To think my husband is taking the piss?!?

[Summer1980US]

I’m interested to hear how other mums and partners manage childcare. Currently I do the bulk of childcare while my DH is off playing golf most weekends.

We both work full time. My husband has a busy job and leaves the house at 530am and is back about 630pm. This leaves me to get the DDs(1 and 3) ready for crèche and do drop off and collection every day. DDs go to bed at 7/730 so DH has limited interaction with kids during the week.

At the weekend he leaves for golf on Saturday at 7am and comes back at 2pm. After this he usually requires a nap. He spends some time with DDs between 4-7.

Sundays are usually better and he is only away for a couple of hours in the morning. He does spent a couple of hours quality time with the kids on a Sunday.

I’m so exhausted and overwhelmed from being the main caregiver. I know men are generally less involved with DD, but at this stage I feel like he is really taking the piss!!

This use to be me… now we are getting divorced! ( obvs other factors involved)
Honestly this is not fair at all. Once I filed for divorce I gave up the 24/7 childcare and asked him why he thought that this was ok! Yes he earns lots of money ( which is why I accepted this crap) but so bloody what. My job is more demanding so why should it all come down on me?

I don’t really agree with basing a judgment on this situation on ‘he works really long hours’ either. We don’t really know how demanding his job is. I’d need to know a whole lot more. It could be the hardest job in the world and he could be leaving as late and returning as early as he possibly can, or it could be a bit of a doss and he could be leaving earlier in the morning and returning later than he needs to. I’m always sceptical about how hard people work based on hours alone, and even more so in this situation, where his behaviour at the weekend makes me suspicious that he is shirking the home work.

Some people know very well which side their bread is buttered, and that their ooth work is easier/better than their at-home work.

I'm in a very male dominated industry. You wouldn't believe how many men just 'have' to work late again, so sorry, what can you do..while they are actually just killing time so they will only get home after dinner and bedtime are done.

@Summer1980US , i was in similar position (even same age DDs) except the weekend 'hobby' was drinking. Few times I had to walk out of the house leaving him with kids to make a point. His unwillingness to discuss, plus many other factors, have led us to divorce and I wish I had done it sooner.

Him treating you like this is absolutely a sign that he doesn't respect you. Read up about codependency- if it sounds like you, it will be difficult but with the right support you can stick to your boundaries.

Best of luck

It's called co-parenting not convenient parenting. Saturdays we usually did something together or went shopping for something specific. Sundays, we BOTH cleaned the house together. Lunch sometimes included family or friends and we would play with the kids. During the week I did 30 hours so did the food shopping with the kids and cooking. I worked locally but hubby had an hour's drive each way. If he was late home and hadn't seen the kids then he put them to bed and I cleared up otherwise vice versa. He went out one evening a week after the kids went to bed. Your daughters are as much his responsibility as yours. We worked out a plan for when they were ill and the school holidays and we BOTH shared in ensuring that our kids were properly cared for. Never let your hubby get away with what he is currently doing because it's controlling. He has made sure that he has a life and you don't. That is domestic violence. Does he control the money and how it's spent? Does he tell you who you can and can't see? Domestic violence is no longer just about physical abuse, it is now accepted that emotional and mental abuse alone fall into that category. Think very long and hard about your daughters and if they should be brought up by such a person. Discuss this with a solicitor because you are worth more than this.

Who gives a shit how hard he works. Op has a job and works hard too. She also does everything else. Her husband isn't entitled to golf and naps while she runs herself into the ground because he has a penis.

The misogyny on this thread is revolting.

Yup, hence the need for the discussion/agreement up front.

You what now, @trixie1970?

Had you failed to notice that OP also works full time? And on top of that, does all the childcare, housework & domestic drudge? She's working far longer hours than her H.

As to "golf is tiring" there's an easy solution if the poor dear finds his free time so exhausting.

Speak to your husband and tell him how you're feeling.
Wowsers. Startlingly radical advice. I bet OP has never thought about speaking to her H about his selfishness until now ...

I know men are generally less involved with DD

This is far from true, sorry. My DH spends quite a lot of time with our DD, letting her do his hair (🙈) playing with toys, park trips. They're inseparable. I think your DH is very much taking the piss in this situation! Also quite unfair on his young DC if he is spending very little time with them!

Frankly you need to sit down and say to him that X Y & Z is changing and he can get on board or leave.

He isn't even actually parenting his children. How fucking embarrassing. I'd have zero attraction to him at all.

I hope you aren't cooking for him, laundering his clothes etc.

Plenty of advice so far but fgs s a quick win move the Sunday babysitter to Saturday while you are alone with kids. Then you'll get a couple if hours break at least. He doesn't need any more break time!

Although I'd be making bigger changes in the long run if he doesn't agree to you fitting half of Saturdays to yourself or for family activities. And sundays for doing stuff as a whole family.

