To not understand why some couples have to do everything together

[cadburyegg]

I see this SO often. Examples

• both parents coming to another child's birthday party with their only child
• both parents coming to school pick up
• my ex in laws won't do anything separately - mil won't go shopping without fil
• at an info evening for reception, several children had both parents there, which meant their (often multiple children) were there too, causing disruption and making it tricky to hear what was being said
• refusing to make plans with friends at the weekend because it's "family time"
• when I was on maternity leave with DC2 I took both children out for the day and saw someone I know. She couldn't believe my bravery at taking both of the children out by myself
• on more than one occasion I have met up with a friend and their partner has also been there or has shown up half way through lunch etc, which I wasn't aware of. Totally changes the dynamic
• I see it on Mumsnet too - one person not wanting to go to a family meal and leave the other with the children

I know it's nice to have family time of course but I struggle with the idea that some people can't do anything on their own.
I'm a single parent AND an only child and so I'm used to doing things on my own with or without the children! My children are NOT easy either before anyone comments, DC1 is hypersensitive and very clingy whilst DC2 had delayed motor skills which means he still struggles with some physical stuff. So AIBU? I don't get it. I'm sure there are valid reasons but what are they?

I think whole family turning up at a kids birthday is a bit ridiculous and unnecessary fails to appreciate that it’s the day of the birthday child really.

I know of a family where the parents and grandparents would go to everything. So 4 x adults at parents evening parties etc.

yes i had to tell my parents off for that, never knew who i was chatting to. they have their own now (they are 75)

Shared facebook accounts does scream to me SOMEONE CHEATED HERE.

This thread has been an eye opener - I’m with the OP and for mundane things listed, we deployed a ‘divide and conquer’ strategy from very early on - even now the DC are older we wouldn’t go to Tesco together unless it was for The Big Christmas Shop and I needed a physical hand.

I’ve always felt like the OP and my DM was the same with DF so I thought it was the norm. There was a couple at my DC school that would always pick up together but I assumed they didn’t work and had nothing better to do - it’s not exactly a joy-filled activity (not at our primary school anyway!).

Both parents always coming to birthday parties or school pick ups mean the party venues / playgrounds are more crowded. The parents evening example where one parent didn't even take their disruptive kids out. People refusing to see their friends at weekends mean friendships often die out. A partner appearing during a lunch when you're talking about something sensitive. I don't think it's particularly hard to comprehend why these things are irritating.

Also just to reiterate once again, I never once said it was weird for a couple to go shopping together.

It would not suit me and DH at all but if that's how they roll, fine.

I’d say mind your own business to be honest.
The fact that you felt it necessary to come into an Internet forum and complain at how other people live their lives is a bit ridiculous 😂
Id be embarrassed and asking the mods to take it down.
Live your life the way you choose and stop worrying about how other people choose to live theirs.
It is literally None.Of.Your.Business

I personally love doing stuff without DH, but I know plenty of couples who don’t, and that’s what makes them happy

My exMIL and her third husband went everywhere together because they had both had multiple affairs in their previous marriages and neither trusted the other. They only had one car. He dropped her off at work and then went to work. Neither went a anywhere or did anything without the other.Even getting a pint of milk from tesco involved both of them

We occasionally go out with our friends separately, wouldn't dream of turning up uninvited, but we enjoy each others company, and do most things together. Why wouldn't we ? During the week, couples are often busy, and don't have much time together, so yes, it's family time.

Each to her/his own, but I do find it a bit odd. My folks did absolutely everything together, including all shopping, after my DF retired, and IMO that made it so much harder for my DM after DF died at only 72.

Dh and I have had a long and happy marriage (48 years so far!) but have never been joined at the hip. He recently did a month long trip on his own - basically to see very old friends in Oz, but with sundry other stops. Fine with me - I can’t face very long haul flights any more, even if we lash out with business class, like a former together-trip to Oz.

But over the years I've actually discovered that with a lot of couples who do everything together it's a lot about control. Why do you need to shop together? Occasionally or on the way back from somewhere yes..but once a week? Who is controlling the finances? How exciting is a trip to tescos/sainsbo?!?

Why does everything have to be exciting? If DP and I are both free we both go to the supermarket because it makes the packing marginally easier, and then we can decide what to eat together rather than one person having to do all the thinking. If you're both available, why not?

@cadburyegg this comment:

People refusing to see their friends at weekends mean friendships often die out.

I only see my partner at weekends. And even then it's not every weekend. Why do you not understand that for some people it's the only chance they get to spend time as a couple together?

