To not understand why some couples have to do everything together

[cadburyegg]

I see this SO often. Examples

• both parents coming to another child's birthday party with their only child
• both parents coming to school pick up
• my ex in laws won't do anything separately - mil won't go shopping without fil
• at an info evening for reception, several children had both parents there, which meant their (often multiple children) were there too, causing disruption and making it tricky to hear what was being said
• refusing to make plans with friends at the weekend because it's "family time"
• when I was on maternity leave with DC2 I took both children out for the day and saw someone I know. She couldn't believe my bravery at taking both of the children out by myself
• on more than one occasion I have met up with a friend and their partner has also been there or has shown up half way through lunch etc, which I wasn't aware of. Totally changes the dynamic
• I see it on Mumsnet too - one person not wanting to go to a family meal and leave the other with the children

I know it's nice to have family time of course but I struggle with the idea that some people can't do anything on their own.
I'm a single parent AND an only child and so I'm used to doing things on my own with or without the children! My children are NOT easy either before anyone comments, DC1 is hypersensitive and very clingy whilst DC2 had delayed motor skills which means he still struggles with some physical stuff. So AIBU? I don't get it. I'm sure there are valid reasons but what are they?

I wouldn’t get upset about folks choices when stats show that nearly half of marriages end in divorce. So many couples on here will likely get divorced and will be back on here either being upset at having no friends, feeling isolated and others stating they have got a good network of friends who have supported them through the divorce . So live the way you want to in the knowledge that it may not be forever - we can’t live with what ifs and have to do what works for you as a couple whether others disagree or not

Well that's the point really. We don't know what the future holds so it's important to have some interests and a friendship circle. People who tie their lives totally to their partner, children, job or whatever and rarely do much outside of that can end up with nothing when the children leave home, their marriage ends, they're made redundant whatever.
Having a balance in life is important. Not, despite some of the rather silly psychobabble on here, because you're going around anticipating sadness and grief, but because it is a healthy way to live.

I don't agree with your definition of rude, I simply said 'It is so boring talking with people who do this' because that is my genuine view.

But I am ok with you thinking I'm rude.

My PILs are like this. Driven mainly by my FIL. I find it quite odd and would find it claustrophobic to have a husband like that.

That said,, believe it or not, some couples like to spend time together as a couple or a family. Or both want to go to things. Nothing wrong with that at all.

I know one couple who do this but it seems kind of contrived. Hard to explain but there’s such a focus on family time that it doesn’t allow for any flexibility or allowing other options. Have given
up suggesting things to them.

Well we'll have to agree to disagree.

Some of these seem normal but the birthday party one is extremely weird and irritating

Of course, I fully accept your right to be wrong and vice versa.

Good. I also accept your right to be rude 🙂

It does sometimes amaze me, but I was married to someone in the military whom I met when serving myself. When we married I left the military but he continued to serve. He was away a great deal of the time. My son was born overseas where I had no family and only recently made friends. When pregnant I stayed in the UK (hubby had to start his deployment but the working and maternity pay were very different then), rented out and packed up our house on my own and did not join my husband until 2 months before baby was due. I was always very independent and have continued to be so, although I guess our lifestyle made me even more so. We have been married for 45 year and adore each other but we also have our own lives - we never shop together (it would be far too expensive if he came along :) and the thought of him coming along to a child's birthday party with me when our son was small would just never have happened :)) We both drive and have our own friends as well as our joint friends. I think everyone, men included, should have the individual independence we have - but each to their own

I am not disagreeing with you- I am fiercely independent and enjoy seeing friends and doing things without my DH. I used to tell him it was time for him to book flights to visit his best friend, as he was driving me nuts. However some on here have different personalities and want to exist around only their DH and DC, Not for me but hey ho

This thread has got a bit weird. I don’t much like all the comments that the OP is jealous / bitter / sour - partly because I am a pedant and jealousy is actually a fairly rare emotion.

I remember a thread where the OP was getting annoyed with her boyfriend because he didn’t want her to do anything without him, wanted to talk to her while she was in the bath and tried to hold her hand when she was eating. The overwhelming consensus was that he was stifling and she should get rid.

I guess the biggest reason is I enjoy spending time together with fiancé more then I enjoy our time apart. maybe it helps that we have a lot of the same interests. so it's easy for us to spend time together.

he still goes out but not that often and I just spend the evening reading or playing on the computer.

The jealous accusation is used as a default on many threads by posters who have nothing concrete to criticise the poster for, but just want to say YABU.

I've seen OPs being accused of being jealous over the most ridiculous things.

Why don't you see your friends when hes busy?

The half of me wasn't aimed at you, but there are previous posts about being a whole / couple above being individuals

Don't you have any separate friends or interests?

@Arbesque I guess the thing is I don't really have friends close enough to me. also health issues do mean the energy I have is limited so going out for a day can best case mean I am wiped out for the next 2 days or have a cold from the exhaustion etc. but even so the friends I have are limited as the hobby and interests means travelling far for meeting up to know people etc. did it for a time and it was just exhausting. I do have friends but the closest are 2 hours travel away so it's not exactly easy.

@SleepingStandingUp I would love to but unfortunately my closest friends are still 2 hours away and my best friend is even further. I am happy enough just texting and playing on the computer together.

I had a work colleague who got married. He said that from that point onwards, if they were invited to something but one of them couldn't attend (both worked shifts) , then the other one wouldn't go either. So he would sit at home and miss out on a party, because she was working, and vice versa. It seemed bonkers to me.

I wasn't rude. I just expressed a view you don't like. Your view does not trump mine. But I equally resepct your right to be offended over nothing

And I accept your right to deny you were being rude.

Bloomin heck it’s like watching a written argument between my two youngest.

12 and 10

I'm seeing it more of a tennis match - watch the ball go up court, watch it go down court, watch it go up court, watch it go down court. And repeat. I've actually lost track of who's right it was to be rude.

I would say reading and playing video games were hobbies and interests.

Can we all just agree that different people like different things?

If OP doesn't want friends to invite their OH to things, she needs to say so. If they decide they'd rather not bother she can move on and find new friends.