She works full time too!! And can’t work long hours because SOMEONE needs to parent the children. And if golf is tiring poor precious man needs to quit. Honestly this is like me complaining my life is so hard because I really love marathon training and prioritise it above my family and it tires me out so I can’t fit in any family time. But it’s ok, I’ve written my kids names and birthdays in my Evernote so I’m on top of the basics. Just kidding re the birthdays, my wife will remind me of those and it’s not like I buy any of the presents.

That’s a bit cheeky of him, no doubt he’s having a lovely time but I think you need time for you, and also all of you as a family more than one afternoon a week. Maybe golf once a fortnight / once a month? Good luck.

OP I had a similar situation, except I was a SAHM, for a couple of years, with 3.
Thankfully I am now rid of their selfish father, he is someone else’s problem.
Although he will always be their Dad and we can’t change that, at least my daughters don’t get to witness what was a horrible example of male privilege and entitlement. I would have hated for them to think that was normal and acceptable.
I think an ultimatum is in order. Mine fell on deaf ears.

Not normal. I would absolutely not be putting up with this. He has made a vow to walk by your side as your husband, and that I’m afraid means rolling his sleeves up and doing his fair share of parenting and household chores. Explain you are not a 1950s housewife. You are an exhausted working mother. And as for the naps - he isn’t a toddler. Sorry you are going through this :-(

1000% he's taking the piss and will continue to do so whilst you let him.
My ex was the same, weekends were his relaxing time, we both worked full time, he often worked away and we wouldn't see him for weeks.
I'm now very happily divorced with a 50/50 custody arrangement. He has the kids for a whole 7 days at his house (his poor girlfriend carries the load) then on a Friday they swap to mine for the next 7 days. Kids love seeing both parents equally and I love my free time.
Parenting needs to be a joint effort.
Marriage is a trap for women, men get a replacement mother, cook, cleaner, laundrette, sex worker, emotional and financial support, childcare. Women just get all those extra jobs.

What do you mean men are generally involved less with dd?? Someone better not let my husband know that. He's been hands on from day one. It's not "spending quality time" with your kids, it's called parenting ans sharing parenting responsibilities. If he comes home late during the week and I've done school drop off, pick up, tidy and dinner, the least he can do is take them bathing and bed.

If he wants golf all day ona
Saturday, why not make arrangements for a cleaner and a nanny so you can have some "me time" too!

And instead of a nap on his return, how about a double espresso and get on with stuff like everyone else. Bloody he'll, I don't know what i would do with a partner like that... 🙄

You are absolutely not being unreasonable.
Also does hubby know it’s not 1952…?

This isn’t fair. My DP has a fairly time consuming exercise hobby but he goes out at 5.30am on a weekend and is back in time for family breakfast! We get quite an equal split of free time on the weekend. I often go out for a walk by myself after breakfast, or we’ll go out as a family, or we’ll invite friends over to have the day with us so we both get some social time as a family. Having young kids is not the life stage where you get to have time consuming hobbies!

My kids are now teenagers and I volunteer in a museum saturday afternoons. I feel guilty about this.
He is taking the piss such big time.

I think you need to stop working, i mean if you are going to be a trad middle class wife, time to get all the benefits. ps middle class trad wives still get nannies and cleaners.

I hate golf. I tolerate hearing about it. My husband played midweek because he worked for himself. If he had ever pulled the stunt of playing twice over a weekend and leaving me with the children, he'd have found them dumped at the 19th hole ie the clubhouse. Despite actually having to help raise our children, he has still managed to get to a single figure handicap. The children have absolutely refused to caddy for him though. Your husband is a selfish pig.

Talk to your husband? Ask him why he thinks this is a fair and equitable split, tell him why it’s not and then come up with an arrangement that you’re happy with.

My marriage was like this. So much easier for a few years after the divorce, because he reluctantly had them every other weekend… before he went on holiday to another country and hasn’t come back. However, being wholly responsible for two children is actually ok when you don’t also have to share your life with a selfish arsehole. He does still pay for the children, though.

OP who looks after the kids when you get your hair done? Coffee with friends? Girls night out? Work drinks? Leaving do's? Do you anything that you do for yourself as well? Feel sorry for your poor DD's stuck in a creche , maybe get a nanny who can help with cleaning and cooking as well. Let your DH pay for it. I doubt he will change, people dont change. My ex was like that he never did anything. Be kind to yourself instead of running around. Or else your DH will be your ex. You are like a single mum anyway......

Your DH is being incredibly selfish.

Needs nipping in the bud now!

If your budget allows could book yourself in for nails, massage, facial, yoga, swimming, brunch with friends, anything-that-does-not-involve-looking-after-the-DDs on a Saturday afternoon?

Screw him [not literally] if he needs a nap. The DDs come first, why should he get to nap whilst you do all of the parenting. You’re making sacrifices so should he!