To not understand why some couples have to do everything together

[cadburyegg]

I see this SO often. Examples

• both parents coming to another child's birthday party with their only child
• both parents coming to school pick up
• my ex in laws won't do anything separately - mil won't go shopping without fil
• at an info evening for reception, several children had both parents there, which meant their (often multiple children) were there too, causing disruption and making it tricky to hear what was being said
• refusing to make plans with friends at the weekend because it's "family time"
• when I was on maternity leave with DC2 I took both children out for the day and saw someone I know. She couldn't believe my bravery at taking both of the children out by myself
• on more than one occasion I have met up with a friend and their partner has also been there or has shown up half way through lunch etc, which I wasn't aware of. Totally changes the dynamic
• I see it on Mumsnet too - one person not wanting to go to a family meal and leave the other with the children

I know it's nice to have family time of course but I struggle with the idea that some people can't do anything on their own.
I'm a single parent AND an only child and so I'm used to doing things on my own with or without the children! My children are NOT easy either before anyone comments, DC1 is hypersensitive and very clingy whilst DC2 had delayed motor skills which means he still struggles with some physical stuff. So AIBU? I don't get it. I'm sure there are valid reasons but what are they?

Who are you to judge people?

@ThighMistress I literally couldn’t have been without DH when my father was dying. He was there the whole time. If my siblings had had anything to say about it (which they wouldn’t, my brother had his partner there as well) then I wouldn’t have sent him away. My dad actually gave his last smile to my husband when he came in to visit on the last day he was alive, DH is one of the family.

@greenvelvetcouch - but you said your siblings’ partners were there too. How would they have felt if they were there alone and you and your Dh were sitting apart from them, talking to each other and sharing your own food?

There is a difference between participating as a family group and operating as a couple only .

Hmm would love to know your thoughts on me and my DH. We have our own bedrooms as a starting point 😂. Add in an endless list of stuff where we are probably the least codependent the couple we know.

We both do school drop off when we can and also love going to see our eldest at her class parties if we know it’s a big hall (ie we’re not taking up any room) as we enjoy seeing her having (what comes across to us anyway 😂) as the time of her life

We irritate each other no end (sitting opposite sides of the living room as a I type) but don’t live through tunnel vision OP and assume people are codependent because they do some of the things you list 🤦🏻‍♀️

Agree the examples weren’t the best, but it’s obvious from the rest of the post what the OP meant. Some people either are in one of these couples (with no insight about how insufferable they are to their family & friends) or lucky enough not to have to put up with one in their social circle. It’s not that easy to say their partner isn’t welcome, expected, or invited, when the strength of “we want to be together” is so apparent by some on here. They don’t bother to ask, the partner turns up anyway and they are both oblivious to how it sucks the life out. Is it so hard to understand we don’t love your partner/think the sun shines out of them half as much as you do? That’s what it mostly boils down to.

WEAKNESSES piss off DH and I have been married for 50 years we do a lot together in fact I am at a flaming scooter rally this weekend I hate the blasted things but he loves them, I see the fact that I am willing to so something he likes because he wants me with him as a STRENGHT something that enhances our marriage the same way when I want to do something he isn't keen on he will be with me and BTW we don't just LIKE each other we LOVE each other - I suppose that makes me DREADFUL in your eyes does it??

Yada yada yada “But we lurrrrve each other and your Dh doesn’t love youuuuu “

Snore. No, you’re just as @Blueink describes, busy irritating the hell out of those you encounter and, luckily for you, completely oblivious.

DH hates being in groups of people. He is ridiculously unsociable and very introverted.

If I lived like him I would feel trapped and lonely. I have recently joined a charity, and we meet socially as well as fund raise. To his credit DH has tried and come along to a few social meets, but has now decided he doesn't like any of the members and I will go to any future socials on my own.

I love DH, but only socialising with one person for the rest of my life just isn't enough.

This is why DH and I sometimes socialise separately. He only has one local friend, and has never been interested in making friends.

Wow I had no idea so many people were getting their knickers in a twist about other people spending time with their partners!
Dh & I are together 23 years now & you'd hate us I'm sure - we spend probably 90% of our time together & we absolutely love ❤️ it.
We work together in related fields, commute together, socialise together & love nothing mote than heading off for a long weekend / holiday together.
We have dc & a wide & varied circle of really interesting friends who we love spending time with as a couple as well as individually.
I feel immensely lucky to have met someone who still interests me & makes me laugh daily. I have never been bored by him. Irrirated, annoyed, downright angry - yes but never bored.
I can honestly say I would rather spend my time with him than anyone else & I have a close group of wonderful longstanding friends.
Some people's attitudes baffle me ...

@UniBallEye Dh & I are together 23 years now & you'd hate us I'm sure - we spend probably 90% of our time together & we absolutely love ❤️ it.

You could be us. We've been together longer but we married to be together and not just to raise babies. I sometimes holiday on my own as I go places he doesn't like but generally we'll do things together.

That's similar to our setup. DH is an introvert, has one long-term friend and no inclination to make more. I am the outgoing one and despite my love for DH and the strength of our marriage, it doesn't give me all the social inputs I need. When I arrange couples/group things he puts on a happy face and dutifully comes along but he'd really rather not. I do lots of things with friends, he does things alone and we're both happy with that!

I think you have worded it better than I have @alanabennett. That describes us exactly.

My opinion is that’s it’s good to spend time away from partners and have some mate time without the OH.
retired now but we both always have time with our own friends and with couples. Really find it irritating when couples can’t be independent enough to be apart. Some even on the phone! When you think your having a conversation with your friend and the partner constantly contributes!😡

Why do you care?

We have been together for over 50 years. When we first got together as a couple, we lived in the same flat in London - the only way we could afford the rent was to have 7 of us in a 3 bed flat, DH was one of my flat mates. We worked for different companies. Married 3 years later. Still worked apart. I had a few years at home while the DC we pre school, but then we started a business together. Since meeting we have only had 1 holiday each without each other, me a weekend with DD, DH a week with his brother. We do things with our friends, but most things we do, we do together. Kids at school gates, and most DCs activities, was usually just one us, as the other had to run the shop. We do things together as we like each other's company. Now retired 7 years, and despite friends telling us we would be bored, and needed 'a little job' to keep fulfilled, we have not been bored at all, in fact have enjoyed every day. Sorry if this sounds smug, but I feel very fortunate to have stumbled across my life partner and it working out so well.

We don't do this, we usually overtake 99% of the slow walkers and dawdlers in our way.