School pick ups, attendance at birthday parties, parents' evenings, shopping - are all chores. No earthly reason anyone would actively enjoy any of them so best attended by one so the other can get on with something else or look after the kids - thereby freeing up some time to spend quality time with your partner.

The school pick up one is annoying. Back when we had Covid rules school asked for only one parent to collect or drop off, but there were always some incapable of doing that.

I just find it a bit sad when people aren’t able to function doing everyday things by themselves.

I get what you mean, spending time together is fine but don't have to do everything together.
My in-laws do everything together. My MIL works full time but in 3 long shifts so when she has a day off and her husband has a job to do she will go with him. He works for himself so she can tag along but it seems so odd. She then says she is so busy and tired etc but she could be doing something for herself. She has even chosen to go with him to a job over having the grandchildren before as she would have taken them along as well but we didn't think a long drive somewhere and back would be any fun or appropriate for them.
My FIL once thought it was strange I was going to a DIY shop on my own to get paint without my husband and offered to come but I said I would be fine. He said his wife would never do that. Bizarre!!

Both parents doing the school run together is weird.

I rarely do anything with him!

when the kids were young I took them to birthday parties, they were boring enough without both of us having to endure a shitload of screaming kids.

parents evening, i went. He was working but again, that was repetitive. Each teacher saying the same thing. I quit that a long time ago.

the only thing we did was Saturday morning football. With all 3.

I find it bemusing that anyone has the combination of headspace and ego required to come up with an opinion about whether other people should be in public spaces or not.

Also, schools have never had any business saying who can use public paths or not, which is essentially what they were saying back when they came out with stuff like this since parents were collecting outside not from on the premises.

It gets my goat too. I remember a thread years ago about people who shop en famille and someone accused me of having a miserable marriage because I don’t go to the supermarket with dh. I do go shopping with dh, but I don’t have to go with dh, and that’s the difference.

“Both parents always coming to birthday parties or school pick ups mean the party venues / playgrounds are more crowded. The parents evening example where one parent didn't even take their disruptive kids out. People refusing to see their friends at weekends mean friendships often die out. A partner appearing during a lunch when you're talking about something sensitive. I don't think it's particularly hard to comprehend why these things are irritating.

Also just to reiterate once again, I never once said it was weird for a couple to go shopping together.”

Ah I see - Thanks for your reply - we aren’t guilty of any of those except the once, when I was invited to a mum’s night at one school parent’s house, but I’d received the invitation secondhand as a parent’s night so we both went. We’d never impose ourselves, or our other DC, apart or together, on something like a party for the one child.

Why do you not understand that it's not people choosing to spend time together that I have an issue with? Of course it's normal to want to spend time with your partner. But it's weird to never see friends at the weekend because you absolutely have to spend all 48 hours with them or - as I suspect is often the case - you can't cope with your own children alone.

It's never wise to put all your eggs in one basket as my mother taught me 🤷‍♀️

Mind you lots of people thought I was weird because I'd take the dc away and leave DH at home.

Just silly half term caravan trips I'd go on Groupon and the like, nothing fancy but a fun and cheap way for me to entertain little dc. I worked term time only and DH didn't so we'd save his leave for other times, plus we have a lot of pets so it's easier for one of us to be at home.

DH is taking the dc to stay with ILs next weekend and I'm staying behind with the pets.

Plenty of people think it's weird but it works for us.

We quite often go to children's parties together. This is because we work all week, squeeze in plans with our separate friends and once you factor in dull housework and our child's hobby at a set time each Saturday we aren't left with much weekend left together. We agree we'd rather spend those 2 hours in some village hall catching up and having a laugh. We both do the school run equally so know other parents equally. Sometimes we do them separately if we can line up plans with friends to be at the same time but this doesn't happen often. I couldn't give less of a fuck if people think that's sad.

I love my DP to bits, and vice versa, but we don't feel the need to spend every waking minute together. He does his stuff, I do mine. I find it slightly creepy when partners/parents are joined at the hip.

DH and I have never lived in each other's pockets. We're both outgoing with lots of friends both mutual and separate. We live spending time together and also love spending time with other people. We're still very much in love after 31 years together.

In my experience, couples who are joined at the hip, very often, aren't especially sociable or outgoing and didn't have many friends before meeting each other. They do everything together because they really don't have other people to do anything with. Maybe that's how they genuinely like things, or maybe they're just making a virtue out of a slightly lonely necessity.

Some of these things are ridiculous like the parents evening one and the evening meal out one.

Things like couples going to bed at the same time every single night I find weird though😂