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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not understand why some couples have to do everything together

791 replies

cadburyegg · 13/08/2022 16:48

I see this SO often. Examples

  • both parents coming to another child's birthday party with their only child
  • both parents coming to school pick up
  • my ex in laws won't do anything separately - mil won't go shopping without fil
  • at an info evening for reception, several children had both parents there, which meant their (often multiple children) were there too, causing disruption and making it tricky to hear what was being said
  • refusing to make plans with friends at the weekend because it's "family time"
  • when I was on maternity leave with DC2 I took both children out for the day and saw someone I know. She couldn't believe my bravery at taking both of the children out by myself
  • on more than one occasion I have met up with a friend and their partner has also been there or has shown up half way through lunch etc, which I wasn't aware of. Totally changes the dynamic
  • I see it on Mumsnet too - one person not wanting to go to a family meal and leave the other with the children

I know it's nice to have family time of course but I struggle with the idea that some people can't do anything on their own.
I'm a single parent AND an only child and so I'm used to doing things on my own with or without the children! My children are NOT easy either before anyone comments, DC1 is hypersensitive and very clingy whilst DC2 had delayed motor skills which means he still struggles with some physical stuff. So AIBU? I don't get it. I'm sure there are valid reasons but what are they?

OP posts:
BigFatLiar · 15/08/2022 19:25

balalake · 15/08/2022 18:59

Those people who the OP describes are possibly going to face a very difficult time in later life (or at least one of them) when one of them dies.

I suspect most happily married people will have a tough time when that happens. Fortunately most people carry on. Perhaps at the time they'll look back happily on time spent with their partner.

DottyPeacock · 15/08/2022 19:46

@mattressspring apologies for trying to write a nice , supportive post. I won’t bother again. Please feel free to carry on taking everything as a personal attack.

chilliesandspices · 15/08/2022 19:47

balalake · 15/08/2022 18:59

Those people who the OP describes are possibly going to face a very difficult time in later life (or at least one of them) when one of them dies.

Well yes but so is anyone who is happily married. I travelled the world alone for 5 years and enjoyed it but I enjoy my DH's company these days and will happily make the most of it while I can.

alanabennett · 15/08/2022 19:53

housemaus · 15/08/2022 15:52

DH and I do a lot together - we'd both rather do the boring stuff, food shopping or tip runs or whatever, together. We often keep the other company while they're in the bath. DH will sometimes come on long work trips with me cos he can work anywhere. We like spending time together!

But we happily do stuff alone, too - he probably visits my mum with me one in 10 times I go, we see friends seperately about half the time. I was at a party at the weekend with friends he doesn't know well, and didn't take him cos he'd have been bored, and the host was gobsmacked that I'd gone somewhere without him because she takes her husband to every social event she's invited to, so I get what OP means, there's a level.

You often keep each other company in the bath? WTF? Talk about unhealthily enmeshed.

mattressspring · 15/08/2022 19:53

DottyPeacock · 15/08/2022 19:46

@mattressspring apologies for trying to write a nice , supportive post. I won’t bother again. Please feel free to carry on taking everything as a personal attack.

If you were genuinely trying to be nice you would have listened to me, instead of coming back with this ^

justasking111 · 15/08/2022 20:05

We tried to bath together back in the day but it's not as romantic as they portray, ditto showering together 😂

oviraptor21 · 15/08/2022 20:13

Going on school runs or shopping together is one thing and I don't suppose many people would think more than once about it. DPs turning up at all female nights out and book groups etc is not on. We might smile and 'be kind' about it but most of us will be put out by it.

carefullycourageous · 15/08/2022 20:58

balalake · 15/08/2022 18:59

Those people who the OP describes are possibly going to face a very difficult time in later life (or at least one of them) when one of them dies.

Well yes, I am going to be grief-stricken, I expect.

Should I try to enjoy my DH's company less, and spend less time with him, in order to reduce the amount I will care if he dies first?

It would be very self-defeating to love someone less just to avoid the sadness of losing that love. It is better to enjoy the love and then process the grief afterwards, and come through it.

cheveux · 15/08/2022 21:11

@carefullycourageous you are completely right, that’s the only attitude to have. I saw that when my Dad died. You can’t live your life trying to insulate yourself from grief by not opening yourself truly to love.

DirectionToPerfection · 15/08/2022 21:19

Bloody hell, so anyone who's husband doesn't follow them around to women's meet ups is not truly open to love?

