To think my husband is taking the piss?!?

[Summer1980US]

I’m interested to hear how other mums and partners manage childcare. Currently I do the bulk of childcare while my DH is off playing golf most weekends.

We both work full time. My husband has a busy job and leaves the house at 530am and is back about 630pm. This leaves me to get the DDs(1 and 3) ready for crèche and do drop off and collection every day. DDs go to bed at 7/730 so DH has limited interaction with kids during the week.

At the weekend he leaves for golf on Saturday at 7am and comes back at 2pm. After this he usually requires a nap. He spends some time with DDs between 4-7.

Sundays are usually better and he is only away for a couple of hours in the morning. He does spent a couple of hours quality time with the kids on a Sunday.

I’m so exhausted and overwhelmed from being the main caregiver. I know men are generally less involved with DD, but at this stage I feel like he is really taking the piss!!

YOu make it clear that at this point he either participates in the family or a divorce is on the cards

What does he say when you ask him why he feels you should be doing the lion's share of parenting & domestic load?

How TF does he justify his shirking, child-neglect, (make no bones about it - this is what it is) & entitlement to your free labour?

Surprise us - he earns more than you, so thinks his ManJob is get-out clause for sharing the load & he does not need to step up as an equal partner?

I - & I'm sure legion PP - are here to tell you that it is not.
Not sure how you can bring yourself to sleep with a man who treats you like a servant. How do you feel about it all OP? & how many times have you tried to address the unfairness with him?

I think there is some idea that people will spend their weekend doing, 'family,' stuff together with images of long walks in the country side, or days at the beach when the reality is that most people who work full time use their weekend for mundane stuff like laundry, shopping, and when the kids are older, activities.

There isn't any, 'right,' or, 'wrong,' way to spend family time.

DH works shifts and on a day off he will sometimes go and visit his brother, play golf, but over the summer, he will take the kids somewhere for the day if he is off and I'm not.

Or sometimes they will all be at home as the teenagers rarely surface before noon

*I think he is interested in kids, but thinks at this young age a few hours at the weekend suffices"

So in other words Childcare isn't my job, interacting with them for a few hours is generous enough of me and my precious time. He probably thinks you should be grateful too 😂

How have you got to that position? He clearly views children as yours not his. It’s not feasible to be doing virtual all care and work all time.
You need a serious conversation. Show your free time v his. It would do him world if door to be some carer for a few days - you need a work conference or trip away.
He’s basically acting like a divorced dad he’d see them both more with every other weekend.

So? OPs husband dies fuck all and goes out of his way to avoid OP and the kids he bred.

@ilovemydogandmrobama2 sure but the OPs children are 1 & 3 years old, they need looking after and entertaining whether they're at home or out somewhere, it's really unfair for one parent to just leave that to the other 90% of the time.

*does

Golf does not come before child care responsibilities.

If he loves golf more than his family, perhaps he should move in with his golf clubs somewhere else.

I'd not grump about him playing one day, but twice is a piss take. I'd say he gets Saturday morning for his hobby, then Saturday afternoon is yours to do with as you choose, and Sunday is family day.

Your husband has zero respect for you.

I know men are generally less involved with DD

This statement here is part of your problem.

Its not true.

There is absolutely no valid reason for this, and the only part of it you can directly change is your role. Can you move the babysitter to Saturday? So you can just rest and that will help you with next steps? He certainly doesn’t deserve to benefit from a Sunday babysitter!!
my dh does roughly half. Jumps up early to put a meal in the slow cooker; picks up from childcare and brings home. On Saturdays he is taking dc to football and swimming. I’d have divorced him years ago with zero second thoughts if he thought he didn’t have to parent the children we decided to have.

Op you are pissed off with him but at the same time modelling to your daughters how they should be treated? You both work ft so why is your time less valuable than his. Stop allowing this to continue.

DH has a busy job and regularly works 12 hour days. We have 3 DC 7,5 and 3 and he spends time with them every day and does most of the weekend child care.
Aims to be home by 5.30-6pm - is with them until they are in bed and then does another 1-2 hrs work.
Weekends are for the family. Occasionally plays cricket in the summer on Saturday afternoon.
School holidays (he's a Headteacher) are for the family and he loves being with the children. Does all the non-fun stuff too, not a Disney dad at all.
I am the parent who opts out when he's around.

My DH suggested he might join a golf club when DDs were young. I suggested I might divorce him.

And I don't think the taking equal time back for you is the answer. Him dropping golf until the kids are old enough to find the thought of spending time with him hideously boring is the answer. Presumably you and DH wanted a family yet you are spending only a few hours a week together.

Your husband is indeed taking the piss. And you are letting him.

Time-consuming hobbies need to be parked for a couple of years when the children are young. My husband does not play golf, he cycles. We both worked full-time, and he had cycled pre-DS. When DS was about six months old, he appeared in his cycling gear to inform me that he'd be back in about three hours. I exploded with "You're fucking kidding me!" He did not go cycling that day.

It honestly hadn't occurred to him that I would not be happy for him to disappear for hours. It honestly hadn't occurred to me that I would have to spell that out. His cycling took a back seat for a few years, he settled for cycling to work with occasional (and negotiated in advance) longer rides.

To be fair to DH, he is and always has been a hands-on dad, pulling his weight with DS and housework. But even he just didn't get that going off to spend hours on his hobby leaving me manning the fort alone was something that we had to come to an agreement about upfront.

So please, have The Conversation. Or "You're fucking kidding me!". You have to spell it out to him that his golf is unacceptable, and that he needs to step up and be a father, a husband - a bloody adult! He treating you as his mother / housekeeper /skivvy, and it needs to end.

Do you absolutely HAVE to work full time for financial reasons?

He has no interest in being a parent.

I'd starting making plans to divorce. If you both have 50/50 then at least his children might actually see him for more than 3 hours on a Sunday afternoon.

How can you have any respect for this manchild?

Remember that it isn’t childcare, it’s parenting. He is choosing to be an absent parent. I see it that you have a few options-

1. Have it out with him, point out how he is lacking as a parent. See/hope it changes
2. Show him how much he would be paying in child maintenance if you split. Might provoke a reaction to change.
3. Leave it as it is and accept he will never be a present and engaging parent

The OP working full time isn't the issue her husband being a nob is.

He is an absent parent which isn't good for the kids. Lay it out for him and don't put up with this shit anymore.

What does he actually bring to the relationship?

Maybe she WANTS to work full time for career reasons

You both work FT which makes dividing up the chores and free time simpler. Agree with your DH which time slots can be 'free time' for one of you, and then divide that in half. Colour code it on a calendar if it helps.

Also, sort out the evening chores. He does half - both cooking/cleaning and baths/bed.

Was he keen to have kids? And when discussed did he promise do do half the work?

Or were kids more your idea and he wasn't bothered?

Because if kids were mainly your thing and golf was mainly his thing then you shouldn't be spending a lot of your time maintaining the golf kit he really wanted and he shouldn't have to spend too much time looking after the kids you mainly wanted.

Did he tell you he was into golf on your first date? On your first date, did you tell him you wanted kids and you wanted the father to put substantial effort into nursing them?

@ThinkOfABetterUsername Are you having a fucking laugh, did you really just compare joint children to a set of golf clubs?