To not understand why some couples have to do everything together

[cadburyegg]

I see this SO often. Examples

• both parents coming to another child's birthday party with their only child
• both parents coming to school pick up
• my ex in laws won't do anything separately - mil won't go shopping without fil
• at an info evening for reception, several children had both parents there, which meant their (often multiple children) were there too, causing disruption and making it tricky to hear what was being said
• refusing to make plans with friends at the weekend because it's "family time"
• when I was on maternity leave with DC2 I took both children out for the day and saw someone I know. She couldn't believe my bravery at taking both of the children out by myself
• on more than one occasion I have met up with a friend and their partner has also been there or has shown up half way through lunch etc, which I wasn't aware of. Totally changes the dynamic
• I see it on Mumsnet too - one person not wanting to go to a family meal and leave the other with the children

I know it's nice to have family time of course but I struggle with the idea that some people can't do anything on their own.
I'm a single parent AND an only child and so I'm used to doing things on my own with or without the children! My children are NOT easy either before anyone comments, DC1 is hypersensitive and very clingy whilst DC2 had delayed motor skills which means he still struggles with some physical stuff. So AIBU? I don't get it. I'm sure there are valid reasons but what are they?

Good for you! You stopped everyone from suffering. Some people are just morons.

I love my DH but alone time and friend time is important for us

I also know couples in happy relationships that spend every day together

I have had friends isolate themselves because they stopped seeing their friends because they wanted to spend all their time with their partner and stopped seeing anyone else

I guess whatever makes people happy is up to them

Personally I cannot wait for DH to go out sometimes just so I can have a quiet night to myself, run a bath and relax 😂

Nobody thought, even after the event, that he may have been there because she wasn't able to manage alone?

Manage what alone? Sitting in a room of women talking about a book?

Even if she needed a lift to get there, he didn't have to hang around.

So, those posters who spend all their time together, do you ever visit your own families alone? (Yeah, yeah, I know that you are the family and that his in-laws should butt out and emigrate to Mars.) Let’s say your dm is ill, do you both go? If his siblings, are meeting to discuss what to do about fil with dementia, do you go too, in spite of the other in-laws not going? If it’s mil’s 70th birthday party and you’ve got toothache (ie nothing contagious) do you expect your dh to not go as you can’t be there? Straight answers please!

His family, I meant, or your in-laws!

Presumably PP would have said if the lady wasn't able to communicate and needed DH to help translate, or couldn't get to the loo herself so needed DH to take her etc

Presumably he just objected to sitting in the car and she needed the lift.

Whether OP helped anyone or just isolated her further, no one knows.

Even if you don't think its odd, you know its a symptom of your anxiety so by default it isn't healthy

Presumably PP would have said if the lady wasn't able to communicate and needed DH to help translate, or couldn't get to the loo herself so needed DH to take her etc

Yes because having physical mobility problems or needing a translator could be the only possible options here

Presumably he just objected to sitting in the car and she needed the lift.

Presuming, again?

Whether OP helped anyone or just isolated her further, no one knows.

Which is why I asked did nobody had thought he was there because she needed some support. I'm not trying to argue she was, just disappointed as per to see the judgement ramp up with no consideration for others circumstances.

Manage what alone? Sitting in a room of women talking about a book?

Manage being there? Manage being out of the house? Manage getting into the venue? Manage staying in the venue?

Even if she needed a lift to get there, he didn't have to hang around.

Maybe she needed more. Just maybe.

I mentioned upthread that I would often have DH with me to do school runs, because I couldn't always manage alone. I am autistic and sometimes I just need him around. Not even necessarily him, just someone, but you know they are his kids too so it made sense for him to come if needed. The way people in this thread would judge me as in the OP is just telling of how backwards thinking people really are. It's not even rare, I see comments negatively judging people for doing normal every day things in a different way to others multiple times a day on here. I wonder what people get out of it. Are the poster so quick to join OP getting something out of this? If you all are I would like to know what it is and why other people have such an influence.

Yes because having physical mobility problems or needing a translator could be the only possible options here
Let me introduce "etc" to you. It means it's pointless listing everything i can think of because there will be something else. But he could have got her there, helped her to her chair and left.

Presuming, again? Conjecture on an internet forum, who'd have imagined it eh. Kind of how these things work largely

And that's what happens if you dare to raise the possibility of someone needing support. Shot down with sarcasm. Standard. Excellent work.

This is how we run. I’m an only and my Mum is a widow so we do end up spending some one on one time together - we occasionally will go away on holiday or for a weekend away - but mostly we visit with DH. She loves him, and that was always the set up with my parents and their families. My DH is completely involved in decisions around my Mum that are made or may need to be made.

My DH is from a big sibling group and they always, always visit with their partners and we make decisions on things re. PIL as a whole group. They’ve never done that without spouses, and I’d find it sad if they did. I remember once a few years into our relationship I suggested to DH that he visit his mother without me and he found the suggestion strange. He’s only ever done it when he’s been in the area for work or something like that.

This may partly be because we all live quite far away from our parents, maybe if we all lived on top of each other we’d pop in more alone? We don’t see each other much as a family so certainly aren’t “tight knit” in a traditional sense, but we are all pretty close.