Where do you people get this shit? 😂

It's not about reducing how much you'll care when he dies (what a frankly bizarre thing to say), it's about being capable of doing basic life tasks and having a support network around you.

carefullycourageous · 15/08/2022 22:25

DirectionToPerfection · 15/08/2022 21:19

Bloody hell, so anyone who's husband doesn't follow them around to women's meet ups is not truly open to love?

Where do you people get this shit? 😂

It's not about reducing how much you'll care when he dies (what a frankly bizarre thing to say), it's about being capable of doing basic life tasks and having a support network around you.

No, of course not, you're being silly there. FWIW I go out separately from my partner and he without me (I posted at the outset) but we do lots of other things together e.g. shopping or school run.

My point was worrying about future grief is pointless. You just have to enjoy your life while living it and deal with the future when it gets here. You can't insulate yourself from grief without insulating yourself from love, IMO. However many times I go out on my own, I am still going to be grief-stricken if my DH dies first. My feeling is I would be even more upset if I had not made the most of teh time we do have together, so I like to make the most of it.

Solonge · 15/08/2022 22:52

With some couples its habit....we lived in France and so many of the expat community do everything together and thats fine I guess if its what you like. My DH and I have always enjoyed some free time for our own interests or friends, that works for us, plus I would never go shopping with him, that would be misery. I do have two friends though whose husbands insist they do everything together, its not the choice of the wives...and its rather controlling....but clearly, they are controlled and not able to break away and get some time on their own.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/08/2022 00:30

carefullycourageous · 15/08/2022 20:58

Well yes, I am going to be grief-stricken, I expect.

Should I try to enjoy my DH's company less, and spend less time with him, in order to reduce the amount I will care if he dies first?

It would be very self-defeating to love someone less just to avoid the sadness of losing that love. It is better to enjoy the love and then process the grief afterwards, and come through it.

Show quote history

I don't love my husband less than you because i shop alone, go on holiday without him, enjoy the movies without him. What a ridiculous leap.
Its like all the posters doing the "well i guess I'm just super rare because i love my husband and like him unlike you lot!"

But i will have friends there to support me. If the worst happened I'd have a strong network not just for me but the kids too, and in forty whatever years, it'll be the same people in my network. I'll know how to do all the stuff needed to run a house because I've not relied upon him to be half of me. I'll be able to continue going out alone because it's normal. And vice versa.

User8273738273737 · 16/08/2022 00:37

HundredMilesAnHour · 13/08/2022 16:54

Totally agree with you OP. Some people are co-dependent and then use excuses like "we like each other" to cover up their weaknesses whilst managing to insult everyone else at the same time. Dreadful people.

@HundredMilesAnHour 😂 why are you such a hater of people who like their partners? “Co-dependent” because they enjoy their partner’s company?
you and your partner must get on like a house on fire I imagine, given how much bitterness you feel the need to project 😂

SleepingStandingUp · 16/08/2022 00:45

User8273738273737 · 16/08/2022 00:37

@HundredMilesAnHour 😂 why are you such a hater of people who like their partners? “Co-dependent” because they enjoy their partner’s company?
you and your partner must get on like a house on fire I imagine, given how much bitterness you feel the need to project 😂

Show quote history

Because "we like each other!" is boring, lazy and insulting. Most people on jere like and love their partner and generally, with ot being anonymous, people are v honest when they don't.
You don't love your DP more than mine because you have to hold hands whenever out the house, or always to to each others nights out etc.

fUNNYfACE36 · 16/08/2022 00:54

You sound a bit jealous that sone people actually enjoy their partner's company

Musttryharder2021 · 16/08/2022 05:44

Solonge · 15/08/2022 22:52

With some couples its habit....we lived in France and so many of the expat community do everything together and thats fine I guess if its what you like. My DH and I have always enjoyed some free time for our own interests or friends, that works for us, plus I would never go shopping with him, that would be misery. I do have two friends though whose husbands insist they do everything together, its not the choice of the wives...and its rather controlling....but clearly, they are controlled and not able to break away and get some time on their own.

How good were people's language skills? If they spoke no French then I can see there was safety numbers -type like scenario

Arbesque · 16/08/2022 07:51

chilliesandspices · 15/08/2022 19:47

Well yes but so is anyone who is happily married. I travelled the world alone for 5 years and enjoyed it but I enjoy my DH's company these days and will happily make the most of it while I can.

Show quote history

Yes but if you have friends to support you and activities outside of the home it is a huge help.

Arbesque · 16/08/2022 07:56

carefullycourageous · 15/08/2022 22:25

No, of course not, you're being silly there. FWIW I go out separately from my partner and he without me (I posted at the outset) but we do lots of other things together e.g. shopping or school run.

