being together I suppose

ilovesooty · 13/08/2022 17:54

middleager · 13/08/2022 17:51

MiL and FIL are like this. She doesn't drive either, so they go everywhere together. Even the dentist and GP.
They say: "We like" rather than "I like" or "we think" etc. Very odd.

Yes. Couple - wife gave up driving. Doesn't do anything by herself. The references to "we like" "we think"...

It's as if they no longer exist as individuals - from her poiht of view anyway.

doyourememberwhen · 13/08/2022 17:56

hamsterchump · 13/08/2022 17:53

@cadburyegg I know you saw the jealousy comment as a bingo but honestly you wouldn't even notice this as a thing if you weren't at least a little jealous, it's written all over every single one of your posts.

She doesn't sounds remotely jealous to me.

I've been happily married since 2007 and I agree with the OP.

Murdoch1949 · 13/08/2022 17:58

I agree with you. I have a friend with whom I have lunches, coffee etc, but her husband always wants to join us. Occasionally, fine, but it’s nice to be able to chat about things that wouldn’t interest him. Regarding children, and both parents, I used to regard it as a waste of one parent’s time. I could take them to party, library, shopping, whatever while my husband did his own thing at home or out & about. Obviously sometimes it’s lovely to do things together, but not chore type activities! Some parents never do anything separately, I wonder how they cope when the inevitable split happens (statistically a third of marriages end in divorce).

aSofaNearYou · 13/08/2022 17:58

cadburyegg · 13/08/2022 17:50

Why would one parent go for dinner and leave the other at home with the kids?

Lots of reasons. If a child is sick, if the meal is at bedtime etc etc. so because the parents decide the children can't go, both of them miss out on the meal too, instead of just one of them.

Yes but when that's not the case, it's perfectly normal and standard for both to go.