DH and I do a lot together - we'd both rather do the boring stuff, food shopping or tip runs or whatever, together. We often keep the other company while they're in the bath. DH will sometimes come on long work trips with me cos he can work anywhere. We like spending time together!

But we happily do stuff alone, too - he probably visits my mum with me one in 10 times I go, we see friends seperately about half the time. I was at a party at the weekend with friends he doesn't know well, and didn't take him cos he'd have been bored, and the host was gobsmacked that I'd gone somewhere without him because she takes her husband to every social event she's invited to, so I get what OP means, there's a level.

Sigh. The book club woman I mentioned did not have any such problems that I know about and had no problems getting to the loo. If she did, I would expect her to say so and not expect me to read her mind. A woman's book club does not need to accommodate men.

I am sorry if this makes for unpleasant reading, but the level of anxiety I see on MN is not normal and not something to be celebrated. What happens if your DP dies or leaves you?

My family live a plane ride away so yes, we go together, usually make a holiday out of it. When my Dad was critically ill last year I kept my mum company during hospital visits while my DH made himself useful at home. Cooking, cleaning, shopping, walking the dog etc. basically anything to stop my mum reverting to host when she got home from the hospital. I haven't visited them alone in 6 years.

DH's dad and stepmother live a couple of hours away, if he's in the area for work, he'll stop by for half an hour to say hi alone. If he's going specifically to visit, I'm always invited. I enjoy their company as much as DH's company. When they ask it's always "if you and Chilli are free". There's an overnight event he does with his dad once a year and his step mum always invites me to stay over. I bring a book, she does it for whatever she likes and then we have a nice evening with wine and films.

I'd always be fine with him going to events if I'm ill. The issue OP has is with the people who should be going who decide not to because their partner can't. Would he? Depends on who's there. Small close family dinner, he'd go, big extended family party, he'd cancel as he wouldn't want to be there in the first place. I make the extended family more tolerable.

I wouldn't be bothered if his sibling wanted to meet him alone to discuss their father being ill but I can't see that happening. Supporting serious illness usually involves time and money so they'd want me and his sisters husband there for the discussion. If nothing else, to reassure them that yes, we really would be ok spending X amount for a better care home or extra visits from a carer.

Not sure about unreasonable but you certainly need to worry far less about how other people live their lives, why do you care really? I can totally understand both parents wanting to be part of their Childs lives, most of us are unable to even if we wanted to. Families are diverse and there is nothing wrong with what you doing either but it does come across a bit spiteful, sorry.

OP has actually taken the time to explain some ways in which it does impact her, right there in the OP.

To those defending the woman taking her DH to a WOMANS book club, suggesting she may have needed support. What about the other members of the book club? Maybe they had left abusive relationships? Maybe they had been assaulted by a man? Maybe they weren’t comfortable around a strange man for numerous reasons.

Why on earth should the woman who cannot be parted from her DH be allowed to impose him on a group of women?

If a woman needs support at a women's book club, that support should come from another woman.

It’s normal and fun to do things together, but all the time and without any insight or common sense is unhealthy and antisocial.
For the PP tagging along to (every) female friends night, please stop going, however much fun you you’re having, you are overstepping other people’s boundaries.

Ok, that was me. I just raised it as a possibility, didn't want to get into a feminist debate. I don't disagree that support, if needed, should come from another woman. It's probable that she didn't need support. I just mentioned it because the default seems to be that we are negatively judging woman as the 'go to' response to having their husband with them. Sometimes there is a valid reason and maybe I'm just a tad sensitive that OP and all the agreers would judge me for having DH alongside me on the school run when I wouldn't have been able to do it without him. He could of course do it alone, but the idea that I should stay at home rather then getting on with my day, albeit with support, leaves a bitter taste.

So yeah, I'm almost certainly wrong about the book club situation, but it was driven by the passing judgement that arrived on the thread prior.

@mattressspring I don’t think that anyone is saying that there is anything wrong with one spouse supporting the other if they have genuine reasons to do so.

The post is referring to people who have no issues at all, but do absolutely everything with their DP for no reason other than they want to. And lots of us have friends or relations who behave like this so we know that there are no reasons they need support.

If having your DH with you to do things helps and might build your confidence, that’s great and I wish you the very best of luck. Please don’t take the comments on this thread personally as they aren’t aimed at people who genuinely need support.

Those people who the OP describes are possibly going to face a very difficult time in later life (or at least one of them) when one of them dies.

I don’t think that anyone is saying that there is anything wrong with one spouse supporting the other if they have genuine reasons to do so.

OP and every single person agreeing with OP is doing just that. They don't know why DH has come with me, do they? So they are judging us on 'always being together'

The post is referring to people who have no issues at all, but do absolutely everything with their DP for no reason other than they want to. And lots of us have friends or relations who behave like this so we know that there are no reasons they need support.

But again, OP doesn't know by looking at people why they are not alone.

If having your DH with you to do things helps and might build your confidence, that’s great and I wish you the very best of luck.

I'm autistic. Sometimes I need support. It's a bit more then needing to 'build confidence', I don't need luck, I am disabled and I sometimes need support - that won't change.

Please don’t take the comments on this thread personally as they aren’t aimed at people who genuinely need support.

They may well not be, but lets be real here, nobody really knows why someone has their husband along with them every school run or kids party. Maybe if people just got on with their day instead of finding fault in others they would have a better day.