To not understand why some couples have to do everything together

[cadburyegg]

I see this SO often. Examples

• both parents coming to another child's birthday party with their only child
• both parents coming to school pick up
• my ex in laws won't do anything separately - mil won't go shopping without fil
• at an info evening for reception, several children had both parents there, which meant their (often multiple children) were there too, causing disruption and making it tricky to hear what was being said
• refusing to make plans with friends at the weekend because it's "family time"
• when I was on maternity leave with DC2 I took both children out for the day and saw someone I know. She couldn't believe my bravery at taking both of the children out by myself
• on more than one occasion I have met up with a friend and their partner has also been there or has shown up half way through lunch etc, which I wasn't aware of. Totally changes the dynamic
• I see it on Mumsnet too - one person not wanting to go to a family meal and leave the other with the children

I know it's nice to have family time of course but I struggle with the idea that some people can't do anything on their own.
I'm a single parent AND an only child and so I'm used to doing things on my own with or without the children! My children are NOT easy either before anyone comments, DC1 is hypersensitive and very clingy whilst DC2 had delayed motor skills which means he still struggles with some physical stuff. So AIBU? I don't get it. I'm sure there are valid reasons but what are they?

I don't know about others, but my DH works long hours so we don't really see each other during the week. And we enjoy spending time together. We don't go to childrens' birthday parties or school pickup together though, unless we're off to something else straight after.

Oh, and I never invite him along when I'm seeing my friends. I agree that's annoying!

She started it Miss

Actually you did by being deliberately obtuse, which I pointed out was boring

This could go on and on.

I think you're rude and obnoxious, you think I'm obtuse and boring.

Let's call it quits.

I love how you can't let it lie @Arbesque

Wow, this thread derailed….wow.

@cadburyegg I hear you op. I’m very happily married and have been for a long time , we have three kids and now that are youngest is 5 we are getting our lives back a bit and are more rested so want to take up more hobbies etc, meet up with friends etc. We are both 37 so not young but not old either so still like do sports like running etc. We often swap around and do things either on our own or on our own with the kids, I’ve totally had a weird reaction to this too at times. I think it’s also because we have never had any family help or support , lots of family but no one has ever babysat etc so since having our children we have had to swap to go to events , weddings etc. (really not easy to get babysitters where we live at all and when our kids were small we weren’t comfortable with a teenager with small babies etc ).
I went away with my 3 dcs for a weekend recently for a weekend and a friend said she was shocked , she wouldn’t go alone with her kids camping etc as they prefer to do it as a family , absolutely fair enough and we do loads as a family but that weekend my dh was repainting our entire house inside (v expensive where we live and we can’t all be there , we don’t have anyone to watch kids ).
I also try to arrange things like going to do stuff at weekends with other mums , simple things like a hike or a swim or a coffee but usually no one can come as they are doing family stuff (my dcs also do activities but my dh can take over for one day!). I think sometimes it’s a case that their dh doesn’t want to be left with the kids or maybe they just don’t want to meet but often give the impression that they’d like to do more for themselves. I think it’s so important to keep up friendships especially as we get older. Tbh I now meet with single friends etc as they are more flexible and more willing to do things at weekends.

Ditto

@jewishmum oh I do see them as my hobby and also a hobby I share with fiancé too as he likes to do this too so we have games we play together and also are trying to work our way through cain's jawbone at the moment (a rare occasion we are actually doing reading as a activity together rather than just us individually reading our own book)

I guess maybe I don't go out enough on my own but the problem is my hobbies are more solitary activities and things like going to the movies, theater and museum etc are things I do actually enjoy with fiancé.... I could go with friends but then would end up going twice as fiancé would usually be keen on the event as well...

if I add on top of that most of my friends are far away and me being more introverted I kind of realised that I can maybe count the times I go out on my own in a year on one hand.... maybe this will in crease once my dm moves closer and is in the UK

Parts of this thread remind me of the Ricky Gervais series Afterlife.

I'm arranging a reunion with some university friends. Someone just emailed to ask if partners and kids are invited. I thought of this thread.
At least they asked, I suppose. How to politely say NO though.

"I was thinking it would be great if it was just the old gand back together, so we can all relax and have a catch up and a drink. Perhaps we could do something bigger to include family another time?"

Sometimes it's because they work
long hours or overseas so when they are off work they wanna be with family/hubbie/wife as been at work and not seen them???

Thanks 🙂

The only response is 'no'. You don't need to say any more.

A lot of the Couples we are discussing don’t see how they can be rude and make others feel uncomfortable. If an event assumes singles, ie a book club, why go as a pair? If you are meeting a friend or relation - or, heaven forfend, visiting a sick person - why impose both of you on one other? The conversation inevitably is less intimate.

Furthermore couples limit their social interaction if always a twosome. I know they would say “But we don’t need anyone else” but surely you can imagine that you might, just possibly, find some pleasant company if you speak to other people, eg at the school gate.

I went to an evening class and everyone chatted… except for the “Married Couple” as we called them who sat five desks away from everyone else and whispered together and passed each other sweets. Imagine if a lone person had gone to such an evening class and found four couples who wouldn’t speak to them.

@ThighMistress your example of book club or the evening class what if it is a subject and topic that interests both. should one of them not go?

If it's a female book club, as in a previous example, no the husband shouldn't tag along.

It's was a women's book club! So no, the man should not have been there.

@Arbesque @DirectionToPerfection and if both partners are female or it was a mixed group would both be allowed to go to the book club.

Of course. We're talking about partners insisting on going to events when it's not appropriate, or a general pattern of a couple refusing to ever do anything apart.

Not really sure of the point of your question.

Why wouldn't they?

@Arbesque what if they choose book clubs that welcome both and have the same interests and hobbies surely that explains then why some couples might choose to do everything together and there is nothing wrong with that

How does that explain couples who do everything together? Who can't go to the shops or a GP appointment on their own? Who tag along to each others friends' meet-ups even when they're not invited?

A book club takes up about an hour or two every month, it's hardly all of a couple's spare time.