My point was worrying about future grief is pointless. You just have to enjoy your life while living it and deal with the future when it gets here. You can't insulate yourself from grief without insulating yourself from love, IMO. However many times I go out on my own, I am still going to be grief-stricken if my DH dies first. My feeling is I would be even more upset if I had not made the most of teh time we do have together, so I like to make the most of it.

Show quote history

Nobody's insulating themselves from grief. But having interests and friends of your own is a healthy way to live and also means you have support when your partner dies.

Are you seriously saying that anyone who joins a choir or meets up with friends separately from their husband is 'insulating' themselves from grief??

burnoutbabe · 16/08/2022 08:07

ThighMistress · 15/08/2022 14:51

So, those posters who spend all their time together, do you ever visit your own families alone? (Yeah, yeah, I know that you are the family and that his in-laws should butt out and emigrate to Mars.) Let’s say your dm is ill, do you both go? If his siblings, are meeting to discuss what to do about fil with dementia, do you go too, in spite of the other in-laws not going? If it’s mil’s 70th birthday party and you’ve got toothache (ie nothing contagious) do you expect your dh to not go as you can’t be there? Straight answers please!

We (no kids) have both started going to visit parents alone every other visit.
Both sets of parents getting on and have health worries so seems good to have more alone time to discuss things if needed.

Back to the op, of course a couple who refuse/are not allowed to do anything apart is concerning (assuming no additional needs) but has anyone says it isn't a concern in those circumstances?

Anyone bringing their partner to a friends night out when not invited is at minimum thoughtless. Sending your partner to coffee with friend over you even worse (unless they wanted advice he could give them and you were suddenly sick and no chance to re-arrange)

carefullycourageous · 16/08/2022 08:33

Arbesque · 16/08/2022 07:56

Nobody's insulating themselves from grief. But having interests and friends of your own is a healthy way to live and also means you have support when your partner dies.

Are you seriously saying that anyone who joins a choir or meets up with friends separately from their husband is 'insulating' themselves from grief??

Show quote history

No, again you're being silly and deliberately misinterpreting. It is so boring talking with people who do this.

What I am saying is there is no point going out with friends if you want to spend time with your DH, people have to do as they wish with the time they have.

I personally go out separately when that is what I want to do now. I'm not thinking about a support network if widowed.

SleepingStandingUp · 16/08/2022 08:42

fUNNYfACE36 · 16/08/2022 00:54

You sound a bit jealous that sone people actually enjoy their partner's company

No one is actually saying "can we go out for dinner Saturday cos i might be widowed in 40 years and need you" but that it's about having balance in your life, something other than one person

Arbesque · 16/08/2022 08:45

carefullycourageous · 16/08/2022 08:33

No, again you're being silly and deliberately misinterpreting. It is so boring talking with people who do this.

What I am saying is there is no point going out with friends if you want to spend time with your DH, people have to do as they wish with the time they have.

I personally go out separately when that is what I want to do now. I'm not thinking about a support network if widowed.

Show quote history

How rude you are.

Arbesque · 16/08/2022 08:48

SleepingStandingUp · 16/08/2022 08:42

No one is actually saying "can we go out for dinner Saturday cos i might be widowed in 40 years and need you" but that it's about having balance in your life, something other than one person

Show quote history

Exactly. My mother didn't take up bridge and join a book club so she'd have something to do when my father died.

But the activities, and the friends she made while doing them, were a massive support after she was widowed.

It is healthy for couples to have some independence from each other.

carefullycourageous · 16/08/2022 08:52

SleepingStandingUp · 16/08/2022 00:30

I don't love my husband less than you because i shop alone, go on holiday without him, enjoy the movies without him. What a ridiculous leap.
Its like all the posters doing the "well i guess I'm just super rare because i love my husband and like him unlike you lot!"

But i will have friends there to support me. If the worst happened I'd have a strong network not just for me but the kids too, and in forty whatever years, it'll be the same people in my network. I'll know how to do all the stuff needed to run a house because I've not relied upon him to be half of me. I'll be able to continue going out alone because it's normal. And vice versa.

Show quote history

It is horses for courses, people are different. You sound a touch judgemental with remarks like 'I've not relied opon him to be half of me'. My situation is my DH is not any of me, and I am confident I can deal with good times and bad when they come. Grief may come and I will hopefully be fine. There's nothing I do my DH couldn't learn if he wanted and nothing he does I couldn't learn if I wanted.

It is important not to project onto other people's choices, as we only really know ourselves. Our own fears drive each of us as much as our own wants.